Can't stay away from my married man

[Beendaredonedat]

Just to reiterate: Enabling dialogue may be soothing but it does nothing to help you see where you went wrong and when you don't learn from your mistakes, you are bound to repeat them.

 

You cannot know if you "love" someone (in the true sense of the word) if all you have together is stolen moments wherein life in general doesn't get in the way of your lust/infatuation.

 

Please listen to logic and reason and forego fantasy and dialogue that placates you. You will be, one day, glad you did because once you look at this situ realistically without the rose coloured glasses, you will then start to forgive yourself for allowing so little for you.

Edited August 25, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[PhoenixRising8]

 

Again NO ONE is in your shoes, so keep that in mind when reading responses. You have found yourself in a situation that you didn't expect to be in and are finding it hard to let go (because against popular belief, this can be love). And maybe that is the case for him as well. No one here know his motivations as much as everyone like to put MM in one box. ...

 

If you have found yourself hurting too much from the situation (as I did), you can push back. He can't make a decision, so you have to be the strong one. The only other option is continue the way things are and I think you are coming to the conclusion that you can't do that.

 

... As OW/OM, we also have some responsibility here. We could have said no, ... There is no point in picking him apart either. You care about him, so comments telling you how evil people think he is will be of no help to you because you don't see him that way (again, only you know).

 

Many of us posting here have been in her shoes and that is why we know how this unfolds. There is the rare exception but the rule is what it is for a reason. While it is true that none of us are in his head, we can accurately surmise his motivation by his actions, despite what he says. This is because it plays out exactly the same way time and time again. Straight from the cheaters' playbook. Whether or not it is love is irrelevant. It may very well be love but it isn't the type that is enough to choose the other.

 

No one has said he is evil. Some are, most I believe are not. They are however flawed. Rather than deal with issues in their primary relationship, they augment with a secondary. They avoid conflict by not being open and honest with BS and with the other and give both just enough to keep them in the game. Their indecision IS a decision to keep the status quo and have both. It may even be subconscious but that's what it amounts to. Not acknowledging that to ourselves is not helpful. It keeps us holding on to the fantasy rather than coming to terms with reality. And that is what keeps us stuck.

Edited August 25, 2019 by LilKatKat

[spiritedaway2003]

Dear OP,

 

A couple of us have been down this path before, and there are some really good advice upthread. We want to save you from a world of hurt.

 

Know that he is wrong and selfish to have pursue you while he's married. I agree that his indecision is a decision too. If he wants to be together with you, the right thing for him would be come clean with his wife and then pursue a relationship with you.

 

Otherwise, ask him: "Would you still want to be with me if your wife finds out?" (Yes, if you threaten to disclose it, you'll know where you stand so fast). He would back off so quickly. Right now, he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

Unless and until he is divorced, he is not an available man. Do not go back to the affair.

 

Also, start looking for another job. That will help to ensure NC too.

[spiritedaway2003]

You cannot know if you "love" someone (in the true sense of the word) if all you have together is stolen moments wherein life in general doesn't get in the way of your lust/infatuation.

 

I think we'll never see eye to eye on it, so I will respectfully disagree with you on this point. Flawed as it is, people feel what they feel; their feelings should not be so readily dismissed simply because you don't think love is possible in your viewpoint.

Having said that, the reality is that MM needs to back off from pursuing her or do the right thing (work on his marriage or get out of it). The OP needs to work on putting up boundaries to not get herself sucked into it again.

 

I think we're all advising her of the same thing, just in different ways.

[Beendaredonedat]

"love" is more than stolen moments together

"Love" is more than a feeling. It is an action word and sex is not an action of love if that is all the relationship is made up of.

 

Feelings of attachment through sexual bonding? Yes, I agree with. That doesn't mean it's love. Love without action to prove your love is just a word. I love pizza.

[elaine567]

Unfortunately "love" is what keeps many OWs stuck in the affair

"He says he loves me, I have to stick around and wait for him..."

[Watercolors]

Words are but wind....

 

This is why words never mean anything unless there is action to demonstrate the word's intention.

[stillafool]

Men know that saying "I Love You" to a woman who is desperate to hear it will open many doors for him. My father warned me of that when I was 12.

[Tristian]

Folks, let's steer conversation back to the OPs situation and away from general discussion.

 

Let's see if we can get things back on track before I have to start zapping posts.

 

 

To start us off here's the Ops last update...

 

 

So I decided it was best for me to just attempt to forget him and try to be as mean and silent as possible towards him. I just want to be able to move on. I got a text from him asking why I was being so cold towards him. I ignored it. He came up to me and gave me a long, tight hug and told me to relax and get out of my head.

 

I know in my head we need to call this quits. My heart is saying something different, but I am trying not to let it win. We are supposed to have lunch tomorrow. I think we need to have "the talk." I am going to nicely explain to him that he needs to make a decision about his marriage and what we are doing. If it goes the wrong way, then I am moving on.

 

My heart can't take much more.

Edited August 26, 2019 by Tristian

[mark clemson]

So I decided it was best for me to just attempt to forget him and try to be as mean and silent as possible towards him. I just want to be able to move on...

 

I know in my head we need to call this quits.

 

This may work. Being cold/passive aggressive may also make it easier for him to detach (and thus leave you alone) too, which is helpful to both in the long run.

 

How did your lunch go?

[S2B]

If you want to stay away you will!

 

Go ahead!!! Be mean to him!

Edited August 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Fair]

We are coworkers and I wasn't looking to get into a relationship. He said him and his wife were having issues and she was threatening divorce. I took the bait cautiously, but inevitably we fell in love. We date for a year and a half before I realized he wasn't going to leave his wife and I didn't want to be second in his life anymore. We broke up in May.

 

I would think this is more than 'love.' Sounds like ego... and all that forbidden fruit stuff. He wants to hear you say you love him then says you need to stop seeing each other? Ego boost was what he was after. You like what's forbidden... endless cycle of both of you getting these 'fixes' out of each other while in the meantime if you were to end up in a relationship... which is very unlikely... it would fizzle out in a shot. It's not based on anything real.

 

And don't get me wrong, fantasies can be very strong and heady. But they're fantasies none the less.

Edited August 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DeepSparks]

So, lunch went surprisingly well. We had a good time, but then he went almost radio silent for the rest of the week. I tried reaching out and got limited responses. I am not playing the game anymore. I blocked his phone number and am going back to zero contact. I'm finally done and moving on.

[Beendaredonedat]

Love YOURSELF enough to not let him hoover you back for more of the same. Take time to rehab from your addiction to those stolen moments.

[Big Aus]

Some nice posters trying to be "understanding" towards this POS. Don't.

 

Not everyone's situation is the same, so maybe yours was "different". But this guy is a Grade-A Douchebag.

 

He was never going to leave his wife. He has probably cheated on her before, will undoubtedly cheat on her again, and was probably cheating with other women whenever you guys were on a break

So I decided it was best for me to just attempt to forget him and try to be as mean and silent as possible towards him. I just want to be able to move on. I got a text from him asking why I was being so cold towards him. I ignored it.

Good

He came up to me and gave me a long, tight hug and told me to relax and get out of my head.

So he has indecently assaulted you at work. Why haven't you had him fired?

I know in my head we need to call this quits. My heart is saying something different,

There's no such thing.

You know what you need to do, for your own well-being, safety, and sanity. Just do it.

We are supposed to have lunch tomorrow.

WTF?

Unless your plan is to tip scalding hot coffee onto his privates, why on earth would you have lunch with him?

I think we need to have "the talk." I am going to nicely explain to him that he needs to make a decision about his marriage and what we are doing.

WTF?

What part of this are you not getting?

There is NO "decision" to be made about his marriage. He was NEVER going to leave his wife. It was never even a possibility.

My heart can't take much more.

Grow Up!

This is your life, not a soap opera.

You know the answer, you must act on it.

[PhoenixRising8]

Have you taken your own advice Big Aus? I agree with everything you’ve said on this thread and others. I just hope you’re doing the same with respect to your own sitch.

[mark clemson]

Just to note, I was wondering the same thing as LKK.

[BourneWicked]

DeepSparks, I feel you. I get where you are at. I've been there. In many ways, I still am there.

 

From my own experience, I realized that MM had a habit of getting inappropriately close with women at work. I'd even heard about him being "friendly" with a coworker before I got in trouble with him. Basically, I was warned and I still screwed up. Meanwhile, my career was whistle-clean before him.

 

But that could be helpful in moving on... you're in love. But are you sure you're his first? his only? that kind of helped me. Realizing it's not this special thing. It's a man seeing what he can get away with.

 

The biggest eyeopener for me was watching his inconsistent behaviors over time, and listening to the stories he would literally tell himself to make himself feel better. The spark is going to be strong in these relationships; if no one else suggested it, I would suggest researching limerence. Basically, intermittent reinforcement makes this into a drug that takes some work to say no to.

 

And yeah, it can be love. I do still love the MM in my case, despite his obvious, pretty ridiculous flaws. So I agree as others have said - don't invalidate your feelings. But I recommend taking that love and sprinkling it around to everyone you care about who is available to actually share their lives with you.

 

Good luck to you.

[Beendaredonedat]

And yeah, it can be love. I do still love the MM in my case,

Or you are in Limerence as you have suggested the Op to look into.

 

Op: Google "Limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. It's a bit of read but it will (hopefully) enlighten you.

 

Last I read the Medical Society were deciding whether or not to add "Limerence" to the DSM. (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) since it can sometimes take years to overcome especially if you are someone still in contact in some way with your limerent object.