Breaking up after almost three years

[lost81]

We have been together for almost three years and we are in the process of buying a house together but I no long feel the same way I once did for her.

I really don't know what to do, I don't want to hurt her as she is such an emotional person and she has really caring personality but my feelings towards her are no longer what they once were.

Now we have invested in building a house together it has really complicated matters for me so much more and I am at complete loss.

I know she will be completely shattered as she has never been in a long term relationship before and also never lived with her bf before and she is a really insecure person and easily offened.

She is aslo caring and really goes out of her way to please me but it's just not working out.

I really need help with this one I am really struggling and I need out but I don't want to complety crush her emotionaly and I am worried about her I still care about her deeply but just not in that same way anymore and have'nt done for some time now.

 

I am so worried about her that I can not bring myself to do it I seriously don't know what to do its really killing me I can't sleep or relax its constantly on my mind.

Edited August 17, 2019 by lost81

[Blind-Sided]

Well... unfortunately, only you know how you feel, and you know what needs done.

 

 

First, from your description in the first sentence, you aren't done with buying the house. If you haven't closed yet... then call it off now. Yes, you will loose your hand money... but it's small compared to what you will loose trying to sell it while you are upside-down in it.

 

 

As far as crushing her... well... that's what will happen when someone gets blind-sided by that person that they think loves them. But if that truly how you feel and you don't think there's any way to work through this... then just do it, and don't wait until you have moved into this new house... gotten married... and had kids.

[lana-banana]

Do you both live in this house, or are you living somewhere else while it's under construction? Are both your names on the title? If so, you're going to need to talk to a lawyer.

 

The actual breakup is going to be very hard too. My suggestion is to meet her somewhere, like a park or a coffeeshop, and explain that it's not going to work out. Don't say anything that suggests it's her fault or that it's something she did. Just be clear this is about your feelings and your decision is final. Make arrangements to stay with a friend or get a hotel immediately afterwards for a week or so, just so she understands that this isn't a phase or a rough patch (and so you can avoid her trying to change your mind about the breakup every time you get up to use the bathroom).

 

What happens next depends on who owns the property. As I said above, if you both own the house, you'll need to get lawyers involved. If the house hasn't actually been purchased yet, you need to end that process immediately. If you do own it and it's just your name on the title, you should go above and beyond to help find her an apartment and pay for at least some of her moving expenses. If you are both living in an apartment while you work on this house, the best thing you can do is move out immediately and help pay until the lease expires, or pay whatever fee you have to break your lease early.

 

There is no real gentlemanly way to tell your long-term partner that you simply don't want to be with her anymore, but the best things you can do are 1) not let her believe she can win you back and 2) take as much responsibility as you can. Be gracious but distant, firm but considerate. Will she be crushed? Sure. Will she hate you? Almost certainly. But five or ten years later she's going to be really grateful that she's not stuck in a dead-end relationship.

 

Oh, and start detaching now. Be disinterested. Stop having sex if you haven't already. Minimize contact with her. If you have long-term plans, cancel them. The sooner she even gets the idea that something is wrong, the sooner she'll begin entertaining the possibility of a breakup.

Edited August 17, 2019 by lana-banana

[rainbow12]

I agree with all the post above, it's more worse trying to blind someone into thinking their partners love them than to actually admit the truth that you don't see a future with them anymore. You're becoming long term, you're about to live together into this new or purchased home. You need to be honest with her and yourself like you have been on here.

[lost81]

We are currently living togeth, she moved into my place a little over 12 months ago.

The house being built is in her name but I am worried that it will be too much for her to handle on her own income.

I am not worried about the cash I have put into the home.

[lana-banana]

We are currently living togeth, she moved into my place a little over 12 months ago.

The house being built is in her name but I am worried that it will be too much for her to handle on her own income.

I am not worried about the cash I have put into the home.

 

She can sell the house, or get a roommate if need be. Are you living in a house or an apartment now? If it's your house, offer to let her stay while she makes arrangements (and you should move into the basement or sleep in the guest room, or something). If it's an apartment then you should look for your own.

 

Not that you need anyone to tell you this but if you aren't feeling certain about your relationship, you should address that long before you get into property management together. Were you planning to get married too, or was that never in the cards?

 

And I'll say it again: start detaching now.