Am I losing my wife?

[Jeg779]

I’m not even 100% sure how to do scribe the situation. My Wife of 10 years has not been happy for awhile. As a struggling artist she had to take up a career she hates, but is good at. She has lost all creative outputs and I have done very little to help. She has sacrificed so much for our family (3 boys) and myself.

On her birthday, last week she was taken out by some friends, and she got black out drunk. She doesn’t normally drink at all. When she got home at 4am I knew she was going to have a long hard day, as I had to travel that day to pick up our son from another state. I left at 630am, before I hit the road I grabbed her phone to set an alarm and write a calendar note to say I love you happy birthday. 1st thing that pops up are these text from some guy. They were pretty sexual on his part and I saw a few lines of her saying I love you and stuff. I blow up. Rip the covers off of her yelling and screaming, she’s freaking out still drunk. I have to leave to pick our kid up regardless. She admits that a friend she new 20 years ago had texted her happy birthday and that she got carried away with the attention. That coupled with the alcohol and bad choices were made. I felt betrayed! Emotional betrayal.

 

Fast forward 5 days and she is saying she can’t forgive herself. As she came from a family where the father was a adulterous. And it destroyed their lives. Her parents are still together but she claims it was with a life time of resentment. She isn’t sure she can stay with me because she doesn’t want me to feel that way. I’ve told her repeatedly it sucks, I’m hurt, but we can survive this and be better. What I didn’t realize was that this would awaken the sleeping demon. All the resentment she built up over the years of taking care of the family and working and not being herself. I knew she was depressed and didn’t really try to help. Her first marriage as an abusive one and she had told me she got through her depression on her own.

This whole 10 years I’ve thought i was her knight in shinning armor and things were going great.

Now I feel horrible and I’m the one begging her to stay and she says we will work on it, and that she’s waiting to not be invisible anymore.

 

So my personality is to attack, I’ve been laying it on thick. Love letters, flowers, gifts. I just want some ideas as to am I in over my head? Is this the right thing to do. We both know we have work to do, but the more I think, the crappier I realize I have been.

[Marc878]

The BS syndrome. Very typical. My wife just wouldn't do this!!!! It's not who she is. Yep, it sure is part of who she is. You need to wake up to your new reality.

This happens all the time and your wife is nothing special just very typical cheating wife.

 

I caused her to cheat!!!! Is Total BS

 

She made a very willing and conscious decision to cheat because she wanted to.

 

The alcohol had nothing to do with it. If you dig you may find they've been in contact awhile. It just didn't happen one night. Go online and check your phone bill.

 

You need to wake up and quit kidding yourself

[Beendaredonedat]

If you want this to work out then start searching for a good marriage counselor where you BOTH will need to work to get back the connection.

 

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you but don't try to do it on your own... talk to her and see if she is willing to go to MC with you.

[Doorstopper]

It certainly possible that what your wife said is true, but its also possible that as your wife seemingly started down a road to depression she found an outlet in someone. Perhaps this person, maybe someone else. You need to check text logs on your phone bill to find out who your wife has been talking to. It may be that " I'm not sure I can stay with you" is coming from a place where it is easier to separate, than to tell the truth about an emotional (EA) or perhaps a physical affair (PA) that has been going on.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the chance that there was more going on than birthday texts, is quite high.

 

I've been through all of this. With or without an affair component you're may be in over your head. You likely can not solve your wife's depression if it involves more than your apathy towards her. Flowers, candies, and general niceties, wont help much. Not that its not a bad thing to continue, but at an overbearing level it makes you look weak. She likely needs IC, individual counseling and at some point MC is likely a good idea.

 

If there is an affair component, you should stop with the niceties and read up on the 180. You don't want to give your wife the impression that you are playing a "pick me" game and will do anything to win her back. This gives her all the power and control.

 

Good Luck! I hope this is much less than it appears to be.

Edited August 17, 2019 by Doorstopper

[lana-banana]

Counseling, counseling, counseling. If you're both sincere about a desire to work through this together then I'm sure you can. But she needs to understand why she cheated and what she intends to do to prevent that in the future. It sounds like she's experiencing a pretty intense midlife crisis, what with feeling trapped by her work and unable to pursue her art. It could be this guy made her feel alive or just reminded her of where she was mentally when she was young and ambitious and full of excitement for the world. And a history of depression and abuse definitely doesn't help.

 

You will only "lose" your wife if one of you decide this situation can't be salvaged. If you're willing to work on this together, as a team, you can certainly get past it. But you both have to be completely committed.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the chance that there was more going on than birthday texts, is quite high.

 

 

Bingo. And since it's long been known the best defense is a good offense, she immediately starts in on how the OP hasn't met her needs.

 

If you want this to work out then start searching for a good marriage counselor where you BOTH will need to work to get back the connection.

 

Even if she'll go, not going to work if she's still involved in an affair.

 

Jeg779, at least do a little simple investigating. Check with your phone provider, look at social media, check financial records. You have lots to fight for but need to know what you're up against.

 

Welcome to LoveShack, sorry it's like this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Get her in therapy. And if you want to go to marriage counseling too, do it.

[mark clemson]

You can "blame yourself" for your part in her unhappiness in the marriage, but remember that:

 

- It's takes two to make a marriage - it's not at all fair or just to make one partner "responsible" for the other's happiness

- NOTHING you did deserves her stepping out on you

 

I get looking past one extremely drunk text "mistake" and I get realizing a marriage has issues and working on it. Both of those things make sense to me and I hope you have good luck.

 

Hopefully you find nothing else in the stepping out department. IF you do, it's a whole different ball game, unfortunately.

[Marc878]

Marriage counciling upfront is just a real bad idea on so many levels.

 

1. A lot of them are nothing but rug-sweepers

 

2. If it's an active affair all the MC won't solve that problem. Cheaters tend to lie a lot.

 

3. Many tend to blame the betrayed spouse for the affair which is always 100% on the perpetrator

 

Finding a decent one from what I've seen is maybe a 50/50 shot.

[schlumpy]

So my personality is to attack, I’ve been laying it on thick. Love letters, flowers, gifts. I just want some ideas as to am I in over my head? Is this the right thing to do. We both know we have work to do, but the more I think, the crappier I realize I have been.

 

No, in my opinion your personality is to divert. Your wife has an affair or ONS or drunken one-off what difference does the nomenclature make and you say it was it was all your fault.

 

How can that be?

 

Did you drive her to the party or his apartment? Did you pour liquor down her throat till the world was a blur. Did you undress her and put her in his bed making sure to plump the pillows and leave a pack of cigarettes for their after coitus pleasure?

 

If you did these things then yes you should be left high and dry but if you didn't, why are you pretending you did?

 

She has complete control over your relationship right now and you need to get away from her so that you can start getting your thoughts in order. Individual counseling may help with the right therapist but do not go to MC at this time.

 

Look up the 180. I recommend the Chump Lady site as it's easy to find there.

 

Get your head on straight first by understanding exactly who is at fault here then start gathering the evidence.

[usa1ah]

I think your wife’s response is total BS. What she had to do is called being an adult and parent. Sometimes our dreams get trampled in real life. For turning it around on you and blaming you for it is just her way of trying to deal with it so she can feel better about herself.

 

Did she meet up with this guy from 20 years ago? If so, it’s not just an emotional affair. What did she mean by mistakes were made that night ?

[Lotsgoingon]

Something is definitely off between you two (and you're certainly NOT alone in that regard).

 

I am having trouble understanding why you think showering her with praise is a good thing to do. She acted out ... The natural reaction is anger, and anger can be mature without hostility and nastiness.

 

By showering her with praise, you are merely trying to rebuild what apparently was not a good relationship for either of you.

 

Here is what I don't believe:

 

she is saying she can’t forgive herself. As she came from a family where the father was a adulterous. And it destroyed their lives. Her parents are still together but she claims it was with a life time of resentment. She isn’t sure she can stay with me because she doesn’t want me to feel that way.

 

Her response is so twisted and convoluted on so many levels. You both sound kinda codependent. You don't take responsibility for your own actions and you somehow focus on the other person instead of focusing on yourselves and your own feelings. Her statement is the kind of statement a college guy makes when he has had a fling and is really encouraging his gf (who doesn't know about the fling) to break up with him so he can get with the fling. He plays the sacrificing martyr. I'm not good enough for you.

 

I'm not good enough for you ... often = I want away from you.

 

If your wife wants the marriage, she needs to take responsibility for her actions, chart a new course and fight for the marriage and show she's worthy of your love. She's not a prisoner of her past family history--only if she assumes she is.

 

I definitely think you guys could benefit from couples counseling. Left to communicate on your own, you guys are both doing the opposite of what you really want to be doing.

[IslandSanctuary]

Your attitude towards your wife and the tone of what you have written makes me assume she is narcissistic. Maybe not, but in any case what she did is unforgivable.

 

You are each 50% responsible for your relationship - but she is 100% responsible for cheating. If you stay with her now she will almost certainly lose what respect she has left for you.

 

Man up, grow some balls and do what is right for yourself - no grovelling, no begging - walk away no discussion, no regrets. Long term it is the best thing for you.

[Jeg779]

She has said she’s felt invisible for years. And that it has kept her from being the artists she desired to be. I understand this, I also understand we have 3 kids and I have to work. Now I haven’t been as motivating or her biggest fan as I should have been. And I am terribly sorry. She texted this to me this morning:

 

Hey, hope your days going better than mine.

Callie texted me this at work:

 

Her:

I don’t know. I want us to work but I don’t know if it’s the best thing anymore. I love you, with all my heart, I always will. But I don’t know if that’s enough. I’m not kicking you out.

 

In my heart it feels too little too late. It feels like you are just trying to salvage us because we are comfortable. but I’m trying to change that.

 

I was hurt.. cause I thought we had been ok for the situation. Then we talked and argued and talked and finally ended up with her saying:

 

I appreciate your efforts.

if I can’t get to feeling like I need to.

I love you.

 

I’m at a loss for words. Hurt, heart broken. I want this to work! Not for the kids, but because she was/is my best friend. I love her dearly.

[preraph]

Find some way she can work or do whatever she's wanting to do and not be a full-time mom.

[schlumpy]

Is this a sudden change or an ongoing complaint?

 

What is her solution to this "problem?" If she leaves - the kids still need to be taken care of unless she's planning abandonment. She can't find a few hours each day to be an artist? She can't join a group of local artists?

 

In your opinion, is she so good that you really are holding her back? Does that make any sense?

 

I'm sorry for you but this doesn't make sense to me and I would not accept her excuse unless I had other sources to back it up.

 

I wanted to pursue a music career but I had to take off 41 years to make a living. I certainly don't feel that my wife is any way at fault.

 

This could be a case where the wife just walks away from the marriage. She needs some kind of excuse so she doesn't hate herself.

 

I'm very sorry I couldn't be more positive.

[Beendaredonedat]

Marriage counselling... Will she go with you?

[Marc878]

Her:

I don’t know. I want us to work but I don’t know if it’s the best thing anymore. I love you, with all my heart, I always will. But I don’t know if that’s enough. I’m not kicking you out.

 

I’m at a loss for words. Hurt, heart broken. I want this to work! Not for the kids, but because she was/is my best friend. I love her dearly.

 

Well isn't she sweet. She cheats but isn't kicking you out? Really?

 

You do the "pick me dance", try nicing her back this'll just lower your status and make it worse.

 

Definition of friend = trusting, loyal and honest.

 

Check your phone bill bill and see how long this has been going on. I'll bet it's not a one time thing. Is it still active?

 

Better wake up and not act like a doormat. At this time you seem to be giving her total control. That'll make this worse.

[usa1ah]

My mom checked out on my dad when I was 4. Cheated on him with a coworker. They got divorced and she got full custody( thanks for nothing California). My dad went overseas with the military and my mom dropped us 4 off at relatives for a year so she could “find herself”.

 

Well dad found out and started sending child support to the relatives that had us. Then he got home a little early and rounded us kids up. Then the courts gave us back to a mom we hadn’t seen for a year.

 

Your wife sounds so much like my mom. Poor me, you were never there for me. Blah blah bla. This is not your doing, your wife is having a pity me moment and is blaming you for it all. She could of found time to do what she wanted.

 

My wife and I have 3 kids and we both found time to do what we liked. Some times together, sometimes separately. She loves cross stitching, we have 5 of hers hanging in the home. She has about 15 packed away.

 

Our kids D21, S20, S17. There is always going to be things to give up for family, never give up what you love doing, get your kids involved if you can. My D knows how to cross stitch. My sons know how to work on cars. But they all have now found what they love doing.

 

Your wife is full of it.

[Mr. Lucky]

She has said she’s felt invisible for years. And that it has kept her from being the artists she desired to be.

 

I've never seen anyone with true artistic talent be held back by anyone but themselves.

 

Agree with the others, you're a convenient scapegoat. And her lean towards escape routes and revisionist history doesn't bode well for your marriage.

 

Counseling is a must...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Buffer]

Sound like she has left. This was probably her exit affair.

[Ruby Slippers]

She seems to have a mess of issues and she's trying to blame them all on you, which is total BS. Not kicking YOU out? After SHE'S been cheating? She's the one who should be worried about getting kicked out.

[Jeg779]

She has said she’s felt invisible for years. And that it has kept her from being the artists she desired to be. I understand this, I also understand we have 3 kids and I have to work. Now I haven’t been as motivating or her biggest fan as I should have been. And I am terribly sorry. She texted this to me this morning:

 

Hey, hope your days going better than mine.

Callie texted me this at work:

 

Her:

I don’t know. I want us to work but I don’t know if it’s the best thing anymore. I love you, with all my heart, I always will. But I don’t know if that’s enough. I’m not kicking you out.

 

In my heart it feels too little too late. It feels like you are just trying to salvage us because we are comfortable. but I’m trying to change that.

 

I was hurt.. cause I thought we had been ok for the situation. Then we talked and argued and talked and finally ended up with her saying:

 

I appreciate your efforts.

if I can’t get to feeling like I need to.

I love you.

 

I’m at a loss for words. Hurt, heart broken. I want this to work! Not for the kids, but because she was/is my best friend. I love her dearly.

[schlumpy]

In my opinion, I think your marriage is over and the only thing left is when she walks out and closes the door behind her.

 

Your choice is to sit in the corner paralyzed, unable to say or do anything forceful because you fear it will make it worse and she will leave that much sooner. You can't see your life without her but what you are doing right now will make that nightmare come true.

 

Insist that she get a full medical workup and if that comes back clean then proceed to the next step.

 

She needs a shock to the system. She needs a look at what her life will be without YOU!

 

First go to the chump lady's website and look up the 180. It's pretty self explanatory and is designed to get you past your feelings so you can make clear headed decisions.

 

Next, you have to see a lawyer and get divorce proceedings started. Remember the proceedings can be stopped at any time. Separate all financial accounts. Cancel credit cards and move as much as you can into your name. Let her fend for herself. Stop supporting her financially and emotionally. If she wants to cheat or leave - let her do it on her dime and with her own resources.

 

Hand her the divorce papers and follow the 180.

 

Then let her live a piece of this wonderful life she envisions without you.

 

You will be risking everything but considering what she's said, I'm not sure how much there is to risk. The outcome, if you standby and do nothing, is almost certain.

 

Don't let her use you as Plan B. Concentrate on doing what's right for your children. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[anika99]

Hate to say it but I agree with everyone else.

 

Your opening post doesn't make much sense. You say that you saw texts on your wife's phone where a guy was saying sexual things to her and she was telling him she loves him. She blamed it on being drunk on her birthday but did you even bother to look at her texting history to see how long she has been texting him? Did you even ask her or do any digging at all?

 

In my opinion the subject matter of those texts were too far advanced for just one night of drunken texting? Who just starts texting someone they haven't seen for twenty years sexual comments and who would ever respond to those kind of texts from an acquaintance by saying I love you? That's ridiculous. Do you not see how unlikely that is? Loyal faithful spouses don't just go from 0 to a 100 in a such short span of time like that. The messages you saw had to have been part of something bigger, something that has been going on for awhile.

 

Then when you discovered her most recent texts she goes straight to saying she wants out of the marriage? Again, that kind of response points to an ongoing affair. She is married with children so her desire to leave the security of marriage and having a partner in child rearing indicates that she thinks she has someone better waiting in the wings.

 

I'm sure you have your faults and that you could have been a better partner but the stuff she is saying about how she isn't a successful artist because of you is gobbledygook nonsense. She's just grasping at ways she can end the marriage and blame you for it. I had children young and that meant that I had to put my dreams and desires on hold so I could raise my children and support them. That is called being a parent and it's the same thing millions of other parents do. People who are committed to making their dreams come true don't get married and have a bunch of kids and then blame everyone else because they made choices that curtailed their fantasies.

 

You need to stop kissing her butt and do the 180. As long as you are chasing her and jumping through hoops to try to keep her this won't get better. You can let her know that you would like to save the marriage but only if she is going to be honest and transparent about her cheating and only if she's going to address the marital issues like a mature adult, otherwise you have nothing to say to her. Stop entertaining her ridiculous stories and insist on honesty. I know you are desperate to keep her and you think that love bombing and taking the blame for everything is the way to save your marriage but it's truly not.

 

You are making it worse. Your wife isn't attracted to you anymore and kissing up to her isn't going to make you attractive to her. Women find strong men attractive and right now you are acting weak. Now being strong doesn't mean being abusive or neglectful. I'm not saying you should yell at her or call her names or be a jerk. However a strong man stays true to himself and stands by his principles. He has confidence in who he is and what his boundaries are. Strong women are the same. Right now you are behaving weak and you won't be able to move forward from this place of weakness.