Can't stay away from my married man

[DeepSparks]

First, I ask that you please not judge. I am looking for advice or a mirror help up from someone who has been there...I don't know.

 

 

We are coworkers and I wasn't looking to get into a relationship. He said him and his wife were having issues and she was threatening divorce. I took the bait cautiously, but inevitably we fell in love. We date for a year and a half before I realized he wasn't going to leave his wife and I didn't want to be second in his life anymore. We broke up in May.

 

 

We went two months with no contact and slowly started texting again. Here we are now in this limbo relationship. We are seeing each other once a week, but barely texting or keeping up contact in between.

 

 

Today he said he needed to hear me say it, so I told him I loved him and he said it back. He also said we needed to stop whatever we were doing because one of us is going to end up getting hurt again. I said it would more than likely be me and he agreed. I told him we needed to figure out what we were doing and where we were heading.

 

 

The problem is we can't stay away from each other. The love and chemistry has always been intense and even after months apart, it's still just as strong. Obviously I am not looking to break up a marriage, but we have something.

 

 

I literally don't know what to do. Help!

[Beendaredonedat]

Have you thought about this as a realist instead of an idealist? The reality is that you don't know this man past the stolen moments you spend together without life in general getting in the way of your lust. The perpetual honeymoon period is what has you trapped into thinking you love one another. Saying it doesn't mean it is so. Actions are what say it and sex is not an action of love if that is all you have that keeps you going back to one another.

 

You don't want to break up a marriage. I will say that the odds are pretty high that you won't be doing that. Most married people don't leave their spouse for the other woman/man.

 

Have you asked yourself why you are so afraid of commitment? Surely you are if you got yourself hooked up with someone that isn't available to commit to you so he's safe.

 

I literally don't know what to do. Help!

Why not book yourself into some therapy sessions to figure out why you accept so little for yourself? You are wasting good dating years on a man who goes home to his wife after he leaves you when you should really just tell him to leave you alone, go through your grief with the help of your therapist and then when you are at the stage of indifference to your MM through zero contact. You will be open in heart and mind to find a good guy that can be your own partner in life. Someone that you have it all with... not just the stolen moments. Edited August 16, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[BaileyB]

Obviously I am not looking to break up a marriage, but we have something.

 

Obviously. And yet, that’s exactly what you set out to do when you started “dating” a married man.

 

There is a pretty simple answer to your question, just not one that you probably want to hear. You need to go no contact and that probably means because you work together that you need to start looking for another job. Sorry, it’s the only way...

 

Counselling is also a good plan, you can’t necessarily go back and change the past but you can certainly work to understand it such that you can create a better future for yourself. Good luck.

[mark clemson]

The problem is we can't stay away from each other. The love and chemistry has always been intense and even after months apart, it's still just as strong. Obviously I am not looking to break up a marriage, but we have something.

 

I literally don't know what to do. Help!

 

 

What you have is an affair.

 

What to do is to end it. This is likely to be very tough and emotionally painful, but it will probably also be that if you continue, so you are best off biting the bullet now. Waiting will in all likelihood just result in deeper and deeper regret as you waste months and years of your life on something that will never be fully satisfying.

 

Strongly consider changing jobs. Seeing him will continue triggering your emotions for months and years to come. Even the associations of the place may do that for a while.

 

Suggest you ignore any indications of leaving his wife until the divorce is final and the dust has settled on it.

 

As genuinely tough as it is, the sooner you move on and get this person out of your system, the sooner you will be able to connect with someone you can actually have. Full NC is normally the best/quickest way to go once you are able to handle it emotionally.

[BaileyB]

He said him and his wife were having issues and she was threatening divorce. I took the bait cautiously, but inevitably we fell in love. We date for a year and a half

 

Your first mistake was believing what he said about his marriage... You assumed that because he “said” he and his wife were having problems and she was threatening divorce, that meant that he was moving toward separation and divorce, and as such... available to date.

 

Clearly, that was not true. You actually have no idea what is happening in their marriage because - you are not a part of their marriage.

 

You know what they say, fool me once and that’s on you. Fool me twice... You know full well that he has no intention of leaving his marriage. If he was going to do it, he would have done it by now. Which means you have two choices - you can continue to insert yourself where you don’t belong, into another woman’s marriage and disrupt a family or you can end it. It’s entirely your choice.

 

As Mark says, it will be hard to go no contact but best to do it now than to waste another two years of your life. It starts by letting go of the fantasy and facing the hard reality of the situation - this is not a relationship destined in the stars but a very ordinary, very inappropriate relationship between coworkers that went too far...

Edited August 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hugs DeepSparks....

 

Your situation is remarkably similar to mine (from the working together, to the timeframe, to not being able to leave each other alone, to you having to walk away).

 

I wish I had a better answer for you as to what to do. We could never stop until we weren't working together anymore. Even after he got a new job, we had a couple of slips. Like you I loved him too much to only exist in a very small, secret part of his life. We have been no contact for two weeks. I am not going to lie, it has been horrible. Even when you do decide to let go, it hurts like hell.

 

There are really only two options at this point for you. Let him go or continue the affair. Everyone describes affairs as an addiction and I am almost starting to believe them. For every moment you are away from each other, the pull back is euphoric, but that feel good only lasts so long until you are right back to the same issue, he is married.

 

It is a horrible choice to have to make because of the connection, but the best thing you can do at this point is to let him go. You can't continue to be the secret in his life...you deserve so much more. That is what I keep trying to tell myself anyway.

 

Keep posting, it helps. Most people are here to help, not to judge.

[Amethyst68]

Obviously I am not looking to break up a marriage, but we have something.

 

 

I literally don't know what to do. Help!

 

Why obviously? What's obvious is that you knowingly entered into a relationship with a man who was already married. If you don't want to break up the marriage then what do you want?

 

As for not knowing what to do? You literally do know what to do, you just don't want to. It will be painful and difficult but you do know the steps you need to take.

[DeepSparks]

Thank you all so very much. Despite you all being strangers, this is exactly what I needed to hear. It is just so hard because I love him so deeply. I didn't want to be in a relationship. I was very happily single. He was the one who sought me out and told me his marriage was on the rocks and then changed the rules as we got further involved.

 

 

I know what I need to do at this point. Back to no contact and now on the hunt for a new job. The only way this is going to end is if I make it happen. It is going to suck, but it's the right thing to do for my own well being.

 

 

Thanks for the shove and support!

[BaileyB]

I didn't want to be in a relationship. I was very happily single. He was the one who sought me out and told me his marriage was on the rocks and then changed the rules as we got further involved.

 

Shame on him. He knew exactly what he was doing, and what he did to you was not love - it was cruel.

 

But, you have some responsibility here too. As you said, you “took the bait.” I’m sorry to say, but you learned that lesson the hard way...

 

Best wishes. It will hurt for a while, but it will get better. Particularly if you find something new to look forward to like a new job or eventually, a new relationship. Or just focus on yourself, there is nothing wrong with being happily single and enjoying your life, your interests, your friendships. Take care.

[Starswillshine]

Let's correct this... YOU feel in love.

 

This man is married and every day he looks at his wife and lies. Knowing this, you can NOT trust anything about this man.

 

It is the same old, tired line.

[DeepSparks]

Let's correct this... YOU feel in love.

 

This man is married and every day he looks at his wife and lies. Knowing this, you can NOT trust anything about this man.

 

It is the same old, tired line.

 

 

 

Feel in love. That is exactly correct and true on so many levels. Shame on me. This hurts so much.

[WB6989]

Deepsparks, have you stayed away from each other the last few days?

[notmyfinestmoment]

Deep Sparks...

 

Please try to remember that only you know your truth. Everyone on here can have their own idea what happened in your relationship, but the truth is, you were the one that lived it, so keep that in mind. It's easy to judge from the "cheap seats".

 

You may very well feel love...he may have very well feel love. When A's start (and not all A's are the same as much as people like to put everything in one box, kind of like every marriage is different and has it's own dynamics and unless you are in it, no one would understands), you never see in advance how sideways they can go. You are caught up in it. The push/pull is very real and the reason it exists is because people try to reconcile what is right and what is wrong...constantly trying to do what is right, but pulled back in because of the feelings. Unfortunately, they don't end well most of the time. But you have to figure that out on your own and in your own time.

 

Whether or not you should have known better, it has no bearing right now. Instead of shredding yourself (and him), find a way to forgive yourself and forgive him. Maybe he got ahead of himself with his feelings too (unless he is one of the small %'s of serial cheaters out there). He has a family and walking away from that can't be taken lightly, so I am sure he is conflicted, which is the same reason he keeps coming back.

 

The indecisiveness will have a big affect on you as time goes on. That is where YOU need to make the decision, because he can't. That even though you love each other (and yes, it can be love), the timing is wrong.

 

Hugs as you make your way through this.

[Beendaredonedat]

Enabling dialogue will do nothing to help you get over your pain nor will it help you to learn a lesson from the mistakes you made by entertaining this man's 'science.' When you don't learn the lesson then you are doomed to repeat in the future. Whether you say you would never, you won't have the tools in place nor the boundaries to keep you from it happening again.

 

I do hope you are doing what you need to do to get to the stage of indifference to him. Look after your present self and your future self as well and if therapy will help you to form the boundaries and how to use those tools then by all means, love YOURSELF enough to get a good therapist that will help you to figure out why you let yourself become vulnerable to a married man.

[Big Aus]

People are very quick to dismiss what you feel, and what you have.

Say you need counselling, etc.

I disagree.

There's no reason you can't be deeply in love with this man. He may even love you, in some way. But if so, realise he loves you as his mistress.

 

The first thing you need to appreciate, is just what a bastard he is. He is treating both you and his wife shamefully. You need to really confront this, and understand the "man" you have fallen in love with.

I also would not be too hard on yourself. He told you he was leaving his wife, and you believed him. Now to take the moral high-ground we could say "you should have told him to et divorced then come see you", but "let he who is without sin...". Your biggest crime is being gullible. You need to understand just what an arsehole this guy is. You're almost certainly not the only woman he has cheated with.

 

The biggest DANGER here, is that his wife finds out, kicks him to the kerb, he comes crawling to you, and you mistakenly think its your dream come true. Then he will just start to cheat on you.

 

The Reality here is that you need to go through some pretty intense pain. It is the only way. Acknowledge what an arse he is, cut off all contact, and let time do the rest.

 

Since you work together, that needs to stop asap. Obviously if he had a shred of decency, he would resign. What are the chances?

My advice, if you can, have a confidential discussion with HR about your options. Many employers would sack him for his actions. If you don't feel comfortable with that approach, then find another job asap.

 

Do not have any further contact with him.

 

I would also recommend taking action to ensure he loses interest in you.

 

It is going hurt, sorry, but there is no other way.

[NomiMalone]

Big Aus, could not have been better said!

[DeepSparks]

Deepsparks, have you stayed away from each other the last few days?

 

 

 

So I decided it was best for me to just attempt to forget him and try to be as mean and silent as possible towards him. I just want to be able to move on. I got a text from him asking why I was being so cold towards him. I ignored it. He came up to me and gave me a long, tight hug and told me to relax and get out of my head.

 

 

I know in my head we need to call this quits. My heart is saying something different, but I am trying not to let it win. We are supposed to have lunch tomorrow. I think we need to have "the talk." I am going to nicely explain to him that he needs to make a decision about his marriage and what we are doing. If it goes the wrong way, then I am moving on.

 

 

My heart can't take much more.

[PhoenixRising8]

I was there. Having the talks. Always the same outcome. I gave him the control and while I did, nothing changed. He promised, I stayed, at some point stopped believing but stayed on the roller coaster.

 

Here's what we tell ourselves: he's trying to figure out how to let her down gently, he loves me too much to leave so he's trying to figure out how to unravel things, because it isn't easy. Here's the truth: he loves her enough to stay, he isn't as miserable as he makes out and your presence helps fill in the blanks, he "loves" you enough to keep you around, he's managing both of you so he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

We convince ourselves he's indecisive for this reason or that one, or maybe a number of reasons. What we fail to acknowledge is that not making a decision to leave IS A DECISION in and of itself. I can pretty much guarantee that if you push hard enough and long enough, he will have no difficulty walking away from you. He will put you back in his "OW" box and stay with the woman he married and had children with.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Oh Deep Sparks..... I know how much you are struggling with this!

 

He isn't ready to let you go. So to move on, you alone will need to find the strength and courage to move forward and it won't be easy my friend as you know by your previous 2 month NC period.

 

Everyone has different opinions, but I think seeing each other makes things worse. Any time my MM saw each other or talked about everything in person, it just re-ignited everything. This week will be a month since he and I have talked or have seen each other. We have never been in this place and I am not going to lie, the missing him is crushing. It took a lot of push/pull to get to this point. While I never gave him an ultimatum, his indecision was the decision. You want him to be sure about you and if he isn't, you are setting yourself up for more hurt unfortunately.

 

Maybe instead of telling him to decide, you make the decision. Decide to walk away and let him figure things out on his own. It is going to hurt so much, but as you know, the pain of staying is a whole different hurt that will never go away as long as you are a willing participant.

 

Hugs! Keep posting...(even though some will judge you, most of us here will be here to support you).

[Watercolors]

DeepSparks...what the others have advised to you is excellent advice: you need to take control of this trainwreck and walk away from the MM. Any "talks" he agrees to is just his stalling tactic to keep you on the hook, which he has you on. You've allowed him to emotionally manipulate you. He knows he has you like putty in his hands, and he'll likely use your lunch date to gaslight you and make you second guess your gut feelings to walk away, b/c he knows how to push your buttons.

 

I also agree that what you feel is not real love, but instead, you feel acknowledged by this MM, which you maybe missed feeling by being single.

 

Do you really believe that this MM will tell you "you're the one" at lunch? If he cheats on his wife with you, what makes you think he won't cheat on you (or already isn't) with yet more women?

Edited August 25, 2019 by Watercolors

[elaine567]

He came up to me and gave me a long, tight hug and told me to relax and get out of my head.

...We are supposed to have lunch tomorrow.

 

Well that was easy. Candy from a baby...

He has you round his little finger and he knows it...

[Watercolors]

Well that was easy. Candy from a baby...

He has you round his little finger and he knows it...

 

^^That's exactly what i think too.

[PhoenixRising8]

Just to add, of course he wants you to get "out of your head". Being in your head is a threat to HIM. You may see this for what it is if you think. You being ruled by your heart works better for HIM and he knows it. He will work your heart so he gets what he wants and it won't take much effort, if you're like most OW.

[PhoenixRising8]

 

 

Today he said he needed to hear me say it, so I told him I loved him and he said it back. He also said we needed to stop whatever we were doing because one of us is going to end up getting hurt again. I said it would more than likely be me and he agreed. I told him we needed to figure out what we were doing and where we were heading.

 

 

The problem is we can't stay away from each other. The love and chemistry has always been intense and even after months apart, it's still just as strong. Obviously I am not looking to break up a marriage, but we have something.

 

 

I literally don't know what to do. Help!

 

Please read and reread the bolder part until it sinks in. They are YOUR words and HIS. He has acknowledged already that whether or not he "loves" you, you are most likely to get hurt. Subtle message but it's there allowing him to tell you and himself that he has always been honest about the reality of things. It's his way of ensuring he has no reason to feel guilty. He has, in other words, told you he isn't leaving. Please see that. Any lunches or promises are designed for the sole purpose of him getting what he wants: his fun, ego boosts and validation while at the same time claiming honesty.

Edited August 25, 2019 by LilKatKat

[notmyfinestmoment]

Adding this....

 

Again NO ONE is in your shoes, so keep that in mind when reading responses. You have found yourself in a situation that you didn't expect to be in and are finding it hard to let go (because against popular belief, this can be love). And maybe that is the case for him as well. No one here know his motivations as much as everyone like to put MM in one box. You should know by now that as much as you (or everyone else on here) want it to be black and white, it's not. If that were the case, this website wouldn't exist.

 

If you have found yourself hurting too much from the situation (as I did), you can push back. He can't make a decision, so you have to be the strong one. The only other option is continue the way things are and I think you are coming to the conclusion that you can't do that.

 

Please know that you don't have to get to a place of hate with this. As OW/OM, we also have some responsibility here. We could have said no, but for whatever reason (lack of boundaries, loneliness, etc.), we fell down the rabbit hole. There is no point in picking him apart either. You care about him, so comments telling you how evil people think he is will be of no help to you because you don't see him that way (again, only you know). The only thing you can do is forgive yourself, forgive him and try to find a way to let go. It's the only way to peace.

 

Hang in there!