She broke up with me, so heartbroken. What do I do?

[BlueV12]

Hi guys, I just joined this forum to share my story and get some perspective on my situation.

 

I am 31 years old, my ex gf V is 28.

 

First things first, I have a very controlling parents who have always tried to interfere in my personal matters and other matters, usually with threat of their wealth. My mother and I have had few arguments in the past about my romantic relationships.

 

I met this girl online near 2 years ago. We immediately hit it off and we became bf/gf really quickly. She asked me if my parents knew about her and approved, and I lied and said yes. I didn't want to deal with my parents' inevitable backlash just then.

 

It was great. We loved each other deeply and it just clicked. There have been some arguments, such as me trying to be too controlling of her (for example telling her what I preferred to see her wear, what I wanted to try in bed but she didn't like, etc). But overall, it was amazing.

 

About 8 months ago, I lost my job and my family and I decided that I should move in to my parents' home to save money. So I moved across the country to move in to my parents' home. My gf and I decided this was for the best and we promised to Skype and call everyday.

 

I was unable to find a job, so I decided to go back to grad school. I got accepted and will be starting school in a week.

 

I told my parents about my gf V, and they unsurprisingly flipped out. They said it was not the time for me to be dating right now. I had failed in my career, and right now I should be focused 100 percent on school and getting back to my feet.

 

They also didn't approve that V was a college dropout, cigarette and weed smoking, part-time minimum wage worker. They said "she was trash and not good enough for me."

 

My parents and I erupted in huge fights several times over her. I believed having her as my partner would actually help me do well in school, someone I could learn on and depend on, but they disagreed.

 

I will be moving out into a new apartment near the school. V wanted to move in with me into the new apartment with me. My parents would have none of it. They wanted her to have a career first.

 

When V heard about all this, she was extremely angered at the way she had been treated. She felt like I lied to her and kept her in the dark, and that I and my parents were trying to control her. She had always thought once I started school this month, she would move in with me and start out lives together.

 

I told her if she couldn't move to a different apartment near me, she could wait 1 year while I focus on school then she could move in with me. She would have none of it, that it was an insult to her.

 

She told me she felt so betrayed by all my lies and said she needed a clean break for now. I begged and pleaded and apologized and promised to change. I tried everything. But she said after thinking about this, and talking to her therapist and parents, she really needed a break up at this point.

 

She said she loved me deeply but she was just too hurt right now.

 

She needed time to heal, find herself, and figure her life out. She neither ruled out or in about our relationship in the future. She told me she just didn't know what the future held at this point. She told me all she knew was she needed a clean break to heal herself.

 

I agreed, and told her to call me again once she was ready again, that I will always be waiting.

 

 

I am so heartbroken right now. So full of rage at my parents for breaking up the one girl who I loved more than anything.

 

What do I do now? Do I cut off all contact until she reaches out to me again? Will I ever get her back?

 

Please help me.

[d0nnivain]

As the song says: every form of refuge has a price.

 

Your parents' price for their money is their rules. If you want out from under the rules you have to fully independent. You take their money. You have to accept their rules.

 

If you want your GF back, find a way to support yourself & then you can do what you want.

 

When I graduated from grad school my parents offered to support me but like yours that support came with veto power on my life. I said no thanks. I got a job, moved into an apartment with a male roommate (they did not approve) and supported myself. Since I was self sufficient their opinions no longer mattered. After about 1.5 years of not talking, my parents finally caved & decided maybe I did have the ability to run my own life.

[Flame Aura]

OP, this is all your own doing and all your own fault, don't blame your parents, you are the one who has made mistakes.

 

 

Why would you lie to her about your parents knowing about her? That's such a big lie, she should have broken up with you as soon as she found out you lied.

 

 

You decided to move back to your parents, nobody forced you. If you live in their house then it's their rules. If you are moving into a new apartment, I'm assuming you are paying for it? If so then it's none of your parent's business who lives there with you. If they are paying for it well... maybe you should grow up and not always rely on them for everything.

 

 

Then you tell her to wait 1 year to move in with you? I mean really? That's so insulting and rude from you.

 

 

No wonder she left you... and she made a good choice. You need to sort your priorities out.

[BlueV12]

OP, this is all your own doing and all your own fault, don't blame your parents, you are the one who has made mistakes.

 

 

Why would you lie to her about your parents knowing about her? That's such a big lie, she should have broken up with you as soon as she found out you lied.

 

 

You decided to move back to your parents, nobody forced you. If you live in their house then it's their rules. If you are moving into a new apartment, I'm assuming you are paying for it? If so then it's none of your parent's business who lives there with you. If they are paying for it well... maybe you should grow up and not always rely on them for everything.

 

 

Then you tell her to wait 1 year to move in with you? I mean really? That's so insulting and rude from you.

 

 

No wonder she left you... and she made a good choice. You need to sort your priorities out.

 

 

Yeah I know. I messed up big time. Not a day goes by where I wish I could go back in time and fix my mistakes. I feel like real scum.

 

I know for 100 percent though that I will never make the same errors again. I made a promise to myself to never lie to her again, and always to respect her and what she wants.

 

Yes I am paying for apartment and schooling out of my own money.

 

I am just so heartbroken and wish I can be given a second chance to prove myself to her.

 

I am so lost and depressed I don't know what to do.

[spiderowl]

Lying to your girlfriend is not a good foundation for a relationship. I can see why you did it but you must have realised the truth would come out eventually.

 

I am sorry you are facing this situation. It is painful whatever happened. Try to learn from it rather than see it as a rejection.

 

If your parents are helping you out financially, then it is difficult and to a certain extent you have to live by their rules. Going back to college seems a good idea if you can't get a job without doing so, but it looks like the penalty is harsh.

 

I think what struck me about what you have said is that your girlfriend has said (more than once) that you were controlling. Looking at this from her point of view, she felt pressured to do something she did not want to do. One thing you could learn from this is to respect how other people feel. If she says she does not like something or does not feel comfortable with something, then you ignore that at your peril.

 

She needs a break now because she wants to separate out what was you, your family and what is her, to see if the relationship was good for her or not. You could keep in touch in a polite and kind way, occasionally, but take care not to do this more than once a week. I would not hang around hoping for this relationship to pick up again though. It sounds like she wanted out, in the short term at least.

 

Posters will advise you to go 'no contact'. You would suffer 'withdrawal' symptoms at first, but this would gradually improve. It helps you to cope without feelings being constantly stirred up by contact.

 

Your parents have gone too far, judging your girlfriend and insisting on how you should be with her. They have their reasons, but it sounds like your ex was good for you and respected herself and her own feelings. You can learn from someone like that.

 

For the moment, look after yourself and forget about her as best you can. You need to focus on your studies and making a new social circle to help you through this.

[preraph]

Well, now we know where you got the "controlling" from. You either get your school done and stand up to your parents and live your own life or you don't. But sounds like it would have imploded due to your controlling at some point anyway.

[BlueV12]

Posters will advise you to go 'no contact'. You would suffer 'withdrawal' symptoms at first, but this would gradually improve. It helps you to cope without feelings being constantly stirred up by contact.

 

Your parents have gone too far, judging your girlfriend and insisting on how you should be with her. They have their reasons, but it sounds like your ex was good for you and respected herself and her own feelings. You can learn from someone like that.

 

For the moment, look after yourself and forget about her as best you can. You need to focus on your studies and making a new social circle to help you through this.

 

 

Do you think it would be a better idea to just cut off all contact cold turkey, and then hope she will reach out to me in the future after she has healed? I told her I will always wait for her.

 

Or do you think she will move on for good?

 

I would do anything at this point to get her back.

Edited August 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Foxhall]

It might work out for the two of you yet,

 

its good for her to find this time to heal or discover herself, if you do eventually get back together then she will likely have matured as a person which which will help the relationship long term,

 

also yourself, get working on getting by without her and putting in a good year, this will boost your own confidence and make you a more solid option for her.

 

you may both be better positioned for a relationship after some soul searching although it may not seem like that now.

 

reduce contact but keep in touch, check in every month/six weeks or so to see how shes doing.

[spiderowl]

I do not think chasing her at this point will help you. It just gives her chance to reject you and you don't want that. You need to let her miss you.

 

If you and she move in the same social circles, then demonstrate by your behaviour towards others how you are changing and growing. Do not bother her though or expect anything from her.

 

If someone has broken up with you, there is no point waiting for them. You need to assume the relationship is over. It is time to grieve and then to move on and find a different life without her. The future can be good and us 'oldies' know that it is still possible to fall in love with someone else and to do that several times during a lifetime.

[BlueV12]

It might work out for the two of you yet,

 

its good for her to find this time to heal or discover herself, if you do eventually get back together then she will likely have matured as a person which which will help the relationship long term,

 

also yourself, get working on getting by without her and putting in a good year, this will boost your own confidence and make you a more solid option for her.

 

you may both be better positioned for a relationship after some soul searching although it may not seem like that now.

 

reduce contact but keep in touch, check in every month/six weeks or so to see how shes doing.

 

 

Okay thank you for the advice. So do not cut off all contact and hope she reaches out to me first?

 

I should check in on her once a month or 6 weeks or so?

[Foxhall]

Yes I think that is a good way to approach it,

 

give her the space shes asked for but dont go completely off the radar.

[Mrin]

Wait. So your parents aren't paying for anything? And you still let them have this power over you? At 31? Dude. You've got bigger problems than. A lost GF. Grow the F up. Then maybe V or some other woman will give you a chance.

[preraph]

The problem is always going to be that instead of rebelling against your parents' control, you continued the cycle of control. You should move far enough away that it's hard for them to even see your life and be independent and become your own man away from their influence. How they are is not normal or reasonable, and you're taking after them and no one is going to put up with it.

[emeraldgreen]

She made the right move. She needs a man, not a mangina.

[BlueV12]

My friend who worked as a relationship coach before told me I should zero contact her until she reaches out to me first, because I had already told her I won't contact her until she felt ready.

 

I just don't know if falling out of her radar 100 % is the way to go.

 

What if she doesn't reach out to me even after months?

 

Do I contact her again in 6 weeks or just cut off everything until she texts me?

[fromheart]

Your private life is non of your parents business, if you are over 18. Though for me, it was 12.

 

Tell your parents that you love them, but you are not their possession. If they are lending/giving money to you, that doesn't mean they own your p#nis also. You are not a prostitute.

 

Don't hate your parents for this though. They're getting older and they just want you to be ok. Going about it the wrong way maybe, but their intention is pure. In a way, they were correct about your ex. Knocking on 30 and taking drugs with no career aspirations, isn't the ideal woman.

 

Your 31, you could sort your career out and get a healthy, ambitious woman in her mid 20's.

 

Your ex gf could have been less childish and more understanding. You have had a difficult situation, and tried your best to keep loved ones happy. Id leave her to her therapist, sounds like she needs one.

 

Be a little less of a pleaser my friend. People never appreciate it, as you've noticed. Don't tell girls your waiting for them, they'll disrespect you for it. Better to say that your not waiting as that would lack self respect, she can give you a call if she feels the way you do. And then never, ever reach out to her again.

Edited August 18, 2019 by fromheart

[BlueV12]

Your private life is non of your parents business, if you are over 18. Though for me, it was 12.

 

Tell your parents that you love them, but you are not their possession. If they are lending/giving money to you, that doesn't mean they own your p#nis also. You are not a prostitute.

 

Don't hate your parents for this though. They're getting older and they just want you to be ok. Going about it the wrong way maybe, but their intention is pure. In a way, they were correct about your ex. Knocking on 30 and taking drugs with no career aspirations, isn't the ideal woman.

 

Your 31, you could sort your career out and get a healthy, ambitious woman in her mid 20's.

 

Your ex gf could have been less childish and more understanding. You have had a difficult situation, and tried your best to keep loved ones happy. Id leave her to her therapist, sounds like she needs one.

 

Be a little less of a pleaser my friend. People never appreciate it, as you've noticed. Don't tell girls your waiting for them, they'll disrespect you for it. Better to say that your not waiting as that would lack self respect, she can give you a call if she feels the way you do. And then never, ever reach out to her again.

 

 

Thank you for your response.

 

Should I text her and say I've already starting getting interests from other women ( truth is school started and I've actually gotten interests from female classmates)? And that I'm not waiting for her?

 

Or do I continue the no contact?

[BlueV12]

So few updates.

 

I gave in a couple of times and broke NC. I know I shouldn't have, but I was literally going crazy alone with my own thoughts and what ifs.

 

 

We had the same argument, where she kept reiterating how I lied to her the whole time since we met in the beginning. And some things just cannot be fixed. She told me to go live my own life and that she is trying to start a new chapter of her life. I kept saying I miss her and I love her, but she said I shouldn't have lied to her if I knew how much this was going to hurt.

 

She told me now I know the pain she was going through the last few months.

She said by constantly contacting her, I wasn't helping my chances.

She said one thing she made clear was that she needed space and time to heal, and I was being the same manipulative guy only caring about myself and not respecting her wishes.

 

She was very angry the whole conversation.

 

I texted her again today morning, saying I acted the way I did because I was under the control of my helicopter parents, and that was the old me. Now that I have moved out and am independent, I am no longer under their control, and I will never lie to her again, because this is the real me.

 

She read my Whatsapp message but didn't reply.

 

Few hours later, she blocked me on Instagram, the only social media we share. She still has me open on Whatsapp however.

 

 

I have gone NC for real this time. After this incident, is it safe to say do not contact her ever again until she decides to do so first?

Or contact her again a couple months down the road?

[balletomane]

If you've gone NC for real, this means you do not contact her again. Not that you stop contact for a while, all the while thinking about when you can send your next message.

 

She has made it completely plain that she wants to end this. She has ended it. You do need to respect that.

 

I sympathize with your pain. My ex recently broke up with me as well. It really hurts. But we can't force people to want things they don't want. It's that simple.

[BlueV12]

If you've gone NC for real, this means you do not contact her again. Not that you stop contact for a while, all the while thinking about when you can send your next message.

 

She has made it completely plain that she wants to end this. She has ended it. You do need to respect that.

 

I sympathize with your pain. My ex recently broke up with me as well. It really hurts. But we can't force people to want things they don't want. It's that simple.

 

Thanks for your reply. Yeah it hurts so much. This is my first breakup ever with someone I love. It feels like someone ripped my heart out, ground it to a pulp, and put it back in my chest. Almost unbearable.

 

Reading my story, in your opinion, do you think I committed such a grave sin for her to end it like that without giving me a second chance? Despite my unending stream of apologies and promise to never lie again?

[balletomane]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. It's a horrible thing.

 

My ex gave very weak reasons for breaking up with me. They didn't make sense at all. But they don't need to make sense. The bottom line was that he felt unhappy and he didn't want to be with me any more. He doesn't owe me any reason other than, "I don't want this." So that's that. It's over.

 

It's the same in your case. Regardless of what you think of your ex's decision-making, regardless of what people on this forum think about it - she has made her choice. The lying was a serious enough issue for her that she doesn't want to give you a second chance.

 

The only way to feel better is to stop focusing on how to get her back and to start focusing on how to move on in your own life. Right now I spend a large part of my day feeling as if my heart has been put through a lemon squeezer, so I do get what you're feeling. My ex and I were good friends before we became a couple and I wish desperately that I could at least go back to that. But no one can unscramble a plate of scrambled eggs. What's done is done, and we just have to go forward as best we can.

[BlueV12]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. It's a horrible thing.

 

My ex gave very weak reasons for breaking up with me. They didn't make sense at all. But they don't need to make sense. The bottom line was that he felt unhappy and he didn't want to be with me any more. He doesn't owe me any reason other than, "I don't want this." So that's that. It's over.

 

It's the same in your case. Regardless of what you think of your ex's decision-making, regardless of what people on this forum think about it - she has made her choice. The lying was a serious enough issue for her that she doesn't want to give you a second chance.

 

The only way to feel better is to stop focusing on how to get her back and to start focusing on how to move on in your own life. Right now I spend a large part of my day feeling as if my heart has been put through a lemon squeezer, so I do get what you're feeling. My ex and I were good friends before we became a couple and I wish desperately that I could at least go back to that. But no one can unscramble a plate of scrambled eggs. What's done is done, and we just have to go forward as best we can.

 

 

My condolences. It's unbearable, I know.

 

I know that everything you just said is right, in my mind. It's just so hard to accept it in my heart. I know I have to do however.

 

I will do my best to move on. I don't know if this hole will ever heal, regardless if I find someone else or even if she comes back to me, I may carry this scar forever.

[assertives]

Thanks for your reply. Yeah it hurts so much. This is my first breakup ever with someone I love. It feels like someone ripped my heart out, ground it to a pulp, and put it back in my chest. Almost unbearable.

 

Reading my story, in your opinion, do you think I committed such a grave sin for her to end it like that without giving me a second chance? Despite my unending stream of apologies and promise to never lie again?

 

She has actually already given you all the reasons why she wants to break up, and it sounds like you are not really getting it. Your ex sounds like someone who has alot of self-respect and knows her value and knows what she wants or do not want in a relationship despite what you or your parents may think of her. From your posts, it sounds more than just the lying. There are other compounding factors at play.

 

1. Lying destroys trust, once trust is broken, it's very very hard to rebuild that. You'd always wonder if you were being lied to, wondering what if.. wondering what else did the other party lie about.. it's no way to live. It's not something that empty "promises and unending apologies" can build back. You'd need to earn back that trust, and if she's someone who doesn't trusts easily, it'll be doubly hard.

 

2. You and your family were disrespectful towards her. Your parents obviously doesn't think highy of her and if I were to hazard a guess, they think she's beneath you. Also the part where she said she felt you and your parents were controlling her regarding going back to college.. I'm not sure I understand. Did you actually moot that to her? So it wasn't just your parents wanted her to, but you told her to consider as well? If you were proud of her regardless of her social-ecomonic achievements, you should have shut that **** down when your parents brought it up. And then there's the moving in part. Instead of holding fast to your ground, you actually suggested that she waits a year before moving in with you. I mean if you did that because you felt this wasn't the right step in the relationship now, it's reasonable, but it's another thing altogether if you were suggesting it because you wanted to wait for your parents wrath to die down/this situation to blow over. You did not take a stand with your parents on this, and your suggestion to wait a year was actually rug-sweeping and bordering on being sly about it - kinda the same as what you did when you lied to her in the beginning. No wonder she felt insulted.

 

3. This is kinda the same as point 2 but another facet of it. You did not respect her wishes for space. She has told you she wanted space and not to contact her. But you did anyway, and you guys got into an argument where she told you again she wanted space and you did not respect that. And then YOU TEXT HER AGAIN AFTER THAT. Even after she blocked you from social media, you still haven't taken a hint and come on here and wondered how long you should wait to contact her again when everyone has told you to go NC.

 

I frankly think there's alot of compounding factors at play. They probably demonstrated to her how you have poor boundaries with your parents, your controlling and of course the lying which led to it being a deal breaker for her. I'd say focus on yourself now, and work on being better in your next relationship.

Edited August 24, 2019 by assertives

[Twizzlestick]

Sorry to hear you’re going through this mate,

 

I take a less severe opinion. Seems you got caught between the devil and the deep blue sea and backed the wrong horse. You have folks with Iron opinions and a controlling manner themselves. You’re undoing was rolling in with that and facilitating it, you became complicit and it all blurred into one big nasty for her.

 

I’ve actually been in her shoes with a partner who has folks who have too much to say. It doesn’t feel nice when your partner doesn’t stand your ground. She prob feels a little bit ganged up on to be honest. People need to feel safe and valued in their other half. Basically to know they would take a stand.

 

She sees you as defacto an extension of your folks and their opinions. It was all caused by you moving home, not identifying her as your gf to them and also passing their opinions of her backwards to her. Like you’re all one big criticising judgmental unit that looks down on her.

 

Moving forward, she’s made it clear for now. She’ll simmer down. People don’t stay furious for long. Anger is a very hard emotion to keep going and usually subsides. It’s all high emotion at the min.

 

In the meantime best thing you can do, for yourself actually is be your own man, away from your folks. If you stand on your own two feet, live apart form them and crack on you’ll feel better. So two birds one stone.

 

Can’t predict what the outcome will be but you stand the better chance that way. Don’t stay at home caught in that loop. She’ll always see you the same otherwise. You have to respect what she’s told you and leave her be.

[The Outlaw]

For now, don't do anything. Focus on getting a job, and a place of your own and AWAY from your parents. Ridiculous that she didn't meet their 'standards'. Give your GF her space.