broke up after 4.5 years

[badaboombadabing]

Hi everyone. It might be a bit longer text but if you got time read it and help me a bit. Ok so we started dating when i was 19 and she was 17. She fell madly in love with me (thought i was perfect) a mutual friend introduced us (he is her cousin). The beggining was rough. She had strict parents and had to lie and hide having a bf so we were able to see each other 2 times a month for like 2-3 hours. But we talked over facebook 24/7 and it was beautiful . We talked about everything all the time we always had something to talk about.even though I had no job/car / and it was hard to maintain a relationship we did it. It was tough as ballz but I gave all I had and we did it. Later i got a car/nice job etc. Her parents knew about me and she was able to see me whenever she wants to and even go to my house. Everything seemed perfect but things started to go to **** after like 3 years of relationship.

 

 

 

She was away to college (60km away from me) I know its not far and she was home on weekends. But I work in shifts on holidays/weekends whenever so sometimes it was hard to see each other and sometimes i would refuse to see her because i was tired etc and didnt feel like it. Problem is why i didnt feel like it because I suffered from low selfesteem. I had a nice group of friends but somehow we broke up and some guys didnt talk to each other/me and more or less I had no friends left , only her. second thing my job is stressfull not paid fairly (because **** my country) and i was under a lot of stress. Also I gained a bit of weight (a lil bit of belly but never had one before) and noticed im balding (male pattern baldness) and I was down. I was so ****ing destroyed emotionally because our relationship was in rut. we would see each other once a week. always did the same stuff and i had low self esteem because of all the things mentioned above. And I started to fear she would leave me and I started pushing her away. I would hurt her, say things i wouldnt mean refuse to hang out etc etc. I was a ****head but didnt know at the time why Im doing that. I had no idea whats wrong with me. She then became scared im gonna break up with her and started to jump around me. She was trying too hard and too long.(it lasted for about a year, she was trying and I wasnt) She kept telling me what Im doing wrong and that she is unhappy and I just couldnt handle it and pushed her away even harder. We finally met one day face to face fully knowing she will break up and I died inside a little(after 4.5 years of relationship).When we met face to face I apologised for the way i treated her but told her that I dont know why i did it because at that time I didnt know. Took me few weeks to understand why.

 

 

 

I still loved her more than anything but instead of working on my self and repairing my **** I pushed her away. She said she loves me but cant be with me anymore. She thinks I cant and probably wont change and she cant handle it anymore. We talked for 3 more days but then she sent me a long txt msg that I should move on, forget about her etc and that she doesnt wanna talk anymore. And Ok I took that like a man wished her luck in her life and all that and didnt contact anymore. 3 weeks later I was out in the club and she was also there. I saw her talking to some group of guys and she walked next to me on the way out later and when i wanted to say hi she turned her head around and left. then 1 week later her best friend approached me in the club and told me she talked to other guys to make me jelly , she missed me , didnt want to break up etc still loves me and that I should contact her. And i was a fool and did. Sent a ****ty casual message like " hi whats up I know you probably dont wanna hear from me but i had to try" and she seen my msg on facebook and thats it. Seen and ignored.

 

 

 

its gonna be 2 months in couple of days Im pretty much ok, im working on myself started working out, cycling , cut on playing computer games, all of my group of friends is back together we hang out a lot,things are a bit better at work I got raise etc and more or less things in my life are slowly going back to normal. I lost 6Kgs love the way i look, shaved my head also love it everyone said i look awesome. And i was full of confidence and wanted to contact her. A long msg about how i know i made a mistake and dont expect anything from her but would like to know if she wants to grab a coffee or something. But before I sent it my friend stopped me (the mutual friend that introduced us) He is still in contact with her because theyve been friends for a long time. And they got on subject of me and she said like he can forget about me, I gave him more than enough chances,I dont feel sorry for him. I would rather stay alone my whole life then go trough something like that again. I mean i know i was bad and being in a relatioship with someone with low self esteem is hard and I caused her pain.

 

 

 

But i truly think Im going in the right direction and would like to try again with her but she doesnt even wanna hear about me.(she became distant and cold and heartless)

I think she still loves me but she is scared that I didnt and wont change.(FYI we see each other almost every saturday out in the club but she always sits far away and turns her back to me and my friends so she wouldnt see me and she would try to hang out with some random guys, not sure if to piss me off or something else)

 

What I did few days ago was sent her a text explaining why i behaved the way i did and that im ok with her decision never to talk to me again and that Im gonna do what she wants. Try to forget about her and move on. Made sure message wasnt agressive or anything. Just plain and simple explained and said what I wanted to. (when we broke up my head was a mess and couldnt tell her why i behaved like that because I didnt know it myself) wished her luck in her life and blocked her on all social media

 

 

 

 

 

TL:DR because of my low self esteem and fear due to some problems in my life I pushed away my GF and now after 2 months she still doesnt want to do anything with me (4.5 years together)

[elaine567]

Same old, same old.

 

I treated my gf like sh*t.

I forced her to dump me.

She did.

 

Now my life is so much better.

I am going to the gym, seeing my friends, my life is back on track. I want her back...

 

NO way Jose.

You can't erase the bad memories with a gym membership. She will remember every time you hurt her and made her unhappy as if it was yesterday...

[badaboombadabing]

I wouldnt say i treated her like s*** I was just uninterested and wasnt trying at all . Im not saying everything can be as before but Im wondering is it really somrthing that she will never get over . I am working on myself and already feel and look much better. Im fixing my problems is it too much for a guy to ask for a 2nd chance if we love eachother

[elaine567]

I wouldnt say i treated her like s*** I was just uninterested and wasnt trying at all . Im not saying everything can be as before but Im wondering is it really somrthing that she will never get over . I am working on myself and already feel and look much better. Im fixing my problems is it too much for a guy to ask for a 2nd chance if we love eachother

 

"Working on yourself" whatever that means, does not erase the past.

You have to move on.

Mothers and family will take you back after you treat them bad, gfs don't.

Romantic love is not unconditional, you mess up and it is finished.

Sounds like she gave you multiple chances, now it is just too little too late.

She doesn't trust you to treat her any better than you did before.

Without trust there is nothing.

[schlumpy]

You have less than the thickness of a cat's whisker of getting her back again. How important is this to you really? So far you are just dog paddling around.

 

Little messages aren't going to help nor are casual meet ups at the club and don't listen to well meaning friends who purport to have inside knowledge of her feelings.

 

The only way she comes back is through action on your part where you demonstrate you are now a changed man. You can't just tell her that, you have to show it to her.

 

Is there some dream that you two shared that you could work towards. Something like she always wanted a horse, a house with a swimming pool, or a 3 week vacation exploring the ruins of Minoan Crete. Sorry, that last one was my dream.

 

You could work towards that goal and if you can't get to her directly then use her friends to get the message across.

 

Meanwhile actually change your behavior. Make yourself a better man.

 

You could write her one last letter. Notice I said "letter" as in drop in the mailbox? Make sure it's hand written not ripped off the printer. Apologize in short concise sentences that you take responsibility for your part of the break up. You will be working hard in the future to repair the character flaws and that you hope eventually she will be able let go of her anger against you.

 

The letter is risky because you already drifted in and out too many times to give it the impact it needs so I would understand if you didn't do it.

 

You write what you want but make sure it's not needy or begging for another chance. Just be understanding. Think of it as offering an olive branch.

 

Then it's up to you to put in the work to show her how much this relationship means to you or not.

 

Sure would be easier to sweet talk a new girl without a past to fight about.

[badaboombadabing]

I cant do the letter thing youre suggesting because recently I just sent her message on facebook it was a bit longer one containing the exact same thing you just told me. I apologised acknowledged my fault told her i still care but dont expect anything from her that im working on my problems and that i wish her the best in life if she never wants to see me again but if should decides to do she can contact me and i deleted her from all social media because i cant keep checking it all the time. She means everything to me but i just wasnt capable of showing her i love her even if i did more than anything because i hated myself.

[schlumpy]

She means everything to me but i just wasnt capable of showing her i love her even if i did more than anything because i hated myself.

 

Ok. Check out the 180 on the chump lady website. The program will help you detach from your feelings. Only time will set things straight for you.

[spiderowl]

It all depends how much she loved you, but it sounds as though she was stung so many times that she will not consider you again.

 

You mention around a year that she was trying hard and you were pushing her away. No-one can cope with being rejected for so long.

 

What reason is there to suppose you would treat her any differently now? What has fundamentally changed? Why were you actually pushing her away all the time? You say it was low self-esteem but why did that have such an impact on her?

 

I agree with other posters that she is unlikely to want to go back into a relationship that must have felt rejecting and hurtful. She will not believe anything has changed. She will assume things will be the same. You would be better off looking forward not backwards and preparing yourself for a new relationship, making sure the same pattern does not happen again.

[badaboombadabing]

I believe she loved me a lot,but maybe that love went away during the last year. I dont know. Anyways Im trying to move on and not expecting anything. She is probably trying to move on and I dont mind. I just hope shes happy and well. Thank you guys for your insight I kind of knew all of what you said but hey, lets see if strangers are gonna give me some false hope ahahha Thank you

[badaboombadabing]

ok just an update if anyone is wondering. Its been a bit more than 2 months. She never replied to my message (its ok i wasnt expecting her to) but what hurt me the most is that she is already dating new guy(she probably started after a month already) and posted profile pic on instagram where she is hugging him. Now that wouldnt be weird but I know her, she never had a picture with someone posted online before me. And even we waited a year before that because we wanted to be sure this is it before we posted anything for the world to see. I checked and know she didnt meet him during our relationship or talked to him or anything. I know that she is a pretty weak person who cant be alone so she probably took the first guy that aproached her. Seeing her with him was the last knife in my heart. I think nothing can set me back anymore. I want her to be happy but I also hate her and feel disgusted by her. I did push her away I know but I thought she was a bit more mature than this. Guess you see the person's true face after breakup. Last 2 or 3 months of our relationship I started trying harded and pushed myself to engage in all activities with her and my friends (I was still suffering from stress, and low confidence) so I was doing it slowly. I couldnt change myself over the night.

She told my friend that she noticed I was trying harder but as she said too late and not enough.So I realised after everything we went trough (I went trough **** for our relationship to work and wanted to give up many times) she was with me but gave up after I started trying harder to improve myself and our relationship. If someone wont go trough good and bad with me then I guess someday I will find someone who will.So as days are going pass It still hurts as hell. I feel betrayed , gave up on. Since she is already dating I feel like she never loved me, that im nothing but a ****ty person and a monster. I know I hurt her and everything and we are no longer dating so she can do whatever she wants (yes I know all of that) but people break up due to more serious problems than this and still dont hate their ex partner like she does me.So im realising that it was probably for the better that we broke up.(tbh I dont deserve to be treated like ****) When i sent her the elephant in the room text i blocked her on all social media, deleted all pictures i had of her. basically cleaned everything and decided to keep focusing on myself and not get distracted by her and the new guy(s). Still hurts af though but getting better day after day. I know you guys told me I have no chance of getting her back and I know its true.I gave up hoping when i saw her with him.As days go by Im slowly getting at peace with that fact. Still working and improving myself . Putting myself out there with new people and trying to be social as possible. Some days Im good, some I just wanna die but I guess it takes time. Im even thinking of starting to approach girls again (not for a relationship because Im not even close ready for that) just for casual hookups. What do you guys think.

Edited August 26, 2019 by badaboombadabing

[schlumpy]

I think you still have a lot feelings to purge. Anger and disgust at your Ex is a good tool at this stage to move yourself in the right direction. Your goal is indifference.

 

Quit looking at her social media. Instead post some pictures of yourself enjoying life without her and mean it.

 

Isn't there something you wanted to do in life that being with her kept you from? Now is the time to do it. This is an opportunity not a kick in the pants.

[badaboombadabing]

Yes i have tons of feelings still. Still love her miss her but also hate her and feeling disgusted. Its complicated and annoying. She was my first serious gf

so I never went trough something like that before and im fighting with myself.

 

no Im not looking at her social media. I blocked her on everything but a friend of mine has her on instagram and sent me a screenshot even though I told all of my friends not to talk about her or send me anything thats related to her.

 

Well since she left me I feel like I lost half of myself. I lost the goal in my life which was her and my life with her. So now Im wondering what do to and why. What for, whats the point.

 

Only thing I can think about is that i wanted to buzz cut my hair (since i will be bald in next few years I wanted to try out the look) and she kept saying she wasnt ready to see me without hair. Ive already buzzed it off but like thats the only thing I can think of. It helped a tiny bit but thats it.

[BlueV12]

I feel for you man. I'm going through a similar situation with breakup. It's the worst pain imaginable, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You can read my thread too, you're not alone in going through this pain.

[schlumpy]

Do not look to others (your ex for example) for your happiness. Your happiness must be generated internally. SOs are there to add to it.

[preraph]

You know, please realize that a certain amount of what happened is that you were both at the age where people go through changes and aren't mature enough to always make the right decisions and are high hormonally and sometimes going through emotional things. I mean, most people I knew college age were kind of miserable part of the time and having fun the rest.

 

Depression will make you distance yourself from people. You might need to see a therapist if you keep having depression. Your self-esteem is normally something that came from childhood or being bullied later and that type thing. And it might be good to find out how it started, but then usually our accomplishments that we do as we make our own way as adults usually build our self-esteem and estimation of ourselves.

 

The other thing to remember is usually people who date while they're still young and immature do NOT end up with each other. That is normal. People change in different ways through their teens and 20s and meet new people and their world expands and gives them different perspectives and priorities. Again, that's normal.

 

Just work on yourself. If depression recurs or continues get into therapy and find the cause of your low self-esteem. It's not about her. It's about what made you kind of self-sabotage, but again, part of that is just immaturity. I'm sure you will take some lessons from that event going forward to keep from repeating mistakes. Good luck.

[badaboombadabing]

The problem is I cant stop blaming myself. No she wasnt perfect ofc. Noone is. But I wasnt myself in my head and couldnt show her I love her. As she said to a friend of ours, i was cold to her, distant etc. She was planning to break up with me on Easter this year (She never told me that she wanted to but i found out after the break up) Instead we had a talk on easter where I did realise she wasnt happy and I promised Im gonna try harder. Which I did as i previously said for the next 2 months until she broke up in june. She realised I was trying but later said that it wasnt enough and its too late. So I know she was preparing to break up for few months and was already getting over me and losing her feelings towards me. Thats why she is already dating a new guy after a month. The more time passes by I realise I dont want her anymore. If she jumped on someone else's dick so fast after a breakup then I dont want that person anymore. But problem is blame is still there, and I still keep asking myself would it be any different if i wasnt like that.

 

As I said i never had confidence problems growing up or with girls before her. Problem here was that our relationship was boring and in a rut. Wasnt moving forward(she was in college and we could only see each other on weekends if I wasnt working) and also i had stressfull job and other problems and started being afraid that she would leave me. I never feared losing anyone before and had no idea how to handle that. Thats what ****ed me up low confidence and fear and I started pushing because immaturity and not knowing what to do.Thinking I dont deserve her and she should find someone she will be happy with.

 

And guess what ,she did. And now Im scared I will never forgive myself for possibly pushing away "the one" and dont think I will ever find someone like or better than her. I dont even think I even deserve that to **** up again.

Edited August 27, 2019 by badaboombadabing

[schlumpy]

 

I very much doubt it had much to do with you pushing her away. It had more to do with your dissimilar lifestyles.

 

Fun, flirting and carefree in college or the daily grind of 8 to 5. Which one would you pick?

 

I think you would have separated regardless of your behavior.

 

Watch out for her in the future when she wants to be friends. They many times come back after they've purged their wild side. Don't be her plan B because there is someone out there that wants you to be their Plan A.

[mark clemson]

It's easier said than done, but it sounds like moving on is the best thing here, esp. if there's some new guy in the picture. She is moving on with her life, suggest you do the same.

 

- Resolve to be done with her

- Do NOT view her social media or similar or have any contact with her; go to the gym at a different time

- Don't bother/fall for trying to be "friends" until your in a genuine place of emotional indifference (e.g. in a few years)

- Get to a place of genuine self-confidence internally

- Make all reasonable efforts to make yourself as attractive to women as possible

- Get good at flirting with/talking to women without appearing needy

- Find someone else

[mark clemson]

Here's a link that may help with the "becoming as attractive as possible" part:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/689200-question-women-what-do-you-find-attractive-about-man

[Highndry]

Same old, same old....NO way Jose.

You can't erase the bad memories with a gym membership. She will remember every time you hurt her and made her unhappy as if it was yesterday...

 

 

But she will never remember the constant emotional torture she put him through...the manipulation...the games....because there is no accountability, only blame.

[Silver_star]

When love doesnt work out..it is not a blame game. Well, if you want to waste time and go through the agony of making assumptions, finger pointing, name calling then sure go ahead...but reality is that it did not work between you two, end of story.

 

It always takes two. It didnt work out because you BOTH had an equal part in making it work and could not do so. So, don't blame yourself or resent her, and learn to accept it for what it is. If she was "the one" then she would be with you right now.

 

it's not ALL your fault. Alot of factors at play, and even if a lot of those factors you contributed to...doesnt make the reality change now. Accept that you made some bad choices, forgive yourself for that, and learn from your mistakes if you don't want to repeat the same things in the future.

 

You are still young, and you will always have love and fond memories of your ex because she was your first, but you will find another love.

[badaboombadabing]

Thank you guys for your kind words. Its been 2.5 months since breakup and as much as I still hate her for finding a new guy after only a month cca I still ****ing love her and miss her . Is this normal? Btw guy she found(or he found her) is a complete opposite of me, someone she said she would never date. Wtf is with that.

[elaine567]

But she will never remember the constant emotional torture she put him through...the manipulation...the games....because there is no accountability, only blame.

What emotional torture? What games? What manipulation?

Have you got the right thread?

After 3 years HE spent 1.5 years pushing her away... until she finally called it a day.

[assertives]

Thank you guys for your kind words. Its been 2.5 months since breakup and as much as I still hate her for finding a new guy after only a month cca I still ****ing love her and miss her . Is this normal? Btw guy she found(or he found her) is a complete opposite of me, someone she said she would never date. Wtf is with that.

 

You should block her on social media and stop keeping up to date with what's going on in her life. You are only shopping for pain now at this point. Also, obviously the kind of guys she chooses to date and think is a good fit for her when she was 17 is not likely to be the same she gets older. We grow and learn new things as we have more life and relationship experiences. There's nothing unusual about that.

 

I think your feelings are normal. 2.5 months is still early days yet. As for her dating someone new a month after your breakup, thing is, it may not necessarily be "too early". As you said, you pushed her away for more than a year, and she literally spent more than a year trying to win you back. For her, she probably felt the equivalent of a "breakup" since more than a year ago. She probably finally came to terms with things ending a couple of months before the actual breakup. Obviously, by then it's too little too late.

 

I see you seem to have alot of anger towards her for not continuing to be there to wait for you to come out of your emotional funk. Thing is, she has been trying for more than a year while you withheld emotions and effort from her all these while. Relationships whether romantic or platonic or needs to be nurtured and cultivated by both parties. You can't expect to leave it alone or worse, do things to sabotage the relationship (like pushing her away) and still expect it to survive on its own and be able to pick things up where you left off when you feel like it. Nobody owes anybody a 2nd chance.

 

Anyways, we live and learn. Continue to work on yourself so that you'll be able to offer a better version of yourself in your next relationship.

[Maddie82]

Thank you guys for your kind words. Its been 2.5 months since breakup and as much as I still hate her for finding a new guy after only a month cca I still ****ing love her and miss her . Is this normal? Btw guy she found(or he found her) is a complete opposite of me, someone she said she would never date. Wtf is with that.

 

In reality here, she hasn't done anything wrong, so it's unfair to hate her and feel disgusted with her just because she moved on. What you have to remember is that you pushed her away for a long time, so for her the relationship was over a long time ago.