Separation due to weight and changes in life goals

[C8ke4Me]

Hello All,

 

First post and I would love a fresh perspective.

 

My husband and I have been together for 27 years and married for 20. We have been to counseling several times with mixed results. We are certainly aware of our issues and can articulate what the other wants and needs, but struggle to actually change behavior. Sometimes I wonder, if I'm trying to resolve issues to which there really is no resolution and I should really be working on accepting we will not be on the same page and it's time to move on. One of us will be moving out of our home in the next 90 days.

 

For example:

 

My husband has strong opinion about my weight. He is adamant that my food choices are self destructive and they are on par with being an alcoholic or addict. I disagree. He has repeatedly stated that he is not interested in taking care of me 20 yrs from now if I weight 300 lbs and ride a mobility scooter. This is a constant source of friction because I feel I'm being judged for what I might do and might look like 20 yrs from now. My husband disagrees and states current behavior is a definite predictor of future behavior and that being judged and judging others is a fact of life. I feel these kinds of statements are hurtful and he feels I'm trying to suppress the expression of his emotions.

 

I understand that physical attraction is very important to him. However, at 50 I have always struggled with my weight. I did have a gastric by-pass and I currently weigh the same weight as when we got married. This is not a permanent fix and I still have challenges with my weight.

 

Full disclosure, I don't do enough to manage my weight properly. There is room for improvement on my part. My husband is diabetic and manages his weight via a very strict diet and exercise regime. He is very concerned with dying prematurely so he invests a lot of his time and energy into managing his disease via Keto, fasting, etc. I can't do what he does, but I could do more than what I'm doing now.

 

My issue is being judged. I constantly feel like I'm being evaluated against some internal checklist in his head. I'm left wondering will I ever measure up? My weight is not the only issue.

 

Question

 

Does my husband have a legit point? Is it a failure on my part to understand the nature of attraction and the biological needs of men?

 

Should I just accept that he has standards for women and If I don't think I can make the cut, then I should just move on from this relationship?

[basil67]

I spend time on a curvy sewing board on FB, so I'm not going to judge you for your weight. However, I am going to try and break down what I see going on in your marriage.

 

There are two different things your husband is talking about. You seem to understand that there are issues with attraction going on, but you're not hearing him when he talks of his fears for your future. This concern of his isn't about sexual attraction, it's about you being able to function and be healthy in the future. And from a purely medical point of view, eating disorders can very much be on par with addiction .

 

As you've had a by-pass, I'm gong to assume that you'd prefer your weight to be lower. Given that you acknowledge there's room for improvement on your part, he's probably not out completely of line in suggesting that your eating habits are destructive. Are you working with a nutritionist and psychologist to set you up for success? (The psychologist is also essential to work out the issues which leave you vulnerable to bad choices in the first place).

 

I know that him nagging you is probably only making you feel worse. Which probably makes you make more bad choices. But do you want to try and maintain your weight? And is your marriage otherwise good? Perhaps if you get the professional supports in place and bring him along so that he can learn to help you in a more positive manner, you may be able to keep to the weight you'd like and keep your marriage too.

[Mr. Lucky]

Lots to process here. I’m going to focus on the weight issue even though you’ve said this uncomfortable interaction isn’t limited to that area.

 

He’s in a no-win position. He can either watch silently as you pursue an unhealthy course guaranteed to limit your life expectancy, or he can speak up and draw your ire.

 

OP, which one of those choices seems like a more loving act to you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes..

 

Its a no win for him...Say nothing and just get resentful, or say something and hurt your feelings/piss you off...He chose the latter...which is probably the best option, btw...

 

You may not like it, but all of what he is saying is actually correct..

 

Perhaps I am wrong on this, but they usually don't approve people for gastric bypass unless they are significantly overweight., So this issue must have gotten really out of hand, no? I can tell you for a fact that my mom. who I adore, has had a variety of medical issues that are all related to the fact that she is overweight...I have tried to convince her in the nicest way possible, but to no avail...Its a shame, because she has struggled and I believe she could be(and would have) enjoying her life more if she just would have dropped some of the excess weight...The only reason I bring this up is to make you aware that it gets tougher to carry extra weight as we age and your husband is correct to make you aware of it..

 

Just out of curiosity are you and him still having sex pretty regularly? If not, my guess is that part of it is frustrating him to the point where he's lashing out at you for the weight...He still may very well be concerned for your health and well being aspect of it, but he may be emphasizing that because its caused issues in the bedroom...and its not as easy to frame it in that way as opposed to doing it in such a way as to appear to be truly concerned about your health now and in the future...

 

Good luck....About all the advice I can give you is to make a better effort...You will feel much better and perhaps he wont be so judgmental or perhaps frustrated...

 

TFY

[elaine567]

Sounds like you are basically saying your weight is a big problem for your husband but that he has to get over it as you are unwilling to actively change your lifestyle long term.

 

We all, fat or thin can end up in a mobility scooter for various reasons. but I guess none of us really want to manhandle a 300lb dead weight woman every day on and off the scooter, as that is what it may boil down to for your husband.

Bad enough doing that when young and fit but at 60-70??? He makes a good point.

 

XS weight WILL kill your joints and unhealthy foods WILL ruin your arteries and heart.

If I were you, I would embrace the healthy living, as finding a new "better" man is probably going to be tough and the grass though appearing greener is often in reality coarse and bitter...

[Blind-Sided]

Unfortunately... everything above is right. I personally don't mind a bigger girl, but the point that it truly interferes with life (can't fit into normal sizes seats) or that it starts to effect health... then yes, I agree, it's just like an alcoholic, and help is needed. This person loves you, and wants you to live a happy life with him. He doesn't want to be your nurse later in life. And since you have been together for so long... he is seeing the trend, and where it's heading.

 

 

I have a cousin who is... oh.... +500 lbs. He has struggled all his life, and has had a few operations to help. (band, or bypass, not sure) But eventually, he goes back to his old habits. He thinks his eating is fine. But we tall him that A large coke, double burger with cheese and bacon, and fries is too much. Especially what he will go home and eat an entire bag of chips, and wash it down with another coke. (2L bottle) We all love him, but we know he will probably die early.

 

 

What I'm saying is... a few pounds extra is no issue... but a scooter is.

[DKT3]

I think you perspective is wrong. You view this as judgment when it is more likely actually love. Your husband has changed his lifestyle and in doing so wants you to become healthy.

 

What's with the I cant do it stuff? You can do it. Not wanting to do it is different than not being able.

 

I get that him making your weight an issue is painful for you, it sounds like its been a lifetime battle and I'm sure there is alot of insecurity around it. I think simply changing your mindset for this ideal that he is against you, to one where he simply wants you to live longer and have higher quality years ahead will be a good start.

[FMW]

The fact that your husband takes his own health issues so seriously is a positive indicator that his focus on yours (whether now or in the future) is out of real love and concern.

 

Unfortunately, that doesn't help the way you receive and perceive it.

 

Weight issues are very often psychologically based - some people eat compulsively to try to soothe anxiety or depression, just as others smoke or drink. Feeling someone is pushing you to stop only makes that compulsion worse.

 

Counseling for yourself would probably be a good first step. If you can get your own emotional issues under control you might have a different outlook on everything in general. And a side effect would hopefully be your husband no longer nagging you.

 

I'm sure it's very hurtful and makes you feel rejected by him. If this is the only serious area of contention you have in your long marriage then I don't think you want to end it without seeing if you can address the underlying issues from the standpoint of improving your own life, not doing it because it's what he wants.

[DKT3]

I dont think that the majority of overweight people are compulsive eating or eating a lot. I believe they are eating the wrong things, more specifically drinking. There is alot of hidden weight gaining elements in drinks.

 

OP cutting weight isnt as hard to do when you set and attain small goals. For example, cutting out sweetened drinks, this includes soda, juices (artificial) sweetened coffee and tea. Replace with water, if you need flavor infuse with fruit, mint leafs or whatever you like. Usually but doing this the average person will reduce their daily calorie consumption by a third.

[basil67]

OP cutting weight isnt as hard to do when you set and attain small goals. For example, cutting out sweetened drinks, this includes soda, juices (artificial) sweetened coffee and tea. Replace with water, if you need flavor infuse with fruit, mint leafs or whatever you like. Usually but doing this the average person will reduce their daily calorie consumption by a third.

 

I assume you've gone from morbidly obese to healthy using this method. How did it work without having the emotional side of things dealt with?

[major_merrick]

The fact that your husband takes his own health issues so seriously is a positive indicator that his focus on yours (whether now or in the future) is out of real love and concern.

 

Unfortunately, that doesn't help the way you receive and perceive it.

 

 

This. Your husband isn't asking you to do anything that he won't do (and more) himself. Yes, there's an attraction issue. How could there not be? Being really fat is not attractive. But the health issue impacts everyone's quality of life, and the length of your life.

 

I think it is great that you got the gastric bypass. That can't have been an easy step. But even you admit it isn't a total fix. I can't say if it is the type or quantity of food you are eating, or if there is some other issue at work. You're going to need a doctor to tell you that. But it will take continual effort.

 

My husband's uncle allowed himself to get morbidly obese. There were emotional issues involved. But it affected everybody around him. He died a couple of years ago, and his wife is now a widow in her 50's. His daughter (my husband's cousin) is also obese, and is having major joint problems before even reaching 30.

[Mr. Lucky]

How did it work without having the emotional side of things dealt with?

 

That this very real issue exists doesn't change her husbands predicament, which was the focus of her question. Certainly a challenge on many levels...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

You do need to back-off on the judging assumption for this one item and assume your husband has your best interest at heart unless he says it's all about him wanting a hot bod.

 

Eating too much can be tied to routines and environment. Just like drug addiction you can go off to rehab but when you come back you're right in the middle of all the triggers that were getting you to over indulge in the first place.

 

You need to change your environment. Is there a help group that you can join for support. Could you change your eating habits from 3 meals a day to two meals a day or several small meals over the day?

 

DK is right about knocking out all sugary drinks and just using water. It will help a lot. You can also replace snacks with dried fruit. I like pineapple just eat 3 or pieces at a time and not he whole bag.

 

Put some effort into finding alternate low calorie foods that taste good. Spend some money on this as it is important. Hiring a personal trainer may benefit you. Try out some of the packaged food plans. It's just like saving money. It works if you stick to the plan.

 

Your husband will need to stop being a critic and become a cheer leader.

 

It's takes a lot of effort to obviate years of habit and discipline and to keep from falling back.

 

I'd like to lose twenty pounds myself.

[FMW]

I doubt OP needs diet tips from us. She had gastric bypass, that surely came with a lot of professional input about what foods to focus on.

[thefooloftheyear]

I doubt OP needs diet tips from us. She had gastric bypass, that surely came with a lot of professional input about what foods to focus on.

 

Yep....and nagging, cheerleading, and coaching never works...Or if it does, its probably not going to be sustained over the long haul..

 

Its cliché but until a person has convinced themselves that its what they want to do, then nothing else really matters...Who really wants to get someone to do something by shame, force or even positive urging?...The entire world knows that being over weight isn't good for a lot of reasons..

 

The OP's H made a point, but I am sure she knew where he stood long before that, without ever saying a word...If she chose to not do anything about it, then fine, that's ok as well, but then need to accept whatever consequences happen as a result of that..

 

TFY

[Happy Lemming]

Personally, I listen to my doctor. When he told me to lose weight and exercise or he'd have to put me on cholesterol lowering medication, I listened.

 

I changed my eating habits and went for a walk every morning at 5:30am. (I've since switched to riding my bicycle in the morning). In about 3-4 months the weight came off and my cholesterol went back down.

 

To "C8ke4Me" - Has your doctor mentioned your weight?? Suggested a "goal weight" where he/she wants you at?? Can you ask your doctor for suggestions about your diet?? What and how much you should be eating, etc.??

[JackieDaniels1977]

Hello All,

 

First post and I would love a fresh perspective.

 

My husband and I have been together for 27 years and married for 20. We have been to counseling several times with mixed results. We are certainly aware of our issues and can articulate what the other wants and needs, but struggle to actually change behavior. Sometimes I wonder, if I'm trying to resolve issues to which there really is no resolution and I should really be working on accepting we will not be on the same page and it's time to move on. One of us will be moving out of our home in the next 90 days.

 

For example:

 

My husband has strong opinion about my weight. He is adamant that my food choices are self destructive and they are on par with being an alcoholic or addict. I disagree. He has repeatedly stated that he is not interested in taking care of me 20 yrs from now if I weight 300 lbs and ride a mobility scooter. This is a constant source of friction because I feel I'm being judged for what I might do and might look like 20 yrs from now. My husband disagrees and states current behavior is a definite predictor of future behavior and that being judged and judging others is a fact of life. I feel these kinds of statements are hurtful and he feels I'm trying to suppress the expression of his emotions.

 

I understand that physical attraction is very important to him. However, at 50 I have always struggled with my weight. I did have a gastric by-pass and I currently weigh the same weight as when we got married. This is not a permanent fix and I still have challenges with my weight.

 

Full disclosure, I don't do enough to manage my weight properly. There is room for improvement on my part. My husband is diabetic and manages his weight via a very strict diet and exercise regime. He is very concerned with dying prematurely so he invests a lot of his time and energy into managing his disease via Keto, fasting, etc. I can't do what he does, but I could do more than what I'm doing now.

 

My issue is being judged. I constantly feel like I'm being evaluated against some internal checklist in his head. I'm left wondering will I ever measure up? My weight is not the only issue.

 

Question

 

Does my husband have a legit point? Is it a failure on my part to understand the nature of attraction and the biological needs of men?

 

Should I just accept that he has standards for women and If I don't think I can make the cut, then I should just move on from this relationship?

 

First off has he always been this way. From what you say I think some of his remarks sound rude but on the other hand say he is worried about you and your health. but I know it doesn't make you feel any better, when he is talking to you this way. maybe being apart could lower your stress leave. Because Stress can keep you from losing weight and cause you to eat when you don't need too. yes your right getting the gastric bypass is just another of many tools to help you but doing that alone is not full proof. one of my friends had it done and it worked for her for about four years and she has gone back to her old habits and has gained weight back. I myself have not had it done and I am 285 myself. and doing it by myself because my husband and kid don't want to do it with me. its hard but I'm slowly getting there when it comes to losing weight. I don't know what else you may have tried so please forgive my when I say maybe going to canceling just for yourself to work on you or finding a nutritionist who can help you with food options. mite help as well. If you still love him and want it to work, just try living on your own for a bit you mite surprise yourself and he may even have a change of heart, I wouldn't do anything permit right off the bat. unless you really think you two have grown apart. or If he is doing more then running his mouth then maybe it is time to move on... BUT ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED TO HAPPEN. SO LISTEN TO YOURSELF.. us people on here are just here to give a comment.