Weird incidents with an ex popping up after breaking up?

[Chcgo]

Anyone else have some slightly strange incidents with an ex popping up for whatever reason after a breakup? After a year, my ex and I ended on good terms 6 months ago, and she randomly popped up on my birthday, which is fine I guess, but it was just kind of odd how she went about it. I'll try to keep it a brief as possible, but some details and back story are obviously needed.

 

 

 

We met via a popular dating app in early Feb of 2018, her 31, me 37, hit it off pretty great, and things progressed in a pretty standard fashion between us. She was just looking for something super casual because she was 5 months out of a 9 year relationship with someone, and the last thing she wanted was to jump back into something serious. I think we ended up liking each other a lot more than we expected and started getting more involved. I know that the last year of her previous relationship, she was completely miserable, but kept putting off ending things.

 

Her only quirks I noticed, was that she seemed to get attached to me pretty quickly and could be a bit clingy at times. At our peak, we would see each other twice during the week, and on Saturday evenings, I would be at her place, we'd do whatever for the evening, I'd stay over, and we'd spend all day Sunday together until the eveking. There were a few time I'd go over Friday evening and we'd just spend the whole weekend together until Sunday evening. So, yeah, we were spending a pretty decent amount of time together.

 

Also, early on between us, she told me how she had been seeing a therapist for a while to better deal with some of her emotional issues. It wasn't something I ever asked her about in too much depth. All I know is that "feelings were gross" as she would say. She got better with it as things went on between us though.

 

All in all, we got along great, had a few minor tiffs, but nothing major. Took a few road trips together, along with typical "relationship" type stuff. A pretty normal situation for the most part.

 

I'm a working artist, and the last 3 months between us, I was getting way too consumed with some things I was working on, and we weren't spending nearly as much time together, and I know it was making her pretty sad. I knew what was happening, but it took me a minute to really step back and fully realize how it was affecting her. I think she was just being patient, waiting and hoping things would get back to normal.

 

We were supposed to spend NYE together with one of her friends and exchange our Xmas gifts, but I was really sick, so we waited until the first Saturday of the year. She came by, we did our thing, walked to a little dive bar near my apartment that she liked for a few drinks. It was there that I was starting to explain what was going on and to apologize for being neglectful the past few months and so on etc etc. Didn't get too far into the convo because it was pretty loud in the bar, so after an hour we went back to my place.

 

Got inside, and she started crying a little, saying how she just wanted things to be back to the way they had been over the spring and summer. I wanted to continue talking to her, but I think she was pretty upset and felt it best she leave. When she got home 40 mins later, she texts me saying that maybe we need to end things. Don't remember exactly what was said, but then she said maybe we can try again one day when our lives are a bit more in-sync. It wasn't something I took too literally, because we all know, during a break up, emotions and whatnot are all keyed up and sometimes you say things like that.

 

I don't think I handled the situation in the best manner, because it was a bit unexpected, and I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't reply. I figured if anything, I'd give it a few days or so for her to cool down, and I would get a hold of her to see if we could talk in person and try to resolve things.

 

She actually beat me to it. One week later, late that Saturday evening, she texts me saying that she had this "overwhelming urge to tell me that she misses me". I replied, we talked for a bit and she went to bed. We talked for a bit the next day, and she said that for now, maybe we should just view things as us just "seeing eachother" instead of jumping right back into a full on relationship. She also mentioned that she just didn't have the emotional capacity at the moment to express certain feelings towards me. Essentially no saying "I love you". I was fine with that, and over all, she seemed really happy that we were "together" again. If anything, we'd just work our way through the little bump in the road. She even brought up another possible end of summer road trip.

 

Over those next 2.5 weeks, we only saw each other 3 times. The last night I saw her was on a Saturday, and I was planning to see her that next weekend and start staying over again, and to get back to spending more time together...trying to get back up to speed with things. Friday came around and she kind of vanished on me after 2pm. Hadn't heard from her the rest of the evening, but I figured she was out with some of her friends. Even the rest of the weekend, we really didn't talk much until Sunday night. Once Monday came around, she told me I should come over this upcoming Saturday because it was her dogs birthday, and all 3 of us could walk to the pet store together and get her dog some treats, then I'd stay over. Of course I agreed.

 

We were talking a bit on Tuesday evening, and I told her that I was obviously still in love with her and she still meant the world to me, despite me getting a bit carried away with my work. I was trying to reassure her. Her respone was less than enthusiastic. Basically she said it was hard for her to feel the same since the last few months those feeling weren't being reciprocated by me and she didn't know if she was still in love with me anymore. We went on a bit and she said that maybe we could start looking into seeing other people while we could still continue what we had been doing. It wasn't something that I felt I'd be ok with, and after going back and forth on it, she finally confessed something to me.

 

During the week we were broken up, assuming that it was totally over and we'd most likely never see or speak to each other again and go our separate ways in life, she made a profile on another popular dating app. We both live in Chicago, and she connected with a guy who lives 35 miles away in the south suburbs. Anyone who knows Chicago traffic, knows it can take a minimum of an hour and 15 mins to go those 35 miles. Plus, where she is isn't exactly the easiest part of the city to get to from where he's at. So, who knows what his selling point was to her. And to inject a little humor into the situation, it's sort of an unspoken Chicago rule that you don't date anyone from the burbs if you live in the city. But, whatever, it's her choice.

 

I guess during the time we were back together, they had been talking a bit here and there. First via the app, and then some texting. And that Friday I mentioned where she kinda vanished on me. Yup, you guessed it...he came into the city and they met up for a date. In short, she wanted to continue seeing him from time to time, and still be able to have us see each other as well. I think her whole thing with him, was that they'd mainly just hang out once every couple weeks or when they had time. Go out, be social, and hook up. It wasn't something that had any potential of going beyond that and she wouldn't be going out by him. Just something super casual. If I wanted to peruse seeing another girl, I could as well. In short, it just wasn't something I was ok with. I felt if we couldn't resolve our issue and she just didn't feel the same about me/us any more, then it was best we just end things and go our separate ways.

 

That's what happened. We said our goodbyes and that was that.

 

I don't use Facebook, so our only ties via social media was Instagram. I cut those ties shortly after. In the last 6 months, life has gone on as normal, I've dated a couple girls here and there, nothing serious, but that's really it. I assume her and that guy continued seeing each other to some degree. As of this writing, I have no idea if it's still a thing between them, if she's dating someone else or if she's single.

 

So, 2 weeks ago, my birthday is on a Tuesday. I'm at work, a little after 8am, and I hear my phone go off. I look, and I see it's her and she's sent me a Direct Message on Instagram. I was pretty shocked to see it was her. Especially after this amount of time.

 

All it was, was a picture of me from this time last year. At the end of August, we took a trip to Oklahoma and Kansas. We were in our Air BnB goofing around and she snapped a few pics of me acting a fool. I replied saying that I couldn't believe she still had that picture and a laughing emoji. An hour goes by, and she sends another from that day. Still not saying anything. I just replied with another laughing emoji, sent that, then started typing a proper "thank you" message. This is what I said:

 

"I assume this is your way of wishing me a happy birthday, so thank you. Definitely a surprise to hear from you after all this time, and to be honest, I didn't think you'd be concerned about it at this point, so I do appreciate it."

 

In short, I never got a reply from her, and I come to find out, she ended up blocking me to prevent further communication. Not sure why that would be necessary. If she didn't want to engage in any conversation, that's fine. It wasn't like I was going to continue trying to talk to her. It's not something I'm reading into too much, but I'm still a bit perplexed by it. She's a pretty blunt and direct person, so even if she had other motives for contacting me, I think she would have just been up front about it. I just think it's a bit odd that she would go about it that way, and like I said, after all this time, why still be concerned with an exes birthday. Regardless of what's going on or not going on in her life romantically.

 

However, I do get it. Some people do indeed reach out after the fact to wish an ex a happy birthday, but it's not a very common thing. All my past relationships have ended on good terms, and I've never had an ex do something like that. It's not something I would do regardless of the time frame. Outside of just being nice or thoughtful, I just don't see the point, and what does that other person have to gain from it? Especially when you've moved on, you've dated other people or its been the same person, and just with all the general life stuff that happens in 6 month. Funny thing, is that her birthday was 1.5 months after we ended things. I didn't say anything to her. I thought about it for a brief second, but didn't see the point, and felt it just wasn't my place to do so anymore. Like I said...we ended things under the assumption that this was it. Done. Over. As how most relationships end and you move on. I mean, unless you have a reason to stay in touch, but that wasn't the case with us.

 

Ironically, a relationship I was in before this one, was 2 years. We ended on good terms, and her birthday did indeed come around 6 months after. By that point, I was seeing someone new, and moved on. The last thing I cared about was my ex, and by that time, I had no idea what was going on in her life, be it personally or romantically. Could you imagine how confused she'd be if I still had goofy pics of her and I was popping up on her Instagram sending them to her on her birthday? Even if I just said a simple HBD. I think she'd be scratching her head a bit. Not to mention, I'd feel pretty silly doing something like that.

 

I don't know...it just seemed a bit weird to me and really caught me off guard.

 

I'm just curious to hear what others think. I even told a co-worker who I'm close with, and even he thought it was super strange of her to do this.

[Flame Aura]

It's not really that weird or odd.

 

She remembered you on your birthday and wanted to reach out as she was thinking about your past time together, probably missing you as well. Once she got her mind together again and realised bringing back the past is not going to be any positive, just a negative, she blocked you.

 

My last ex sent me pics of me months after we had broken up. More than one girl before that, have sent me messages wishing me happy birthday, long after we had finished things.

[preraph]

Hard to say what's going on in her head. But her blocking you, I would imagine is for herself because she has some feelings and doesn't want to grapple with the relationship again. You should probably do the same. It does seem a shame the way things ended, and from your end, it seems like an overreaction on her part to a temporary interruption while you were consumed with your work. But don't know what's going on on her end. You did say she was somewhat clingy, so maybe she simply doesn't think it's a fit if the other person doesn't totally incorporate her into their everyday life. I'm not saying she's right or wrong, but I'm sure there are people like that. And frankly, anything leading to marriage, both parties have to be able to do that. I'm not that person.

 

So she moved on and had some success at it and kept going, it sounds like. But that doesn't mean she doesn't have a soft "what if" spot for you and wished you'd both been more on the same page. Neither of you really did anything wrong. I mean, everyone has to make time for work. Sounds like you being an artist probably really immerse yourself and she doesn't understand artistic types. I do. But it can be inconvenient at times, I'm sure you'd agree.

 

I don't think it's odd she reached out on your birthday. Maybe she just wanted you to have those photos. But I do think it was wrong to then cut you off where you couldn't have any back-and-forth. Kind of, again, some sort of overreaction, probably to do with her own instability and trying to cope with whatever her issues are.

 

If you don't want to get jacked up randomly by her or at the point you have truly moved on and aren't interested, block her. But if you want to leave the door open, I guess that's what you do.

[Chcgo]

Maybe I'm just not as sentimental as some people are. And the fact that it's never happened before, I guess I do feel it's a bit odd to reach out to an ex on their birthday.

 

It's interesting, aside from her 9 year relationship, just from what I know about her, she does seem to favor more casual relationships. I think just something to satisfy the need for some occasional male companionship and of course, some occasional sexual satisfaction without the feelings. Hence her whole thing with feelings being gross and her seeing a therapist.

 

Her and I getting into a relationship happened totally by accident for the most part, and she would always joke at how I tricked her into falling in love with me.

 

During our last talk before ending things, she mentioned something about not wanting to be hurt by me again. Us getting back together after that week may have seemed great at first, but I bet that after some thought, she felt it would be too risky emotionally for her to become vulnerable with me again. Probably part of the reason she opted to actually go on a date with the suburban guy. It still seems like she wanted to have her cake and eat it too keeping me around, and seeing someone else.

 

I also agree that there's no reason why we couldn't have exchanged a few words instead of her blocking me. Maybe she felt that would have been a bit TOO much contact and maybe even too risky on her part emotionally. As PRERAPH said...it's hard to know exactly where her head is at and what goes through it. I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere, down in that cold, dead, black heart of hers (as she would always say), she does still harbor a lot of feelings for me still in some way. Just based on stuff we talked about during our time, and things she'd talk to her therapist about that she would mention to me, I feel like our relationship was a pretty big deal to her. There were a few other things she'd tell me that alluded to the fact that she saw things between us in a long term sense. We had some silly running joke between us about how we'd elope on the beach in Mexico and she'd make me wear a Speedo.

 

As far as her and the suburban guy. If it is still going on, I can't imagine it's progressed much beyond just an occasional thing still. I'm not saying that they don't like each other quite a bit, but if anything, they're probably content with their arrangement, it's working for them, and it'll resolve itsself naturally at some point as most things of a casual nature do. I've been there a few times in my life, and it doesn't take very long to get bored with it easily if it doesn't have any potential from the start. Especially when it's just one sided and he's making the 35 mile trip to see her. Even if it is only once every couple weeks. You get burned out quickly.

 

As far as me blocking her on social media? I'm willing not to. I'm fine with leaving the door open. Partly out of curiosity, and partly because I don't feel it necessary. Even though the circumstances were a bit different the first time we broke up, this is the second time now she's crossed the divide to make contact. I've kept my foot on my side this whole time. Who's to say she doesn't make another attempt at some point. Again, who knows what's going on in her head. I'm not going to hold my breath, but I would be willing to at least hear what she would have to say if she were to reach out again for whatever reason.

 

But I'm not putting my life on hold for it. I'm still going out with someone tonight, so, who knows.

[preraph]

Well, it sounds like it is out of your hands and that whatever is going on IS in her head and so you really have no power to try to fix it. I hope you meet someone else soon so you can just forget about her.