Unknowingly the OW

[Arikel]

I met MM a year ago on Tinder. We instantly had a really good connection, really unlike anything I've experienced before. He was upfront in telling me he's been married before and did not want to get married again.

 

I'm open to marriage, but it's not a priority.. for me, commitment is more important. We talked every day, travelled together.. we felt connected and were soulmates..

 

Due to the nature of his job, he shuttled between my country and his every few months.

 

While he is back, we still spoke for hours every day on the phone, but only when he was in his office.. but due to time zones.. it was understandable...

 

Then I found out.. he had a son. He managed to explain it that he co-parented the son, which is why he goes back so frequently.. he said his son lived with him when he was back in home. He had his own place.

 

Long story short, I recently found out he was married when his wife posted on a video on Facebook with him in it, specifically calling him 'hubby'.

 

After confronting him, he explained that they have been 'separated' for 4 years, ever since he started working here. They were married when she got accidentally pregnant. They live in the same house, but sleep in different bedrooms... they live their own lives etc etc ... but they stay together for the sake of their son. However, both their families do not know they are separated.. and they simply make excuses when the other does not attend family functions...the son does not know they're separated.. (???? His dad sleeps in a different bedroom from his mom?). He would never be in a relationship with me if he were still sleeping with his wife, etc etc the usual.

 

I was crushed at the time.. and accepted his explanation, saying we can try and see how things go.. but in my heart, I knew this would not last. However, I love him a lot. I've never met anyone I could talk to about anything, or who kept in such close contact daily. (Oh, but we've never said I love you to each other. That may also be my own fear of commitment/being hurt since he was away for so long, so early in the relationship)

 

After 2-3 weeks though, we had another argument, and he told me again that when he met, he made it clear this was his schedule, and that I wanted my own life too, and we have fun when we are together, and just do our own thing when we were apart. This is true. However, that was before I knew he was MARRIED.

 

I feel I should have read between the lines better instead of trusting him so.

I haven't spoken to him in 3 days, and I spent those days thinking very hard about what I want in my life. I want him. I truly do, but I never want to be someone's dirty little secret.

I've come up with some ridiculous scenarios and dreams.. but in the end, I know I can't go on with this. But I'm so tired of dating and trying to find someone who can match me.

 

In the end, its boiled down to this..

His family doesn't know he's separated

Her family doesn't (I don't think she realises either!)

His son doesn't ... (yeah, because I'm sure MM is sleeping with his wife)

He will never tell his family about me...

 

Yeah, I'm the OW.

 

So, I've sent him a text, and am just waiting for him to call me back to tell him we are done.

My heart keeps breaking and I keep wishing somehow that there's something I've missed or misunderstood and that everything will be ok. But that's impossible.

 

I feel I have such crap luck with love

Edited September 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request

[FMW]

Why are you waiting for HIM to tell YOU that you are done?

 

I know it's hard and it hurts, but unless you're ok to continue exactly as it is right now, there is no point in continuing a moment longer. If his circumstances change and he values you enough to come back and let you know, then you can reconsider.

 

You're only prolonging and deepening your pain by waiting around for him.

[Arikel]

Why are you waiting for HIM to tell YOU that you are done?

 

I know it's hard and it hurts, but unless you're ok to continue exactly as it is right now, there is no point in continuing a moment longer. If his circumstances change and he values you enough to come back and let you know, then you can reconsider.

 

You're only prolonging and deepening your pain by waiting around for him.

 

No, no, you misunderstood- I'm waiting for him to call me back so _I_ can tell him we are done

[MetallicHue]

I think you’re doing the right thing. I’m so sorry for your heart break. I think you will find other people you can connect with in the future. But things take time. I think the situation like you said doesn’t really work. I wish I had some sage advice for you outside of completely breaking contact and keeping it that way.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Sorry you were duped OP. Oh indeed he is still sleeping with his W and to further that, their families don't know they are 'separated'...because they are NOT separated. His W, regardless of her age, is living her life completely unaware that her husband is trolling for women on Tinder. Ugh.

 

Beware that when and if you tell him it's over, he won't just simply let you walk away. He'll sell you some (un)believable story of how he's moving out soon, they do not have sex, are just roommates, I'm there for the kid only, on and on. Just be patient and wait for me please. Don't fall for that. That response is in Chapter 6 of the MM handbook. Old as the hills.

[Arikel]

Sorry you were duped OP. Oh indeed he is still sleeping with his W and to further that, their families don't know they are 'separated'...because they are NOT separated. His W, regardless of her age, is living her life completely unaware that her husband is trolling for women on Tinder. Ugh.

 

Beware that when and if you tell him it's over, he won't just simply let you walk away. He'll sell you some (un)believable story of how he's moving out soon, they do not have sex, are just roommates, I'm there for the kid only, on and on. Just be patient and wait for me please. Don't fall for that. That response is in Chapter 6 of the MM handbook. Old as the hills.

 

Guess he read the handbook too.

It's hard being strong when your heart and head don't agree with each other

[mark clemson]

Hard as it may be, I think you're absolutely doing the right thing by walking away. Stay firm and don't let him reel you back in either.

 

Yes you should have read between the lines a bit better, but it's easy to be blinded by emotions and what's done is done. You will never find someone you can REALLY, FULLY have if you devote your time to chasing after this fiction. A fiction, by the way, that he created specifically just so that he could have a "road wife" for when he's out of his country.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you...

[Beendaredonedat]

It's hard being strong when your heart and head don't agree with each other

Well, I'm sorry that he hood winked you like he did. That's crappy to the nth degree.

 

Perhaps if you think on what a lying/cheating turd he is and how you'd NEVER be able to trust him should you actually form a committed relationship with him, rather than the times you were together romantically/carnally (how ever short those times were) your heart will catch up with your head?

 

He may have been up front about not wanting a relationship with you but he certainly wasn't about being married. His wife tagged him as "the hubby." People who are separated usually don't do such things.

 

Have you considered that perhaps you are somewhat scared of commitment if you continued on with someone that up front let you know he'd not be around much???

 

he made it clear this was his schedule, and that I wanted my own life too, and we have fun when we are together, and just do our own thing when we were apart. This is true. However, that was before I knew he was going back to his WIFE when he was away.

So if he was going back to have affairs with other woman other than his wife you would be okay with that? Did you ever talk of sexual exclusivity?

[BaileyB]

If the people in his life don’t know that he is separated...

he is not separated.

 

I’m sorry he got you. But, good on you for not falling into the “I really love him, maybe if I give it time he will decide to file for divorce...” trap.

 

Best to end it now, because you don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone who could do this...

[elaine567]

Due to the nature of his job...

He managed to put a lot of miles between one life and another...

[spiderowl]

He knowingly tricked you. He might be a charmer but he is a liar. Lying by omission is still lying when you know how much the truth matters.

 

I am sorry, OP. You are doing the right thing. This guy does not deserve you.

[Arikel]

 

Have you considered that perhaps you are somewhat scared of commitment if you continued on with someone that up front let you know he'd not be around much???

 

So if he was going back to have affairs with other woman other than his wife you would be okay with that? Did you ever talk of sexual exclusivity?

 

Well, that was the nature of the job, which I'm fine with, as I travel 50% of my time as well

 

As for exclusivity, ew yes of course ! He was supposed to be back there for work!

[S2B]

He’s a scum bag.

 

So many married men date while away from home.

 

He just didn’t think you’d find out!

 

You are definitely his secret!

 

IF he insists on keeping things going - make sure you have a video call with his wife - and have her show her id too - so he can’t pay a friend to pretend to be his wife.

 

I’ve had SO many married men try and date me - pretending to be single when they are obviously married! It’s everywhere!

 

You can’t trust him because he’s shady - so it’s already ruined.

 

Notify his wife. She deserves to know what a jerk she is with.

[Pinknyc]

Yes, he is not a good person. You cannot believe anything he has to say.

 

Arikel, my story is very similar to you. Read my previous post. Wasted 5 months on him. Had no idea he was married, gave me a fake name, didn't even pretend he was separated, and just said he was purely single, never married, and no kids. The truth? Married for over 20 years with an adult daughter.

 

The earlier you extract yourself from this situation and web of lies, the better off you will be. As difficult as the last 2 month of NC has been, you have to remain strong to STAY AWAY. Even after all that he has done, I still miss him and think of him every day. But you have to remain strong.

[Starswillshine]

My xH told a few of his short term OW that he was divorced. It is pretty typical of men who travel a lot for work. Especially if they visit the same areas over and over.