Now I'm a role model?

[major_merrick]

My husband brought two teenagers over to the house for dinner tonight. Not exactly unusual, as he's a community leader and partly responsible for teaching the "cadets" - young people who will join our community's security team. I know the two from our weekly services, and also from watching them participate in training.

 

After the meal, my husband asked me to consider a kind of assignment. He's been asked by the elders of our community to help mentor these two, as they are going to marry soon - the girl is pregnant. My husband feels that the girl and I have similarities in our background, and that I can help her in this process. I would give her life advice, guide her through pregnancy issues, and help her calm down and adjust to married life. My husband will do similarly for the boy, adjusting him to his new responsibilities. This is our community's way of dealing positively with unplanned pregnancy and young families.

 

I haven't said yes or no. I'd like to help. The girl is a small, scared, wild-looking blonde. I can kind of see the resemblance The boy seems proud, grim, and determined...he's got a long ways to go. I'm not sure how qualified I am to be involved in this....but who is? Thankfully, the young couple won't be living with us. They will move in with another family who will also help them, and provide housing until they are able to move out on their own in a couple of years.

 

Should I tell my husband that I can help, or should I pass? I've got the time, but I don't know if I have the right kind of experience.

[alphamale]

where are these two teenagers parents or family?

[major_merrick]

The boy's parents are part of the community, but he isn't getting along with them right now so they've asked the elders for some help. The girl's family aren't believers and have pretty much abandoned her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

major, I would counsel you not to get involved because, if I understand correctly, the young man and young woman you wrote about are going to be getting married and I'm assuming neither has other partners.

 

In my opinion the young lady would be better mentored by a woman who is in a heterosexual marriage in which no other lovers are involved since I'm assuming it is her goal to live the same way.

 

This is nothing personal because I like you and enjoy reading many of your posts. It just seems to me you don't have the experience to counsel a woman who is planning on being married to one man, and won't have other lovers.

[schlumpy]

In my opinion to counsel someone you have to bring them into a place where they feel comfortable about being open with you. My wife is like that. People who know her for ten minutes are relating their life story while she nods sympathetically. That taint me but it may be you.

 

If it is, have a go at it. You may learn more about yourself then you teach her.

[major_merrick]

It just seems to me you don't have the experience to counsel a woman who is planning on being married to one man, and won't have other lovers.

You may be right. However, the girl is already around our community a lot, so families with multiple female partners isn't a new idea to her. We also have families where the man has only one wife - the family she will be living with is one of them. At her age, I'm guessing she hasn't thought about the issue much, if at all.

 

I think my husband is looking at my involvement more in light of the girl's personality because he sees a similarity. Her attitude is pretty fierce. I know from experience that you get like that when underneath you're really afraid of everything and everybody. She's also had substance abuse issues in the past, which is something I can also relate to. Most of the folks in our community haven't walked that path.

 

 

In my opinion to counsel someone you have to bring them into a place where they feel comfortable about being open with you. My wife is like that. People who know her for ten minutes are relating their life story while she nods sympathetically. That taint me but it may be you.

 

If it is, have a go at it. You may learn more about yourself then you teach her.

She does seem willing to talk to me. At service this morning, she sat next to me, and followed me around afterwards. I'm not sure if it was for the conversation or because I was helping to make lunch. I've noticed that when she gets something to eat, she finishes quickly like it is going to disappear. I'm definitely keeping things positive and chatty for now. She'll need time to get comfortable.

[alphamale]

sorry to say it but this scenario likely won't end well for all involved

[Timshel]

Why not major merrick, if your community is lifting others up and you are lifting this young woman up, why not.

 

I hope you get to a point that carrying isn't something you need to feel safe. I was born and raised in the south around guns.

Your lifestyle seems happy but are your two gf's sisters?

 

When you mention service in the morning I think of the time I was living Quaker and we sat in silence in the morning. If a person had a thought they spoke, but it was thought and meditation.

 

You seem well prepared to mentor this girl, she eats quickly for fear of not having anymore, which you already know.

Also, you have new born twins and a toddler, make time for them as mom.

[ajequals]

with all the legal issues we see in the news these days this seems like a BAD idea to get involved. heaven forbid you get drawn into a legal battle years down the road

Edited August 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lana-banana]

It's unethical in the extreme to not let these kids talk with adults outside this "community" and are not involved in militia/cult/antigovernment separatist training. If they decide they want to be a part of this, that should be a decision they make as adults (18+) with all the knowledge available to them. But bringing teenagers into a "community" that preaches separatism and armed combat to prepare for a violent uprising is basically brainwashing. They need exposure---public universities, other jobs, counselors, trips to foreign countries---and if they make informed decisions as adults to be a part of this, then let them. But teenagers can't make these kinds of life decisions themselves.

[major_merrick]

They need exposure---public universities, other jobs, counselors, trips to foreign countries---and if they make informed decisions as adults to be a part of this, then let them. But teenagers can't make these kinds of life decisions themselves.

Because that has worked so well for the nation as a whole... And it worked so well for me when I was young....society totally gave me a place to be safe and belong.

 

Some days, the stuff I read from the "coastal" types on this forum absolutely confirms the truth of what I hear in Sunday's sermons. And if you think teaching youth is weird, consider the meetings that youth attend 1-2x per week at churches all across the South. I suppose that's creepy too, since they are learning values from their elders there instead of from Uncle Sam.

[Tristian]

Folks, one of Loveshacks great benefits is that it is a collection of many different people with many different backgrounds and lifestyles.

 

 

To that end let's keep opinion on the Ops community to ourselves and focus on the question asked which was "Should I tell my husband that I can help, or should I pass? I've got the time, but I don't know if I have the right kind of experience."

[Happy Lemming]

In your opening post you described the youth participating in your community's "Security Team". I am making the assumption that the "teenagers" are under 18, as you used the terms "girl" & "boy" which infers a youth under 18.

 

If this "Security Team" involves firearms, you or others in your community could be breaking local state laws by providing said weapons.

 

In most states, unless the underage youth is on a hunting trip with an adult, it would be illegal for this youth to posses a firearm. Before getting involved/mentoring underage youth, you may want to check your state's local laws regarding firearms. You have three small children now, you may want to distance yourself from any acts that could be construed as illegal.

Edited August 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[amaysngrace]

No. You don’t have the right kind of experience to be a mentor to a young person.

 

Being highly dependent on others as an adult is not something anyone should want to pass down to another.

[LauraXX]

I think you should pass. Lana-Banana explains the reasons perfectly

[pepperbird]

Why are you encouraging two teenagers to get married? Why would you ever want to have anything to do with creating so much potential heartbreak for two young people who don't even know themselves yet?

 

How old are these teens anyway? Wouldn't it make more sense to offer living space and support to the girl until she figures out what it is she really wants? Marriage is a serious commitment, and very few teenager understand that, pregnant or not.

 

It sounds incredibly selfish and short sighted that you would even consider this. If your community really cares about these young people, it will give them support as parents but also time to figure out if being married at such a young age is right for them. Otherwise, you cold be potentially creating a situation where a child will have two parents that feel they only got married because they had to, and they end up fighting a lot and take their anger, desperation and disappointment out on each other and their child.

Edited August 19, 2019 by pepperbird

[pepperbird]

A last comment...there are literally dozens of social service agencies out there who can help these two. They will have training, resources and experience to help the couple, support the "mother to be" and get this new little life off to the best possible start without proselytizing or another motive.

 

If you really want to help, try working on bringing this girl and her family back together and finding unbiased sources of support outside your community for both teens so they can get their lives in order before they even consider getting married.

[nospam99]

If you really want to help, try working on bringing this girl and her family back together and finding unbiased sources of support outside your community for both teens so they can get their lives in order before they even consider getting married.

 

I'm pretty sure that in another thread in another category, the OP has pointed out that her personal experiences with law enforcement have generated a lack of trust on her part. Well, my personal experiences with ALLEGED 'unbiased sources of support' has generated a similar lack of trust. Where I live such sources translate to corrupt, incompetent state agencies. If the people working in those agencies don't have their job performance evaluated purely on the basis of how many people they can drag into court, I sure can't tell it by the way they do their jobs. The LAST people I'd trust with anything, no less mending broken families, are those sources. Let the OP's 'community' handle this. Based on my experience, it would be a steep challenge for that community to do a worse job than a government agency.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm a little uncomfortable about minors being systematically indoctrinated into a belief system that's heavily focussed on managing the sexual lives of the women involved.

 

If I remember correctly the women are required to have clitoral piercings, to be open to sexual contact at any and all times, to be valued for their fecundity and to function mainly as sexual and reproductive creatures in the community. I'd assume that this type of training would be central to your mentorship, as it's what you usually share about here.

 

Though I am 100 percent pro everybody doing what they want as far as marriage and sexual relationships go, I also think it would behoove these young people, especially the teenaged girl, to NOT be "mentored" into this.

[BaileyB]

There are two different things to consider here - first, there is the person and whether she would be a good mentor for this child. Then, there is the actual prospect of mentoring a child in this lifestyle. It is really difficult to consider the question of whether the person would be a good mentor in the context of this extremely unconventional lifestyle.

 

When I think back to the girl I was at this age, had I been exposed to some of the opinions you share about sexuality, relationships, and family roles - well, it would have caused a lot of confusion and fear for me. All the more reason to be concerned given their age of these children and the fact that they are vulnerable young people.

[pepperbird]

I'm pretty sure that in another thread in another category, the OP has pointed out that her personal experiences with law enforcement have generated a lack of trust on her part. Well, my personal experiences with ALLEGED 'unbiased sources of support' has generated a similar lack of trust. Where I live such sources translate to corrupt, incompetent state agencies. If the people working in those agencies don't have their job performance evaluated purely on the basis of how many people they can drag into court, I sure can't tell it by the way they do their jobs. The LAST people I'd trust with anything, no less mending broken families, are those sources. Let the OP's 'community' handle this. Based on my experience, it would be a steep challenge for that community to do a worse job than a government agency.

 

 

Many social service agencies have zero to do with the government, aside of their tax free status.

I'm very leery of any group that encourages two teenagers to get married. This goes beyond " Sally's knocked up...better get the shotgun". In this case, the girl has a wealth of choices open to her. She could choose to keep her child as a single parent, she could choose to place her child for adoption, she could try and reconnect with her family so her child could enjoy being loved by both families.

This plan sounds like it's little more than indoctrinating a young woman at a time in her life when she is at her most vulnerable. It might be different if all the OP was offering was some financial help and a roof over her head.

Edited August 19, 2019 by pepperbird

[major_merrick]

Wouldn't it make more sense to offer living space and support to the girl until she figures out what it is she really wants? Marriage is a serious commitment, and very few teenager understand that, pregnant or not.

Otherwise, you cold be potentially creating a situation where a child will have two parents that feel they only got married because they had to, and they end up fighting a lot and take their anger, desperation and disappointment out on each other and their child.

Our community's view is that if a girl is pregnant, the time to think about marrying is past....better get it done. Single parenthood is a terrible choice, so unless the couple chose adoption marriage is the right thing to do. Before they ever came forward with the news, they had already decided on marriage anyways.

 

The couple has decided to marry each other legally, not just religiously. Which is permitted here under the law even without parental approval, since there is a pregnancy involved. Fortunately, the boy's parents and even the girl's mother have already agreed to it.

 

I don't see anything strange about getting married young. It is common here - many people find their partners in high school. I was engaged (the first time) to my husband at that age, although I messed things up. Couples that age tend to fight and make mistakes, which is why the community sets up a support system.

 

 

Well, my personal experiences with ALLEGED 'unbiased sources of support' has generated a similar lack of trust.

Yep. And there is no such thing as an "unbiased source." The government definitely has an agenda (hint: it is all about control). So do private organizations. You choose which bias you want to deal with.

Edited August 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted post

[Veronica73]

How old are these kids?

[MetallicHue]

I’ll steer far clear away from lifestyle choices. I’ll just generally say it’s easier for people who’ve been through similar experiences or who’ve had experience dealing with these situations to provide guidance than those without. I don’t think it’s something I can relate to and wouldn’t be capable of providing counsel. A lot of people out there operate in their own self interest but there are a lot of good resources out there too.

[Veronica73]

How old are they?