NotCamelot Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 One of the quickest ways to stop an A is to pop that bubble they are living in. By sending the message to the H of the OW, it will stop it unless he really does not care. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 One of the quickest ways to stop an A is to pop that bubble they are living in. By sending the message to the H of the OW, it will stop it unless he really does not care. And then what? The OP will have her "happy" marriage again? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 True. Presumably she will have him crawling back to her begging for forgiveness and a second chance while she sorts out whether she wants to reconcile or divorce. Not a pretty picture. But - what is the "upside" to letting the A continue? I see none for her, just continued distress and humiliation. At least she puts a stop to all of that. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 As an affair partner I never considered telling his wife because of my culpability in the situation, feeling I had no basis for credibility with her (plus feeling sure she knew about his continued infidelities since that's why the were separated). I feel sure I would have felt the same if one of my xH's OW had told me about her affair with my xH. However, as the betrayed spouse I believe I would tell the other betrayed spouse because it's information they need to know and I had no part in creating the situation. It wouldn't have anything to do with trying to stop the affair because at that point it just wouldn't matter, it would be highly unlikely to make a difference to me at that point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 And then what? The OP will have her "happy" marriage again? Nope. The thing for most BS's is to put a stop to it. And the fallout will be whatever it is. Good or bad. But, what they are doing is wrong and both of the BS's are suffering. So, should the two cheaters be allowed to continue without exposure? Why not have the A come crashing down on them. It should. At least I think so. And, most importantly, the other BS deserves to know. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 should the two cheaters be allowed to continue without exposure? Why not have the A come crashing down on them. It should. At least I think so. The only thing an exposure will do is grow resentment towards his wife, since he is determined to divorce her either way. What needs to be done is collect all the evidence (photos, screenshots, phone calls list etc) and take them to a lawyer and find out her rights, file for divorce, change the locks and wait for him to come home and find out. If she reveals now, he will have the opportunity to hide the evidence and she will have problems with custody and custody money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 The only thing an exposure will do is grow resentment towards his wife, since he is determined to divorce her either way. What needs to be done is collect all the evidence (photos, screenshots, phone calls list etc) and take them to a lawyer and find out her rights, file for divorce, change the locks and wait for him to come home and find out. If she reveals now, he will have the opportunity to hide the evidence and she will have problems with custody and custody money. Your advice about seeing a lawyer is spot on and definitely should be one of the OP's first moves. Arming herself with knowledge is so important. So is surrounding herself with support from good friends and family. It many places, it is not legal for a spouse to kick the other one out of the marital home, change locks, etc. The lawyer can advise on this. Crappy as hubby's behvaior may be, it is still his marital home too. OP, I know it may feel frightening and even overwhelming, but trust us "old codgers" who have experienced cheating ourselves. You'll get through this. The world is still a great place Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 The only thing an exposure will do is grow resentment towards his wife, since he is determined to divorce her either way. What needs to be done is collect all the evidence (photos, screenshots, phone calls list etc) and take them to a lawyer and find out her rights, file for divorce, change the locks and wait for him to come home and find out. If she reveals now, he will have the opportunity to hide the evidence and she will have problems with custody and custody money. I would advise to NOT change the locks until after consulting with an attorney. In some states, that can get you into trouble. It really all depends on what the OP would like to happen. If there is hope for R, then exposure would be my advise. But, in the least, the other BS should know and be allowed to make a life choice based upon the truth instead of being kept in the dark. Of course, it may already be known on the other side, but I doubt it based upon the first post. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 The OP has stated she is from Europe (regarding the locks' change). Link to post Share on other sites
Damia Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 Hi everyone, I've just found out that my husband of 12 years is having an affair with an old school flame. He's away for a few weeks at his parents' and I'm here with our kids. I've read through his private messages and he and she plan to meet during this time, and have crazy sex. They each are planning to divorce and then get together. I feel sick. It's nothing new that our marriage is on its last legs, but I thought we've been working on it. I want to send an anonymous message to the husband of his affair partner to let him know that she's going to meet another man. They have kids together. I have a small window to do this, because there is no way her husband will find out because she deletes her messages. And this is the only time she will meet my husband and the only time her husband can surprise them. Please can I have your thoughts on how ethical that action might be. Interested to hear how things are going for you athena3. Have you alerted the other husband to the possibility of sh#% going down? Have you started to take action to protect yourself and your children? Having been through this mind fu%# of a situation I’m wishing you all the best. A helpful website is chumplady.com for good advice Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 As the OP has not returned to update we'll close this one and give them an opportunity to catch up. If the OP would like to request this thread reopened they can do so by sending an ALERT on this post. Link to post Share on other sites
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