Trading for younger models in your old age

[basil67]

.*people* will stay in a relationship that doesnt make them truly happy or stay with someone they really dont want to necessarily be with. they may stay for kids, outside pressure, dont want to be alone/single at the moment, want some regular connection/sex....but dont particularly want the person they are with or dont want them anymore and is just biding time or just confused and dont know what they really wanted.

 

I mentioned this in a post just a little while ago...up until the last 40 years or so, you've just described what marriage was. Sure, there was probably a great deal of initial attraction, but they married quickly and the cards fell where they landed. Everybody staying together out of love is a relatively new concept.

 

Unlike we younger people, most couples my parents age 75+ have never divorced, but I highly doubt that all of them are still in love.

Edited August 15, 2019 by basil67

[Curiousroxy86]

But from the someone younger angle, she lets herself go , stops being fun, may treat him like shyt ,turned into a stick in the mud,he lost interest physically , and on and on it goes.

Someone younger might not only have the body but still be lively and fun and carefree or still free spirited , talk more than just about the kids and bills and work and bla bla .

 

so from your perspective the person becomes unhappy when they wasn't before and its not just old age but factors that was controllable? thats fair....assuming that is what is really happening most of the time.

[Curiousroxy86]

I agree with this so much. I don't believe there's much "trading in for a younger model" going on. Rather, I believe that relationships break up for whatever reason and one can end up with a younger model later on down the track.

 

so in your perspective in most cases the getting a younger partner wasnt necessarily deliberate? it just happened? I can see that. now whether that is what happens most of the time. I cant really say but I do lean more so towards that a person pursues young on purpose after the older original and not a "just so happen". but I will admit I have no idea.

[Curiousroxy86]

It's not about age. Most men just want a happy and peaceful relationship with a woman. Yes we want an equal one but not an antagonistic one and too many don't know the difference. I encourage every man to find that whether it is with a younger, older or same age woman. Wanting a woman that actually treats you well does not mean that you want a stepford wife you can control.

 

im inclined to agree that most men want to be happy and want some peace. dont blame them at all and totally understand and think thats what people should want and go after.

 

but I disagree that the ones we are specifically talking about that age is not at all a factor in their decision. I dont think it is the sole decision but I think their is an association. example im 50 and my same age partner doesnt want to do anything together and doesnt want to touch me. so im leaving. next person I date/marry is going to be a 20-30 something because they would want to do things and have a sexual relationship.

 

problem was not wanting to do things together and lack of sex

 

but a person associated the age to those things whether right or wrong

[MetallicHue]

I think you’re trying to put an exact science around breakups but everyone’s is different. It’s hard to generalize this sort of thing.

[Curiousroxy86]

I guess most of the time it just happens, but I believe there are people who have absolutely no staying power.

They flit from one shiny new brightly coloured thing to another.

The time scales maybe different, some will keep changing partners after a few weeks/months whereas others will do so after marriage and kids and after years, but they will still do so, as it is in their make up.

They keep searching and moving on.

Nothing is ever "perfect" to them, they have little or no capacity to be content with their lot.

 

yeah me personally I believe there are types of people. people who commit to the commitment and are more so relationship oriented and people who are more so benefit oriented and will stay as long as the benefits are there. and I imagine there are people in the middle who can be a bit of both and not go too far to just one side as well.

 

I am having a hard time believing that this just happens though most of the time. but maybe I just dont want to believe lmao.

 

like I can understand a partner being negligent and letting themselves go overtime and a person deciding to leave when they had every intention of staying till death. their partner became a deal breaker when they wasnt before. I get that. and I can see that being it just happened

 

and even though I find this idea pretty effed up and disgusting I also can understand they intended to stick till death but was just never happy to begin with and stayed for the wrong reasons until they decide they couldnt anymore. but to me thats not just a "it happened". there was some major denial going on and being too cowardly to leave and be alone.

 

and the people who literally left a person because they got too old. to me there is some toxic narcissism like ish going on and I cant help but feel like the person who got thrown away was in denial or saw signs themselves that their partner was not that kind of a long term good partner to begin with.

[Curiousroxy86]

even if there is no sexual chemistry as such, older men love speaking too and being in the company of younger women,

it flatters their egos, they even come to think of them as surrogate daughters perhaps,

 

:sick::sick:

[Curiousroxy86]

I mentioned this in a post just a little while ago...up until the last 40 years or so, you've just described what marriage was. Sure, there was probably a great deal of initial attraction, but they married quickly and the cards fell where they landed. Everybody staying together out of love is a relatively new concept.

 

Unlike we younger people, most couples my parents age 75+ have never divorced, but I highly doubt that all of them are still in love.

 

call me an entitled millennial but that sounds like a pretty effed up and unappealing way to live

[Curiousroxy86]

I think you’re trying to put an exact science around breakups but everyone’s is different. It’s hard to generalize this sort of thing.

 

im trying to have a discussion and pick everyones brain thats all

[stillafool]

I think the plain old truth is after a while some men just want younger flesh. Youth is attractive and if they can get it they will go for it. Some women are the same way but mostly men.

[basil67]

call me an entitled millennial but that sounds like a pretty effed up and unappealing way to live

 

Yep, and with this modern outlook, you, along with so many others, are likely to have more than one marriage - unlike people who were married a few more decades ago. To them, marriage was for life but now it’s only while everyone gets all their needs met.

[elaine567]

I am having a hard time believing that this just happens though most of the time. but maybe I just dont want to believe lmao.

 

I think it may be easier to blame a "type" as then one can avoid that "type" and not get hurt.

Whereas if it "just happens" even to those where the stars apparently aligned, then how can anyone possibly avoid that?

[Curiousroxy86]

Yep, and with this modern outlook, you, along with so many others, are likely to have more than one marriage

 

or opt to not get married at all

[OpenBook]

Do you think most people have a very unreal expectation of what long term relatinship/marriage/commitment entails?

 

Yes. They don't teach it in school. The only training we get is our childhood experiences, and what we observe in our parents and other significant adults in our young lives.

 

I imagine there are people who have a problem with “familiarity” and there are people who don’t. Do you think people who have a problem with it maybe should avoid long term commitment/monogamy?

 

[OpenBook raises her hand.]

 

Or do you think that people may say they want that until they actually get it and find out they don’t want it anymore?

 

I think when they say that they're thinking about a harmonious union with someone. Like what the other person can give to THEM. Not a thought about what THEY can bring to the table. It takes two to tango.

[elaine567]

I think the plain old truth is after a while some men just want younger flesh. Youth is attractive and if they can get it they will go for it. Some women are the same way but mostly men.

 

I think women are mostly the same as regards pure "flesh", but woman are I feel often a touch more pragmatic in their choice of partners.

[Curiousroxy86]

I think it may be easier to blame a "type" as then one can avoid that "type" and not get hurt.

Whereas if it "just happens" even to those where the stars apparently aligned, then how can anyone possibly avoid that?

 

when it comes to relationships in general I dont really have the "it just happen" mindset. like when I think of relationships that dont work out whether in my past or hearing about another persons relationship not working out a lot of what happens is denial and not seeing something you dont want to see. I tend to have an accountability mindset. even though I know that there are many things when dealing with another fallible human being that is outside of ones control I still feel like most of the time people are not just blindsided. so the idea of "it just happens" just doesnt seem common imo.

[pepperbird]

I'm not sure that it's possible to find a one size fits all reason why an older person may end their marriage. There's lots of reasons, but one thing I did notice is that the more wealth a person has, the more often they seem to get married and divorce.

That's my brother. He's pulling in seven figures and is engaged to his soon to be third wife. His relationship history is littered with affairs and arguments, and he's constantly looking to fill in the very large hole that's at the centre of his psyche. His relationships never last because they are all about his needs and he's always looking for the new and shiny, whether that's with possessions, people or something else.

 

Just my opinion, but marriage used to be about what both sides brought to the table. It was seen as a partnership for life and not just for sunny days. You were expected to work your rear off to keep it going, partly because it was seen as being part of something more important than the wants of the two people who were in it. I'm not saying I would go back to that extreme, but maybe there was a benefit to it that has been lost. The sense of "we" and not just "me".

[Curiousroxy86]

Yes. They don't teach it in school. The only training we get is our childhood experiences, and what we observe in our parents and other significant adults in our young lives.

 

 

I think when they say that they're thinking about a harmonious union with someone. Like what the other person can give to THEM. Not a thought about what THEY can bring to the table. It takes two to tango.

 

I agree open

[OatsAndHall]

I agree with @MrLucky's assessment; out of all of the reasons to end a marriage, an SO being an outdated model isn't near the top of the list. Although infidelity is a common cause of divorce, there's generally a catalyst(s) for it. There's a laundry list of issues within the marriage, things fall apart and someone ends up seeing a younger man/woman. If a marriage does end because simply because someone is attracted to a younger individual, that's just sad and shallow.

[Timshel]

Agree with other posters pointing out that divorcing for younger is not a typical motivator. I tried to find current stats of who files for divorce and found nothing beyond 2016, so will base my opinion on anecdotal experience.

 

First, the marriages I know of that ended with divorce were initiated by women; meaning it was the wife who filed, not the men.

The women I know of who filed were not seeing younger men and did not subsequently marry younger men.

The divorced men I know of are dating younger or same age women, but again, did not initiate the divorce. So, they were not jettisoning an older woman for a younger woman, rather left to their own, attempting to date younger if possible.

 

There are a multitude of examples of wealthy older men 'trading' for younger. However, of these men, their level of wealth is not typical in comparison with general population. Higher profile in media, perhaps, but not the norm.

 

I just do not see lot's of people running to a lawyer to get out of a long standing marriage based on age. I would say of the situations this is true, it's likely both parties are satisfied in that this was not a surprising event.

 

Affairs are a completely different analysis, however, when resulting in divorce, the women most often initiate divorce. Men have affairs with younger women but do not typically divorce for their affair partner.

[Curiousroxy86]

Affairs are a completely different analysis, however, when resulting in divorce, the women most often initiate divorce. Men have affairs with younger women but do not typically divorce for their affair partner.

 

but even if he didn't technically leave the wife by initiating divorce I would think if he kept cheating on her with someone younger its basically the same concept. with his actions he might as well have left her

[Mr. Lucky]

Yep, and with this modern outlook, you, along with so many others, are likely to have more than one marriage - unlike people who were married a few more decades ago. To them, marriage was for life but now it’s only while everyone gets all their needs met.

 

And I think the jury’s still out on which approach leads to more long-term happiness, however one would quantify that.

 

I know older couples, while not passionate, who at least seem content. The same isn’t as true of friends my age who’ve been in serial relationships or marriages...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Timshel]

but even if he didn't technically leave the wife by initiating divorce I would think if he kept cheating on her with someone younger its basically the same concept. with his actions he might as well have left her

 

 

A well esteemed woman would not disagree. However, he on average did not and having an affair with a younger woman does not equal desire for life partnership.

[Curiousroxy86]

A well esteemed woman would not disagree.

please explain

[Curiousroxy86]

having an affair with a younger woman does not equal desire for life partnership.

 

maybe not an affair

 

but if we are talking about a man who keeps cheating on his wife with either the same young woman or multiple young women or just multiple in general....

 

I dont see how that can be seen as a desirable life partnership and i dont see how that would reflect on the womans esteem that she doesnt see it that way either