far800 Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 Hi everyone, i would like your opinion on my situation. My in laws live near by and i generally have a good relationship with them. They have done a lot for me in the past (I am estranged from my birthfamily). When i first got married my in laws (esp father in law) used to drop by unnanounced. He is retired and a handyman, and he used to help my husband with household chores and also renovated our current house( before my husband met me). He has a key to our house. Anyways at some point i discussed the surprise visits with my husband and he discussed it with his dad and after a while the unannounced visits stopped. Either my in laws would call/text before coming or not come over at all. Now we are selling our current house and moving into a fixer upper. So now my father in law has again started to drop by unnanounced. Usually its to fix something in our house. So i talked about it to my husband and he had told my father in law but it continued to happen. My husband felt i acted cold towards his dad, and today husband and i had a fight about it. He told me to discuss it with his dad myself from now on. I feel i am not being unreasonable, also coz i have alopecia and i need some time to get ready. I dont mind them coming over at all, i would just like to know a little beforehand so i have time to get ready/presentable. On the other hand , he is helping us out so am i being mean/ungrateful? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 He’s helping you out and you’re putting your own vanity above all else, including your manners. Don’t you have a light hat you can throw on? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 They are your family now. My mother in law has seen me in my pajamas, with my hair all wild, sick and looking like something the cat drug in... But I don't care, because she is family, and well like your father in law, sometimes she just pops in, in announced - like Saturday morning when I am doing the laundry in my underwear hahahaha Be thankful that he is helpful, and don't worry about the vanity, I doubt he cares. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 Does he have a key to the new place? I can't imagine why you'd give him one given the problems with him dropping by. It wouldn't ever be okay with me. He's helping, but that doesn't mean he can just come and go in and out of your home without prior notice. You need to not give him a key and get the one that he has away from him. Tell him you need it back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author far800 Posted August 14, 2019 Author Share Posted August 14, 2019 He’s helping you out and you’re putting your own vanity above all else, including your manners. Don’t you have a light hat you can throw on? They are your family now. My mother in law has seen me in my pajamas, with my hair all wild, sick and looking like something the cat drug in... But I don't care, because she is family, and well like your father in law, sometimes she just pops in, in announced - like Saturday morning when I am doing the laundry in my underwear hahahaha Be thankful that he is helpful, and don't worry about the vanity, I doubt he cares. Yeah, i get your point i really do appreciate the help and he is family. Its just that it feels weird coz i've often had to make a run for it to the nearest room when he dropped by when im in my shorts or when i don't have a hat nearby Link to post Share on other sites
Author far800 Posted August 14, 2019 Author Share Posted August 14, 2019 Does he have a key to the new place? I can't imagine why you'd give him one given the problems with him dropping by. It wouldn't ever be okay with me. He's helping, but that doesn't mean he can just come and go in and out of your home without prior notice. You need to not give him a key and get the one that he has away from him. Tell him you need it back. My husband gave him the keys to this place and fully intends to give him the keys to our next place as well. To be fair, when i got married, my father in law gave me a key to his house too. But i always call before going over to their house. Its just basic courtesy imo. My husband thinks its a better idea to get a door chain, which i find way more passive aggressive than directly talking to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 When you sold your home, did your father-in-law get a check from you to show your appreciation for the improved price you received? If you did, good for you. If not, yes, you are ungrateful. That's a lot of time and effort he supplied just to hear you call him out. He's family now. Would you feel the same if it was your father or mother? Of course that doesn't mean you can't get revenge. Start showing up at Your in laws house whenever you want - unannounced. Don't call, just show up preferably during supper. He will get the message. Won't do much for family harmony but you will feel a lot better and isn't that what it's all about? Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I would definitely NOT be okay with that. If your husband isn’t going to deal with it, why don’t you talk to FIL yourself. Just tell him you’d really appreciate it if he calls before he stops by. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I am going to disagree with some of the others. It's also good manner to give the courtesy when visiting someone else house. I will admit that it varies by individual. While some don't care about in-laws popping in unannounced, others do. My family is private, and we think it's rude for people (yes, that includes in-laws) to pop by unannounced. Just a heads-up of "hey, I'm coming over" is all that is asked. I'm not married so it's not a situation I could relate, but case in point: I'm really close with my siblings. I have a key to my brother's place. I would never just pop in unannounced. As close as we are, I'd always call or text first and say, "hey, we're coming to your apartment for a visit, ok?" It's not wrong for the OP to want that courtesy notice, actually. I can see why it would cause problems , but it's nothing that can't be solved with a light-hearted conversation... Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I know it’s different but I live with my mother in law (well put more correctly she lives with me). This stuff really just seems like small potatoes. But regardless I understand not wanting people over unannounced. I don’t like it when my mom comes over when she feels like it. But they’re parents - is it really worth making a stink over? I wish my dad who had cancer but can go on long trips would just come over and visit over a relatively quick drive. It seems kind of picky Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I don’t know. Maybe some people are just more private than others. If I want to hang out in my undies and not brush my teeth or clean up, then I want to feel free to do that. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that knowing my FIL might barge in unannounced. My home is my refuge. The only place I have control over. Don’t know how to explain it. But I would have a really, really, really hard time with what the OP is talking about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 Does your FIL knock before coming in? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 My husband gave him the keys to this place and fully intends to give him the keys to our next place as well. To be fair, when i got married, my father in law gave me a key to his house too. But i always call before going over to their house. Its just basic courtesy imo. My husband thinks its a better idea to get a door chain, which i find way more passive aggressive than directly talking to him about it. Noooo. Get one, but it still doesn't keep him from coming and catching you just out of the shower, and that's not fair. But by all means get the door chain or one of those things that is a rod that swings over and is probably more sturdy and maybe one of those rubber door stops as well so he doesn't tear the door up. But you'll have to do it on all the doors. Your husband is being a jerk about this. Most people value their privacy more than he does. then if he tries to get in and can't get in, you can even pretend to not be home and say you were in the shower, or you can even call him and say, "Sorry, can't come to the door right now. If you'll call next time, I'll know you're coming." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author far800 Posted August 14, 2019 Author Share Posted August 14, 2019 When you sold your home, did your father-in-law get a check from you to show your appreciation for the improved price you received? If you did, good for you. If not, yes, you are ungrateful. That's a lot of time and effort he supplied just to hear you call him out. He's family now. Would you feel the same if it was your father or mother? Of course that doesn't mean you can't get revenge. Start showing up at Your in laws house whenever you want - unannounced. Don't call, just show up preferably during supper. He will get the message. Won't do much for family harmony but you will feel a lot better and isn't that what it's all about? Yes I get your point, it is a lot of time and effort that he put into our house. And yes, I would also feel the same if it was my mom or dad coz i would not want them to see me in my short shorts lol. I would definitely NOT be okay with that. If your husband isn’t going to deal with it, why don’t you talk to FIL yourself. Just tell him you’d really appreciate it if he calls before he stops by. Yes, i guess ill have to do it myself. Father in law is a bit of an emotional person so i hope it goes well. I am going to disagree with some of the others. It's also good manner to give the courtesy when visiting someone else house. I will admit that it varies by individual. While some don't care about in-laws popping in unannounced, others do. My family is private, and we think it's rude for people (yes, that includes in-laws) to pop by unannounced. Just a heads-up of "hey, I'm coming over" is all that is asked. I'm not married so it's not a situation I could relate, but case in point: I'm really close with my siblings. I have a key to my brother's place. I would never just pop in unannounced. As close as we are, I'd always call or text first and say, "hey, we're coming to your apartment for a visit, ok?" It's not wrong for the OP to want that courtesy notice, actually. I can see why it would cause problems , but it's nothing that can't be solved with a light-hearted conversation... Yes, exactly, all i want is a heads-up. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Get a door chain AND talk to FIL. Although the door chains I’ve seen seem super chintzy and would be easy to break. Not that your FIL would do that! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Just tell him all you need is a head's up text so he doesn't catch you in a state of undress that would embarrass you both. If you just be matter of fact about it without emotional baggage while remaining grateful for his help, I'm sure it will be fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author far800 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 I don’t know. Maybe some people are just more private than others. If I want to hang out in my undies and not brush my teeth or clean up, then I want to feel free to do that. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that knowing my FIL might barge in unannounced. My home is my refuge. The only place I have control over. Don’t know how to explain it. But I would have a really, really, really hard time with what the OP is talking about. Exactly, at one point my husband suggested to not wear clothes that i wouldn't want my in laws to see me in. I said no way, its my home and i'll dress the way i want to. Does your FIL knock before coming in? No he doesn't knock. He says hello loudly when he opens the door and enters the house. Noooo. Get one, but it still doesn't keep him from coming and catching you just out of the shower, and that's not fair. But by all means get the door chain or one of those things that is a rod that swings over and is probably more sturdy and maybe one of those rubber door stops as well so he doesn't tear the door up. But you'll have to do it on all the doors. Your husband is being a jerk about this. Most people value their privacy more than he does. then if he tries to get in and can't get in, you can even pretend to not be home and say you were in the shower, or you can even call him and say, "Sorry, can't come to the door right now. If you'll call next time, I'll know you're coming." Ok, i think you are right. I'll get one Link to post Share on other sites
Author far800 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 Get a door chain AND talk to FIL. Although the door chains I’ve seen seem super chintzy and would be easy to break. Not that your FIL would do that! Just tell him all you need is a head's up text so he doesn't catch you in a state of undress that would embarrass you both. If you just be matter of fact about it without emotional baggage while remaining grateful for his help, I'm sure it will be fine. Ok, i will. Thanks for the suggestions Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 At the very least, I think it's perfectly reasonable to explain that you're uncomfortable about potentially being caught undressed and that you'd like him to knock and wait for you to let him in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 My husband thinks its a better idea to get a door chain, which i find way more passive aggressive than directly talking to him about it. Get a deadbolt and tell him it's for security reasons (technically true ). Locked from the inside, the door can't be opened, key or not. I've never lived in a house that didn't have one... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Big Aus Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 My husband gave him the keys to this place and fully intends to give him the keys to our next place as well. To be fair, when i got married, my father in law gave me a key to his house too. But i always call before going over to their house. Its just basic courtesy imo. My husband thinks its a better idea to get a door chain, which i find way more passive aggressive than directly talking to him about it. I'm confused, you keep referring to your husband, which in most states implies an adult? But the man-child you're describing sounds like he's still being breastfed. So firstly you need to have a very serious discussion with this boy you have apparently married. Encourage him strongly to grow the **** up, stop his dependency on his parents, and start behaving like a husband. He needs to take back the keys, stop doing **** like giving away keys to your house without discussing it with you, and he needs to explain to his father the concept of manners, that with or without keys he can't just barge into your house. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I agree with some of the others. Just be honest with him: "FIL, sometimes I am not appropriately dressed/ready when you pop in unannounced, and it is embarrassing for me. I would really appreciate it if you could just text or call before you come over to give me time to make sure I am presentable." Unless the guy is a total monster, he should understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 But i always call before going over to their house. Its just basic courtesy imo. My husband thinks its a better idea to get a door chain, which i find way more passive aggressive than directly talking to him about it. It's a boundary issue, and I'm 100% on your side. I would never, ever in a million years drop in on anybody, always call first and make sure it's a good time. It's a total boundary violation and poor manners, in my book. I had the same fight with an ex-bf, and it's a big part of why I left him. He had poor boundaries with his family, and they'd call constantly and drop in whenever they felt like it. He was too wimpy toward them to do much about it, so I lost a huge amount of respect for him. Though his show is primarily about personal finance, Dave Ramsey talks a LOT about boundary issues in families, as there are often issues with boundaries and money. He'd say your husband should handle it, not you, as you'll always be viewed as the bad guy when trying to assert a boundary with his family. Your husband needs to man up and tell daddy not to barge in or show up unannounced. If your FIL violates that, time to change the locks. Link to post Share on other sites
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