Trading for younger models in your old age

[Timshel]

If a man is a serial cheater, the age of the women he is cheating with is a mute point. He is a liar. For all we know, age is not a factor at all.

 

If age is focal around his affairs, yet he stays with his wife of similar age, what does that mean to you Curious?

 

 

Well esteemed...a woman who is aware that her husband is having an affair(s) and divorces him. This is regardless of whether or not the affair partner is younger.

In your OP, the discussion was around leaving a spouse for younger. As I wrote, affairs are a different dynamic.

[Curiousroxy86]

If a man is a serial cheater, the age of the women he is cheating with is a mute point. He is a liar. For all we know, age is not a factor at all.

 

If age is focal around his affairs, yet he stays with his wife of similar age, what does that mean to you Curious?

 

 

Well esteemed...a woman who is aware that her husband is having an affair(s) and divorces him. This is regardless of whether or not the affair partner is younger.

In your OP, the discussion was around leaving a spouse for younger. As I wrote, affairs are a different dynamic.

 

oh ok. I misunderstood what you meant.

 

I guess I see his act of cheating with a younger woman and leaving the wife for a younger woman as the same disgusting act.

Edited August 15, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[Timshel]

For myself, cheating is cheating. I think best insight would be from men. I suspect that cheating with a younger woman and divorcing for a younger woman are vastly different.

 

 

If more women file for divorce than men, yet marry similar or older men, women are not divorcing for younger.

If the majority of men who are cheating with but not divorcing their wives for younger women, then....

[Mrin]

thank you kindly for sharing

 

and I did wonder if that is what happens alot of the time for those who felt positive towards there exes in this topic. is that people get into marriages with people who really should have just been their friends. they saw their partner as someone they thought would be a good and smart choice and they had the friendship but lacked attraction/romance most of the time.

 

but again I dont see a man or woman who have genuine love towards their partner (both romantic and friendship) and then all the sudden throw them away because they got too old..

 

you also mentioned a compatibility thing. which is understandable. but one thing I notice as a woman who dates and have only been in relationships with men (so this isnt me saying this is all men or that women dont do this because I am aware that my experience isnt everybodys reality and may not even be most and I am aware that this can be a people thing and not a gender thing) but I notice that alot of men stay in relationships for reasons other than wanting to be with the person they are with. again im sure that is a people thing and not a gender thing btw but speaking as a woman who dates men based on my limited observation...men will stay in a relationship that doesnt make them truly happy or stay with someone they really dont want to necessarily be with. they may stay for kids, outside pressure, dont want to be alone/single at the moment, want some regular connection/sex....but dont particularly want the person they are with or dont want them anymore and is just biding time or just confused and dont know what they really wanted. and im like eff ALL of that lmao. so though I can understand a person being with someone for a long time then all the sudden decide "you know what I love you but im not in love with you or I dont have romantic feelings for you or I never considered you as a lover though you were my best friend or I never thought we were compatible" sounds pretty darn sucky lol. and I get that it happens. but I cant help but feel like there has to be some great level of lack of introspection or some long term denial on both sides or atleast one side. I know people on here get so bent out of shape towards people who ghost at the beginning or who break up quickly. but I personally feel like its way better to get ghosted or broken up with at the beginning or quickly then give my life over to someone for years and they decide at the end of all that time im not the one when im old and leaves. I dont know maybe thats just me.

 

My pleasure. I hope it helped. I'd echo your comments about people staying in relationships for reasons other than love. You see it all the time here and see it with both genders. I'll toss a few other musings/observations in regards to your reply:

 

1. I don't think people who are genuinely in love with the other person can just flip a switch and trade down for a younger model. I would suggest people who do that (usually men) aren't genuinely in love with the other person or love the other person because of an age related value.

 

If the primary thing you like about a person is their youthful appearance, then the one thing you know for certain is that at some point you're not going to like them very much. Right?

 

2. I do think that in marriages or LTR's sometimes we mistake actions with feelings. Since we're doing some good gender stereotyping here I'll stick with the traditional man-woman dynamic. The woman perceives the man as being in love with her because he 1) sticks around 2) is generally pleasant to be with/no major fights 3) supports her needs 4) contributes his income to take care of her. Those are all actions that she translates as love. But those same actions can be present if he jut feels friendship towards here, or obligation (sleep in the bed you made) or if it just works out as domestic barter - e.g. she takes care of the kids, house and cook meals. My point is that just from his actions she concludes that everything is peachy keen and then one day he rolls over and says, "you know what, I love you but am not in love with you" and it floors her. You see it the other way - she was the perfect wife, handled everything and one day, bam, she says she isn't having her needs met, wants to go find herself and asks for a divorce.

 

The root of the problem is that both sides don't really engage in meaningful conversation with the other and just draw conclusions from actions. That's sort of like trying to determine the color of a car by looking at the tire tracks in the dirt.

 

3. Okay going to go off of my favorite subject here: We, as modern humans, suck at relationships. Which is pretty funny because we, as modern humans, are incredible at finding ways to get what we want. Food - we now have it in plenty. Shelter - we cover the earth in it. Transportation - you can fly across the world cheaply and in a matter of hours.

 

But relationships? We all want good ones. But we totally suck at getting them. In fact, I would say because of the breakdown in the extended nuclear family, the abandonment of traditional gender roles and the departure from organized religion (places where we used to get "training" for marriage) we are worse off than we ever have been before. We don't get any "training". We don't know how to relationship. Hell, the best example for most relationships is a random seed thrown out on the dirt that somehow sprouts and begins to grow. We don't know how to take care of it. Water it. Fertilize it. Tend to it. Nurture it. We just say, "lookie there! how cool" And then 2 or 5 or 10 years later we are shocked that it is withering and dying. It is only at that point that some of us actually try to learn how to take care of it. But often, and this is to your point, we just walk away and toss another few seeds on the ground and see what happens. Like that's going to turn out any differently the next time.

 

Okay, that's enough World According to Mrin. Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

[Woggle]

It's more the traits that come with youth that men are attracted to than actual youth. Older women who retain those traits tend to do well with men and I am not talking only physical looks.

 

All this being said I would rather date an 80 year old than to anywhere near a millenial twitter feministm

[Gretchen12]

Trading in for a younger model is not about the wife. It's about how the man feels about himself. He thinks of himself as young, younger than other men his age. His youth means vitality and strength. These are things that are very difficult for some men to let go.

 

A woman may have difficulty letting go of her beauty. She gets a facelift, while he gets a younger woman. She thinks she is young when wrinkles don't show. He thinks he is young when he is with a younger woman.

 

Neither has anything to do with the partner in the relationship.

 

Of course when it goes too far, it starts to look ridiculous: The old woman with the miniskirt and wrinkled legs. The old man hopping around like a schoolboy wearing his cap backwards.

[basil67]

Roxy, I'm curious as to what brought this conversaton on. I'm in my 50's and so of the age where men would apparently be leaving for young women. But I'm not seeing happen. Sure, there are some divorces, but they still end up with women who are in the same age group. Are you seeing this happeing around you?

[basil67]

or opt to not get married at all

 

If a person is risk averse and happy without a partner, then this is the likely outcome anyway.

[elaine567]

I guess a lot of older men are not that interested in kids, and younger women either have or want kids, so older man despite being attracted may baulk at getting seriously involved with a younger women. Great on paper, but retirement funds being eaten by another guy's kids, not so funny...

Another thread, woman in 40s with 4yo, has just been dumped by 50+yo due to him not wanting to bring up her child...

[Curiousroxy86]

Roxy, I'm curious as to what brought this conversaton on. I'm in my 50's and so of the age where men would apparently be leaving for young women. But I'm not seeing happen. Sure, there are some divorces, but they still end up with women who are in the same age group. Are you seeing this happeing around you?

 

Lol me and this guy was actually talking about it the other day. Some coworker at his job keeps talking about leaving his older wife and getting a younger woman. Of course I had a visceral reaction. Then the conversation turned to his father (who I am convinced is textbook npd) who have repeatedly cheated on his mother and the many wives/girlfriends he had after that. Then we talked about his uncle in law who was a pastor who cheated on his old wife and when she died married the younger woman he cheated with (his aunt). Outside of me and that guys conversation I also have heard similar stories in the past of trading for a younger model from other people via actual conversation or a topic of discussion online or on television and was reminded of it when I had the conversation with the guy the other day. So I felt compelled to create a post about it lol.

[basil67]

OK, so you've got a sample of one and a douchebag who thinks it's OK to say. The 'trading in for a younger model' is a joking term I hear thrown around, but I don't see it being acted on to with any statistical relevance. I really don't think that a deliberate switch to a younger woman is really much of a thing.

[Curiousroxy86]

2. I do think that in marriages or LTR's sometimes we mistake actions with feelings. Since we're doing some good gender stereotyping here I'll stick with the traditional man-woman dynamic. The woman perceives the man as being in love with her because he 1) sticks around 2) is generally pleasant to be with/no major fights 3) supports her needs 4) contributes his income to take care of her. Those are all actions that she translates as love. But those same actions can be present if he jut feels friendship towards here, or obligation (sleep in the bed you made) or if it just works out as domestic barter - e.g. she takes care of the kids, house and cook meals. My point is that just from his actions she concludes that everything is peachy keen and then one day he rolls over and says, "you know what, I love you but am not in love with you" and it floors her. You see it the other way - she was the perfect wife, handled everything and one day, bam, she says she isn't having her needs met, wants to go find herself and asks for a divorce.

 

I don’t know mrin..

 

Actions do tell you a lot about how the person feels imo

 

People who don’t really care for you/like you/love you in a romantic way do several things....Act irritable especially if their partner tries to be affectionate or sexual, they don’t initiate affection, sex is very routine or robotic, they ignore, they spend time working or doing hobbies, they cheat, they disregard your feelings, they avoid communication....

 

I feel like in most cases the signs are there and people see them but they don’t want to believe what they see

 

I just don’t see people being truly blinded sided in most cases especially in long term relationships

 

Other than that I agree with your points concerning that people who truly trade for younger are genuinely not in love with their partners and that people suck at relationships lol

[Curiousroxy86]

OK, so you've got a sample of one and a douchebag who thinks it's OK to say. The 'trading in for a younger model' is a joking term I hear thrown around, but I don't see it being acted on to with any statistical relevance. I really don't think that a deliberate switch to a younger woman is really much of a thing.

 

I am not at all trying to say that most people are like this. The topic itself was just interesting enough for me to want to discuss it. And I had strong opinions about it every time I discussed it prior and wanted to know what LS thought of the subject.

[alphamale]

Roxy, I'm curious as to what brought this conversaton on. I'm in my 50's and so of the age where men would apparently be leaving for young women. But I'm not seeing happen. Sure, there are some divorces, but they still end up with women who are in the same age group. Are you seeing this happeing around you?

 

yea basil I agree....and most of those young women are looking for older sugar daddies

[central]

I'm very happy in my relationship, and would not want to trade my wife in for a "younger model." I'm hoping for many more wonderful years together. However, if tragedy strikes, who knows? It seems unlikely, though, that a much younger woman would be interested in me. On the other hand, we are poly and open, and I've had a long term relationship with a woman 27 years younger. It's not common, but it can happen. I would have a relationship with her - but would not get rid of my lovely wife to do so.

[snowcones]

My favorite psychotherapist says that when people in relationships cheat, it's usually because they are not trying to get away from the person that they are in a relationship with, but because they are trying to get away from the person that they themselves have become.

 

I think this is true in cases where the cheating spouse really and truly thinks their betrayed spouse is perfect, great, etc. They just don't like who they have become. It's hard to imagine but it happens sometimes and it's unfortunate for all. Who they pick to be with going forward doesn't even matter.

 

 

 

I observe unprofessionally and I have seen some cases, however, where they secretly don't think their spouse is great, but they would never admit that out loud, because they are afraid to rock their comfortable financial boat, or they are afraid to stain their image with their family and in society. And these are the scary ones who keep quiet, never complain, and their spouse is completely unaware that there is anything wrong, and then they are blindsided if an affair comes out or when they announce that they want a divorce. I think this is unfair. Many of them are secretly sleuthing around hunting for outside takers the whole while.

 

 

And then there are cases where the cheating spouse is truly being neglected and they have tried for years to talk about it and work it out with their spouse. They could be neglected sexually and/or emotionally, or there is abuse, and they have tried to talk about it for YEARS, but the other spouse REFUSES to change. Then one day out of the blue some younger hottie shows them attention, love and sex, and brings hope and light into their lives, and next thing you know.... BAM, DIVORCE.

 

 

People really shouldn't take each other for granted.

Edited August 16, 2019 by snowcones

[Curiousroxy86]

My favorite psychotherapist says that when people in relationships cheat, it's usually because they are not trying to get away from the person that they are in a relationship with, but because they are trying to get away from the person that they themselves have become.

 

I think this is true in cases where the cheating spouse really and truly thinks their betrayed spouse is perfect, great, etc. They just don't like who they have become. It's hard to imagine but it happens sometimes and it's unfortunate for all. Who they pick to be with going forward doesn't even matter.

 

 

 

I observe unprofessionally and I have seen some cases, however, where they secretly don't think their spouse is great, but they would never admit that out loud, because they are afraid to rock their comfortable financial boat, or they are afraid to stain their image with their family and in society. And these are the scary ones who keep quiet, never complain, and their spouse is completely unaware that there is anything wrong, and then they are blindsided if an affair comes out or when they announce that they want a divorce. I think this is unfair. Many of them are secretly sleuthing around hunting for outside takers the whole while.

 

 

And then there are cases where the cheating spouse is truly being neglected and they have tried for years to talk about it and work it out with their spouse. They could be neglected sexually and/or emotionally, or there is abuse, and they have tried to talk about it for YEARS, but the other spouse REFUSES to change. Then one day out of the blue some younger hottie shows them attention, love and sex, and brings hope and light into their lives, and next thing you know.... BAM, DIVORCE.

 

 

People really shouldn't take each other for granted.

 

yea when it comes to that group that will cheat no matter how great you are they are to be avoided/abandoned at all costs unless one likes to get cheated on

 

I still feel like most of the times there are signs when it comes to that group that dont like their partners but stay. they have to be excellent actors for that to be unnoticed and most people cant fake that for long periods of time on a consistent basis. denial of the betrayed spouse helps people like that to get away with it in my opinion for most cases. I dont believe its a true "blindsided". If anything they blind themselves to whats already there.

 

and the group that feels neglected I can understand them wanting to leave and dont blame them at all but I dont feel they are justified in cheating. to me they are like that second group in terms of being too cowardly to just let go of the relationship. I can understand they may cant just up and leave immediately and have to plan their out though.

 

but some people think leaving is the greater evil in comparison to cheating. I dont. Lord knows I have had many tried to gaslight me on that subject. as if the person leaving is wrong for leaving a cheater and not staying and trying to work it out

[Prudence V]

My favorite psychotherapist says that when people in relationships cheat, it's usually because they are not trying to get away from the person that they are in a relationship with, but because they are trying to get away from the person that they themselves have become.

 

My H’s counsellor said this to him, too. My H had been with his then-W for about 30 years. During that time he had changed so much, he didn’t recognise himself anymore when he looked in the mirror. But it wasn’t just him - after he left his xW, his family told him they were so glad to have him back, because he became the person they used to know and love, again - not the blunted, depressed, browbeaten person he’d become in the marriage.

 

 

And then there are cases where the cheating spouse is truly being neglected and they have tried for years to talk about it and work it out with their spouse. They could be neglected sexually and/or emotionally, or there is abuse, and they have tried to talk about it for YEARS, but the other spouse REFUSES to change. Then one day out of the blue some younger hottie shows them attention, love and sex, and brings hope and light into their lives, and next thing you know.... BAM, DIVORCE.

 

 

This was the case with my H. Tried, for decades, and then gave up trying. Was prepared to die unhappy, until happiness suddenly beckoned.

 

I notice that alot of men stay in relationships for reasons other than wanting to be with the person they are with. again im sure that is a people thing and not a gender thing btw but speaking as a woman who dates men based on my limited observation...men will stay in a relationship that doesnt make them truly happy or stay with someone they really dont want to necessarily be with. they may stay for kids, outside pressure, dont want to be alone/single at the moment, want some regular connection/sex....but dont particularly want the person they are with or dont want them anymore and is just biding time

 

Definitely in my H’s case. He’d been very young (she was older) and had been flattered by her attention at the time, then spent years trying to save her (from her “unhappy marriage”, her “unhappy FOO”, her “unhappy working relationships”, and of course her unhappy self. Trapped by kids (that he hadn’t agreed to) and old school mores - about “doing your duty” - he stayed, biding his time, waiting for the kids to be old enough to leave home so he could escape. And then he fell in love and it all happened a bit faster than he’d planned.

[pepperbird]

To answer why a married man or woman would look for someone younger you'd have to ask them. People get into relationships for all sorts of reasons. Some are too frightened to be on their own, some will happily go through life using others and then tossing them aside once they feel they no longer have value to them while others cheat simply because they can.

 

Monkey branching is also very popular. Some people go from on long term relationship into another very quickly, and that's not love. That's fear. Fear of being alone, fear of responsibility, fear of the future. If they are trading in for a younger model, it could also be fear of aging. Many people don't want to get older, and western culture places an awfully high value on youth. I've noticed this myself lately. Part of the disease I have is that it makes your skin harden and tighten. That's not great for your hands, but it can make it look like you've had a face lift. Men keep hitting on me, and I even got cared when I bought my husband a bottle of wine and the NSLC. The only change I can see is that I do look a lot younger.

Edited August 16, 2019 by pepperbird

[pepperbird]

Definitely in my H’s case. He’d been very young (she was older) and had been flattered by her attention at the time, then spent years trying to save her (from her “unhappy marriage”, her “unhappy FOO”, her “unhappy working relationships”, and of course her unhappy self. Trapped by kids (that he hadn’t agreed to) and old school mores - about “doing your duty” - he stayed, biding his time, waiting for the kids to be old enough to leave home so he could escape. And then he fell in love and it all happened a bit faster than he’d planned.

 

 

If he was able to meet and fall in love with you, then he must have had a mind and heart that were open to cheating. If he hadn't, the affair wouldn't even have started in the first place. If he made that choice, it speaks a heck of a lot more negatively about him than it does his wife.

[Mysterio]

When I think of people cheating in my head. For the ones that are married. They had kids/marriage too fast. One person sort of forced the other ones hand so to speak.

 

Lets say for the most part. Jack meets Jill. Courts her right away. They get married after a year. Have another kid after a year and then Jack is scouting for a extra woman on the side. Or Vice Versa? We are restless lot we humans.

[Prudence V]

it speaks a heck of a lot more negatively about him than it does his wife.

 

Of course. Her As (at least two, that I know of) don’t speak negatively of her at all, nor her bad behaviour. Only his... because his A led to happiness for many people.

[crispytoast]

"older" is relative, are you talking about women in their 40s, 50s, 60s??

I am. I like a sexy older woman who's taken care of herself. I find myself flirting with my sexier college professors a lot. It's going to get me into (or out of) trouble one of these days