I'm absolutely terrified

[gettinoverit]

I'm going to try and keep this as short and to the point as possible - but it's complicated!

 

I am from the UK. My xH is Japanese. We met in Thailand. I was living in London, him in Japan. We had a long distance relationship for a year. Then he invited me to move with him to Tokyo with his job. It seemed like a fantastic opportunity for an adventure and I was getting bored in London, bored with my career. I went for it. He said it would just be for a year or so. Then we would return home. Well - 11 years and 3 kids later!

 

I noticed some weird behavior with other women before I was even pregnant. Lots of close female friends he was very tactile with. But I was forever conscious that this is NOT my culture, I shouldn't judge, I need to learn to adapt, need to trust. I squished down all the red flags trying to make it work. After all, I'd left my home, family, friends, career (earning double what he was) culture and country for this. I HAD to try and make it work.

 

We got married and I was pregnant within a month. I found out about the first woman when I was 34 weeks. It had been going on most of the pregnancy. I found all the text messages. He didn't bother to lock his phone as he didn't know how much I had been studying and how smart I am, and I could now read Japanese. Not that you need to be able to read Japanese to understand lots of heart symbols!

 

I couldn't fly back - too dangerous for the pregnancy. I had to stay and give birth there, in Japanese, with only him for support. I was absolutely terrified. But after she was born, we agreed to try again for her sake.

 

The second affair that I know of, I first got wind of on my birthday. At 33 weeks pregnant with my son. I heard him on the phone, on my birthday no less, giggling and laughing with her. It wasn't until around 18 months later that I found all the emails. She worked for him. This time I threatened to ask his American boss if this was "a normal part of Japanese culture" as he had explained to me. He quit the company.

 

The third time I was pregnant with our third, I got no definite proof, but the behavioural signs were there again. Remember I'd been through this with two pregnancies already. But when the 3rd was born, and we returned back to the UK for Christmas a year later, and he came and joined us, I found the texts. This time he'd tried to be smarter - they were at least in the trash section of his phone. He just didn't realize it didn't automatically empty.

 

I still soldiered on. Why? Because under Japanese law there is no shared custody. And in most cases if there is argument, the Japanese spouse will get the kids over the foreign parent. Hell, even the Japanese grandparents will get the kids over the foreign parent if they so desire. I know of many people who never get to see their children, ever. Even mothers. I could never risk losing them. I sucked it up and made the best of it. Do you know how mentally strong you have to be to live like that, even in your own country with your family around you, let alone in a conmpletely foreign place?

 

The final straw was something so silly - I found a receipt for a cake and flowers in his pocket, doing the wash. He claims it was for a male friend of his who had recently got married. Could be. Could not. Who knows? The point is, that plus the constant lies, overtly and by ommission, the trickle truths that only half came out (of course, the first one he never met in person, the second was only an innocent flirtation yada yada) combined with the massive earthquake tsunami and radioactive meltdown that a year later left me in hospital for two weeks battling hearing loss (I am now permanently deaf in one ear, as he didn't lift a finger to find a specialist hospital for me, and so I was on the wrong treatment protocol. Doctor says her opinion is extreme stress caused it). I had had enough. I asked for a divorce, and let the chips fall where they may. That was December 2012. I realized I am no good to the children at all anyway if I am dead.

 

2 weeks later, after 1 couples counselling session he agreed to under duress, where the counsellor heard the details above and said "ay yay yay" and he protested this was unfair as it was being done in English (the counselor was Japanese) - he was offered a job in the US. I felt like a lifeline had been thrown. Fresh start in a neutral country. We moved here 6 years ago.

 

I really hoped being here would change things. And for the most part I am really happy here. But I don't think anything has really changed. For starters, he does business trips often back to Japan. So now he's over there and single. His phone, laptop, everything is company owned and I have zero access to any of it. He could be leading a completely double life for all I know. Just like his father did (yeah, he grew up highly dysfunctional, what a cliche). He leads a separate life, even more so now his office has moved so he stays away during the week. Here I am still, a single mom of 3 kids living in a foreign country with no family around me, but now my husband leads a separate life to me.

 

It all came to a head in February this year. I was looking for tweezers! Found what looked very much like a torn condom wrapper in his toiletries bag. I can't prove it is - no markings. But it matches an actual wrapper exactly in size. his response was the scariest part. I called him to confront him and said "I know what you've been doing. Are you going to tell me?" Complete and utter silence. It was almost like he didn't know what I had on him and didn't want to admit to anything as there were multiple infractions! He came home, I showed him, and he - literally - went berserk. Shouting, screaming, swearing, shoving me, throwing his arms up in "despair", howling like an injured animal, threw himself into the car - I stood behind it so he couldn't leave as I was terrified he was going to kill himself or someone else. He jumped out of the car back into the house, and started throwing things. It was really scary.

 

When he calmed down, we did the civil conversation thing. But as always it was impossible. He rolled his eyes, threw his arms up in despair at how "unreasonable" I am (I was speaking very calmly and levelly), gaslighted me (he would say something and 1 minute later I would quote it back and he would deny he ever said it! WTF?!), stonewalled me, victimized himself ("I can't make you happy, I give up!") and finally - I had had enough. After 17 long years, we agreed to separate.

 

Since then things have been very odd. I'm making a huge effort to get on with him for the sake of the kids, and for the most part we get on well. I'm trying very hard to focus on the good in him. He works very hard, never keeps us short of money, is an amazing father, albeit very childish (our 13 year old was busy and didn't want to speak to him so he threw a hissy fit and said he's not speaking to him either!). He comes home every weekend. The kids don't really notice the difference as he was gone so much anyway!

 

But now, he has decided he would be happier back in Japan. He is actively intervewing for jobs back there. It will be something that means he regularly flies back here, so he will see the kids often. But I'm feeling so resentful all over again. I gave up two perfectly good careers in support of him, one in the UK, one I built up in Japan. When we moved to the US, I wasn't allowed t work for the first 5 years due to visa restrictions. My career is dead in the water now. I am entirely dependent on him financially. He gets to now go back and live the single life in Tokyo, while I am stuck here in a foreign country with no family and the 3 kids to raise on my own. Moving home is not an option - the kids are high school age now and doing SO well, great friends, amazing grades, one in varsity sports since freshman year. I CANNOT mess up their lives just because *I* can't handle things. But I feel so much anger, so much resentment! And I am scared. Really, REALLY scared! I had a sleepless night last night worrying about everything from what if he knocks someone up over there, to how on earth are we going to pay for medical insurance.

 

So this is where I'm at right now. Beaten but not broken. I'm generally a very positive person, and I am determined to pull myself up by my bootstraps and keep going. I feel very lucky in many ways. I have had an amazing life to date, and it's been an adventure. I don't regret a second, even the bad times. But - I'm nearly 50 now. I'm getting scared. How do I support myself? Who is going to want me?! What the hell am I going to do with MY life when I'm trying so hard to maintain it for 3 other completely innocent people in all this.

 

I don't even know why I'm here to be honest! To vent? To stop dumping on my poor friends who have heard enough over the years! I guess I have finally got to the point where I'm feeling a loud, strong, roaring "NO!" Enough. No more. You are not going to take my 50s too, like you took my 30s and 40s. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than live with the anxiety and fear a moment longer. So here I am - a slightly wizened gazelle taking her first wobbly steps on her own after 2 decades.

 

Empathy advice and support would be SOOOOO welcome right now! I act all cool and strong but underneath it all I would kill for SOMEONE to just put their arms around me and say "I've got you, it's going to be ok". I haven't had that my whole life. My dad drank himself to death, and my mum is a narc. When do I get to stop being strong for a minute and just lean on someone??!

[gettinoverit]

Just read it back. Just to clarify the timelines here to avoid confusion:

 

11 years in Japan

6 years in America

Married 16 years "together" 18 years (first year was long distance)

 

And because I'm new here and didn't know how to edit properly! More info:

 

he started to treat it like a big joke after I caught the first two affairs. So for example, one day he promised "complete and utter honesty from this point forwards" and then within an hour in the "spirit of honesty" told me about an "old friend" from Australia he had been back in touch with who wanted to meet us all for coffee. Unfortunately for him, I have a photographic memory and when I asked for this friend's name, I immediately knew it was his ex girlfriend he lived with for a year! He was setting me up with lies to be all pally with his fkn ex!!! I confronted him and he laughed and said "ohhhh! You got me AGAIN!"

Edited August 17, 2019 by gettinoverit

[FMW]

I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in

 

You need to talk to an attorney with experience with international laws and divorce and find out exactly what your rights are and what you can expect. It's impossible to make plans about what you are going to do without knowing the facts. Don't rely on what you've heard or think. Armed with the knowledge, even if it's not exactly what you would like, you will be in a better position to make the right choices.

 

For right now unfortunately you do have to keep being strong, for you and your children. But accept any love and support offered by your friends and keep in mind this isn't a permanent situation (unless you allow it to be).

[schlumpy]

It would be pretty easy to rub your nose in the fact that you are where you have put yourself. Your deliberate decision to stay over married over the years was not supported by the obvious evidence of your husbands indiscretions. You allowed yourself to be placed at his financial mercy. You were isolated within a foreign culture. Even though you knew these things were not in your best interest you had more children with him.

 

Even so, as I read your story I found myself liking you. I found it fascinating that you pick up the same old vase that had been shattered by your husband several times and tried to glue it back together. What sheer persistence you have. What dedication and strength to wallow through such adversity.

 

If you had met and chosen the right man, what a match that would have been. Together you could have lived a legendary life.

 

But that's the past and the cold water just splashed in your face is the future.

 

I don't know if not returning to your homeland (It was the UK correct?) is not something to be considered. I understand more than you will know what it does to move away from friends and social life as a teenager. It is tough, but it is not an insurmountable obstacle. Do not stay because of the children.

 

Stay because this is where you have the best financial shot at making a living as well as support from friends and your social network. That has to be the core fact that makes your decision for you.

 

If the UK fits that description you should go back to the UK, although you are perfectly welcome here in the states. We may be a foreign country in your eyes but we can be very friendly at times.

 

As was mentioned before you need a lawyer to get the best exit package possible.

[Mr. Lucky]

I confronted him and he laughed and said "ohhhh! You got me AGAIN!"

 

gettinoverit, I can't decide if you're the world's most forgiving person or its biggest optimist. Because, as schlumpy said, it would be hard to find any other rational reason to spend 15+ years with a man you've caught red-handed so many times I ran out of fingers. SMH...

 

As has been stated, the international nature of your marriage brings its own complications. Get the right attorney and do so NOW. You've wasted an awful lot of time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gettinoverit]

Sorry I thought I had made it pretty clear in the original post the reasons why I didn't leave back then, but I'll have another stab at it:

 

Under the law of his country, there is no shared custody. I could not leave and take the children back to my own country without his permission (which he would not give). Good the Hague Convention for more info, which Japan was not even a signatory to until 2013. I could not live and survive on my own in his country as I was not entitled to any support or help and could not earn enough at that time to support us. He would have applied for and been given full custody and it would have been at his whim as to whether I ever go to see the children.

 

Do you guys have children? Because if you do, you would understand that for them I would put up with anything. They need their mother. Especially in a culture like this one was.

 

Why did I have more children? Because I thought we were trying again. People forgive first affairs right? Try again? I was pregnant with the second when I found out about the second affair. The 3rd was a year old before I found more damning evidence after I thought he had finally grown up.

 

Seems on this board you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Damned if you throw in the towel too easily, and damned if you do everything you can possibly do to hold your family together and give your kids a chance at a life with you as their mother, instead of a highly screwed up grandmother raising them on behalf of her selfish son.

 

Condemn me and judge me all you want. The decisions I made at the time I made as a mother, and I will never regret that. I guess this situation is just impossible for anyone to understand who hasn't been in it. My mistake.

[HeartFullOfSoul]

I’m sorry for the hell you’ve been through. Truly. While I have not been through the wringer to the extent you have I’ve faced my own heartache (the affair, the ambivalence, now the separation and how it affects not only me but my kids). Whoever said “whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” may not have understood what it’s like to suddenly come home and have no one to talk to or share your dinner with, or wake from a dream in the middle of the night only to find that yes, indeed, you are still sleeping alone and wonder how everything went so damn wrong.

 

You’re a brave woman and I admire your tenacity, your selflessness. I also think it’s time you started taking time out for yourself, even if it’s in small ways. I don’t know what part of the US you live in, and I guess it doesn’t much matter, but I would assume you’ve made some casual friends with the parents of your kids’ friends? That’s a start. Maybe a part time job doing something you enjoy, something with a social aspect to it, could open new doors. Or go into business for yourself through the web? Get into an exercise routine. Take this experience, as awful as it’s been at times, and find a way to use it to your gain; maybe go into counseling? Maybe get a teaching credit. Volunteer at a women’s shelter? Just throwing ideas or there. And, when you are ready, I’m sure that you will find a good man who will not care that you’re nearly 50, have kids, have the kind of story you’ve got. Americans love a British accent! (At least I do) Go get em, gettinoverit. Most of all, allow yourself to dream again. Your kids are nearly grown. Now it’s time for your second act. You’ve got a good heart and I’m sure it’s still functional. Be good to yourself because God knows you deserve it.