innocentab1 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Hi All, This is the first time I have ever done anything like this… but here goes… I am currently in a relationship of 10 months with a man 10 years older than me. I have a four year old daughter and he has grown up kids from his previous marriage. We met quite unexpectedly, when we both left previous marriages. It came completely out the blue and hit us both like a lightning bolt. We fell quickly and deeply in love. I have never experienced anything like it. We have always been open and honest with each other, but recently he has massively cooled off saying that he wants to be alone. He doesn’t want to bring up any more children. That he loves me, and his decision involves me, but isn’t me. He is 10 years older than me, and said he feels too old to bring up a four year old. I am devastated. It’s not like I have hidden the fact I have a child. I have always said we come as a package, and he has always been supportive. Part of me respects him for his honesty, part of me thinks I can change his mind. Seeing as he has been so supportive and we have promised so much. We have said we're soulmates. We live separately, so my daughter has not been effected. She knows him but not well and I wanted to protect her after the breakdown of my marriage. Does anyone have experience of this? Will taking a step back help? Perhaps he needs time, seeing as so much has happened so fast. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 What ever happened to "Love Conquers All?" Unless he changes his mind you cannot move forward in this relationship. He was very clear about how he felt and as you have stated you have a daughter to protect as well as yourself. Give him the space he needs and shut him out. Don't accept messages or late night phone calls that have more to do with bedtime then love time. Start dating again. Don't wait for him. If he changes his mind, don't take him back without some guarantee it isn't temporary on his part. A nice engagement ring would suffice. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You come across as such a gentle and loving person. Too bad he can't see that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Hi All, We met quite unexpectedly, when we both left previous marriages. It came completely out the blue and hit us both like a lightning bolt. We fell quickly and deeply in love. I have never experienced anything like it. Text book 'rebound' relationship. That's why we should never date someone right out of a relationship. It's true even more for men than women I think. I am very very sorry but it's over. You felt good to him, you made him forget about his divorce but now he's ready to move on without you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author innocentab1 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 Thanks for the thoughts ladies. I am in my bloomin' 40s and I didn't think I would get hurt like this again - and boy does it hurt. I rang him today - I know I shouldn't - and think I have made it x10 worse in my mind now. Part of me can't accept it. Especially when we clicked on every level and he says he still loves me. But to me, if you love someone, you accept their situation no matter what. If he wanted me that badly, he would take on my daughter; simple as that. Am just gutted x Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 But to me, if you love someone, you accept their situation no matter what. If he wanted me that badly, he would take on my daughter; simple as that. Or, he should have told you that he wasn’t interested in a relationship a woman with a child when you first met. I’m sorry, this sucks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author innocentab1 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 Yes, it does suck, because it was almost the first thing we discussed and he promised it wasn't an issue. That he loved me, and he accepted the life we would have together with her. Hence both my confusion and distress. I took his word. Link to post Share on other sites
Author innocentab1 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 Does no-one think time and space may be the answer? That he has suddenly cooled off because he wants to get his head straight for us to move on together? Or am I deluded? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 (edited) It’s possible, with time and distance that he may decide he misses you and change his mind about your relationship. It’s possible that with a little time and distance, you may decide this relationship wasn’t what you thought it was and he is not the man that you and your daughter can rely on... The more important thing to consider, you have a daughter to protect. Bringing a man into your life and allowing her to build a relationship - when he is not 100% committed to be there - is not a good thing to do for her. I remember this conversation, before my boyfriend told his son that I existed. His exact quote was - “If you are ever going to bail, now is the time to do it.” I took that very seriously, I would never have met his son if I wasn’t committed to a long term relationship. Sure, one can never predict the future... but, I think if she was my child, this would really cause me to go into protective mama mode and put my disappointment aside, because it’s in her best interest. The last thing I would want would be for him to come and go, come and go... from your lives. Edited August 15, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Look up a program called the 180. It can found on the Chump lady website. If you follow the program it will help you detach, although I know that's the last thing you want right now. Being able to make clear headed decisions will put you in a better place when dealing with this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Sorry, but you want to shackle a 50 something yo guy to a four yo? It is not his kid, he has already brought up his own kids and now he is divorced, I guess he wants to be "free". Many newly divorced men want to do what they want to do, and playing Dad to a four yo for the next 2 decades is not I guess high on his priority list. Kids are expensive, he will soon be retired. He probably did not envisage spending his retirement funds on a child... I also guess he is not so into you as previously, the rose coloured glasses are off, so what seemed like a good idea at the time, has hit home for him. Hugs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Yes, it does suck, because it was almost the first thing we discussed and he promised it wasn't an issue. That he loved me, and he accepted the life we would have together with her. Hence both my confusion and distress. I took his word. An infatuated man will promise anything. Then time goes, butterflies settle down, reality hits. I know at this moment you love him but looking at the big picture this is for the best. You need for yourself and your child a man with patience, love, and a good level of energy. This would have ended with him complaining she's too noisy with her toys, etc. I don't even want to imagine how it would be with him being in his 60s and your child being a teen girl needing a ride here and there, having noisy friends over, sleep overs, etc. He would make both your life miserable. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author innocentab1 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 I guess you are right, when you fall head over heels, you don't make rational choices. It's very fresh, and early days for me to get my head around. Everyone's comments make sense. Just got to get it into my head now and accept it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Yes, it does suck, because it was almost the first thing we discussed and he promised it wasn't an issue.. That was all probably true at the time, but something has happened since then that has caused him to rethink the wisdom in this approach for his life... Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Does no-one think time and space may be the answer? No--because children are a bottom line issue---either you want them around or you don't. He does no one any favors by ignoring this because eventually it will turn to resentment towards both you and the child because he knew way back when he didn't want to be in this situation. He's told you that he's done rearing small children... and someone of this mindset is not someone you want around your child, no matter how much you think you love them or need a relationship. He's not the right guy to have around your child and her well being comes before your dating life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 His rose colored glasses came off. Think of it this way, if you had to choose between this man and your daughter, wouldn't you choose your daughter in a heartheat? But you HAVE your daughter! Be happy about that. I wouldn't want a man who doesn't want my daughter around. Even if this guy comes back, I dunno... now you know how he feels about your daughter. And children are sensitive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author innocentab1 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 I would choose my Daughter. Every. Single. Time. But I do still love him. He works around my house, and I work from home. So it's almost impossible not to see him on a daily basis. But you have all given me much to think on and action. x Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I'm not 100% convinced your daughter is the reason for the breakup. That could be the reason, or it could be a convenient excuse. Either way, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he doesn't want to continue on in the relationship. If the reason is your daughter, one thing I will say is that it's impossible to project how you will feel about something in the future. He may have thought that your daughter was not a dealbreaker in the beginning, but feelings change over time. Sometimes, when you find yourself living out a situation, you realize that you feel differently than you thought you would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author innocentab1 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 See, I do tend to agree with you. I am not 100% convinced my Daughter is the reason either. But I doubt the truth will ever out x Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Sorry it went that way, but he tried it and he didn't like it. I'm sure it's more than one reason. Nothing to do about it but move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Oh this little chestnut! I’ve had this done to me op. I feel your pain. Im 40 and have 2 boys age 8 and 6. After not introducing my ex to them for a year (yes you read that correctly, I wanted to be “sure” before I took the chance), and after he played with them, ate with them and said that he loved them (directly to them, not to me) he then decided that he didn’t want my boys or a “woman with 2 children”! The relationship ended for different reasons. However what I later came to realise is that it was never a question of my boys and I not being good enough for him. He wasn’t good enough for us and he didn’t deserve us. Not by a long shot. Ironically, after the relationship was over he then contacted me some months later and asked to see my boys as he “missed them”. Due to having extensive evidence at this point of him being very psychiatrically unwell, my answer was a resounding No. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 But to me, if you love someone, you accept their situation no matter what. If he wanted me that badly, he would take on my daughter; simple as that. It's not that simple. Last November, I met someone and we dove into a relationship right away. In my defense, he was the one pushing for it hard. I went along with it because I had been single for a long time, what he was offering in the moment was great, and he was extremely persistent and persuasive. I did love him, and for the most part we had a wonderful time together. But he had issues that made him a bad choice for marriage (unstable due to PTSD from war trauma, resulting in a host of issues), so eventually I had to end it. So even though I loved him, I couldn't be with him long-term. You both enjoyed a nice little rebound relationship. Now it's time to move on, get your mind clear again, and meet someone on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 See, I do tend to agree with you. I am not 100% convinced my Daughter is the reason either. But I doubt the truth will ever out x It seems like a weakish reason to cut off a relationship unless he's just not feeling it anyway. There might be some partial truth to it. At age 50, he's probably not keen on raising a child. Most people are in a different phase of life at that point. But I bet there's more to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author innocentab1 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 So many replies, thank you. It gives me strength to get things off my chest, if that makes sense. I relocated with my ex just a few years back, and haven’t forged many deep friendships here yet. This man was literally the first person I met after my split. He was supportive and an incredible rock, atm I feel like I need him, but I know that will pass. Things feel lonely without him and my old support network that I had before we moved. I feel so many similarities to a lot of you. He pushed hard and was relentless in getting me, and now this. It’s so cruel. But I have to find the time and space to get peace and strength back. As mentioned previously I see him on a day to day basis, due to his job. Which will be tricky. Part of me thinks I’ve not seen the last of him. But I will be damned if I will let him hurt me twice. Thanks again everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Yes, it does suck, because it was almost the first thing we discussed and he promised it wasn't an issue. That he loved me, and he accepted the life we would have together with her. Hence both my confusion and distress. I took his word. Your situation reminds me of that Naked Eyes song, "Promises, Promises." You made me promises promises Knowing I'd believe Promises promises You knew you'd never keep Yes, you fell for this guy hard and fast. Yes, he made you promises that you and your 4 year old daughter were a package and he'd love you both. But now he's changed his mind and methinks it's because you were actually EACH OTHER'S rebounds. You were both lacking a social support network so you were lonely; you both had strong chemistry with each other so things were promised or planned or longed for that weren't realistic in the long run. Since you work with him, I'd avoid him like the plague until you've recovered and can be around him without feeling awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 I'm so sorry. You must feel betrayed. The guy was obviously in need of company and infatuated at first. He would probably have said anything at that point. When reality set in, that he would need to commit to you and your daughter for more than just a fun time, he backed off. I can understand him not wanting to be looking after a young child again. He's already done that. As an older person myself, I feel tired at that prospect. I would have committed myself to being a second parent if I had met 'the one', but I would have found it harder than first time round. He should not have said that it did not matter to him. He was too impulsive and too blinded by infatuation to be restrained. I know you must be feeling so hurt. It is a situation that no-one wants. Other posters are right, you should not engage with him any more, no chats, no company, nothing. He is not entitled to have you now. It may be that he has fully made up his mind and knows that, but he is likely to miss you and may try to creep back for all the benefits of the relationship without the responsibilities. Please don't let him Link to post Share on other sites
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