Problems with a close female friend who likes me...

[High_hopes]

Hello and thank you in advance...

 

I am a 50yr old man who just moved from one coast to another to start a new life. After arriving in my new location I reached out to an old female high school friend who invited me to a gathering at her house. It was late and we were drinking. I felt she was flirting while we were alone in a spare room. I had a lot to drink as did she and we ended up kissing. She wanted more but I pulled back because I almost immediately thought it wasn't a good idea because she was a little drunk.

 

The next day I regretted it. Ultimately, the kiss didn't mean anything to me. It was just a kiss. I hardly know this person anymore. Being in a new place, not knowing anyone and having a need to build new friendships is important to me. A week went by and she called me very upset late at night drunk asking me why I kissed her and why I never pursued anything more. I explained to her that although I find her attractive that I didn't want anything more than a friendship. She seemed to have understood at the time. In some ways I don't regret the kiss. It was fun but in other ways I wish it never happened.

 

Fast forward a few months and she has become a close friend. She's one of only a handful of people I actually know. It's very difficult to meet new friends at my age while being in a new place. She has helped and continues to help me in many ways and I value the friendship. We get together a few times a month for a drink and just talk. I've gotten the impression several times that she likes me. I even have felt that she has guarded me from one of her friends. At times I find myself trying not give her the wrong impression. Although we get together with just us I also try to get together only when other people are around. That for "some reason" never works out. It's become a conscious thing which has led me to think we can't be friends but I want her to be in my life..as a friend.

 

We got together the other day and we were talking about simple everyday things. Life, current events, etc...the topic of dating life came up and I mentioned I had a terrible date with someone. The night ended with a 11pm text message calling me an ass%#$.. and that she didn't want to talk to me for a while..She told me I hurt her feelings but wouldn't say why.

 

Last night I said I wanted to find out why and she asked to stop by for a talk. She accused me of lying and deceiving her about my dating. I didn't know what she was talking about. She told me I told her I didn't want to date her because I didn't want a relationship at this time and for me to be talking to her about dating hurt her feelings. She even brought up that kiss again. I explained to her that's not what I said. It certainly isn't what I meant. I went on to explain that I value her friendship and that I don't want to do anything that may disrupt that friendship. I told her I apologize if she misunderstood. I said that although I do not want to date her that I do ultimately want to meet someone.

 

The fact of the matter is that I do find this person is very attractive, we get along good for the most part but based on what I see out of the time we've spent together we ultimately wouldn't get along. We actually don't have a lot in common either. I think it would be a risk pursuing anything with her. I wouldn't want to do something that would ultimately hurt her and destroy the friendship. In addition she is highly sensitive and easily hurt. I try to handle it with sensitivity. I've said everything last night except 'I am just not interested in you' I want to maintain the friendship, I value the friendship and want to be able to have discussions as you would with a friend with out hurting her feelings.

 

I feel even after our discussion last night I should be a little more direct. I don't have confidence at the moment that the message got through. Does anyone have any advise on how to handle maintaining the friendship or how I can maybe be more direct without hurting her.

[Flame Aura]

If you think you can stay friends with her then you are very much mistaken.

 

 

She has made it clear she likes you and get's upset when you mention other dates. What part of that makes you think being 'friends' is a good idea? You really think the moment you do find someone to be in a relationship she is going to want to hear about it?

 

 

Leave her alone and let her be and find new friends.

[High_hopes]

If you think you can stay friends with her then you are very much mistaken.

 

 

She has made it clear she likes you and get's upset when you mention other dates. What part of that makes you think being 'friends' is a good idea? You really think the moment you do find someone to be in a relationship she is going to want to hear about it?

 

 

Leave her alone and let her be and find new friends.

 

 

In response. She actively dates and when you say 'other' dates it implies we are dating. Your last sentence...I'm not sure if you meant it in an aggressive way but it comes off like it. Leave her alone ? As if I'm bothering her or doing something wrong.

 

Even if I pulled back our friendship I don't want to alienate this person. Her friendship means a lot as do the business contacts she has helped me create that are friends of hers. She may not want to hear about any relationship I eventually enter but as an adult she should not only get passed it but support me and be happy I found someone. We're way ahead of ourselves here in the discussion but we aren't teenagers.

 

I certainly do not want to severe the friendship.

Edited August 17, 2019 by High_hopes

[schlumpy]

You're her friend, right? How about helping her find some dates? You must meet some men once in awhile that she might match up with. That way you can save your friendship with her and she can meet her needs also.

[High_hopes]

You're her friend, right? How about helping her find some dates? You must meet some men once in awhile that she might match up with. That way you can save your friendship with her and she can meet her needs also.

 

I would certainly do that if the opportunity presents itself.

[Flame Aura]

In response. She actively dates and when you say 'other' dates it implies we are dating. Your last sentence...I'm not sure if you meant it in an aggressive way but it comes off like it. Leave her alone ? As if I'm bothering her or doing something wrong.

 

Even if I pulled back our friendship I don't want to alienate this person. Her friendship means a lot as do the business contacts she has helped me create that are friends of hers. She may not want to hear about any relationship I eventually enter but as an adult she should not only get passed it but support me and be happy I found someone. We're way ahead of ourselves here in the discussion but we aren't teenagers.

 

I certainly do not want to severe the friendship.

To be honest you are acting like a teenager... thinking you can still be friends with her for your own selfish reasons.. which you just proved with "business contacts she has helped me create".

 

 

No she should not 'get passed that but support you and be happy you found someone else'. Do you only think about yourself??? Try thinking about her feelings.

 

 

She told you she wants to date you. She kissed you. She got upset when you mentioned you went on another date. And all you seem to care about is keeping this 'friendship' so you can keep your business contacts.

 

 

Seriously you are acting like a 15 year old not 50. Sever the friendship is exactly what you need to do for HER not for YOU. Jheeze.

[High_hopes]

To be honest you are acting like a teenager... thinking you can still be friends with her for your own selfish reasons.. which you just proved with "business contacts she has helped me create".

 

 

No she should not 'get passed that but support you and be happy you found someone else'. Do you only think about yourself??? Try thinking about her feelings.

 

 

She told you she wants to date you. She kissed you. She got upset when you mentioned you went on another date. And all you seem to care about is keeping this 'friendship' so you can keep your business contacts.

 

Seriously you are acting like a 15 year old not 50. Sever the friendship is exactly what you need to do for HER not for YOU. Jheeze.

 

Honestly, you are you taking one thing I said making it the focal point of the entire discussion and you are assuming that is my motivation. You couldn't be more incorrect and you're reading into it.

 

I am wondering if some may argue that severing the friendship will hurt her feelings more than anything else would. I don't think saying you can't be friends with someone because they are attracted to you is the only solution nor do I think wanting to remain friends with someone is a selfish thing but that's my opinion.

 

You have your opinion and I appreciate the response. I know you feel I should severe the friendship and that I am being selfish. Thanks for the feedback and your time. I look forward to hearing other responses. Have a great day.

[salparadise]

I had a similar situation recently. We never kissed, but we met through a dating site several years ago. I never pursued anything romantic after the initial meeting. We got together a few times (at her suggestion) and I thought at first that she wanted to date. However I wasn't physically attracted, nor was she the type (personality wise) that I was interested in. So I did nothing to encourage it.

 

Over the last year we started doing things together as friends occasionally, which was mostly going to a local brewery for a beer, listen to music and talk. I thought it was nice to have a female friend to do things with. Like you, we were both single and dating, but not each other. I even helped her set up a profile on a dating site.

 

Then one day I texted her about new dating prospects. She didn't react well. To make a long story short, she ended up sending me a long letter saying that she had a huge crush on me, and since I had no interest in her trying to act like friends wasn't going to work. We haven't been in touch for a couple of months until yesterday. She sent a message and updated me on her work and activities. She said she didn't expect a response (but I'm guessing she actually does).

 

Anyway, the gist of it is with opposite sex friends it's not uncommon for one to catch feelings, and when that happens things are different. You can't expect the one with the crush to pretend it doesn't exist. It doesn't work that way. You can still hold each other in high regard and perhaps check in occasionally, but spending time as buddies is pretty much a thing of the past.

 

You're going to have to let her go even if you don't want to. It's just the way things work. Think about how it would be if the roles were reversed.

[spiritedaway2003]

I don't think you can be "friends" in this case, since she has caught some feelings for you.

 

>>>I don't think saying you can't be friends with someone because they are attracted to you is the only solution

 

I won't go into my personal experience, but will say this. Each case might be different. If you really think you can be friends with this woman, talk to her honestly and let her know that you're just not interested in her. Let her decide if she still wants to hang out with you as "friends". No point debating if it's possible to be friends; you will have your answer quickly enough.

 

Also, please don't kiss a woman if you don't think "the kiss didn't mean anything to me. It was just a kiss". That is one hell of a mixed signal. If a guy kissed me, I would think he's interested. I don't know how to read it any other way. Just saying.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think it's clear from her responses to your rejection and talk of dating other women that your continued friendship is causing her a lot of hurt and confusion.

 

It appears her feelings for you are growing rather than going away, and she is hoping that things will become romantic eventually. Her behavior makes that obvious.

 

You may think a platonic friendship is fine, but that isn't what she wants. Know that every nice thing she does for you is because she has feelings for you and wants more. It doesn't matter what way you try to gently let her down, those feelings and hopes aren't going to go away because in her eyes you keep coming back.

 

Most guys would have backed off as soon as they received the late night drunk call upset about a one off kiss you had when you were both drunk. By not backing off, she took that as encouragement.

 

In her eyes, a man who isn't interest wouldn't be so desperate to hold on to friendship if he didn't have feelings for her. She doesn't understand that your primary motives are based on being in a new city without a support network or many close friends.

 

Can you see now why she has the wrong idea?

[Lotsgoingon]

This woman is not a friend. She is someone you are spending casual time with because there is no one else around.

 

She's definitely unhealthy and odd ... those calls ... kissing and wanting more ... so soon ... She is not very balanced. Quit pretending you can be friends. You can't. You don't want to.

 

And ... the kiss just happens to be the spark in this particular case. It seems quite clear to me ... that had you not tried to kiss her ... you would have run into problems.

 

You're 50 ... that's young! (I'm 57.) Get out to meetups, activities, lectures, go have dinner and sit at the bar ... find what you like and go do it ... social dancing ... dance lessons ... museum tours ... historic tours ... volleyball league ... whatever ... When you're 50, you have to actively go out and meet folks ... absolutely! ... Doesn't just happen, like it sometimes does (not always) for younger people. But meeting people is quite doable.

 

Hanging with this woman is a time-kill ... a waste of time ... not advancing your agenda of meeting balanced, healthy people.

[funbeasts]

so many people who say these ideas are boring, yet they don't offer up any ideas of their own...

just want to say thank you for your suggestions.

Keep up the awesome work!

[High_hopes]

Thank you and everyone who has offered input. I appreciate everyones time...

 

It's unfortunate because I do like her as a friend and I appreciate her for the things she has done to help me in my new home. She has been helpful in more than one way. This is also someone who I knew when we were young and have occasionally crossed paths with through the years. I thought it was great that I knew someone here and she welcomed me into her inner circle.

 

After the things some of you have said I realize that maybe I have been the one being naive to her intentions when I thought she was just being a friend.

 

I've decided that the best course is to be cautious in sending the wrong message. If 'she' wants to be just friends then it'll know. I'm not going to contact her as much or accept her invitations as often. I'm just backing off.