Help Please

[Heartbroken]

I posted earlier and I still need more advice on what to do.

 

Here is the whole story. My b/f of nine months just broke up with me. I moved to New Jersey two months ago to live with him. We recently came back to MI. to see family and he broke up with me. He called me sunday when he was driving to the airport and we talked for an hour. He said that it was the fact that i lost my job and i started to become lazy and that just turned him off to me. So now he has these negative feelings about me stuck in his head. I asked him if we could talk and try to work things out but he said that he didn't know. He said that his feelings weren't there because of the whole laziness thing. He said that he cared about me so much and that he thought I was the one for him.

 

He called me last night and we again talked for an hour and now he thinks that he needs space and some time to think. I asked him about getting back together and working on the things that were bothering us but he still says that he is not sure. He said that he wanted me to go on with my life because he's really not sure if he wants to try and again.

 

But he did tell me that he was going to think about things really good before making any type of decision. MY feeling is that he doesn't want to get back together but I can't understand why he doesn't mention that I need to come out to new jersey and get my things. I would of thought that this would be the first thing he would want me to do. He also didn't ask for the house key back and we only have one so he doesn't even have one. What should I do? Should i have a little faith that he will have a change of heart? How long should I wait for him to call me?

[Tony T]

It sounds like it's over to me. Most of what he said were things to get him off the hook...and nothing he said offers much hope.

 

Whatever you do, STOP these talks with him, don't contact him, don't call him, don't email him...just cease contact. If he calls you, make your conversations brief and say nothing about getting back together.

 

What do you need with a guy who's got to take time off from you to think about exactly what he wants to do? To hell with that. I would hope you think enough of yourself that you would want a guy who is excited to be with you and doesn't have to take the time to think about it.

 

In my opinion, the guy's a real loser. You're hurting now and you don't see that. But you will in time.

[Laurynn]

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this painful time.

 

First off, something doesn't add up here. Seems like he purposely chose this time (when you're both away from home/visiting family) to break up with you. Wouldn't it have made more sense for him to have done it when you were both back home?....because now you have to make plans to go back there and get your belongings (or make arrangements to get them).

 

So, you'd lived together for 2 months in total....how long after moving in together did you lose your job? Had you been looking for another job after losing that one? Were you still able to pay your fair share of costs? (rent, groceries, utilities).

 

How had your relationship been otherwise? Did you sense at all, his unhappiness prior to this? Had this issue of 'laziness' ever come up before??

 

My guess is that he just didn't like living together.....that it didn't turn out to be what he thought it would and now he's giving you the shaft. Actually, I think this crap about him needing some time to 'think about things' is possibly his cowardly way of not having to come right out and be honest: that he's just not interested.

 

Not that this matters, but you mentioned that you were surprised that he hadn't asked for the housekey back, cuz you two only had one. You mean you both SHARED the same housekey? That seems sorta weird that you wouldn't have EACH had one.

 

L

[heartbroken]

Thanks so much for responding. First i'm still a little confused I'm not sure why he didn't tell me in NJ. He asked me what i was taking home and I said just clothes and he said yeah you'll be back. So that was really confusing.

 

I lost my job about a month after I moved out there. He was coming home for 3 weeks for surgery so i decided not to look for another job until after the surgery and we got back to new jersey. Yes I still had money to pay for my share of things.

 

Our relationship prior to this was wonderful we never aruged or anything. We always got along and spent all of our time together. We were really happy talking about buying a house and this and that. I do know that last sat. before we came home he went out with the neighbors and then he started to become a little distant toward me. but he was still caring to me. He did the ususal stuff.

 

I had the house key because he usually works later than i would and i would be home so i was always home and we never really did anything without each other.

 

I'm really confused because this was out of no where and i really think that he is scared to try again. because he said that what if the laziness doesn't stop. He said he was

 

going to really think about things and he would call me.

 

I have no idea what has changed or how to get him to try again with some communication.

[Laurynn]

This sure is strange. I feel badly for you, because as it appears, it really makes little sense, all of this.

 

This bit about "laziness"....I don't buy it. If you were still paying for your share of the bills, and your reason for not finding another job was due to his surgery/going home, I don't see anything "lazy" about you. To be honest with you, it simply sounds like he's making excuses.....and that's the best excuse he could come up with, albeit a very lame one.

 

My advice to you is this: To hell with him needing time to "think about what he wants".....you're a human being with a heart and feelings.....he can't just tell you "see ya, don't come back home, I don't want to live together any more but hold on, I have to think about it for a bit"...screw that. How is that fair to you? So HE has all the control in this situation? It all hinges on what HE wants? He sounds like a total jerk. A very insensitive one, at that.

 

So you went home with him, cuz he was having surgery (and would be there for 3 weeks), and he repays your loyalty and support by dumping your ass?

 

Girlfriend, you need to get yourself in the driver's seat here. I know you must be hurting a lot...confused, disappointed, shocked, in disbelief, trying to make sense of this all.....but look at it this way: if the guy is so "confused" after you went to the trouble of moving there to live with him, and now he's changed his mind (is confused) but still wants one foot in the door by telling you that he still have to "think about things", tell him to go pee up a rope and suck on the wet end. I mean it. You deserve much better treatment than that. Who the hell does he think he is?

 

And this crap about you being lazy......Hey, maybe if you'd been out of work for 3 months and just didn't "feel" like finding another job, then he might have a point......but as it stands now, the guy is a dingdong.

 

As hard as it's going to be, I think your best bet is to plan to get your stuff back and go about your life without him. He sounds like a dishonest, confused little boy who doesn't know thing one about relationships or how to treat someone.

 

Let me know how things go, okay?...or where things stand at present. Are you guys even talking now? What's going on NOW?

 

Laurynn

[heatbroken]

Hey thank you for replying

 

This is all really confusing to me. Especially because he didnt' do in NJ when he knew I was coming home. He acts like he doesn't even want to break up but since he did it he might as well go along with it.

 

It's just weird because i've never had a guy break up with me and want to talk well he finally opened up to me and told me what he was unhappy about.

 

I really do believe that he cares for me but he's going through a lot of stress right now. with the surgery, and his job is high stres and the fact that his parents never approved of us living together i bet was stressful on him.

 

I really think that he does need some time to think. I just don't know how to get him to realize that he needs to tell me his feelings before we break up not after.

 

well thanks again. I appreciate all the advice..