Trading for younger models in your old age

[Curiousroxy86]

Men (or women) who were married or in relationships for years/decades then want to leave their partner for someone younger....

 

What normally happens during the original relationship? Is it someone who have always felt like the person they are with was just so-so. Is the relationship rocky most of the time? Always lacked passion from the beginning? Lacked attraction from the beginning? Married for money, security, or didn’t want to be lonely and decided to rely on “old faithful”? Incompatibility from the start? Toxicity from the start? Ambivalence? Was never “love”?

 

Because I find it hard to imagine a man or woman who genuinely loved their partner dearly for years/decades. Not just romantic attraction at the beginning and not just that comfortable secure loyal friendship/companionship/partnership either. But having both the romantic aspect and friendship aspect of love during that time consistently and then all the sudden not wanting to be with that partner anymore and throw all of that away because they got too old or look too old...

 

I can’t help feel like the partnership was trash from the beginning or atleast for a big part of it and the person who got thrown away overlooked it. I could be wrong.

 

For those who might have experienced this was their warning signs during the relationship that’s your partner would throw it away for youth in the end? We’re they narcissistic? Toxic in anyway? Did you overlook the way they were or what they wanted or how they treated you? Did you overlook the reoccurring conflicts? Or were you really blind sided at the bitter end? Did they change? Did you change? Or maybe if you were the one who traded for younger? Did you always feel like something was missing at the beginning? Or did you really up an decide after years that the old partner just didn’t do it for you anymore?

 

Is it a type of person that does it or does it have more so to do with what happened within the relationship?

 

I don’t expect to find THE answer. I want to know what YOU all THINK/BELIEVE what the answer is

 

So please be so kind to spare me the “nobody really knows/it doesn’t matter what we think/why are you asking us/I don’t know/you won’t find the answer here/it could be a million reasons but will not give one reason” type responses lol.

 

Curious minds wants to know....

[amaysngrace]

My cousin trash talked his wife because she’s old. At a recent family function he was checking out his nieces’ and nephews’ friends and complained that sex with his wife is now nasty.

 

He was drunk but still. I don’t know why he was telling me this, I’m his little cousin and good thing it was me he was telling, too. Somebody less loyal would’ve certainly reminded him that he’s an old wrinkly mess himself.

[Mysterio]

I think a hot older woman that takes care of her body and face is hotter than younger ones. For me its 27 + for the most part.

[OpenBook]

I think it's just familiarity. People get sick of each other. The union is plumb wo' out.

[alphamale]

I think a hot older woman that takes care of her body and face is hotter than younger ones. For me its 27 + for the most part.

 

"older" is relative, are you talking about women in their 40s, 50s, 60s??

[Veronica73]

Yeah, people get sick of each other.

 

Also lots of people are shallow AF. And some of them view their significant others as status symbols.

[Curiousroxy86]

He was drunk but still. I don’t know why he was telling me this, I’m his little cousin and good thing it was me he was telling, too. Somebody less loyal would’ve certainly reminded him that he’s an old wrinkly mess himself.

 

What is your assessment of your cousin if you don’t mind me asking? Was he always this disrespectful towards her or women in general?

[Curiousroxy86]

Yeah, people get sick of each other.

 

Also lots of people are shallow AF. And some of them view their significant others as status symbols.

 

Ok...

 

So in your mind do you think that people who get together tend to get together for the wrong reasons and just don’t have the mind set of “sticking it out” and when one gets too old that’s what caused a person to trade for younger?

[Curiousroxy86]

I think it's just familiarity. People get sick of each other. The union is plumb wo' out.

 

For most cases you think that’s what it is?

 

If so..

 

Do you think most people have a very unreal expectation of what long term relatinship/marriage/commitment entails?

 

I imagine there are people who have a problem with “familiarity” and there are people who don’t. Do you think people who have a problem with it maybe should avoid long term commitment/monogamy? Because in my mind I would think familiarity would simply come with a long term monogamous relatinship?

 

Or do you think that people may say they want that until they actually get it and find out they don’t want it anymore?

[Shining One]

Change is certainly a factor. People change over time, and not just physically. The man or woman you married at 20 isn't the same person at 40. Furthermore, what you want can change too. You may want person with attribute X when you're 20, but then you want person with attribute Y when you're 40.

[somanymistakes]

People get sick of each other, people grow apart, bodies and libido change over time. Men who develop ED may have big personality changes as they deal with that. Women going through the menopause may also change a lot.

 

And many times, people's self-images don't keep up with their actual ages. They remember being young and attractive, they feel like they should still be that. So if their relationship breaks down, they reach for the pretty shiny thing that reminds them of when they think they were happier.

[Curiousroxy86]

Change is certainly a factor. People change over time, and not just physically. The man or woman you married at 20 isn't the same person at 40. Furthermore, what you want can change too. You may want person with attribute X when you're 20, but then you want person with attribute Y when you're 40.

 

I get that

 

So most of the time do you believe that is what happens when a person choose to leave their partner for someone younger? The person desires just changed? Or they didn’t like the change in their partner (being older) to the point of no acceptance? Or were they always “shallow” and it was only a matter of time before they would leave anyway when the benefits fade?

 

I guess what I am wondering is....most people who come to the decision...is it a kind of person who does this/more than likely would do something like this or is this something that just happens? Again I’m wondering what is the root behind it most of the time

[amaysngrace]

Was he always this disrespectful towards her or women in general?

 

He’s not always disrespectful towards women but sometimes when he drinks he gets full of himself.

[Mrin]

OP: Well, I can't speak for others but I can certainly share my experience if that helps you noodle this out.

 

I'm 47. I was married for 12 years to a woman 6 years my senior. Prior to meeting her I always dated right at my age +-1 year. My XW and I divorced because we had a passionless/non-romantic relationship. I married my best friend and when our interests diverged over time, we had little to hold us together. She still is one of my good friends. It was a very friendly parting.

 

In the past 7 years I've dated a number of women. I'm currently in a LTR with a wonderful woman who is 6 years younger. If you took all of the other women I dated I guess my range was +1 to -14 with the median being somewhere around -7 or so. So I guess you could say I traded for a younger model...

 

Why do I date younger women? In some ways it is intentional in that I usually set my age filter for online dating at +5 to - 10 or so. Why do I do that? If I am being really honest, it is:

 

1. I naturally seem to click better with women who are my age or younger. I find that the masculine/feminine dynamic just works better.

 

2. I have a high libido and well, younger women in my age group seem to as well.

 

3. Brutal Honesty Here: women my age and especially younger seem less cynical. They still have some "girl" to them. They still have hopes and dreams and embrace romance. I've been on some first dates with older women and they just seemed... cold and jaded.

 

4. Appearance really isn't a factor. I live in Colorado and there are tons of gorgeous older women out here.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

[Mr. Lucky]

For me its 27 + for the most part.

 

Mysterio, made me laugh, assuming that's your idea of hot "older" women.

 

So in your mind do you think that people who get together tend to get together for the wrong reasons and just don’t have the mind set of “sticking it out” and when one gets too old that’s what caused a person to trade for younger?

 

I think you're linking two things not necessarily related. Couples break up for many different reasons, but I'd guess "partner is too old" is down the list.

 

However, once single. many ignore common sense and considered judgement as they move forward, thinking short term and not big picture. So in the common older guy/younger woman scenario, he overvalues her youth, and she his assets. This contributes to the dismal success rates of second marriages, two-thirds of which end in divorce. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chillii]

Soooooo many things in a marriage , what else went wrong could be anything.

But from the someone younger angle, she lets herself go , stops being fun, may treat him like shyt ,turned into a stick in the mud,he lost interest physically , and on and on it goes.

Someone younger might not only have the body but still be lively and fun and carefree or still free spirited , talk more than just about the kids and bills and work and bla bla .

All this crap you hear from women he just wants someone he can control is just more excuses.

l mean does the cougar just want someone she can control , ummm, l think not. l'd say that's the furtherest thing from her mind, cards are the same in reverse.

 

As far as what else goes wrong in the marriage, so many things that can go wrong, even for the couple that tried hard and had the love.life is big and complicated with marriage and families and jobs and bills and on and on.

Edited August 15, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

I think you're linking two things not necessarily related. Couples break up for many different reasons, but I'd guess "partner is too old" is down the list.

 

I agree with this so much. I don't believe there's much "trading in for a younger model" going on. Rather, I believe that relationships break up for whatever reason and one can end up with a younger model later on down the track.

 

Edited to add: most of my friends are post menopausal women, and I've seen more than one of them switch sides and start dating women. Or who simply can't be bothered with taking care of a man anymore (re cynicism mentioned by chillii) So, there may be a smaller pool of women in a man's age to begin with.

[Woggle]

It's not about age. Most men just want a happy and peaceful relationship with a woman. Yes we want an equal one but not an antagonistic one and too many don't know the difference. I encourage every man to find that whether it is with a younger, older or same age woman. Wanting a woman that actually treats you well does not mean that you want a stepford wife you can control.

[Mysterio]

"older" is relative, are you talking about women in their 40s, 50s, 60s??

 

There are some women in their 40/50/60 that still got it. I can't get excited about a woman under 24.

[elaine567]

Truth is men complain about how women treat them and women complain about how men treat them. Both will stay as long as it suits them to do so.

Cost benefit analysis.

 

In order to persist long term in a marriage/relationship there has to be some sticky glue, a bond.

Once that glue dries up and the bond weakens, then you are left with two people who may not even like each other. The cost benefit analysis swings towards divorce and looking for a new partner.

 

It seems to me some older people newly dating again are in a time warp. They last dated 20+ years ago, so their attraction gauge is set to younger people.

They, men and women, were not really attracted to 50 somethings then and they are still not...

Women can often bypass the primal attraction thing by focusing on money and material wealth.

Men tend not to be able to do that quite so well, but may do in a trade off for care and attention, especially if they are failing...

[elaine567]

I guess what I am wondering is....most people who come to the decision...is it a kind of person who does this/more than likely would do something like this or is this something that just happens? Again I’m wondering what is the root behind it most of the time

 

I guess most of the time it just happens, but I believe there are people who have absolutely no staying power.

They flit from one shiny new brightly coloured thing to another.

The time scales maybe different, some will keep changing partners after a few weeks/months whereas others will do so after marriage and kids and after years, but they will still do so, as it is in their make up.

They keep searching and moving on.

Nothing is ever "perfect" to them, they have little or no capacity to be content with their lot.

[Curiousroxy86]

And many times, people's self-images don't keep up with their actual ages. They remember being young and attractive, they feel like they should still be that. So if their relationship breaks down, they reach for the pretty shiny thing that reminds them of when they think they were happier.

 

Hm ok...so losing touch of reality and needing to feel desired

 

On one hand understandable. Wanting to be desirable. Even having a positive self image.

 

On another I can see a narcissistic tendency. Building a construct. Not accepting reality or thinking reality is too ugly or problematic and prefer to upkeep and hold on to the fantasy. Especially at the expense of another.

 

Hm I still feel like there is something toxic about the person who does this in most cases. Whether it’s that person lying to themselves and/or their partner for that large length of time until they couldn’t lie anymore. I’m sure there are examples that’s considered to be the exception....

[Curiousroxy86]

My XW and I divorced because we had a passionless/non-romantic relationship. I married my best friend and when our interests diverged over time, we had little to hold us together. She still is one of my good friends. It was a very friendly parting.

 

thank you kindly for sharing

 

and I did wonder if that is what happens alot of the time for those who felt positive towards there exes in this topic. is that people get into marriages with people who really should have just been their friends. they saw their partner as someone they thought would be a good and smart choice and they had the friendship but lacked attraction/romance most of the time.

 

but again I dont see a man or woman who have genuine love towards their partner (both romantic and friendship) and then all the sudden throw them away because they got too old..

 

you also mentioned a compatibility thing. which is understandable. but one thing I notice as a woman who dates and have only been in relationships with men (so this isnt me saying this is all men or that women dont do this because I am aware that my experience isnt everybodys reality and may not even be most and I am aware that this can be a people thing and not a gender thing) but I notice that alot of men stay in relationships for reasons other than wanting to be with the person they are with. again im sure that is a people thing and not a gender thing btw but speaking as a woman who dates men based on my limited observation...men will stay in a relationship that doesnt make them truly happy or stay with someone they really dont want to necessarily be with. they may stay for kids, outside pressure, dont want to be alone/single at the moment, want some regular connection/sex....but dont particularly want the person they are with or dont want them anymore and is just biding time or just confused and dont know what they really wanted. and im like eff ALL of that lmao. so though I can understand a person being with someone for a long time then all the sudden decide "you know what I love you but im not in love with you or I dont have romantic feelings for you or I never considered you as a lover though you were my best friend or I never thought we were compatible" sounds pretty darn sucky lol. and I get that it happens. but I cant help but feel like there has to be some great level of lack of introspection or some long term denial on both sides or atleast one side. I know people on here get so bent out of shape towards people who ghost at the beginning or who break up quickly. but I personally feel like its way better to get ghosted or broken up with at the beginning or quickly then give my life over to someone for years and they decide at the end of all that time im not the one when im old and leaves. I dont know maybe thats just me.

[Foxhall]

when its all said and done, men are wired to appreciate youth and beauty,

 

even if there is no sexual chemistry as such, older men love speaking too and being in the company of younger women,

it flatters their egos, they even come to think of them as surrogate daughters perhaps,

 

older guys are generally quite handy socially and they have no problem chatting up these younger ladies!

 

most of the times its harmless, these guys will think of their wifes and families and hold back,

 

but all men are open to temptation and it can go a bit further on occasion.

[Curiousroxy86]

I think you're linking two things not necessarily related. Couples break up for many different reasons, but I'd guess "partner is too old" is down the list.

 

so you believe that most of the time in a case of someone leaving a partner in their old age and decide to be with someone younger afterwards its other reasons? thats interesting. I can see examples mrin gave such as a partner not wanting to be romantic or sexual anymore, being too critical, too negative, not fun, not being a friend or supportive...and I can see how that can happen overtime.

 

the reason I felt like there was a relation is the idea of people getting together without really having a full understanding of what commitment, monogamy, and long term really means. people get together out of cure of loneliness, attraction, sometimes just romantic reasons at the beginning and no friendship or compatibility, sometimes it was more a logical reason but no romance...like they get into relationships for reasons that wasnt sustainable to long term and they wasnt really thinking long term. they were trying to get their slice of "happy" and not really consider the responsibility that comes with longterm relationships. as long as the benefits remain they would remain but when the benefits ran out so did they...