Is there anyway of reversing rejection?

[ZA Dater]

Agree.

 

 

If you treat her like a celebrity, she will treat you like a fan.

 

If she gives you signals she's attracted, ask her out. If she says no, don't chase. If she dumped you, it's even more important you don't chase. This person in essence said that you aren't good enough for them. If you have confidence, which women find attractive, are you going to chase someone that indirectly said you aren't good enough for them? They need to be the ones to second guess their decision. If you chase, they won't do that. If you let them have the break up, improve yourself, and they have had time to think about everything, they may second guess their decision.

 

Much easier said than done if one choice is VERY limited and one isn't very marketable. I can count on perhaps one and a half hands how many people I have gone out with in he last 10 years who I genuinely wanted to date.

 

But yes I am very guilty of what you describe here, I simply call it desperation which is what it is, desperation to conjure some sort of success.

[basil67]

Here is a question, do you ever actually convey what you are looking for when you go on a date? My problem is I am continually having to second guess what these people actually want

 

Generally speaking, they want a connection. Problem is, the qualities which make this happen are mostly indefinable and would vary from person to person.

 

I doubt that many of us can define what makes that connection, let alone convey it.

[chillii]

Yeah , l agree.

 

All this stuff the guys come out with oh this orrrrrr that, it's just superficial surface rust. they never even mention connection, rarely see things like that in any of their posts, must be why they have the troubles refuse to understand what it's all about.

Never met a female yet za that doesn't love that connection. Connection will override just about anything.

But as far as reversing in the way your saying, l doubt it .

You focus and think about all the wrong stuff your stuck on it, can't rebuild with all the wrong bricks.

[Foxhall]

Generally speaking, they want a connection. Problem is, the qualities which make this happen are mostly indefinable and would vary from person to person.

 

I doubt that many of us can define what makes that connection, let alone convey it.

 

Connection to my mind is feeling relaxed or at ease in the other persons company,

[elaine567]

I think some guys can chase and some guys are very successful chasing, but the trick is, to chase after those women who want to be chased and are easily caught, and leave the others alone.

Some women will enjoy the chasing game and the banter that goes with it and I do not agree that it always sets up a bad dynamic.

Some women are shy and will never make the first move or any move and if no men ever chased them, nothing would ever happen

BUT.

Too many men chase the unobtainable and end up annoying or even angering women. In an attempt to get the message across the woman may need to finally be brutal.

Too many men ignore body language and what she is saying and press ahead with persuasive and intrusive tactics anyway, when her body language is screaming "No".

 

No means no, not only sexually, but in all dating interactions. If she says no then listen to her. Politeness is ingrained in many women, so just because she is politely saying no or being evasive, it is not a reason to think she really means yes.

That "no means yes" game is for experts only. One needs to be acutely aware of the signals and know when to press ahead and when to stop. Many men are not up to this and it then can descend into awkwardness and discomfort on her part. It may even be described as bullying and harassment...

 

Rejection is not a nice feeling but women are not objects on a shelf waiting for some man to notice and to pick them up, they have an input into the deal and if she decides to reject a man, then he needs to take heed.

It is not a cue to go into chasing mode...

[basil67]

Connection to my mind is feeling relaxed or at ease in the other persons company,

 

Yes. And I will add: getting a sense that we could have fun together.

[LuckyM]

In my experience as a man, rejection is final. No means no--its not like in the movies when no means yes I will sleep with you.

 

But this depends on so many things, how and why you were rejected, what circumstances and how you reacted.

 

No one can tell you what to do, but don't expect too much. Is she worth getting turned down twice? You can ask in a very casual sort of way.

[Gretchen12]

do you ever actually convey what you are looking for when you go on a date?

 

Tinder is a big problem, in fact all OLD is because I never know what these people want, (FYI I have never dated not using OLD.)

 

Do you think the ability to reverse a rejection also depends on how marketable the other person is?

 

Yes I do say what I'm looking for because I know what that is. I've experience and I've thought about it. Not everyone knows so not everyone can tell you.

 

However if you are on an OLD date, that means you already have something she's looking for. People say women get a lot of attention on OLD, so I think your date would only go out with men she likes. Could be your photo or something you wrote. Also if you've chatted by text or phone, she already has some ideas.

 

Then somehow the date was not what she expected. Do you know what went wrong?

[Gretchen12]

As for your last question, I don't think so. I think someone looking to use you can come back to you if she wanted money, a good time or to sooth a wounded ego. But then she can use someone else as well, how many other men can she go to? That's where her marketability is a factor. But you don't want those kind of women.

[chillii]

I think some guys can chase and some guys are very successful chasing, but the trick is, to chase after those women who want to be chased and are easily caught, and leave the others alone.

Some women will enjoy the chasing game and the banter that goes with it and I do not agree that it always sets up a bad dynamic.

Some women are shy and will never make the first move or any move and if no men ever chased them, nothing would ever happen

BUT.

Too many men chase the unobtainable and end up annoying or even angering women. In an attempt to get the message across the woman may need to finally be brutal.

Too many men ignore body language and what she is saying and press ahead with persuasive and intrusive tactics anyway, when her body language is screaming "No".

 

No means no, not only sexually, but in all dating interactions. If she says no then listen to her. Politeness is ingrained in many women, so just because she is politely saying no or being evasive, it is not a reason to think she really means yes.

That "no means yes" game is for experts only. One needs to be acutely aware of the signals and know when to press ahead and when to stop. Many men are not up to this and it then can descend into awkwardness and discomfort on her part. It may even be described as bullying and harassment...

 

Rejection is not a nice feeling but women are not objects on a shelf waiting for some man to notice and to pick them up, they have an input into the deal and if she decides to reject a man, then he needs to take heed.

It is not a cue to go into chasing mode...

 

 

 

 

Yeah that's it, all that stuff is very specific and subjective situations.

Big difference in your woman being cautious and gun shy and needing to know your for real ,you can see that in her, to another being just plane not interested .

[ZA Dater]

Then somehow the date was not what she expected. Do you know what went wrong?

 

If I knew the answer to this I might actually be able to date someone. I never know what goes wrong. In my mind what goes wrong 'well I think I can find better than him, I have lots of matches".

 

The reality is almost all ladies on OLD are like this, if you are slim and nice enough looking they can take their pick. Guys, well its impossible unless you are super rich or super good looking, otherwise its really tough to hold onto those sort of ladies.

 

What irritates me is "well we can be friends" and this then never happens, please ladies don't bother saying this if you don't mean it.

 

I sometimes think dating is like trying as a kid to build a sand castle too close to the water, the foundation doesn't hold and the whole thing falls down.

[ZA Dater]

As for your last question, I don't think so. I think someone looking to use you can come back to you if she wanted money, a good time or to sooth a wounded ego. But then she can use someone else as well, how many other men can she go to? That's where her marketability is a factor. But you don't want those kind of women.

 

Unfortunately barring certain people almost all on Tinder are like this. Have seen nothing to disproves this theory.

 

It doesn't matter which way I approach things, from trying to get them to hook up to trying to get a date. One liked my pictures enough she was tempted to come over, we had a date and I never so much as saw her again.

 

Time after time I am rejected and look its not an ego thing, largely I look at these people and in my mind I can pull them to pieces so I don't feel too bad about the actual rejection but I am simply left with nothing at the end of the day besides wasted time and wasted money.

 

Subjectively I have become somewhat desensitized to the whole thing of dating, I can go to a dinner and just treat it like a business meeting, why not because I'll be rejected anyway so why bother trotting out my life story and feeling to have it all thrown in my face as "not good enough" which essentially is what rejection is, you aren't good enough. Now I simply date in the hope I could one day get laid with someone I find attractive, that's the only real objective I have now. Women created this mind set, for years all I wanted was a girlfriend but I am done with that, now I just want experience.

 

The reason I ask if trying to reverse a rejection is viable is simply because there have been a tiny number of people I did like but like someone else has said, going back puts the power in their hands.

Edited August 21, 2019 by ZA Dater

[LauraXX]

. The reality is almost all ladies on OLD are like this, if you are slim and nice enough looking they can take their pick. Guys, well its impossible unless you are super rich or super good looking, otherwise its really tough to hold onto those sort of ladies.

 

 

No! That is not the reality. If that is what you encounter again and again, you should reconsider who you're swiping right on because it sounds extremely superficial. I've been on Tinder for over a year now and went on numerous dates. I am slim and I think I must look quite ok on my pictures, because I usually match with everybody. Whenever I date somebody for a while, then realize that it won't work out for whatever reason it feels like defeat. Going back on the app, starting swiping again... ugh... it really does get old. In fact, pictures of (or in front of) status symbols or guys who look like they spend more time in the bathroom than myself are a huge red flag. And I have several female friends who are on Tinder as well and - hand on heart - I can say that it's the same for them.

 

 

 

.What irritates me is "well we can be friends" and this then never happens, please ladies don't bother saying this if you don't mean it.

 

I'm curious - what do you expect from a woman who says that to you? I've said it to guys as well and I did mean it. However, it doesn't mean that we're best friends now and I will frequently be in touch with them. That's not how friendships develop, you don't just push the "friendship button" and then have that great friendship going on. For me it means: "I have no romantic interest in you, but I don't dislike you either. So if this develops into some kind of friendship...that's fine with me." However, I do have a circle of friends that I love and I'm quite happy with my social life. If the guy calls and wants to hang out, I might ask him to tag along. If he invites me to a party, I might come. But I wouldn't make him a priority - and why should I? Maybe at one point we'll have a real friendship going on and then I'll call him just to chat or hang out or whatever. But right now, why would I do that with somebody I have just met and don't really know yet?

 

 

 

I look at these people and in my mind I can pull them to pieces so I don't feel too bad about the actual rejection but I am simply left with nothing at the end of the day besides wasted time and wasted money.

 

 

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I strongly believe that this is the core of your problem. You're not actually interested in the people you meet. You believe that you're better than them. You think that you can pull them to pieces and the whole date is a "cost - benefit - calculation". And it's quite naive to believe that the women you date don't recognize that. You'd have to be a brilliant actor if that attitude didn't show. It's quite simple actually: When I enjoy myself on a 1st date - I'll want a 2nd date! If I don't enjoy the 1st date - I don't want a 2nd date. But it's completeley absurd to think that I might base that decision on wether I might be able to find a richer or hotter guy on Tinder

[chillii]

No! That is not the reality. If that is what you encounter again and again, you should reconsider who you're swiping right on because it sounds extremely superficial. I've been on Tinder for over a year now and went on numerous dates. I am slim and I think I must look quite ok on my pictures, because I usually match with everybody. Whenever I date somebody for a while, then realize that it won't work out for whatever reason it feels like defeat. Going back on the app, starting swiping again... ugh... it really does get old. In fact, pictures of (or in front of) status symbols or guys who look like they spend more time in the bathroom than myself are a huge red flag. And I have several female friends who are on Tinder as well and - hand on heart - I can say that it's the same for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah exactly, that's more often reality. But za has these stuck ideas and that is that though , doesn't seem to matter what anyone says or advise.

[ZA Dater]

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I strongly believe that this is the core of your problem. You're not actually interested in the people you meet. You believe that you're better than them. You think that you can pull them to pieces and the whole date is a "cost - benefit - calculation". And it's quite naive to believe that the women you date don't recognize that. You'd have to be a brilliant actor if that attitude didn't show. It's quite simple actually: When I enjoy myself on a 1st date - I'll want a 2nd date! If I don't enjoy the 1st date - I don't want a 2nd date. But it's completeley absurd to think that I might base that decision on wether I might be able to find a richer or hotter guy on Tinder

 

Thanks for the comprehensive reply.

 

I love supercars so yes a picture I have is of me at an event around supercars. I guess I am now superficial.

 

If someone says lets be friends I don't expect them to never speak to me again for example, if ask them for a cup of coffee it would be nice for them to accept rather than ignore me or even reject but at least respond! For example I invited one to a club lunch and got no response.

 

When one is tempted to come over before we have even met, we do on a date and I hear "lets be friends" and she never speaks to me again? What does that say?

 

Re the above, I am beyond the point of being rejected and feeling terrible and how I don't feel terrible is I tell myself I didn't like the person to begin with, otherwise I feel terrible about myself, which is pointless because I got no objective feedback.

 

I never used to see dates as a "cost benefit" but frankly now I do because honestly what do I get out them? Basically nothing because its not like I even get someone to hang out with afterwards I just get cut off and she moves along to the next guy desperate to take her to bed and woo her.

 

Ok so ladies must enjoy themselves, I can count on two fingers how many ladies tried to make ME enjoy a date...

 

So do I turn around and grovel and try reverse a rejection? If so how? I suppose the old adage of throwing money and things remains true, if you cant compete them try and outspend the competition. Ok I am being slightly sarcastic here but you get the idea.

 

I believe I am a catch, I believe I am a good person with lots of good qualities, however the market says I am not. I also believe I am fairly decent looking, not obese but again the market disagrees.

 

A good case in point was the last rejection, the date went well until I stupidly took the advice of this forum and kissed the date, well then it was "I like your company but I need to think about if I want to date, we could be friends" Never heard a word again and that was after I helped her with a work issue she had.

 

I tried before with another lady to reverse rejection, flowers, being supportive of her during difficult time, NOPE nothing. Same old, happy to take all my kindness and offer up nothing in return, not even "lets have coffee" No, sorry people here reject my experiences but they are my experiences.

Edited August 21, 2019 by ZA Dater

[ZA Dater]

Yeah exactly, that's more often reality. But za has these stuck ideas and that is that though , doesn't seem to matter what anyone says or advise.

 

My friend, if women are so tired of this why then reject guys like eating lunch?

 

I sat the other day and wrote down about all the dates I had where I actually liked the person, rehashed the entire date and tried to figure out what I did wrong, guess what I couldn't.

 

Yet I was rejected, in two instances I chased people for years, tried to improve myself and still they rejected me.

[NuevoYorko]

 

What irritates me is "well we can be friends" and this then never happens, please ladies don't bother saying this if you don't mean it.

 

It's just a social courtesy to soften the blow of rejection. The reason it never happens is probably not a fault of the woman. As you know, building friendships is not that simple. Both people need to have a strong motivation to make time to spend together and to make it happen. Many of us don't or can't do that even to nurture the important friendships we already have in our lives.

 

So just don't take that so seriously.

[elaine567]

Think of it this way. You reject a woman due to some valid and important reason(s) on your "compatibility" list. She contacts you wanting to go for lunch and be "friends".

How keen would you be? Not very... I guess...

[ZA Dater]

Think of it this way. You reject a woman due to some valid and important reason(s) on your "compatibility" list. She contacts you wanting to go for lunch and be "friends".

How keen would you be? Not very... I guess...

 

Not really the same because everytime there was no apparent reason for rejection. Don't tell me you want to be friends if they won't follow through. That's just pure deception nothing more.

 

I don't need their patronising "oh shame he is nice but I am not attracted, let's me make him feel better by offering friends which I never intend to actually follow through with".

 

So yes it looks like rejection equals move on and forget it. No possibility of reversal.

[NuevoYorko]

Unfortunately barring certain people almost all on Tinder are like this. Have seen nothing to disproves this theory.

 

Having not communicated with "almost all" people on Tinder, you actually have provided nothing to prove your theory.

 

I understand your struggles. That said, you're not doing yourself any favors when you attribute them to the faults of humanity at large.

[Johnjohnson2017]

Not really the same because everytime there was no apparent reason for rejection. Don't tell me you want to be friends if they won't follow through. That's just pure deception nothing more.

 

I don't need their patronising "oh shame he is nice but I am not attracted, let's me make him feel better by offering friends which I never intend to actually follow through with".

 

So yes it looks like rejection equals move on and forget it. No possibility of reversal.

 

Unfortunetely, OLD is all about looks. There's no time for women to evaluate anything else. They will decide at first glance whether they want to have anything to do with you. They have a certain "Type" they are attracted to and if you don't fit that type they will not be interested in you romantically.

 

The best way for you to meet someone would be through work, where the lady gets to know you gradually where the attraction grows. Or some other way where the lady interacts with you somewhat regularly and becomes attracted to you.

 

Or maybe try a bride from overseas.

[elaine567]

Rejecting a man is embarrassing and most woman feel uncomfortable doing it, but they do it for a reason. They are not interested in progressing the "relationship" any further.

They say "Let's be friends" or "I only see this as a friendship" as a means to soften the blow.

Everybody really knows that means "Sorry, I don't want to see you again".

It makes no sense to try to make friends out of strangers on Tinder... not ones they have previously rebuffed anyway... does it?

 

Any woman who genuinely wants a true friendship due to some sort of rare and real platonic connection will make certain it happens.

[mr_ybor]

Thanks for the comprehensive reply.I love supercars so yes a picture I have is of me at an event around supercars. I guess I am now superficial.

 

I'd ditch this pic ASAP. It's not a hobby you can have and not get crappy pre-judgement on it, unfortunately. It's like D&D that way... probably worse, since tabletop RPGs are kinda geek-chic again.

 

People a going to think one of three things:

 

1. You're a spoiled brat with daddy's money that likes to show off

2. You're a rich guy showing off your wealth looking for a trophy wife/G.F.

3. You're a poor-to-regular D-bag posing with cars you don't actually own to look cool to get women's attention

 

Source: I used to own a Viper for about half a decade back in the day, and a Lotus for few years after that, in my mid-to-late 20s. I got a lot of #1 above. People were dicks. I worked hard for my cars, sacrificed other things, bought pre-owned, did my own maintenance where I could... but people never, ever think that's the case.

 

Women didn't care anyway. #3 isn't a thing. I can name one occasion that I even had a girl hit on me because of one of my cars. There were countless dudes walking up to me in parking lots saying, "I bet you get lots of pussy in that thing!". Yeah, no.

 

I never bought cars for that reason, and if I were you, I'd skip on flaunting the hobby.

 

Just mention you're a fan of motorsports and after they meet you, they'll learn your into doing trackdays or whatever and it'll sound a lot cooler than, "Check out this pic with a 488 that's not mine!". Trust me on this.

Edited August 21, 2019 by mr_ybor

[chillii]

My friend, if women are so tired of this why then reject guys like eating lunch?

 

I sat the other day and wrote down about all the dates I had where I actually liked the person, rehashed the entire date and tried to figure out what I did wrong, guess what I couldn't.

 

Yet I was rejected, in two instances I chased people for years, tried to improve myself and still they rejected me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But chances are whatever you did wrong wouldn't have really even made much difference anyway.

Thing was it just wasn't there. If it is you can get away with a lot believe me, things are much more forgiving for you and for her. ln the odd sitch something might've changed and sure look at that stuff, but in most it just hasn't been there anyway so don't knock yourself out too much.

Chasing the other one, again that's all about what was even there in the first place, that sort of situation is very subjective. If it wasn't the right stuff to begin with you can chase into eternity but nothing's gonna change and you'll probably get used up along the way.

Ps, l'd ditch the car pic too , it'd come across as braggy shallow look at me type thing.

Edited August 21, 2019 by chillii
ps

[ZA Dater]

I never bought cars for that reason, and if I were you, I'd skip on flaunting the hobby.

 

Just mention you're a fan of motorsports and after they meet you, they'll learn your into doing trackdays or whatever and it'll sound a lot cooler than, "Check out this pic with a 488 that's not mine!". Trust me on this.

 

I really do wonder what pictures to use then. For the sake of actually looking what guys do post as pictures I created fictional ladies profile on Tinder.

 

Noted the follows

1: Topless pictures at the beach showing off clearly hours spent at the gym.

2: Cuddling a puppy/cat/walking a dog

3: Pictures drinking with their friends

4: Pictures clearly taken in exotic holiday places.

5: Bathroom pictures/selfies

6: Pictures with large groups of people

7: Pictures relating to them doing sport.

 

I am somewhat guilty of 5 but honestly does that matter SO much to ladies?

 

Look I wont lie looking at these made me realise I cant compete with most of the guys there at all so probably rejection will be the most likely outcome for me in any given match. It'd be nice to try turn that around but when that's the competition its pretty much impossible and the slim brunette with a good job wont have to look hard to find a really hot match so it isn't a surprise I simply only match with the very obese and seldom if ever with the slim brunette.

 

How do you reverse that inherent rejection, sure I can put pictures of me standing next to fancy hotels or on Riva boats but again the issue will be the same.

 

I always feel like I need to try and draw the interest of people which is VERY difficult to do, probably harder than trying to turn a loos (rejection) into a win. When I think about it the people who can do that typically all have LOTS to offer and are ALL way above average looking.

 

I mean do I try and sell the nice guy aspect of me, apparently that's not the done thing so I am basically looking into a cupboard with nothing to sell at all. Not one aspect of me is marketable, if I talk about business then they don't find that interesting, if I talk about my book they cant relate, if I talk about driving a 458 Speciale around a track they think I am arrogant, if I talk about politics they are mostly too apathetic. So I sit there and mostly let them dictate and go along with that.

 

Basically it seems one is rejected from the outset rather than actually given a chance which I guess is ok, I reject the obese ladies, I reject the single moms so perhaps I simply just get what I deserve then find some joy in trying to reverse the trend with the odd really GREAT person I get to out with once every 5-6 years or so.