I don’t know how to stop.

[Timshel]

Ok, thank you Bailey, as I did charge in.

I think OP that what you need is counseling, as others have already said. There is also something to be said for letting a person have what they want. The more adamant that someone should do this or that, the more a person digs in.

[Mrin]

OP: I'm just going to toss this out there but it seems like you are sort of addicted to the drama of the situation. Hold on I'm not calling you a drama llama. But here's the thing - most of us can see that you really have only two options 1) open the marriage or 2) divorce your husband. I'm a little more open-minded and I vote for option number one as a starting point. But there are only really two options here.

 

So what's with all of the self-flagellation and hand-wringing you are doing? Here's what I think - you are going through all of this because you feel like you need to. You need to have all of this drama either as some sort of punishment or some sort of agony because it is such an impactful thing. Anyting big involves suffering, right? And so you have yourself in this recursive loop wringing your hands and freaking out. I don't think you're doing it for attention. I think you're doing it because you feel you need to.

 

And I think you don't. Pivotal moments in life don't need to be like months spent out in the desert purified by the elements. I think it's usually the opposite. Pivotal moments are when you let go of all the crap and make the decision or change that you need. You stop making up all sorts of story and you just do what needs to be done. So stop with all of this sex addict stuff. And how you suffered for years with an inattentive husband. Just put on your big girl panties and make a decision. Stop abusing yourself.

Edited August 15, 2019 by Mrin

[RoseGold18]

At best, I think her unwillingness to leave her marriage and her desire to seek a solution in an affair is based in her childhood trauma, and a desire to seek security.

 

At worst, I think her unwillingness to leave her marriage is based in her own selfish desire, she does not want to leave the comfort of her home where her husband helps her to pay the bills and care for her child.

 

The truth is probably a little of both.

 

And, I don't know that the fear is as much that the husband will step out - given what has been shared, that seems unlikely. I think the fear is actually that despite what he has said, he will not want a wife who is sleeping around with anyone who will have her and he decides to leave the marriage. That would be my fear... Despite what he has previously said, it's a big gamble to take... to call his bluff.

 

This is spot on. You should be a counselor. In fact why do I even pay to see a counselor when I can just get the insight from you?!?

[RoseGold18]

Rosegold, if you have brought yourself out of a dysfunctional childhood and poverty to educate yourself and build a good life for yourself, then you are stronger than you give yourself credit. I have to wonder, if you did what scares you most, you might discover a resiliency and a strength that you never knew you had...

 

 

Thank you. I’ve been told this many times before from people that know me in real life. I just wish I had more confidence in myself.

 

The truth sometimes is hard to hear and accept. I know I’m being selfish and I also know that my husband is a better person than me and I really don’t deserve him.

 

I also know this this MM is using me and doesn’t really care about me. I’m sure he thinks I’m just a whore and it wouldn’t bother him much if I just called the whole thing off.

 

Believe me, I am not delusional.

[RoseGold18]

Simple fix: open the marriage. Tell your husband that you are taking him up on his offer to open it.

 

I’ve definitely thought about it.

[RoseGold18]

I dont think anyone is confused by what you're saying, the confusion is that it logically makes no sense.

 

You hammer your husband about an open marriage but you're scared he will judge you for having sex with other men. Here is why its illogical. By hammering him about an open marriage you've told him 6ou want sex with other men. So this idea that you fear his judgment isnt logical. What does make sense, because you have already cheated with at least two men is you fear your husband making another connection. It makes sense because your biggest fear is not having your husband around to pay the Bill's and watch the kid while you enjoy your sexual activities away from the home.

 

I get what you’re saying but I honestly don’t think my husband would ever think I would actually go through with it (sex with other men)

 

It’s one thing for me to suggest that but I don’t think he thinks I’m capable of doing that. I’m actually a “good” girl or at least I was.

[elaine567]

But here's the thing - most of us can see that you really have only two options 1) open the marriage or 2) divorce your husband. I'm a little more open-minded and I vote for option number one as a starting point. But there are only really two options here.

 

The open marriage thing is not really an option. The OP is scared that her husband will think less of her or treat her poorly if she openly starts sleeping with someone else. I think sometimes such "permission" given by the "asexual" partner is not real permission, it is said as a test or a throw away comment or a jibe. If taken at face value, all hell can break loose and I guess the OP is probably correct to not rock that boat.

 

I do want an opened marriage and I don’t care if my husband as well has other relationships but what I am trying to say and explain to you is that I don’t want my husband to judge me or treat me differently because I am sleeping with someone else. He doesn’t understand the need for sex. He has no need for it.

 

What I mean is we’re civil towards each other. I don’t want my husband to treat me poorly or lose respect for me as a person. Does that make sense?

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m actually a “good” girl or at least I was.

 

Anyone living an inauthentic life, whether gay, kinky or unfaithful, has the same problem - there’s a price to pay. Few want to settle up, so they get to keep wondering why getting what they think they want brings so little satisfaction or comfort.

 

RG18, sounds like you’re getting “crazy, mind-blowing” sex. So you must be happy, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

I get what you’re saying but I honestly don’t think my husband would ever think I would actually go through with it (sex with other men)

 

It’s one thing for me to suggest that but I don’t think he thinks I’m capable of doing that. I’m actually a “good” girl or at least I was.

 

One of the most difficult things in life is reconciling our own self image to those that others actually hold. We have no control over how others view us.

 

What you're saying is how you hope your husband views you, I promise you his view is different. Automatically bringing in open marriage you've sent him the message that he is not enough and you are interested in other men. All of this I dont think he thinks stuff is only making you feel better about your decision to live a deceptive life. It simply doesn't make sense to say I want an open marriage then believe that your husband doesn't believe you. It's not like you only asked once. Nah, he believes that you are interested in other men. As I said he would have to be mentally incompetent not too.

[DKT3]

Anyone living an inauthentic life, whether gay, kinky or unfaithful, has the same problem - there’s a price to pay. Few want to settle up, so they get to keep wondering why getting what they think they want brings so little satisfaction or comfort.

 

RG18, sounds like you’re getting “crazy, mind-blowing” sex. So you must be happy, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I believe that she is actually satisfied with her situation, outside of the guilt.

[Buffer]

Hi R

 

Sounds a bit off, please as there is no sex, hubby wants a open marriage and you not wanting that.

MC or D. What else is there? There is no communication just the open offer.

 

There are a lot of underlying issues that needs addressing but first; look after the children.

Get tested, then find a partner that truly for fills the void and D.

But first IC!

 

Good luck

Edited August 15, 2019 by Buffer
Errors

[RoseGold18]

Seems ridiculous that a young woman(35) with a young child(4) needs to hire herself out to some married man (with 3 kids, who isn't leaving his wife) in order to get some sex.

 

How can this possibly work long term?

 

It is so ridiculous. I mean, how is this even my life?!?

 

It makes me so sad. I feel like I’m whoring myself out. I basically am. I think hey women can use men for sex too just like men use women for sex but I know it’s not really the same thing.

[DKT3]

A woman comfortable with her sexuality would have no problem having a purely sexual relationship. The problem here is your both married.

[BaileyB]

It makes me so sad. I feel like I’m whoring myself out. I basically am. I think hey women can use men for sex too just like men use women for sex but I know it’s not really the same thing.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but you definitely were with the guy from AM.

 

It was hard to read how desperately you chased him, and how little you were willing to settle for...

 

If you want different for your life, the only person who can make it happen is you. If you want chaos and dysfunction, that is also a choice. Whatever you want and think you deserve, so shall it be...

[RoseGold18]

So what does this MM really think of me?

 

I know he thinks I’m pessimistic. I know he thinks I feel stuck. But does he think I’m just some whore and he has no respect for me?

 

And does him having an affair with me as well mean that he isn’t in love with his wife either.

 

Ideally I would just want a happy marriage that includes intimacy and sex with my husband. But I know I’m not going to get that from him. I’ve asked him so many times if he was gay and he always would get so upset. Well the last time I asked him he didn’t say anything at all.

 

I feel like I would mostly be happy with my current set up if I could see the MM at least 3 times a week. I’m lucky if I see him once a week. And the guilt. I do have guilt. I cry myself to sleep most nights because of my guilt.

[elaine567]

The real problem is her childhood trauma.

Safe, secure almost asexual husband, unemotional no pressure. She is in control.

Women who have been abused are often promiscuous as the abuse taught them that sexual desirability was necessary for self worth.

Here the lust and sex she gets from this MM is desperately needed, else she is worthless.

 

She is conflicted, yes she feels great and worthy, but at the same time she knows she is "whoring" herself out and that feels less good.

 

She does not want to show her true lustful side to her husband else he rejects her, as he has no real understanding of intimacy and sex. She is a good girl, a Madonna...

[DKT3]

The more you post, the worse I feel for your husband. It sounds like you've pounded the masculinity right out of the guy with more sex more sex, your not enough open marriage you're gay. I mean what do you expect? Now you're starting in on the MM.

 

I think you should really find a good therapist and work through your childhood experiences. An unhealthy mother cant raise healthy children.

[BaileyB]

I know he thinks I feel stuck.

You are stuck. Do you not feel stuck? Whenever anyone suggests that you try to change your circumstance, you say "No, I can't do that because..."

 

But does he think I’m just some whore and he has no respect for me?

Hard to say. He would have to be pretty heartless to think you are a whore...

 

And does him having an affair with me as well mean that he isn’t in love with his wife either.

Not at all. They could have the best marriage, have sex frequently, and live to old age watching their children grow for all you know...

 

I feel like I would mostly be happy with my current set up if I could see the MM at least 3 times a week. I’m lucky if I see him once a week. And the guilt. I do have guilt. I cry myself to sleep most nights because of my guilt.

 

Are you for real? You cry yourself to sleep because of the guilt... but, if you could see him three times a week for sex, you would be happy. That’s the same kind of ridiculous, delusional thinking that got you into this whole mess... A complete and total failure to face the reality of your life and make the decision to change... you are still chasing rainbows, looking for happiness in the arms of a married man.

 

If you think this discussion is confused, it's because you make no rational sense. And, you have just proven the theory that you are in this mess, because you want to be in this mess. You chose this chaos for yourself...

 

My friend, it's not guilt that keeps you up at night. Rather, you are frustrated because you can't quite seem to find a way to get everything that you want...

 

A woman who has guilt doesn't say - I would be happy if only I could just see MM more... come on.

 

Read this again...

 

Anyone living an inauthentic life, has the same problem - there’s a price to pay. Few want to settle up, so they get to keep wondering why getting what they think they want brings so little satisfaction or comfort.

 

Or rather, they keep wondering - If only I could see MM three times a week, then perhaps I will be happy...

Edited August 15, 2019 by BaileyB

[Bryanp]

I am just curious if you hate the OM's wife?

Your actions indicate that you do not give

a damn about how it affects her and her children.

 

Do you ever feel bad about what you are doing to her by cheating with her husband behind her back for an entire year?

[RoseGold18]

He maintains the comforts of his home, dual income, co-parenting, appearance of a happy marriage... all while sleeping down the hall and avoiding intimacy with his wife. This solution clearly meets his needs or he would not stay.

 

 

Bingo! My husband doesn’t try either to “fix” our marriage. He has sometimes attempted to sleep in the same bed as me lately but I think that’s because our son has at the age where he realizes we have separate rooms and he talks about it.

 

But he will literally just lay there next to me. There is no cuddling or anything. Then I have a hard time sleeping because he snores, takes up 75% of the bed because he is a lot bigger than me and I can’t sleep because I can’t masturbate.

 

He has said before that I make sex feel like a chore and he would get so mad at himself about his performance that me no longer expecting sex or asking for it I think puts less pressure on him and he prefers that.

[RoseGold18]

The real problem is her childhood trauma.

Safe, secure almost asexual husband, unemotional no pressure. She is in control.

Women who have been abused are often promiscuous as the abuse taught them that sexual desirability was necessary for self worth.

Here the lust and sex she gets from this MM is desperately needed, else she is worthless.

 

She is conflicted, yes she feels great and worthy, but at the same time she knows she is "whoring" herself out and that feels less good.

 

She does not want to show her true lustful side to her husband else he rejects her, as he has no real understanding of intimacy and sex. She is a good girl, a Madonna...

 

This is spot on too. I am in control in my marriage. For the most part I am the one wearing the pants and my husband is passive.

[RoseGold18]

The more you post, the worse I feel for your husband. It sounds like you've pounded the masculinity right out of the guy with more sex more sex, your not enough open marriage you're gay. I mean what do you expect? Now you're starting in on the MM.

 

I think you should really find a good therapist and work through your childhood experiences. An unhealthy mother cant raise healthy children.

 

Me expecting more than sex once a month is pounding the masculinity out of my husband?! I mean I’ve had other relationships before and sex has never been an issue.

[Timshel]

Elaine, things are most often a straight line. Compassion often assigns reason to dysfunction... tries to make logic from chaos.

Stay simple, the truth is always simple, though not palatable.

[RoseGold18]

I am just curious if you hate the OM's wife?

Your actions indicate that you do not give

a damn about how it affects her and her children.

 

Do you ever feel bad about what you are doing to her by cheating with her husband behind her back for an entire year?

 

I don’t know his wife and I don’t ever want to meet her because then I would feel too guilty. I have no hard feelings towards his wife at all and i never talk poorly of her even when MM does and gets upset that I “take her side”.

 

According to the MM his wife knows about me and according to him he openly calls me his girlfriend. I have no idea if any of this is true, but it’s not my issue.

 

Other posters have previously said that most men can have an affair and it won’t affect their home life or their love for their wife so why would I feel guilty about that? According to the MM they have issues for sure but they have sex regularly so him sleeping with me isn’t taking away from him having sex with his wife.

 

I do feel guilty sometimes about the time he spends with me away from his wife who is at home with 3 small children but we try to make it brief. Every time I bring it up he says it’s no big deal. I view it as the same as hanging out with a friend. I have also felt bad about the money we’ve spent because he mostly supports his wife and 3 kids by himself. She works as a waitress a few nights a week. I make just as much as he does and my husband makes equal.

 

We spilt the bill sometimes. Sometimes I pay. Sometimes he insists on paying and our $70 bill on just drinks and appetizers makes me feel bad. That’s what makes me feel guilty but the sex is better when we are both a little tipsy. And it helps to wine down a bit and relax.

Edited August 15, 2019 by RoseGold18

[RoseGold18]

Honestly though affairs can be a lot of work and emotionally hard to handle.

 

I can see myself eventually getting tired of this sort of set-up and just calling the whole thing off. Then the default would be to try my hardest to patch things up with my husband and go to couples counseling.

 

It’s been on my mind for a while.