What did my ex want from me??

[PandaPanda]

Hi I'm Vicky and I’m having trouble understanding why this is happening. Whether it is my fault. Any advise will be very helpful. Sorry it will be a long story.

 

Me and my ex dated for about 4 years, the first 3yrs was amazing but in the last year we start to drift apart, he basically stop caring. I caught him flirting with a girl on fb, which he apologise and block her. About a month before he broke up with me, I notice he was interested in someone else but when I confronted him, he said I’m imagining things. After we broke up, I was heart broken and in pain but he was fine. I then found out that a week after the break up he got with that same girl. After the break up, when I see him at a mutual friend party he would purposely make out with a girl in front of me, or being rude to me and tell me to go away. I was really hurt by his actions and really hated him then.

 

Fast forward 1.5 years, I’ve finally pull myself together and focusing on me. Then he suddenly msg me wanting to meet up to apologise. He wanted to get back together and said how sorry he is for everything and he regret letting me go. We talked for hours and he said his a change man now, give him a chance to prove it. I still hated him but I also have feelings for him, so I didn't know what is the right thing to do. I don't know if I can trust him, but I also don't want to just ignore this chance to get to know him either to see if he changed.

 

I'm focusing on finishing my degree this year so I didn't want any distraction or really want to date anyone until next year. So I told him that we can start of as friends, but I don't want to date anyone this year and if he find someone he like along the way then go for it, don't wait for me. He then said of course he wouldn't do that because he just wanted me, and he want me in his life, and will do all he can to be with me again. I believed what he said, but at the time I didn't have much feelings for him and I was still mad about the past. I did tell him to give me time to forgive him and to get to know him again. I can't promise anything right now, just let things happen naturally.

 

He start sending me good morning beautiful or call me gorgeous, it nice and all, I already told him to take it slow but he constantly flirting with me, sending me sweet msgs and it didn't take long before all my feelings for him started to surface again. At the start when he came back I was also talking to other guys casually, so I did tell him that as well, but he said as long as I give him the same chance as I'm giving other guys, he will be happy. I did stop talking to other guys after my feelings got stronger toward him. We met up again for lunch and walk down the beach, he keep asking for hugs, so I gave him a hug, then he ask to hold my hands and kiss me, but I feel it moving too fast, so I told him i'm not ready just take it slow please. He wasn't happy but said he understand.

 

We talk throughout the week and when Thursday came I ask him so when we catching up and he said you tell me when you're free, but I ask him when is he free, he wouldn't tell me but keep saying no you tell me. So I told him let catch up Saturday but he said I can do lunch but I'm busy in the afternoon. I got a bit annoyed cause I've been asking when his free but he wouldn't answer now I said i'm free and his not really free. i got mad and said don't worry then we catch up another time when you're free cause this is annoying. Then he said when you can get over your butt-hurt then we can catch up Sunday. I feel annoyed the way he spoke to me so I said don't worry about it. then he said i'm being immature and once i'm calm down I can talk to him, have a good day. I got frustrated that his calling me immature. That night he send a snapchat saying his doing a test at work, I was still mad but I send a snapchat back saying good luck. I haven't heard anything from him again. Friday came, no msg still, Sat came and nothing either, so when Sun approach I got really upset, for someone who said he miss me and want to make effort did not even msg me once to tell me he want to meet up.

 

That night I calm down and apologised for the fight. I said that I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with my over flowing emotions at the moment with all these feelings coming back, mixture of happy, sad, angry, frustrated, excited, hate him, miss him. It was just all over the place, thats why I was cranky and lashes out and I was sorry for it. He then said he need space to think and he will msg me in 3 days. After 3 days, he then said he doesn't think we're compatible and that we will never work cause i drove a division in our relationship, how I was unreasonable and immature and like to throw a tantrum, so he doesn't want an immature relationship like this and that I haven't change.

 

I was really hurt by what he said but at the same time it made me thing was it my fault, was i'm immature. I did apologised though, I wasn't in a good place but I was hoping he could at least understand since he caused me a lot of pain last year, but instead his turning his back on me. I asked him to meet up and lets have a talk, but he refuse, I try to call him but he didn't pick up, then that night I called him again but nothing, suddenly he called me back, I picked up but nothing on the other side, I said hello and then I heard a girl voice saying "oh ****" and then it hang up on me. I msgd him and said who was that are you seeing someone? No reply, then the next day he said we can meet up and talk on the weekend. He told me to meet at 7pm, when I saw him he said he doesn't have much time so lets make it quick. I felt really upset, like I meant nothing. I explained to him why i felt the way i did and why I was angry and frustrated a lot of the time, but I promise him it won't happen again cause I decided not to think about the past anymore, but he said we're not compatible it won't work, he just want to be friends. Then I ask is he seeing someone and who was that girl and if he seeing her. Then he said even if he was, I was the one that said he could. But then I told him yeah at the very beginning before we started seeing each other but now how could he do that. He said he doesn't know what he want and that its complicated and he need time, he said lets meet Tue after work and finish this talk. I agree and respect he need to sleep early for work.

 

Monday came and I ask you still ok to meet tomorrow night and he didn't reply. Then night time come and I asked again and he said no sorry, then I said but you promise, but then he said his house got robbed. I was really worry and I wanted to be there for him. I told him we can meet up once everything is sorted and he is ok. He said he appreciate it and that he doesn't want to string me along and he unsure what he want at this stage. I didn't want to hear any of that so I said let just talk when we meet up next.

 

Day passes by and I try to talk to him but he hardly reply, then I said can we meet on the weekend and he said he doesn't think we need to meet anymore we already had our talk, I said but I have't finish saying what I need to say, but he said it doesn't matter it won't change his decision. I told him even if it doesn't change it will help me get things off my chest. He can't just come back into my life whenever he like and go whenever he feel like it, I have the right to talk too. so he said ok we can meet Sunday. Then Sat came and I remind him about Sun and ask what time we meet and he said he forgot its his niece B'day and said he can't meet me. I got really upset and said I don't even need much of your time stop avoiding me. He then said I don't want to see you, I only get one day off a week and I don't want drama.

 

I was really hurt that he think seeing me is a waste of time and it just going to be drama. Finally he said ok I promise Tues night, I don't want to but I won't back out this time. I trusted him and waited til Tue. Tues came I haven't really heard from him so I msg and remind him, he then said yes I remember, I see you then. Then by 4:30pm I got a msg that said we can talk over dinner come to my place, then another msg said, sorry that was my work mate he took my phone. Then not long after that another msg said, I have a girl now, just letting you know, then another msg said thats my mate again sorry his a bit of a dick. Then I said ok, see you tonight. He said i have to let you know when I finish, will see how I go. Then by 7:45pm he send and msg and said on my way home now so tired. That was the last msg I heard from him. I msg and ask are we still meeting up, I called multiple times. I saw that he saw my msg at 11pm but no reply. The next morning I msg and said, you should at least men up and msg me to say sorry we can't meet and reschedule instead of ignoring me. Then he said I didn't want to reschedule cause i don't want to see you, we got nothing to talk about. Then he said he will do me a favour by blocking me so I can get over him.

 

i tried to call him and then he block my number too. I was so hurt by his action, I just don't get why he can't face me, can't explain the sudden change in attitude, it been 2 months since he contacted me, how can he go from I want to be with you to I don't want to see you ever. It can't be form that 1 fight can it?

 

I msg him on snap chat asking him why is he doing this, I just don't understand. If he have someone else at least tell me that. I open up my hearts for him, giving him a second chance even after he hurt me and now he running away again. He said even if he is seeing someone it would of been after he broke it off with me, but I was still trying to talk to him and was waiting for him to see me, to me we haven't broken off. Then he said we just not compatible, I make him unhappy and that it flare up his anxiety. I ask him so the time we met up at the beach, he wasn't happy as well and he said to be honest he was a bit stress. I was really hurt by he answer, I thought we had a great time that day but obviously not. He then said I was playing game from the start and he didn't like it and when we fight it was a turn off for him. i try to tell him everyone fight and I already apologised and explained the reason for the fight. He just stop replying again.

 

Then the next day, at night, I randomly got a msg from him on fb and I thought he unblock me but it was a msg that say, bitch *** off you dog, then the next msg say, that wasn't me sorry. I was so shock, hurt, unable to think. I couldn't believed what I saw, I was furious so I called him and it was a chick who picked up. I said can you put him on please, she said to me that he didn't want to talk to me and that I should leave him alone and stop bothering him, telling me that he doesn't care about me anymore, he don't want to see me and I should go find someone else. I feel so insulted that he would allow some girl talk to me like this, I was so hurt by what she said and just couldn't believe my ears. I hangup and just started crying, I haven't cried this much since he broke up with me last year, I feel so empty and lost. I just couldn't understand why he would do that to me. He or she then blocked me again.

 

I then went on snap chat and said to him how could he do this to me, after all the years we know each other. He was the one coming back asking for a second chance now his running away with some other girl and let her insult me as well. He then just said i'm sorry you got upset but I hope you respect my decision, we just not meant to be. I said just remember that its your decision to let go and not give this chance a go, don't ever regrets it. He then said I don't know if I will or not but right now it feel like the right thing to do. We might be happier with other people because we just not compatible. He said it was my fault for playing game, it was my fault for having too much rules about not wanting to date this year and was still talking to other guys and making it difficult to catch up when he was making effort to ask. I explained why I don't want to date this year, I also said I stop talking to other guys and only focus on him and I already said sorry for being mad that day, what more does he want, why can't he understand. He said so now I'm blaming him for not being understanding, see that is why he know I haven't change and still immature and like things my ways. He said he hope we can be civil and stay as friends, if it meant it be it will. I then told him I don't want to be friends and he should stop making excuses for his action, at the end of the day he only running away cause he found someone else who is easier to get with then having to put effort into his ex who he know still mad at him and he will require to prove himself more. He then said his not seeing anyone and that I should respect he wish and stop trying to convince him what his feel is wrong. Then he block me on snap chat too.

 

Now I left feeling sad, confuse and angry. I just don't understand if two people have feelings for each other then why is it so hard to just give it a try. I can tell he no longer have the same interest like when he first approached me. I can tell he is seeing someone else not long after the fight since that time that girl call me from his phone, but I was hoping by talking to him he will come back to me and we can reconnect again. I try really hard but in the end he show nothing, did he really wanted me in his life, was all that just a lied, how can he just give up like that. Was it really my fault like he said? What should I do now? Should I give in and said we could be friends, should I continue to try?

Edited August 18, 2019 by PandaPanda

[Flame Aura]

Oh PandaPanda....

 

He never wanted to get back with you. He wanted to get back into your knickers. As soon as you would have let him back in, he would have dropped you when he found someone else.

 

Please take this advice: Do not contact him again. He does not deserve your attention. He only thinks of himself. He is selfish. He is not good enough for you.

 

Read everything you have posted again. Look at your actions and his actions and compare them. You are the one who has been doing everything to try and make things work again. Do you really want to be with someone who treats you like this?

 

You are WAY better and deserve somebody better. Please value yourself and understand you are the prize here. One day you will meet someone who appreciates you for you. It is not him. It is time to go full No Contact and move on to something better. I know you are hurting but it WILL get better with time.

 

 

And please in future do not make the same mistake again - an ex is an ex for a reason. Do not go back to an ex, regardless of how much they tell you they have changed and to give them a chance. If they truly wanted to be with you they would have made those changes before breaking up.

[stillafool]

When you wanted to vent to him about the way he treated you why didn't you just do it over the phone instead of trying to meet up? You told him he could see others and he took you up on it and found another girl. He was never really serious about wanting to get back with you. When you continued to blow up his phone for answers and showed your jealousy he got turned all the way off. Be glad he blocked you so you can get over this. I'm curious why you didn't fall for one of the other guys you were dating instead of wanting a guy back who had already treated you like he didn't care one way about you or the other. Never try to get back with someone who has already shown you who he is.

[PandaPanda]

Thanks Flame Aura for your advice. I knew I was doing most of the chasing but it was hard to stop once my feelings came back. Also he made me feel guilty as though it was my fault that this second chance didn't work out.

I understand what you're saying though, I will try and move on and won't contact him or let him contact me anymore. I won't trust him again.

 

 

Thanks stillafool for your advice. I try to do it over the phone but he refuse to pick up his phone and said he doesn't want to talk to me. Also i always find it is easier to talk to him in person. It was hard because I believed in everything that he said about only wanting to be with me and he regret letting me go and will put in effort to show he mean it this time.

I didn't really feel any connection with the other guys and my feelings toward my ex continue to grow, the old feelings came back. Part of me was hoping that things will be good this time round.

[Fekenaws]

Heres the deal with Exes. Contrary to popular discourse, most of them aren't bad people. When you break up with someone there are usually a lot of mixed emotions on the dumper's side too. Doubt, anxiety, general bad feeling about hurting someone they had simply outgrown. These feelings make dumper's act in strange, but ultimately selfish ways.

 

I can't tell you why any of my exes reached back out to me after significant no contact, but what I can tell you is that the reasons were self-motivated. At that moment, for whatever reason, they needed assurance that I would still talk to them, and once they had that then they moved on with their life. Some people call these breadcrumbs, I think that has a malicious connotation to it. I prefer to say that they showed a temporary weakness, and the breakup wasn't all sunshine and roses for them after all.

 

Yet, at the end of the day, my exes and I have never got back together, and we learned to move on regardless. Don't spend much time analyzing your exes actions or lack thereof, focus on yourself. If they want to be in your life, they will make an effort to do so. Trust me.

[PandaPanda]

Thank you for your comment. What you said make a lot of sense, I do hate the fact that he came and left, leaving me with all these emotions again. I will focus on myself now and will forget about him and move on.

Edited August 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Lotsgoingon]

Once he played the game of not answering your question of when he is free ... once that happened ... you could have ended things right there. That was a sign right there that you didn't like him and that this new round wouldn't work.

 

Let him go. He would make you miserable ... You would be miserable with him. One day, you'll want to send him a gift ... because you'll realize how happy and lucky you were that he didn't want to go any further.

[stillafool]

 

Thanks stillafool for your advice. I try to do it over the phone but he refuse to pick up his phone and said he doesn't want to talk to me. Also i always find it is easier to talk to him in person. It was hard because I believed in everything that he said about only wanting to be with me and he regret letting me go and will put in effort to show he mean it this time.

I didn't really feel any connection with the other guys and my feelings toward my ex continue to grow, the old feelings came back. Part of me was hoping that things will be good this time round.

 

When you asked him to wait that long to see how you're feeling about getting back together was somewhat unrealistic. You can't restart the clock. You two were together 4 years and you wanted him to wait a year until you finish you studies and just date. You also told him he could see other girls but then got mad when you thought he was. I think the reason he isn't answering you back is because now he doesn't want to get back and doesn't want to be talked into it. I'm glad you have decided to leave him alone and just move on.

[Acacia98]

The key to understanding what your ex wants from you lies in your original post: in that bit where you're talking about finally getting your life in order and having moved on 1.5 years after the break-up.

 

That is when your ex pops put of the woodwork and gets you all tied up in a life of chaos dedicated to chasing after him, yet again.

 

Let me cut a very long story short. I don't think your ex actually loves you. I think he thrives on the idea that you adore him/worship him. It makes him feel meaningful when you chase after him and show that you need him and can't live without him. So he goes out of his way to fabricate situations where you fall into playing that role. As long as you're playing that role, all is good in his world and he can get on with the business of meeting other women and just living his life as he sees fit.

 

The minute you stop focusing on him, he loses the feeling that he is a god, so he has to come and look for you again and "fix" things: make sure you go back to the subservient role.

 

In other words, if you want to thrive and be happy, you can't afford to maintain a friendship with this guy. You need to completely cut off links with him, go no contact. Then you can ultimately move on and get on with a life that does not include him.