I don’t know how to stop.

[SummerDreams]

He could be something in between; he does love his wife so he provides for his family and his mother in law, he knows that he has performance issues but is not willing to see a doctor, so he turns a blind eye to his wife finding sex elsewhere, he doesn't want to make it official but he doesn't want to know either. I think this makes more sense.

[pepperbird]

If ( and i say "if") this man is truly asexual, the OP needs to find out for sure. Stop with all the guessing, supposition and projection. Find out the truth and go from there.

[stillafool]

Big difference between not wanting/being unable to have sex and being OK with your partner sleeping with others.

I also do not equate lack of sex with lack of care/love.

 

Sounds like he has performance issues, doesn't mean he wants his wife to have sex with other men, nor that he doesn't love, care for her. The man also supports her disabled mother, so he is hardly a heartless ogre...

 

She has said it's not only that he doesn't give her sex but no affection whatsoever - zilch. Even if he has ED problems a man who loves his wife would hold her hand, hug her and kiss her. He apparently had this problem even before they were married and it would seem if he wanted her sexually he would have sought help for his ED long ago so he could enjoy making love to his wife. He may love her like a sister or relative but not his lover. The fact that he doesn't try to fix the problem and he's told her they can have an open marriage sounds like he's telling the truth. She has said in previous thread that she doesn't want to give up her affair and she isn't even sure she can fall back in love with her husband. So apparently she isn't in love with him either. Divorce is the best option here or OP can just keep complaining and stay in her affair which is going to end badly.

[Amethyst68]

By law, he cannot pull his support. The courts will demand he support his child. Plus this man probably loves his child and wants to support her..

 

Actually I believe they earn a similar amount and if they do 50/50 custody there may not be child support. The problem would be that OP relies on him to support her extended family, her mother at least. Then there is the fact she had often stated she finds parenting difficult and her child a handful, I believe she doesn't want be a single parent at all, for any part of the time. As I said before I wouldn't be surprised if that's why the husband's adamant about staying married, he realises this and doesn't want to give up any custody to her.

 

OP, in this fantasy open poly relationship you're planning I don't see any mention of your son, or the MM's 3 kids (if he's part of it). Where would your son fit in?

[oldtruck]

So many times.

 

Nothing would change.

 

I would tel him how the lack of intimacy pushes me away emotionally. We would talk for literally hours. Cry. Try to figure it out and then I would just go to bed feeling even ****ter with still no sex!!!!

 

I finally stepped out of my marriage because I felt so desperate. I’ve been sleeping with an ex boyfriend of mine for a year. He is married as well.

 

Yes!!!! 100%

 

But how can I fix it if I want to fix it.

 

I have lost hope.

 

No...

 

I guess I’m not explaining this well enough. That’s not it at all.

 

You cannot fix your BH. He just does not want to have sex.

 

You want to stay married?

 

Then tell him you are going to have an open marriage for the

both of you. Then date in front of him. That does not mean you have

your OM come to your house or even have your BH meet him.

 

Openly accept calls and texts in front of BH. Tell him I will be going

out on a date Friday night, don't wait for dinner and you do not have

to wait up for me to get home. If there is a real emergency text me.

 

What will happen is your BH will accept this, divorce you, fell threatened

and he will start having sex with you.

 

If BH divorces you will be able to find a new husband that will want to

have sex with you.

 

And, your current OM. Dump him. You want to do the right thing

by everyone. Do not date married men. Unless you get permission

from their BW.

 

Oh speaking of BW's time for you to ask the OMW if it is ok for you to

keep having sex with her WH.

[Divod62]

Well in my opinion the OP is not responsible for other people's choices. Her H has made the decision to stay in a sexless marriage even though his W is not happy with it. The OM has made the decision to jeopardise his marriage by sleeping with another woman. The OM's wife has made the decision to ignore the signs of infidelity and to believe her lying husband for her own reasons. The OP has to think about her own life and her own happiness, together with her kid's happiness. The kid is happy having both his parents and doing things together. The OP is happy being in this family with good finances, offering everything to her kid and to her mother who needs her, and also having her sexual desires satisfied outside the marriage. I don't see a reason for people in here being so harsh with her. I think her kicking herself is enough punishment.

 

Agreed.

 

 

I think she would sleep a whole lot better at night if her "love interest" was not a horny and married father of three... but someone who truly loved her.

 

Safe and secure but cold husband, sexy and exciting MM, but there is no-one to give her real romantic love.

 

I agree this is what RoseGold18 is unhappy and unsatisfied about.

 

 

She doesn't want to tell her husband about her AP because she knows an open marriage only benefits her. She wishes her husband was the source for romance and intimacy, but he's not stepping up. She feels guilty with the situation she's put herself in, but she's also human and has wants and needs. She tried for 9 unsuccessful years to connect with her husband before caving to her physical needs, but she still lacks emotional fulfillment. She doesn't want to divorce because she values the home life and stability her marriage affords her son. She's in a quandary.

 

Moving forward from the status quo, I see one of two scenarios playing out if she’s to have any hope of happiness in the future:

 

1. She eventually finds an AP that she falls in love with, hopefully not a married one.

2. She coaxes her husband to be more intimate with her.

 

Number two sounds impossible after her many failed attempts:

 

I’ve tried outfits, lingerie. Didn’t work... he wasn’t interested because he thought I was going to put on my nurses outfit and his mother is a nurse. I have/had many outfits because my ex was into it. I wasn’t going to put on my nurses outfit but he didn’t communicate with me and I just thought he didn’t like lingerie because he said that was for the movies or something like that.

 

I tried little cute outfits to just wear around him. Short skirts cute tops with my big boobs. I used to be a size 3. He didn’t really get excited. We would literally sit down and watch a movie on opposite sides of the couch when we first started dating.

 

I tried taking to him about it gently at first like do you like me? Are you okay? What’s wrong? We talked about it a lot but things never really improved. We would have sex more often in the beginning but it was never mind blowing and I knew it was because he was inexperienced.

 

I am not inexperienced so I would go down on him and try to make it more exciting for him but even back then he always had an issue with ejaculating. We never used condoms because I’ve always been on the pill and he just wouldn’t ejaculate most of the time.

 

She’s obviously frustrated that none of this has worked to her satisfaction. However, I don’t think she should give up hope.

 

 

if the op's husband is autistic, that doesn't mean he has no feelings. What it means is he may have trouble expressing them verbally, It also means that he may be highly empathetic, just as a lot of autistics are.

 

 

RoseGold18, I think this is what you need to work on to be successful with connecting with your husband:

 

He has said before that I make sex feel like a chore and he would get so mad at himself about his performance that me no longer expecting sex or asking for it I think puts less pressure on him and he prefers that.

 

How affectionate is your husband towards your son? Does he hug and kiss him? Hold his hand? When he dated you before marriage, how did he display affection towards you? What did he do that made you feel he was marriage material, besides the fact that he wasn’t only interested in sex? How did he propose? Was he affectionate during your honeymoon? Do you share some of his interests, such as video games? What other activities can you do with him?

 

I would try being affectionate towards him without expecting anything in return. Just sit close to him on the couch, cuddle with him, touch him lovingly without trying to get in his pants, kiss him every time you come home or leave or whenever you feel like it. Talk to him in a kind and loving manner. You probably already do this, but let him see how you show affection towards your son on a daily basis. Never stop.

 

If you find yourself in a moment of intimate contact with him, be affectionate without being too pushy. Don’t ask any questions about what might be wrong or how he feels about you, just try to enjoy it as far as he’s willing to go. Be patient and understanding. If you get worked up, don’t be embarrassed to want to masturbate, but try to get him to help you without putting too much pressure. Have a light and happy attitude with no expectations. This will likely be a long process, but if you’re patient and motivated it may help him to open up to you. In the meantime you still have your AP when you really need to get your rocks off.

 

Best of luck to you.

[DKT3]

I dont buy for one second her reasoning for not wanting an open marriage.

 

The problem is, she at least in part the he is gay. If its true then the odds that if given the opportunity he would explore this side of himself which I think we can all agree would ultimately end in divorce. So all those post are somehow finding if selfless are deluding themselves. Every single thing she is doing is looking out for herself first.

[pepperbird]

op,

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I have seen nothing but very selfish behavior from you.

You knew what he was before you married yet you were selfish and wanted to marry him. You hoped held change, but he didn't. You kept pressuring him for sex, which you knew wasn't on his radar even before you got married.

 

 

Now you use his behavior as an excuse for your cheating? Come on, you;re a smart woman, you had to know this wouldn't work out. Someone who values physical contact and sex getting married to someone who has made it clear he does not value those, and you try and blame him for your behavior?

 

 

Look, I don't don't know why you got married to him in the first place, but it sure doesn't sound like love, commitment, caring, understanding or mutual affection were ever on your side. If they were, you wouldn't have ever married. You would have recognized you were incompatible and loved him enough to let him go before he got hurt.

 

it's pretty disingenuous now to complain that your husband is who he always has been knowing that you walked into the marriage, eyes wide open. What were you expecting from him anyway? You even went as far as to knowingly bring a child into this train wreck. Why?

 

Your "polyamory" solution to your problem is, quite frankly, nonsense. It's not going to change anything, as this goes deeper. You really resent him ( although you try and hide it) and blame him for your woes. You want him to change for you and claim it's because you love him and want him to love you.

 

Madam, that's aint love. That selfishness. You want him for security, financial assistance and other support. That is hardly "loving". In fact, you have shown him incredible levels of disrespect. If anything, the one who has been showing no love is you. You want him to show you love, but only on your terms.

 

I know all this sound harsh, but the answer to your problem won;t be found in pats on your head and cotton candy, fluffy advice. It's going to be tough. If you care about your husband and child at all, you will steel yourself and either end your marriage or be 100 honest with your husband. Otherwise, you are little more than a user,and I don't get the impression that's who you are at heart.

Edited August 19, 2019 by pepperbird

[Buffer]

Hi RG,

 

I take it from your nil response you haven’t or won’t communicate the questions of possible gay or Asexual with your husband?

 

So you can then maintain your cheating?

 

Please talk to him.

Edited August 20, 2019 by Buffer
Spelling

[LivingWaterPlease]

You've already destroyed your family. They just don't know it yet.

 

...you are simply being selfish.

 

Truth above.

[aliveagain]

Broken people shouldn't attempt to fix a broken marriage by themselves, get professional help. Leaving your husband for a broken O/M won't fix whats missing in your life. Everyone is still broken, like selling someone else your car with a broken transmission, it won't work any better for them because the transmission is still broken. Adding more men into your life won't fix anything ether, all it does is further dilute what is already bad. Your wasting all these years that you can't get back, stop it, wake up. Get the help you really need, find the best professional you can afford, your children are worth it and so is the rest of your life.

[Sam70]

RG18,

I found this forum and your thread because I am a man in your same situation. Mine has been going on longer but I completely understand how your MM fulfills that need and allows you to continue with your marriage and family life. I felt guilty early on but that has mostly passed. My life is now more complete. My partner in crime is also married and feels that our affair completes her as well. You deserve to be happy.

[oldtruck]

RG18,

I found this forum and your thread because I am a man in your same situation. Mine has been going on longer but I completely understand how your MM fulfills that need and allows you to continue with your marriage and family life. I felt guilty early on but that has mostly passed. My life is now more complete. My partner in crime is also married and feels that our affair completes her as well. You deserve to be happy.

 

 

Being everything is so good you share this with the both of your BS's

then see their responses.

[S2B]

RG18,

I found this forum and your thread because I am a man in your same situation. Mine has been going on longer but I completely understand how your MM fulfills that need and allows you to continue with your marriage and family life. I felt guilty early on but that has mostly passed. My life is now more complete. My partner in crime is also married and feels that our affair completes her as well. You deserve to be happy.

 

This is a very selfish and self righteous attitude. With that perspective it’s sad that you are married. Ever consider that your spouse may not be happy with you?

[Tristian]

As the OP hasn't been back in close to a month we'll shut this one down.