athena3 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 (edited) Hi everyone, I've just found out that my husband of 12 years is having an affair with an old school flame. He's away for a few weeks at his parents' and I'm here with our kids. I've read through his private messages and he and she plan to meet during this time, and have crazy sex. They each are planning to divorce and then get together. I feel sick. It's nothing new that our marriage is on its last legs, but I thought we've been working on it. I want to send an anonymous message to the husband of his affair partner to let him know that she's going to meet another man. They have kids together. I have a small window to do this, because there is no way her husband will find out because she deletes her messages. And this is the only time she will meet my husband and the only time her husband can surprise them. Please can I have your thoughts on how ethical that action might be. Edited August 15, 2019 by athena3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Sorry to hear this. Definitely send the message, the husband deserves the know the truth. Imagine he was the one that found out about the affair, would you want him to tell you the truth? In the mean time start making plans for separation. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author athena3 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 ^Thanks Flame Aura I feel like grass. And I feel bad for their kids, the suffering they'll go through. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Hugs, athena3. There is nothing unethical about alerting someone, in a kind and sensitive way, to the fact that their life is about to be blown apart, without their prior knowledge or being given the chance to repair any causes. The downside is that, potentially, her husband is well aware of problems in his marriage, and doesn't care that much. Wishing you and your children the best possible outcomes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 It would be a good time to visit an Atty for some legal guidance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author athena3 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 Hugs, athena3. Thank you The downside is that, potentially, her husband is well aware of problems in his marriage, and doesn't care that much. I think he's starting to be aware that there is a problem, but not suspecting an affair yet. She said in her messages that he's finding it difficult that she's withdrawing physically from him. She's also very cautious and always deletes messages. Yes the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that warning the husband is the right thing to do. Thank you very much, everyone, for your advice and kind words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I would let him know what is going on. I wouldn’t give out their location unless you want a possible fight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Why have you not told your husband what you know? Back up all the messages so he can’t delete them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Morning, He is such a pig. Why do you need to ask, send the flames Husband a message with the screen shots NOW. Then send the same message with screen shots as well as a photo of you and the children to your Husband, the intended partner as well as his parents. In the same message tell him to get home now! When he comes home, have the locks changes and one bag at the front door. After a week of NC then start communication with him. He is in a EA now, hopefully if you send the messages today it shouldn’t go to a PA. Hugs and good luck I hope you get the outcome you want. Big cyber hugs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 I agree that if you're going to do this don't give the physical location. There is a small, but real, risk of violence, particularly if both men are at the same location with the WW there. There is also a small risk he will become violent with the WW regardless. However, given the apparent enthusiasm with which she's approaching this, it does seem likely a dday is in their future sooner or later anyhow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 ^Thanks Flame Aura I feel like grass. And I feel bad for their kids, the suffering they'll go through. Then why make them go through it is my question? What I think you should do is to go see a lawyer while he's away and find out what your rights and obligations are as a separated woman and when he comes back, read him his rights. Leave the other husband out of your plans. Its not your story to tell and if you break them up, then your husband and his wife will both be free to be with one another thanks to you giving them the push to do so. More times than not, married people don't leave their husband/wife. They just keep telling each other they are going to but they don't. Read some of the stories in the "Other man/woman" sub forum and you'll read it over and over again. Should you tell your husband what you found out, would you forgive him or will you leave him? How do you know that the other woman deletes her messages? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 I think either decision is valid. Choose on the basis of what promotes your own long term goals: You and the kids - this is how you measure your success. Don't do it thinking you have power to stop the encounter. D-day is going to add a "you and me against the world" backdrop. They will circle back eventually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 I would tell him because as a BS myself, I am a firm believer that BS have every right to know what's going on so they can take legal and medical steps to protect themselves from both their WS and OW/OM. Before you release the news though, I would take as many screenshots and other copies of evidence that I can. Once that's done, my next stop would be a lawyer's office. Find out where you stand and gather as much information as you can. That will help to prevent you second guessing yourself later. Once you are ready, send the info to her husband. Don't send it to his email or anything else she may have access to. Send it registered letter, directly to him. Let the courier know it is ONLY to go to him and to her, If you feel she will intervene, send it to his office or somewhere else where only he will see it. Then be ready for the chips to fall. Take a deep breath, steel yourself and make the leap. You'll survive. We all survive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author athena3 Posted August 16, 2019 Author Share Posted August 16, 2019 Hi everyone, I'm sorry for not having time to reply. On my own with the kids, and with it being the summer school break, I can only go on my laptop after 9pm. I'm so grateful for your support and your kind words. Someone mentioned I should read other threads to find my answers. I guess I am more after peer support right now, it's the human warmth I am after. I'm shaking, my heart is pounding, and I'm breathless as I'm reading through more messages. I know I should stop, I keep thinking "That's it, I've read enough. Enough hurtful things". But no I carry on reading them nevertheless. It's horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 Tell the other spouse and offer proof if he asks for it. He needs to protect himself and he needs to protect his children. Talk to a lawyer, find out your rights because according to their emails, he's leaving you and your children for this other woman. Once they both do the math as to what divorce will do to their lifestyle, running off together may be more of an adventure then they are willing to take. My guess is that once you out them your husband will be begging you for a second chance. Talk to a lawyer and ask them about a post nuptial agreement that gives you primary care and control of your children and the majority of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. How else can you feel safe with someone who doesn't honour their vows? You are strongest at the time of confrontation so have your ducks in a row and your requirements for staying married to him ready such as: independent counselling so he finds out why he allowed himself the right to cheat, no contact with his affair partner, agreeing to a post nuptial agreement because you no longer have trust in him, absolute transparency and all passwords to all his devices. Second chances are earned and should never be expected. Move his sh*t to another room until you decide what it is you want. Do not wait for someone who makes really bad decisions to decide the future of you and your children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 That's the tragedy of modern technology - that you get to watch things like this in real time. You do have to stop reading and following this soap opera if you want to maintain your sanity. The people who recover best in these circumstances are the ones who have a vision of where they want to be 6 mos., 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, etc. down the road. You can set very specific milestones for what reconciliation should look like if you choose that path, and still have an exit strategy should those milestones not be met. Taking note of your financials and asserts and talking to a lawyer doesn't require commitment to act right way. You will however be better informed about the process and have a check point regarding your family's financials should anything start to get underhanded. In a nutshell... be informed, be prepared. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 How long has the affair been going on? How did you find out? Did you not have any signs that something was up? Does the OW live in the same town? Who is she? A coworker or just a random person? And most importantly, are you willing to forgive him if he wants to stay or divorce is the only option? Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 How long has the affair been going on? How did you find out? Did you not have any signs that something was up? Does the OW live in the same town? Who is she? A coworker or just a random person? And most importantly, are you willing to forgive him if he wants to stay or divorce is the only option? OP's first post answers most if not of those questions. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 OP's first post answers most if not of those questions. No it doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Be aware that he may well be draining your family's coffers buying gifts and spending money to see his ow. He may even be using it to book hotel rooms. Check all financial records and make copies. Don't let him piss away your family's future. The fact is his head is so full of fluff right ow you can't trust him and her? she won't care if your fmaily has to eat ramen noodles for the rest of the year, so long as she gets what she wants. This is just one of the reasons that the sooner an affair is exposed, the better. It also gives you a chance to be on the offenseive and not the defensive. Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Take care of yourself . Move money where only you can get to it. You may be forced to give some back but maybe not. There is a high probability, though illegal, he may clean out your accounts to keep you from hiring an attorney. Happens all the time. Talk to an attorney. See you f you can file at fault. Most attorneys will give a free consultation. He can use none of the attorneys you talk to. See your MD for help medically if you need to temporarily. If you’re having trouble eating get liquid drinks like Ensure etc. Exercise as much as possible. Exercises that take concentration help the best. The endorphins and other hormones released make you stronger and mentally healthier. Don’t be surprised if he has change of heart when caught out. Inform his parents and friends too. When things get real most men want to save their family. More than likely though they take the affair underground. Realistically, almost no one ends up regretting divorcing a cheater. Many come back that don’t and find their spouse is cheating again. Be strong, go at him like a bulldog and will never regret it. People that take the bull by the horns do great. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Nothing wrong with informing the spouse of the affair partner but you should not do it until you have a plan. If you hope to stop the affair and reconcile with your husband then bust it wide open. Don't just contact the affair partners spouse contact your spouse's family and your family. If it's an affair at work, check into the companies policy on fraternization between workers. Blow it sky high so he has no recourse, no refuge, and no safe haven but to come back to you or declare a divorce. File suit against his affair partner if legally allowed. It's not likely to amount to anything except to stick your thumb in her eye. Telling the affair partner is a powerful weapon so be prepared for the consequences. If you want a divorce you now know when they will meet. Call up a PI and have him get the goods on your husband and then file with extreme prejudice for everything. Then inform the affair partner so you can give him an extra kick in the ass. Look up the 180 to help you detach from your feelings. This affair is in it's late stages and only drastic measures will assure a positive outcome for you. Don't make a move without knowing what you want and having plan to get there. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 (edited) Remember if you bust everything apart and tell families then if you do reconcile later. you may find families are less forgiving. Your husband may end up as persona non grata to your family and friends forever, which may not make for a happy life... Informing work, fine get your husband sacked great. Don't moan when you and your kids have nothing to live on... Informing the BH, yes he deserves to know, but you do not know what you are dealing with here. Men tend not to like the men their wives are cheating on them with, violence can erupt... if he has a gun... Yes you want to react, but you need to think it all well through first... You need to secure your assets and have your ducks in a row first before you decide to blow anything up. Go see a lawyer. As soon as your husband realises you know, he will take everything underground, so keep your powder dry is my advice. Find out all you can before you alert him. You can't stop the affair, that is up to him and her, but you can make sure he doesn't clear out all your accounts leaving you penniless... Remember he is no longer your best friend and husband, he is a man in an affair and that man is capable of anything... Edited August 18, 2019 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Agree that it's wise to consider the possible long term consequences of short term actions. I did know a woman who, on a lawyer's advice no less, had her husband served with divorce papers at work. This got him canned and, yes, impacted his income for what she thought was going to be her spousal support. Duh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 Hi everyone... I'm so grateful for your support and your kind words. Someone mentioned I should read other threads to find my answers. I guess I am more after peer support right now, it's the human warmth I am after. I'm shaking, my heart is pounding, and I'm breathless as I'm reading through more messages. It's horrible. How are you? Have you been able to make a decision to your actions? Please remember none of this is your fault! It is all on him and his affair partner. You need to look after yourself and children first. There are a lot of well directed thoughts posted to assist you. Please which ever way you go do what you are comfortable with, but have a plan. What ever way you go it should be what is best for you. Look after yourself over the next few days, take the kids for a walk in the sunshine, drink heaps of water, talk about your feeling to your pet, they will not judge you (hope you have one). Just look after number 1. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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