DaddyDom Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Wow..this is like deja vu. I'm 38 and my ex is 28. We literally just broke up today due to her distancing herself and de-prioritizing our relationship. Now of course she acts like nothing was wrong, etc.. But in the end you ALWAYS pay attention to actions. For the past month, I saw her a total of three days. For Labor Day weekend I wanted a romantic get away to make up for lost time. She told me she had planned on getting a group of friends together for the 4 days and wanted me to tag along. These are the same friends we were going to spend all of next weekend with. LOL Since he is pulling back, wanting to be alone, and going internal, his interest is severely dropping. Pay attention to the obvious signs and walk away while you still can. People don't change and things don't get better. You either accept the person for who they are being unhappy, or make a change for the better. Life is too short! Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Do not try and make this work. He's told you what you need to know. Better believe him. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 I'm 38 and my ex is 28. We literally just broke up today due to her distancing herself and de-prioritizing our relationship. Now of course she acts like nothing was wrong, etc.. But in the end you ALWAYS pay attention to actions. ^^^^^ yes, Always Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Does no-one think time and space may be the answer? That he has suddenly cooled off because he wants to get his head straight for us to move on together? Or am I deluded? Guy here, well it couldn't hurt , nothing to lose at this stage. Sometimes tough words are easy but with some time apart we realize how much we have and she means to us and get things into better perspective. Could also be just as much about the fact that she's not his , l know l wouldn't wanna bring up someone else's children, not unless the father had died or something. Why would he even have to bring her up though anyway isn't her father in her life? Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 You it seems were very recently single when you met him. How recent was his split? Was there discussions of moving in together? Because why is he thinking he has to help raise your daughter ? If you remain living separately then surely he has little or nothing to do with your daughter? She has a father?!? Do you have full or shared custody? Of course this might just be a classic rebound and he used your daughter as an excuse to end it instead of confessing he’s just not that into you anymore after the honeymoon period? It’s easier for him to make a clean break this way ? Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Does anyone have experience of this? Will taking a step back help? Perhaps he needs time, seeing as so much has happened so fast. Thank you I have had experience in this and I can say nothing will help. There is no point waiting for him as he will come in and out of your life. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't want to be "alone", he would want you. Forget him and find happiness w/someone else who will be committed to you. Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 People are allowed to change their minds. That's how most relationships end. He probably didn't lie about kids being an issue when it came to getting to know you. But sometimes a guy will sit down and do the math and wonder if they really want to be a 60-something getting yelled at by someone else's moody teenager or whatever lies ahead in the times where his life should be slowing down. Waiting for him is unnecessary. He wants to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author innocentab1 Posted August 27, 2019 Author Share Posted August 27, 2019 I contacted him, I had a weak moment and I did it… did he respond? Did he hell. Now I feel rubbish. Unfortunately we work together, it is almost impossible not to run into him on a daily basis. I have avoided him, but saw him today, he struck up a chat – and I messaged him. He told me he still loves me, that he wants to be with me, but can’t because of my daughter. I mean why say that... This up and down is tormenting. I need to be strong, but struggling so bad. Back story is here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/688654-10-months-he-says Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 No up and down. Just let him go and find someone else. If you have limerence (research it a bit) that will be a problem as you'll have to wait it out. Otherwise, just move on. He's not right for you and your child and trying to force this to work wouldn't change that IMO. Look for someone new who either has their own younger kids or who is genuinely accepting of your child. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueV12 Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 Just curious, how did you guys meet? Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 He actually made it clear that it won't work for him - that's good for him for being up front here. That's all the reason you need. It takes times get over someone, but you'll get there, in time. Don't fret. Go back to NC with him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 He told me he still loves me, that he wants to be with me, but can’t because of my daughter. I mean why say that... Any man that tells you this is not the man for you and your daughter. Your daughter comes first and he knows this, I hope. He knows your daughter will always be there so he is telling you that you guys will never be together. With that it is time for you to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Melrose78 Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 You're hanging on. Hoping he will change his mind and come back to you. You need to face the fact that you are hurting yourself by not letting go of this belief. You deserve soooo much more then that. The sooner you face this, the sooner you will heal. He shouldn't be saying any of that to you. He knows there is no future. The love word shouldn't even be uttered now. It's selfish and only causes pain!! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 He wasn't looking for a family and commitment. Even without the child, I doubt he'd have committed. A lot of guys just want a companion to have sex with who isn't too much trouble, honestly. You have to watch out for that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 He wasn't looking for a family and commitment. Even without the child, I doubt he'd have committed. A lot of guys just want a companion to have sex with who isn't too much trouble, honestly. You have to watch out for that. Agreed. Many men have identified the single Mom/divorcee as being very suitable for "casual" type relationships. These women are often "busy" which leaves him plenty time to get on with his own life. Once she starts asking for "more" or it is starting to look "serious", he disappears as that was never his intention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Im coming from a different stance in the respect of I have 0 empathy or respect for your ex for “changing his mind”. As a parent himself he would have known from the get go the responsibilities/ restrictions that having a child entails. He also would have known that involving himself with your daughter would have given both of you the impression that he wanted to be part of your lives. If he only wanted a “casual relationship” with you away from your daughter then he should have never have agreed to meet your daughter in the first place. Now he has the gall to tell you repeatedly and blazingly that he wants you but does not want your daughter? How dare he devalue you and your daughter just because he now decides that family life is not for him. Frankly, if this was me it would take me all my willpower to control myself. I’d be fuming! Absolutely fuming! She is an asset to you, not a hindrance and don’t let any man lead you to believe otherwise. I do understand that some men do not care to be in a stepfather role and that’s absolutely fine (I don’t think I could do it). However this guy led you on and I think that was very unfair to you and your daughter. Find a man who wants family life and who will open his heart to you and your daughter. Don’t settle for less. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 You and your daughter are a package deal until she grows up and leaves home. I agree with the other poster, he's a father, he was careless and thoughtless by stepping into your lives, he knew the score. Of course he's got the right to change his mind, but this shouldn't have been something that took 10 months for someone who has children himself to figure out. I think it's very possible he's ended it for another reason. I know it's hard, but stop any contact with him except as absolutely necessary for work. Every time you're tempted to talk to him remind yourself he rejected your daughter. Or he's using her as an excuse, which is pathetic. That won't stop it from hurting, but surely it will stop you from trying to continue contact. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 How do you feel about dating men that have a child that is about the age of your own? You both bring the same game to the table. Seems like a level playing field to me. Consider focusing on finding someone that already has insight into your priorities in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Finding my way: I 100% agree with you. Also let’s also remember that this man has always been aware of his chronological age. It’s not just suddenly occurred to him. Op you’re hurting and grieving so it’s hard not to want him. But ask yourself this: does you’re daughter want him and deserve him? The answer is no therefore he’s not the right man for you (or a suitable step father for her) Just a suggestion but maybe you could consider finding alternative employment so you can go complete no contact and move on. I would. I wouldn’t want to go through the anger I’d feel every time I saw him, knowing he’d rejected my child. Link to post Share on other sites
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