Frustrated and hurt

[balletomane]

New member here. To cut a long story short: I was diagnosed with PTSD after I left a violent abusive relationship. For years I was unable even to think about getting that close to someone again, but recently, thanks to good therapy and the support and encouragement of my friends, I felt ready to try.

 

My new partner was a friend who knew about my trauma. We'd been interested in each other for a few months, and we were both aware of it, but we knew we had to proceed slowly for my sake. He was very compassionate, he listened well, we were communicating openly - everything seemed fine. When we got together, it all felt like the most natural and 'right' thing.

 

We were together for only four weeks. Almost overnight, he went from telling me how much he cared about me and how wonderful it was to be with me to saying he felt too uncomfortable and scared to continue in the relationship. And I do mean literally overnight. This change was effected in twelve hours, with no trigger that I could see.

 

Since then I have found out from a close mutual friend who has known him for a lot longer than I have that he has a habit of being what she calls "epically flaky" with people. She told me that she had been "worried about his changeability", and that if I'd asked her advice before getting into the relationship "I would have warned you about his tendency to overthink things and then run away."

 

I've found this very difficult and painful. It cost me a lot to even try a new relationship, and I feel as if I was just finding my feet when it ended - only to discover that my feet have in fact been cut off/the floor is gone. One of the big things I really stressed to him before we got together was my need for consistency and reliability. Those are important to most people, obviously, but the stakes are higher when you're recovering from trauma. I don't understand why he even persisted with me if he knew that he had a history of being the opposite of reliable in his romantic relationships.

 

I don't know what I really hope to gain from posting here, other than chance to vent, but if anyone has been in a similar situation and has advice I'd be glad to hear it. We parted on cordial terms, but I have now initiated a period of no contact to give myself time to feel a little less dreadful.

Edited August 17, 2019 by balletomane

[preraph]

I'm sorry. It is just unfortunately true that just being friends with someone beforehand doesn't mean you know who the person is once you're dating him. You think you already have them sorted and they get you and it's all mutual, but then just because now it's "a relationship," things go askew.

 

He just probably isn't mature enough (and may never be) for a relationship. He said he was scared, so it was too much responsibility for him.

 

On the other hand, you were doing very well progressing, so you need to get over this little shock and setback and disappointment and be happy that you WILL be able to have a relationship again one day when the right person comes along. Good luck.

[basil67]

He undoubtedly had all these good feelings with you and thought this time it would be different. Except his old habits kicked back in. So often, people believe they can do something in theory, but practice turns out to be different.

 

You've come so far with your therapy. When you overcome this (and I have no doubt that you will) you will come out the other side knowing that you are now also able to survive a breakup and move on. It will be a big tick for your newfound resilience.

[balletomane]

Thank you. I think you're both right and it's just a temporary set-back. One thing my violent ex used to do was flip from being extremely affectionate to being violent in the space of seconds, and because of this I get very unnerved by unpredictability. Of course no one's predictable all the time (including me!) but the rapidity with which things changed did bring up difficult memories, and I felt as if I were slipping back and losing the ground I'd gained.

 

One sign of progress is that I'm actually quite angry with my now-ex. I really struggled to feel anger with my abuser (partly because I was always so terrified of him and blaming myself for what went on), and learning to recognise that I'm allowed to feel hurt and angry has been a big part of my therapy. I don't think badly of my now-ex as a person (I think this was down to fears and insecurities of his own, as opposed to him being selfish and uncaring) but I'm definitely angry with him for not being more self-reflective at the outset and for putting me in an unnecessarily difficult position. I made sure we parted on good terms and then went NC to give myself time to cope with the emotional fallout, so my self-care is definitely better than it was in the past. We have friends in common, so I'll probably see him again, but I hope when I do I've recovered from this situation. I have moments where I feel OK and moments where I definitely don't...

[balletomane]

Two weeks of no contact.

 

I miss the friendship a lot more than the relationship. I wish it were possible to just seamlessly go back to that, but it isn't, so that's that. I'm trying to expand my friendship circle and give more time to other friends. I'm going to have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a couple of months on Thursday. (Note to self: do NOT let the entire conversation disintegrate into a discussion of breakup and ex. Rant about him for five minutes maximum, if that.) I've also joined Bumble BFF, and I've met a woman who lives close by and has similar hobbies and interests. She seems nice, so we'll meet for coffee sometime soon.

 

I'm going to sign up for an adult beginner ballet class. I always wanted to try ballet, but the idea makes me feel self-conscious. No time like the present. Perhaps I will look back on this horrible painful situation as the time I stopped being self-conscious and went out and did lots of interesting stuff.

[Fekenaws]

"We were together for only four weeks. Almost overnight, he went from telling me how much he cared about me and how wonderful it was to be with me to saying he felt too uncomfortable and scared to continue in the relationship."

 

Done, you said it all right there. He told you on no uncertain terms that he didn't want to continue the relationship. Be thankful it was only 4 weeks, it may not seem this way now but he did you a serious favor. On to the next!

[balletomane]

I'm not hoping to get back together with him and I don't need help understanding his intentions. What he said is already crystal clear to me. As I said in my original post, I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation - e.g. embarking on a new relationship when suffering from PTSD, and then having it end abruptly.

 

"On to the next!" may seem like obvious and well-meaning advice to you, but it's just not practical for anyone who has PTSD for the reasons I have it. It would be damaging for me and probably for anyone I date if I just try to move on as if nothing happened. Brief relationships with abrupt endings are difficult for someone who has a trauma-related fear of unpredictability in a way they wouldn't be for someone who's never had those experiences. I need to deal with the impact of this before I'll be ready to try again. For now I'm focusing on making sure I stay sociable and keep myself busy.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry and I can see why you feel hurt. Four weeks is not a long time but it is long enough to become attached to someone.

 

From what your friend said, this guy has a history of this type of behaviour. It is a real pity your friend did not say something sooner.

 

I think what you need to remember is that this is his pattern of behaviour; in other words, it is actually nothing to do with you. He would probably have done this with anyone.

 

It is a shame you have been subjected to this car-crash of a guy's dating behaviour. One thing I would say is not to get attached to anyone until you have been dating them for a while - say 6 months. Early days are just that, very early stages of dating and people are learning about each other. It is too early for patterns of behaviour to become apparent but they will out in the end.

 

It is a pity we cannot get references on people we date because some should probably not be out there messing around with people's hearts.

 

I know it is hard for you to come to terms with this and to pick yourself up again after the shock, but you will gradually start to feel better. You were not at fault in any way; you were sincere; you have clearly got a lot to offer the right guy. With or without trauma, anyone could have had the same thing happen with someone like him.

 

You've come a long way. Don't let this idiot be a setback in your recovery. He should be nothing more than a minor blip on the way to finding someone special.