Bad Decisions husband made

[Chibaby]

To give some background, my kids and I have been out of town for the past month spending the summer with both sets grandparents. My husband is working, so can only visit every other weekend.

 

My issue is this. He works a lot and it's difficult to connect on the phone. We made plans to speak yesterday, but not a specific time. I called and texted with no response. Come to find out he was with some ex-coworkers that he invited to our house. While I am fine with a casual friendship with them outside our home, I do not approve of these men being in my home and around my kids. They have cheated on significant others, lied, and messed around with multiple people in the workplace causing serious drama. They may be "nice" people...but have made choices I don't agree with, and I don't want that kind of energy in my home or around my children. I would like to surround myself with people that have values similar to my own.

 

I'm pretty upset with my husband for not clearing this with me. He knows how I feel about these guys. They could have easily gone to a bar or restaurant. Maybe I'm being crazy. But the thing that bothers me most is he chose to hang with these guys instead of calling his family. He had the entire day to do so, and we never heard from him. His excuse was "I thought you were going to call me earlier"....like he can't pick up the phone. This to me shows he is prioritizing these guys over us. While this may not be the case, I am really irritated and don't even want to talk to him. What should I do? A heart to heart isn't going to make me feel better...neither will robotic apologies...I'm just so furious.

[major_merrick]

To me, it sounds like you are trying to control him. Put the shoe on the other foot for a minute. Does he tell you who you can be friends with? Would you like it if you made the money and he told you where/how to spend it, and gave you a list of activities you couldn't do at the home you pay for? Do you have to ask him for permission to do normal life activities?

 

I get that you might not like his friends, but have they changed how he acts? Is he still the same person you met and married? And he seems to respect your wishes and not bring them home while you and the kids are around...but he's by himself for the summer. Why should he have to shut himself in like a hermit? If your husband and his friends are drinking a bit, wouldn't you prefer them to do that in a safe place like your house, rather than be out driving around intoxicated? Besides, hanging out at home is WAY cheaper than going out to bars and restaurants. To me, gathering at someone's home is the financially responsible choice.

 

I don't always like the amount of time my husband spends working, doing community stuff, or interacting with the guys. But that's part of who he is, and men need to have other male friends or something big is missing from life. If I were you, I'd start by simply asking for some more reliability in the phone calls. Communication is important. Frame this request positively, rather than negatively. Instead of telling him how irritated you are, tell him you miss him and want to hear his voice. Be enticing, rather than demanding.

[Chibaby]

I don't mean to get defensive. Not trying to control him, I don't care if he hangs out with them outside my home. We live within a mile of bars, beaches etc. They can walk, bike, or call an uber/lyft/taxi. He doesn't need to be a hermit. And also, why do you assume he is the only one who contributes financially? It is not HIS home, it's OURS.

 

I don't want people I don't trust in my home. Would you invite people you don't feel comfortable with in your home? Let me give you some perspective - we hired a worker to care for our kids that we had to call police on for neglecting/abandoning them while we were at work. We had to change our lives dramatically so I could be their caretaker during the day. Maybe I am overprotective of my home and children, but I had to learn the hard way who to trust. Perhaps that will give you perspective on why I'm so furious.

[Flame Aura]

I don't mean to get defensive. Not trying to control him, I don't care if he hangs out with them outside my home. We live within a mile of bars, beaches etc. They can walk, bike, or call an uber/lyft/taxi. He doesn't need to be a hermit. And also, why do you assume he is the only one who contributes financially? It is not HIS home, it's OURS.

 

I don't want people I don't trust in my home. Would you invite people you don't feel comfortable with in your home? Let me give you some perspective - we hired a worker to care for our kids that we had to call police on for neglecting/abandoning them while we were at work. We had to change our lives dramatically so I could be their caretaker during the day. Maybe I am overprotective of my home and children, but I had to learn the hard way who to trust. Perhaps that will give you perspective on why I'm so furious.

Contradicting much? You say it is 'our' home but when it suits you its suddenly 'my' home.

 

 

I'm 100% with major_merrick. The main problem here is you both not talking when you agreed, which is something you should talk to him about, and tell him that you wanted to talk to him because you miss him and he can call you without waiting for you to call him.

 

 

Wanting him to 'clear it with you first' about bringing his friends/coworkers/whatever to the house is way too controlling. Your kids were not even there so I don't get why you are even mentioning about not wanting them to be around the kids.

 

 

And staying at home for a few drinks instead of going to a bar etc is a WAY more sensible idea.

[preraph]

You don't want them around your home or children. It's also his home and children, you know. I think he did well just waiting until you, who he knows doesn't like them, were out of town.

[Timshel]

Your husband is partying while you are out of town. He doesn't want to call or answer the phone when he is having fun with the guys in your family's home.

I get it.

 

If it's important, cut your vacation short without notice.

If it isn't, then wait until you are home for the weekend and have a talk.

[Chibaby]

OK I'm feeling pretty attacked. I wonder if you all weighing in have children. Yes, I said 'my home,'...to clarify it's OUR home. I understand it goes both ways. Sorry I typed "my" too many times. I can edit it if it pleases you.

 

I am not a controlling person. He can hang out with whoever he wants. But I am extremely protective of my children after what we have been through. I don't want people I don't trust around them or their living space. We are not there, but all of our things were there. People WE don't trust can see where they sleep, where the windows are, how to get into the home, what we own...I just don't like it.

[Redhead14]

It is his home as much as it is yours. You are not there and he is not a juvenile teenager being left home alone. I assume your children are with you? If so, there's no harm for them. He does not need your permission to have his friends over when you're not there.

 

 

 

You need to let this go. To me it sounds like you are looking for a reason to make your exit or there is something else you are upset about but using this as a lever.

[Tamfana]

I hear you on not wanting certain people around your kids but the kids were with you. If your husband's party was just for his guy friends and the kids were with you, it's fine.

[major_merrick]

I don't mean to get defensive. Not trying to control him, I don't care if he hangs out with them outside my home. We live within a mile of bars, beaches etc. They can walk, bike, or call an uber/lyft/taxi. He doesn't need to be a hermit. And also, why do you assume he is the only one who contributes financially? It is not HIS home, it's OURS.

 

I don't want people I don't trust in my home. Would you invite people you don't feel comfortable with in your home? Let me give you some perspective - we hired a worker to care for our kids that we had to call police on for neglecting/abandoning them while we were at work. We had to change our lives dramatically so I could be their caretaker during the day. Maybe I am overprotective of my home and children, but I had to learn the hard way who to trust. Perhaps that will give you perspective on why I'm so furious.

 

 

If the house belongs to both of you, then it is reasonable that both of you have the use of it. If he has to ask you for permission for something reasonable like inviting friends over, then is it really HIS house too? He has respected your wishes by not having his friends around you and your kids. You and the kids are gone right now.

 

I assumed you weren't contributing financially since you are able to go away with your kids for a summer. Most people with jobs can't do that. Even still, your husband is by your own admission working a ton of hours. Probably to pay bills. So he's got the right to use his own house! Partners should be able to make reasonable requests, but in a joint ownership situation, let me say that the way you describe your attitude toward him sounds heavy-handed. Believe me, I understand (more than most people) about being protective and territorial. I don't open my house to just anybody. But my husband's friends? At a certain point, it isn't my right to totally say no. If you have an equal relationship, you don't get to give your partner orders. You make requests of each other, you convince and debate, but you don't coerce.

 

To me, it sounds like you've got definite security issues. Your husband's friends aren't the issue at all - they don't sound like the burglar/kidnapper type. Security is your core issue due to your past experiences. I get that, because I feel the same way. You and your husband need to have a chat about beefing up the security of your home. If the idea of guests seeing where your kids sleep and seeing the location of windows is an issue for you, there's dividers you can install in your house to restrict access to certain areas, and you can armor your windows to be break-proof. My house is a concrete fortress with automated security and many other features. I have peace of mind.

 

Step one for you is to encourage communication. Relax a bit, and realize you can't control or undo what's been done. You're not going to solve this over the phone, and you have to stay positive so you don't alienate your husband. When you return, do a walk-through of your house and address each specific weakness. Develop a plan together to fix those weaknesses. Doing it together can be a bonding project, and it will help him see things through your eyes. Rather than giving orders, ask for help. It gives a conversation a totally different tone. There's a way you can achieve most of what you want, but tone and words matter.

[Curiousroxy86]

Chi

 

I understand how you feel. You don’t like these guys or the energy they bring and you don’t want that around your kids and you don’t want those kind of people in your home. I get it. That doesn’t make you wrong

 

However

 

Did you specifically communicate to your husband that you would not want these guys in your home?

 

If not then I would say that it isn’t exactly fair to your husband to be super upset at him because he can’t read your mind

 

He may know that you don’t like his friends. But he may not have known that you would flip out about inviting them to your house. He probably thought waiting till you were gone was the best move because he knows you don’t like them. He probably didnt think you would take issue.

 

If you said to him “babe your friends are your friends and I don’t have a problem with you hanging out with whoever you want but I don’t want them coming to the house or being around the kids” and he agreed? theeeeen I would think you have great cause to be super pissed. But if you didn’t communicate this then I would think you should take some of the heat off your anger. You can be initially annoyed or mad that he brought them around knowing you don’t like them but have a heart of forgiveness towards your hubby if you know full well you haven’t communicated specifically some rule about the type of guests you want in the house.

 

At this point the only thing you can do is communicate how you feel to your husband. I wouldn’t come at him angry. Nobody would want to talk to someone who come at them angry. You wouldn’t. If you come at him sweet-like...”babe I understand you want guy time. I would appreciate it if the next time you hang out with your buddies you do so outside the house. I really don’t like their behavior and I don’t want to bring that energy around the kids. Would you be willing to do that for me babe?”. A guy would be more inclined to listen and give you that request if you come at him sweet and loving.

 

Good luck

Edited August 17, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[basil67]

I understand that you don't like the life choices of these guys, but from your description, I can't see that your home or your children are at risk from them. You've written nothing about criminal behaviour. Honestly, I think it's perfectly reasonable that he have some mates over when you're away.

[Vanity1]

To give some background, my kids and I have been out of town for the past month spending the summer with both sets grandparents. My husband is working, so can only visit every other weekend.

 

My issue is this. He works a lot and it's difficult to connect on the phone. We made plans to speak yesterday, but not a specific time. I called and texted with no response. Come to find out he was with some ex-coworkers that he invited to our house. While I am fine with a casual friendship with them outside our home, I do not approve of these men being in my home and around my kids. They have cheated on significant others, lied, and messed around with multiple people in the workplace causing serious drama. They may be "nice" people...but have made choices I don't agree with, and I don't want that kind of energy in my home or around my children. I would like to surround myself with people that have values similar to my own.

 

I'm pretty upset with my husband for not clearing this with me. He knows how I feel about these guys. They could have easily gone to a bar or restaurant. Maybe I'm being crazy. But the thing that bothers me most is he chose to hang with these guys instead of calling his family. He had the entire day to do so, and we never heard from him. His excuse was "I thought you were going to call me earlier"....like he can't pick up the phone. This to me shows he is prioritizing these guys over us. While this may not be the case, I am really irritated and don't even want to talk to him. What should I do? A heart to heart isn't going to make me feel better...neither will robotic apologies...I'm just so furious.

 

It's his house too.

 

If you don't trust your man around those types of men, sounds like a personal issue within yourself. Insecurity? Lack of trust in your relationship? Stop blaming them for your issues. You're mad because he could have a good time without you. You're overreacting IMO.

[The Outlaw]

I get the need to protect your children, but just because he invited them over to your home, doesn't necessarily mean he will do it again. Just try not to worry about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

To give some background, my kids and I have been out of town for the past month spending the summer with both sets grandparents.

 

While I am fine with a casual friendship with them outside our home, I do not approve of these men being in my home and around my kids.

 

I'm trying to understand how these men are around your kids if you and the kids are away?

 

I'll also add, he's working hard so you and the kids can spend the summer traveling. Cut him some slack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

This is not an issue you should create a huge grievance over.

 

The other posters are correct in that you must recognize that he has a right to use the house to entertain his friends. You can assert your displeasure but it may only create a friction point in your marriage and not resolve your issue.

 

I agree with you that I don't like casual friends to see what I own. It's not that I worry about them, but people talk. Let's say you have hummel collection worth thirty thousand dollars. Your casual friend talks to his casual friends until it gets into the wrong ears.

 

Someone steals the collection when you are gone and the chain of events that led up to the theft is so tenuous that the police are useless.

 

There is some validity to your fears but I think if you let your husband know that he can keep the bragging and showmanship to a minimum. Most people cannot live like monks and that means taking a risk on a friendship so your best bet is to find a compromise.

[Lotsgoingon]

I have a different view than the others here.

 

I think it's good you are upset with husband's actions. Look, most of the time in relationship, we may not "love" our partner's friends. You directly dislike and fully disrespect these friends and you think they are so bad that they are a threat to your children's moral wellbeing. That's different.

 

I'm seeing this as the tip of some larger problems. If you think your husband's friends are horrible, unworthy people, then you and your husband have some serious problems going on. There are deeper, more serious problems with the marriage.

 

Sounds to me, if I were to guess, that you haven't found a way to assert yourself or a way to direct and shape the relationship. And so you are making a huge deal out of this incident.

 

Frankly, I don't see why going to a bar with bad friends is much better than having bad friends at the house. So the issue isn't that he invited them home. The issue is you don't like your husband's judgment on a hugely important issue--friends.

 

OK, I'm trying to be understated here. I'll drop that. I sense you don't like your husband, don't respect him ... think he makes terrible decisions ... I'm betting you are miserable in the marriage.

 

Contrary to what others have said, I don't think you are controlling. Of course, I'd have to know more details. So you might want to say more about the marriage as a whole to help us see the context of this complaint.

 

This cannot be the main issue you're mad about. This is just the issue you have grabbed.

[Timshel]

To give some background, my kids and I have been out of town for the past month spending the summer with both sets grandparents. My husband is working, so can only visit every other weekend.

 

My issue is this. He works a lot and it's difficult to connect on the phone. We made plans to speak yesterday, but not a specific time. I called and texted with no response. Come to find out he was with some ex-coworkers that he invited to our house. While I am fine with a casual friendship with them outside our home, I do not approve of these men being in my home and around my kids. They have cheated on significant others, lied, and messed around with multiple people in the workplace causing serious drama. They may be "nice" people...but have made choices I don't agree with, and I don't want that kind of energy in my home or around my children. I would like to surround myself with people that have values similar to my own.

 

I'm pretty upset with my husband for not clearing this with me. He knows how I feel about these guys. They could have easily gone to a bar or restaurant. Maybe I'm being crazy. But the thing that bothers me most is he chose to hang with these guys instead of calling his family. He had the entire day to do so, and we never heard from him. His excuse was "I thought you were going to call me earlier"....like he can't pick up the phone. This to me shows he is prioritizing these guys over us. While this may not be the case, I am really irritated and don't even want to talk to him. What should I do? A heart to heart isn't going to make me feel better...neither will robotic apologies...I'm just so furious.

 

 

Chibaby, you don't trust your husband. This is important. Why choose to be away from your husband the whole summer?

[Mrin]

Chibaby, you don't trust your husband. This is important. Why choose to be away from your husband the whole summer?

 

This.

 

Also, I am parent and I think you are being too controlling. If these guys were into drug use or criminals then that would be another story.

[Timshel]

I hope Chibaby comes back to respond Mrin. I think this may be worry of infidelity? More than criminal behavior. OP clearly does not trust her husband's judgement but at the same time chose to be away.

It would be helpful Chibaby to clarify your concerns.

 

 

Edit to add...maybe they have talked and she is over it now.

Edited August 18, 2019 by Timshel

[Buffer]

If the house belongs to both of you, then it is reasonable that both of you have the use of it. If he has to ask you for permission for something reasonable like inviting friends over, then is it really HIS house too? He has respected your wishes by not having his friends around you and your kids. You and the kids are gone right now.

 

I assumed you weren't contributing financially since you are able to go away with your kids for a summer. Most people with jobs can't do that. Even still, your husband is by your own admission working a ton of hours. Probably to pay bills. So he's got the right to use his own house! Partners should be able to make reasonable requests, but in a joint ownership situation, let me say that the way you describe your attitude toward him sounds heavy-handed. Believe me, I understand (more than most people) about being protective and territorial. I don't open my house to just anybody. But my husband's friends? At a certain point, it isn't my right to totally say no. If you have an equal relationship, you don't get to give your partner orders. You make requests of each other, you convince and debate, but you don't coerce.

 

To me, it sounds like you've got definite security issues. Your husband's friends aren't the issue at all - they don't sound like the burglar/kidnapper type. Security is your core issue due to your past experiences. I get that, because I feel the same way. You and your husband need to have a chat about beefing up the security of your home. If the idea of guests seeing where your kids sleep and seeing the location of windows is an issue for you, there's dividers you can install in your house to restrict access to certain areas, and you can armor your windows to be break-proof. My house is a concrete fortress with automated security and many other features. I have peace of mind....

 

Not having a go at you but major_merrick raises a lot of good points.

 

How is the personal communication between your husband and you?

I have friends my spouse doesn’t want me to hang with, but they are my friends so I do but not when she is around. As you are out of town with the kids (I believe they are with you). So I don’t really see the issue.

 

Now if their morals are low and the are known to be cheating on their significant others, then I can clearly understand your issue. You don’t want your home to be the bang pad for them. Again communication with hubby to get this across to him.

Do you trust your husband not to cheat whilst with these cheating friends?

[BettyDraper]

Many of the LS members who have responded to you are parents.

 

I understand that you might be traumatized due to your past experience with a childminder but you shouldn't punish your husband with extremely controlling behavior. What that childminder did has nothing to do with your husband.

 

Based on what you have posted, it appears that your husband may have wanted a break from your dictatorial personality and that is why he was not contacting you when you agreed to.

 

I'm wondering if your husband did something terrible in the past and that is why you do not trust or respect him. Married couples share houses and it isn't fair for only one spouse to harshly dictate who can visit-unless there is some kind of deviant behavior such as aforementioned criminal activity.

 

If you continue to be this domineering, your husband will come to resent you if he doesn't already. He may also "rebel" in different ways which could ruin your marriage.

 

Your children are with you so they cannot be influenced by the friends you dislike.

[Mr. Lucky]

People WE don't trust can see where they sleep, where the windows are, how to get into the home, what we own...I just don't like it.

 

The only described basis for this lack of trust is second-hand knowledge "they have cheated on significant others" and drama in the workplace.

 

Seems a stretch to propose they're casing your house for B&E.

 

As other have said, I'm going to guess this is more about your husband and relationship than his friends...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

You are not there and he is not a juvenile teenager being left home alone.

My guess she trusts neither her husband nor his pals to behave any differently than juvenile teenagers when she is not there.

Alcohol can be a nightmare.

At least in a bar he would get thrown out for drinking too much.

 

The OP "knows" this will not end well. As she is concerned about these guys being cheaters, I guess she thinks there may be strange women partying in her house, her bedroom, her kids bedroom...

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this may be worry of infidelity? More than criminal behavior. OP clearly does not trust her husband's judgement but at the same time chose to be away.

 

That is exactly what I took away from this thread, too.

 

Some of these guys are known cheaters, apparently. This is how I read it: OP tries to reach her husband, can't, finds out later he's hanging out with these men - and OP's mind starts racing and wondering and worrying if hubs is on the prowl too and maybe that is the real reason he didn't answer her. The anger towards the friends and husband reveals - to me - a lot of fear that he isn't behaving himself when OP's head is turned.

 

OP, let me ask you: has your husband ever given you a concrete reason not to trust him? Have you two struggled with similar issues in the past.