I don’t know how to stop.

[Buffer]

Yeah, not with the hubs.

 

I just don’t believe in marriage anymore and would be opened to other ideas or lifestyles.

 

Well there are allot of opinions, posts and discussions that offers for a way forward.

 

Yet you can’t seem to make a call.

 

If I may the most reasonable preferences are:

IC,

Communication with BS,

Divorce but you don’t want to be a single parent, and

You are supporting a family member as well.

 

Barriers for you to resolve to be truly happy with your life. Now let’s get started.

 

Get a good councillor first! They will be able to give you the tools to fully assist you in making and or communicating the way ahead.

 

Regardless of his responses, communicate with you husband, go online and join his online gaming community if you have to, but get him talking.

You say hubby is most likely Asexual or Gay, yet after years of this relationship you haven’t raised it enough to address or answer your concerns re his actions/lifestyle. Why?

You said ‘He is like a robot’, then communicate with the robot, punch information into it to get a result.

 

If he knows what you have been doing with both men, it may invoke some type of response that may resolve some of the above. At least he knows where his wife really is. Please remember STDs can be passed on through oral contact as well even a friendly kiss may pass a STI on to your husband.

 

If what he offers you relationship wise isn’t acceptable then A, remain in a sexless marriage, B, take up his offer of a open marriage or C, divorce. You have stated numerous time you love him but you are not in love with him, so it is his supporting nature you are remaining for.

 

Just because you don’t want to be a single parent, you cannot continue the way your life is going now! Set up a amicable relationship with custody of the little man, at 50/50. This will give you you time and the chance to seek a loving relationship for your self, also this will allow your BS to seek out a relationship that suits his lifestyle choice. That’s if a monogamous relationship is desirable for both parties.

 

Cut the financial support of the family member, if you cannot do it and maintain your lifestyle then something has to go.

 

I hope I haven’t simplified your issue, your well-being is all of our concerns, that’s why we respond. For your assistance and wellbeing.

 

Again good luck and take care of yourself and the little man.

Edited August 16, 2019 by Buffer
Woops

[RoseGold18]

This^^^^^^

 

 

Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post

What does make sense, because you have already cheated with at least two men is you fear your husband making another connection. It makes sense because your biggest fear is not having your husband around to pay the Bill's and watch the kid while you enjoy your sexual activities away from the home.

 

To be fair though...

 

#1 I make good money and I have a lot saved as well as a lot of equity in my house. It would be an adjustment but I could deal.

 

2. If all I want is for my husband to watch our kid so I could have my sexual adventures wouldn’t it make more sense to divorce and spilt custody 50/50. Then I could do whatever I wanted 50% of the time.

[DKT3]

The more you post, the less sense it all makes. Given what you said in the last post coupled with comments about not loving him and not believing in marriage, and it being a sham what are you doing? What's the point in any of this?

[RoseGold18]

The more you post, the less sense it all makes. Given what you said in the last post coupled with comments about not loving him and not believing in marriage, and it being a sham what are you doing? What's the point in any of this?

 

I guess logically I know I could deal with being on my own and I would be fine, but it’s still a fear of mine.

 

My son is difficult and I find parenting challenging. I like the idea of a normal family and my husband and I have made other couple friends from our sons preschool. We get together pretty frequently as a group and that dynamic would completely change if we spilt.

 

Another thing is my husband is from a country where divorce is illegal so his parents and his family just do not understand divorce at all, although ever since we’ve had our son they no longer like me so maybe that wouldn’t be as bad as I think.

 

I like the idea of marriage for the sake of my son I don’t want to be the one to spilt up my marriage and have my son go back and forth from house to house.

 

I am dependent on my husband for some things. Obviously not financially, not emotionally, but more of the labor of parenting and maintaining a household. Now of course, If we divorced I would move into a small condo that would make living and maintenance a lot more manageable for me as a single person.

 

I think it’s the fear of the unknown. The fear of what if my son prefers to stay with his father and he has more fun with him and doesn’t want to see me. What if I’m more miserable after we spilt because of the stress of being a single mom.

 

Then there is the situation of my mom. We do largely supplement her income. If it wasn’t for her and her situation it would be a lot easier. We pay for her cable, her cell phone, her electricity, and buy most of her groceries every month.

 

We put about $500 a month into a college fund for my son and I’m not willing to stop that at the moment because I want him to have opportunities that I didn’t have. We also pay $1,200 a month for preschool every month. That will stop in August/2020 so maybe then my options might change.

 

It’s not so much financial stability for myself as it is financial stability for my mom (who would be straight up homeless if it weren’t for me) but also the financial stability of my son.

 

My husband and for the most part function fine as roommates. We spilt a lot of bills and spilt a lot of duties. We also have a few family trips planned around doing fun things with our son.

 

My husband and I also have a large group of mutual friends given that the time met at work and we worked for a huge organization. On top of being together for 11 years we know all of each others close friends, etc...

 

I know people divorce every day. We have a ton of friends who have divorced. I realize this. But for me it’s been a difficult decision even though I know it seems so obvious.

 

I guess I stay because my husband is a good father and a good person. He loves our son so much and it would break his heart to only see him 50% of the time.

 

I came from a broken family. Not only that but I worked with families that were going through a divorce and some of the life changes have been difficult for the children. I don’t want that for my son, but I realize I don’t want this either.

Edited August 16, 2019 by RoseGold18

[elaine567]

I used to be happy.

At what point(s) in your life were you happy?

[El Duendecillo]

This is all so confusing.

 

You think your H is asexual or possibly gay, completely un-affectionate towards you. You've had two affairs in the past year. Your resentment against your H builds more and more each time you hookup with OM.

 

Yet, you're concerned with how your H will treat you, or what he will think about you if he finds out that you've put into practice the open marriage agreement?? My intention is not to be unduly harsh on you here, but your logic does not make sense to me.

 

Without the benefit of knowing your H's side of things, your logic only makes sense to me if I speculate that he is not as uncaring, and as clueless as you're making him out to be. In fact, I am wondering if you're projecting negatives on to him as a way of coping with profound guilt over your affairs??

 

The telling part for me, is that you are wanting to save your family. That presumably includes remaining married to your H. If he is as bad as you've described, you would have left long ago IMO. My guess is that you are afraid that he will be devastated to learn of your affairs, and that you care more about him than you are admitting here.

[Turning point]

It would help if you stop referring to happiness as something you need to look for. It's simply a part of yourself you actualize by practicing gratitude.

[BaileyB]

I’m the words of the immortal Rolling Stones, you can’t always get what you want... At some point, you are going to have to come to terms with this and make your decisions accordingly.

 

You can wish it was different all you want, but the reality is your life is a hot mess right now. And someday, you are going to have to make some hard decisions and fix it.

 

Or don’t. You can continue to live in this prison of your own making for as long as you can stand it... Its entirely your decision.

Edited August 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

good god, this thread is so full of misinformation.

 

 

First off, being autistic doesn't mean you have no feelings. It's a disorder of communication. if the op's husband is autistic, that doesn't mean he has no feelings. What it means is he may have trouble expressing them verbally, It also means that he may be highly empathetic, just as a lot of autistics are.

 

second, if her husband is asexual, that densest mean he can't also be interested in romance, cuddling, etc.

 

What I see in the op's situation is a woman who has become accustomed to a certain income and lifestyle. That comes with a price tag, which means accepting her husband as he is. She doesn't want to do that. she wants to have the sex and ego kibbles, but she also wants the safety and security of her husband waiting and home while she sleeps with other men.

 

It's not because she's desperate or doesn't realize what she's doing. She has coldly done a cost benefit analysis of her situation, and has decided that lying to her husband and engaging in behavior that could even her marriage on really bad terms is a fair price to pay. The thing is, she won't be the one paying the highest price. It will be her husband and child.

 

Op, I can understand why you feel the way you do, however, I really think you are handling it in a really dysfunctional way. All the excuses of your childhood etc. don't change that. If you have issues, deal with them. get therapy or do what you need to do but don't drag two others, pus the families of the MM you are sleeping with, along with you. Set them free and then do the work you need to do to be a healthier, happier person. Stop using others as excuses for the choices you make.

[pepperbird]

So what does this MM really think of me?

 

 

 

Who cares! If we are to believe the narrative that your husband has forced you to cheat because he isn't sexual enough for you and you are only cheating because you need the validation sex provides, then who gives flying fig what he thinks of you?

 

You asking this question shows that your behavior really has little to do with your husband. I suspect that, even if you were married to a man who was chasing you for sex all day long you would still be unhappy. That's because the source of your unhappiness is in you. It's internal, and until you face that, you spend the rest of your life chasing something that's not really there.

[notbroken]

Rosegold - you ask what the MM thinks of you. It doesn't matter. What do you think of yourself? That's what matters.

 

This affair is destroying you, your husband, and your kid. Stop it. Either accept your 'nonsexual' husband and live with it (seems you can't) while trying to improve the situation or divorce and be the best you that you can be. Yes, your standard of living will go down. So what. You can be happy with less money. Sounds like you can't be happy with less intimacy.

 

The posters are right. Your unhappiness is within. Start there. No matter what, stop having affairs. There is absolutely no happiness there except a very short time (and lots of pain).

[SummerDreams]

Well in my opinion the OP is not responsible for other people's choices. Her H has made the decision to stay in a sexless marriage even though his W is not happy with it. The OM has made the decision to jeopardise his marriage by sleeping with another woman. The OM's wife has made the decision to ignore the signs of infidelity and to believe her lying husband for her own reasons. The OP has to think about her own life and her own happiness, together with her kid's happiness. The kid is happy having both his parents and doing things together. The OP is happy being in this family with good finances, offering everything to her kid and to her mother who needs her, and also having her sexual desires satisfied outside the marriage. I don't see a reason for people in here being so harsh with her. I think her kicking herself is enoigh punishment. I would advise you OP to stop being this harsh to yourself. Everyone cares for themselves more or less in life. Would it be better if you could divorce and find a single man to be happy? Sure. But given the circumstances and knowing that so many people in the world cheat, I find it hypocritical to be harsh to this lady who already has enough guilt. At least she has a good reason to look for sex outside her marriage. OP please stop being so miserable, there are worse things in life than what you are doing. All this guilt and bad feelings you have in you will become an illness if you don't take it easy. Your kid needs you to be happy. Yeah it's not the perfect situation, but honestly, what situation is perfect? Best wishes.

[mark clemson]

But she's indicated multiple times that she's NOT happy and that MM's great sex makes her feel like a whore, etc. No doubt she feels significant anxiety over the risks she's taking with her marriage/baseline lifestyle.

 

She has found a way to have her NEEDS met. But having your needs met != happiness.

[BaileyB]

She hasn’t even really found a way to have her needs met... she continues to post because she is miserable.

 

And yes, each person has the right to search for their own “happiness” - but not at the expense of other people. It can be argued that her “happiness” is coming at the expense of her husband, her son, the MM wife and children, and her own mental health.

 

And finally... as has been said, searching for happiness is the equivalent of chasing rainbows. Just when you think you have arrived... No doubt, this woman could get with MM only to discover that “happiness” isn’t found with him - a man with an angry ex-wife, unhappy kids, stressed out by the divorce, leaves his wet towels on the bathroom floor, doesn’t ever organize a “date-night” when they are an established couple, and finds another woman to take out for appetizers, drink with, and have sex because life at home with the OP and their four children is so stressful and not fun anymore. Happiness comes from within - not from a man or a relationship. If you are miserable when you are single, you will be miserable in a relationship. It’s like Dorothy said in the Wizard if Oz, “You have had it inside you all along, you just didn’t know it...”

[Mr. Lucky]

I believe that she is actually satisfied with her situation, outside of the guilt.

 

Guilt is just one element of the cost. There’s also anxiety and emptiness, which undermines the goal (sex in this case) even if you reach it.

 

Life isn’t easy, situations such as this are proof. As it often noted, be careful what you wish for - like the OP, you might be very surprised when it comes true...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Amethyst68]

Her H has made the decision to stay in a sexless marriage even though his W is not happy with it.

 

Thus would only make sense if you change it to say the H is staying despite the marriage being sexless, hemakes his choices to suit his priorities, it's up to OP to leave if she is unhappy.

 

Remember we are only hearing a highly subjective rendering of the relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if the husband is staying in the marriage because he doesn't want to split custody with sometime who admits they struggle with being a mother and finds their young son hard to handle. Parenting is only going to get harder as the child gets older. I wonder what his reaction would be if she offered him full custody?

[usa1ah]

But I don’t want to get a divorce and break up my family.

 

You already have.

[SummerDreams]

You already have.

No she hasn't. Her kid is happy in his family and seeing his parents together. This is the most important thing for a parent. Her H knew that if you are in a marriage, your spouse will ask for sex, may it be more or less, but it will be some of it. When you deny giving it and you don't care to address the problem and go to a doctor about it, then you can't be mad for the consequences.

 

The OP is unhappy because of the guilt she is feeling and not from her choices and some people even in here make her guilt bigger. Just like a gay person is not unhappy because they are gay but because of people treating them badly and not accepting them.

 

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and choices.

[DKT3]

When someone is having an affair, the kids suffer no matter the status of discovery. The unfaithful spouse is actually stealing time and effort away from the child to give to the AP. Very few will admit this, especially while actively pursuing the affair.

 

This idea that ones happiness trumps the need for those who depend on the person is ludicrous. Besides that, she isnt happy. Truth is more sex with her husband wont make her happy, it comes from within. She has alot of issues that are creating her unhappiness, her husband and their sexlife is simply the easiest target. Which is why she is still unhappy even with getting more and better sex.

[BaileyB]

The OP is unhappy because of the guilt she is feeling and not from her choices and some people even in here make her guilt bigger.

 

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and choices.

 

This doesn’t make sense to me. Does the guilt she is feeling not stem from the choices she is making?

 

If there is guilt there, it is literally because she has had to lie, cheat, and steal to find whatever “happiness” she has found. How is there any happiness to be found in that?

 

I would argue that what she is feeling is not so much guilt, as it is frustration, that she can’t get things to go her way... She is still very much trying to figure out how to have her cake and eat it too.

Edited August 17, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

I think she would sleep a whole lot better at night if her "love interest" was not a horny and married father of three... but someone who truly loved her.

 

Safe and secure but cold husband, sexy and exciting MM, but there is no-one to give her real romantic love.

[SummerDreams]

If I had to take pills and beg my husband to cum inside me 3 times in a month so he gets me pregnant, I would be unhappy as well. I find it terribly depressing.

[DKT3]

 

I would argue that what she is feeling is not so much guilt, as it is frustration, that she can’t get things to go her way... She is still very much trying to figure out how to have her cake and eat it too.

 

I'm a firm believer that unhappy people are really unhappy by choice. They chose to continue on the same path or make unhealthy decisions to alleviate their problems which usually creates more problems. That is where OP is.

 

Not debating the status of her marriage, since we are getting a very slanted view of what that actually is, having an affair, at best gives her 15 20 minutes of joy followed by days of worrying about discovery, worrying about MM, worrying about what who thinks of her.

[stillafool]

I agree DKT3. Op has options to get out of her situation but won't use them. Her husband has given her permission for an open marriage yet she'd rather sneak around behind his back and have sex. She is now saying she'd be open for a poly marriage but his attention would clearly be on the other wife and not her. You complain but don't want to make any moves to make your life better. Your husband is not going to change the way he feels about you or just start having sex with you. If you can accept that and do your thing without still pinning for love from your husband then stay married. If you can't then at least be honest with your husband about your affairs since he obviously doesn't care anyway; and live your life. If you can't live with either of those choices then get a divorce. What else can you do? I don't understand your thought of not telling your husband that you're having an affair, even though he's given you permission, because it will change the way he treats you. He already wants nothing to do with you so what about his behavior would change? I think you want to play the long suffering wife when it's not necessary.

[BaileyB]

If I had to take pills and beg my husband to cum inside me 3 times in a month so he gets me pregnant, I would be unhappy as well. I find it terribly depressing.

 

Any woman would...

 

Would you still decide to have a baby with this man? Or, would it cause you to pause and reconsider the marriage?

 

And, would that give you the right to then go out and cheat on your husband with multiple men?

 

There were plenty of opportunities to turn this ship around along the way... plenty of opportunities to make a different decision. The problem now becomes, OP now finds herself so far downstream, she can’t even begin to figure out how to get this ship back to port. To be very honest, it sounds like she doesn’t even want to at this point. She seems rather content to pull her oars in and enjoy the scenery right now...

Edited August 17, 2019 by BaileyB