Is there anyway of reversing rejection?

[elaine567]

So yes I guess women do have all that power and men, we either bow down or walk away.

 

How much power do you think women who are deemed "undesirable" have?

[ZA Dater]

How much power do you think women who are deemed "undesirable" have?

 

Enough to get dates and get laid. Certainly more than me and my "colleagues" here on LS have when it comes to getting dates.

 

If undesirable is due to weight, that's changeable. I have never met any average women who struggled to get dates.

 

I don't know what to change so I cannot change it even if I wanted to but hey its ok ladies don't need to be honest but they expect men to be completely honest. So yes in the dating context I arrive bitter because I know I'll be leaving bitter anyway.

 

 

I'll go back to the plethora of fake profiles at least then I get to enjoy some fake decent matching. Women aren't interested in anything but looks, which is fine so the only way I can shop with what I want is to be what I am not. At least then when I am rejected I'll know why.

Edited August 28, 2019 by ZA Dater

[Normm]

I guess any attention is better than none when a person is desperate and lonely even if ultimately it's a waste of time and effort by both parties and will lead to more rejection if the fake profile deception gets you as far as a first date.

[NuevoYorko]

Again why must I put in any effort at all when I am just going to be thrown aside like a piece of trash? Make no mistake I think many women love this level of power.

 

NEVER has any women made any effort to connect with me so why should I bother so she can take great glee in rejecting me and then spinning some rubbish story "oh we can be friends", which is nothing more than patronising.

 

Ok, you've finally convinced me.

 

I'm with the rest. Buy female companionship / sex. That way you will be required to offer nothing except the agreed upon payment, you don't have to bring anything else to the table whatsoever. The women don't need to like you. Bonus, you can pick out women who look any way you prefer, and include in your negotiations that they behave towards you however you like. Just like any customer, if you don't enjoy the service you can take your business elsewhere.

[ZA Dater]

Ok, you've finally convinced me.

 

I'm with the rest. Buy female companionship / sex. That way you will be required to offer nothing except the agreed upon payment, you don't have to bring anything else to the table whatsoever. The women don't need to like you. Bonus, you can pick out women who look any way you prefer, and include in your negotiations that they behave towards you however you like. Just like any customer, if you don't enjoy the service you can take your business elsewhere.

 

Not interested in buying. I bring plenty to the table but nobody wants it so be it. I've done my due diligence on buying and the concept has little appeal on pure value term's. I just simply want one experience like everyone else has had where just once I experience mutual attraction. Just once.

[NuevoYorko]

Not interested in buying. I bring plenty to the table but nobody wants it so be it. I've done my due diligence on buying and the concept has little appeal on pure value term's. I just simply want one experience like everyone else has had where just once I experience mutual attraction. Just once.

 

 

Your entire attitude is that of a customer who is entitled to a service ("like everyone else") simply because you show up. Like you are in a store and nobody is waiting on you. Unfair! Discrimination!

 

Women are not service providers. Well, some of them are, and these are the ones who are going to provide you with the service you so deeply deserve.

 

Request the "GFE." You will get the behavior of a woman that likes you without the troublesome requirement of doing anything to earn her affection.

[Allupinnit]

Women don't go out with you again because it's clear as day you hate them as a whole.

 

You may think that you come across "totally normal and funny" on dates but I can assure you that you don't. Your threads here are a clear snapshot into the hate you harbor in your heart for women.

 

And trust me that it colors every interaction you have with them. It might be a snide remark, an off-color joke, or complaining about the "obese" women you find so vile. I imagine you'll come back and say that you're the perfect gentleman but if I can be frank - I think you need to stay away from women until you can have some self-actualization.

 

I find that your blanket statements about women are creepy in the least, and downright scary at best. Women would be well-served to stay far away from you.

Edited August 28, 2019 by Allupinnit

[ZA Dater]

Women don't go out with you again because it's clear as day you hate them as a whole.

 

I find that your blanket statements about women are creepy in the least, and downright scary at best. Women would be well-served to stay far away from you.

 

I don't have an issue with women I just have an issue with dishonesty that women practice on dates.

 

Then again I am supposed to just love being rejected.

[preraph]

Better person for what purpose, I am a better person today than I was 5 years ago but rejection remains. SO the question is this, be a better person for you or contrive to be someone you aren't really in he hope someone else will like that version?

 

 

Honest question.

 

Yeah, but you don't seem to like honest answers.

[basil67]

Apparently my post about personal change as a woman didn't resonate.

 

[Try an Asperger's dating site in your area?]

Here you are likely to find all of those who don't prejudge in a neuro typical way. You'll find those who love talking about passions rather than small talk. You'll find those who don't conform and who won't expect you to conform. No judgement for not drinking. Much like mainstream OLD, you'll find different intelligence levels, so you'll still have to sift.

Edited August 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and remove commercial link

[chillii]

Good one bas , and something like l always tell these guys.

Yeah sure there's a typical mentality on date sites and the like , but there's also plenty of different people too , of all sorts , you just gotta have the nose to hunt around and find them.

[ZA Dater]

Here you are likely to find all of those who don't prejudge in a neuro typical way. You'll find those who love talking about passions rather than small talk. You'll find those who don't conform and who won't expect you to conform. No judgement for not drinking. Much like mainstream OLD, you'll find different intelligence levels, so you'll still have to sift.

 

Thank you. Seeing as I don't have that this site holds little interest to me. Thanks again for your efforts.

 

Though I am glad you finally acknowledge people judge in a neuro typical way. Do you think that is right?

 

Do you think its right people don't accept people who don't conform? Do you think its right people judge those who don't drink?

 

This thread had shown me I cant ever win at this so why bother? I'll rather direct my energy at other things. I made my choices, ultimately I have to live with the results of them, I chose not to conform I now have to live with that. Perhaps I was unrealistic to expect people to take any sort of interest.

 

I did however completely misjudge people, perhaps I was wrong and had some misguided belief that people actually look to see good but actually all people look to see is what they can get from the person rather than who the person actually is. Its all about prestige and some apparent value system which I don't understand or actually want to understand.

 

I always thought being a good person and being kind toward others would count for something but actually its irrelevant based on the comments here.

 

You asked me about how I work with people, well I do, often from the poorest backgrounds, many completely down trodden by society. You get them to believe in something, believe they can rise above their circumstances and its amazing what some can accomplish. An interesting thing to do is to greet everyone you encounter in a day from the guy begging to the lady behind the counter where I have lunch everyday. The homeless guy doesn't expect me to greet him so is surprised, the lady behind the counter looks amazed when I ask her how her day is going.

 

But when I think about it, perhaps I am just wholly un dateable anyway, very little about me is suited to it, I don't socialise much, I work long hours, my mind is on work almost all the time, I don't drink, I am not really fun.

 

So yes, I'll window shop with the knowledge I can never actually buy.

[elaine567]

I always thought being a good person and being kind toward others would count for something but actually its irrelevant based on the comments here.

 

No-one said it is irrelevant in general, only that it doesn't score you the brownie points you think it merits.

Most assume that their date is a good and kind person. it is a basic level requirement.

[normal person]

Though I am glad you finally acknowledge people judge in a neuro typical way. Do you think that is right?

 

Do you think its right people don't accept people who don't conform? Do you think its right people judge those who don't drink?

 

What does it matter what's "right?" Even if it is wrong for people to do from a purely moral standpoint, it doesn't change anything. It's a survival of the fittest and the world is pretty uncaring and often cruel. The real difference between other people and you isn't that you don't drink or like politics (there are plenty of people like you, by the way), it's that everyone else has begrudgingly accepted the harsh realities of the world and adapted to them, and 20 years on, you're still bemoaning it and proselytizing about how things should be. Well congratulations, you're right. Things "should" be different. People "should" be nicer to each other. Do you feel better? Good. But it hasn't changed anything, most people are still going to act in their own best interests first and foremost.

 

I don't like it either, and I've often felt exactly as you have. In fact there's a certain personality test out there that I'm sure we'd score similarly in some of these metrics. The difference is that I've always known that my personal feelings weren't magically going to change how society works. Knowing that, I reward and embrace good and decent behavior amongst people and I don't have any time in my life for people who lack a certain standard of decorum. Even if close friends have a rare slip up and do something unsavory, I don't let it slide, and that usually serves as a wake up call for them. I can't control how most people treat each other but I can do my best to control how I treat people and how people I know treat me and each other. It makes this part of life about as easy as it can be. The rest is largely out of my control, and I can accept that and learn to live with it and within its rules. Maybe you should try.

 

I did however completely misjudge people, perhaps I was wrong and had some misguided belief that people actually look to see good but actually all people look to see is what they can get from the person rather than who the person actually is. Its all about prestige and some apparent value system which I don't understand or actually want to understand.

 

While I agree with you to an extent, I wouldn't say it's "all" people look for. People have a certain set of criteria that a partner usually needs to fit first, or in conjunction with the other qualities. "More nice" does not mean "more dateable," unless the person is already appealing in some way. The "value" system you're talking about roughly equates to a man's ability to provide and protect. For a woman it roughly equates to her perceived fertility. If you want women to like you, you can be nice, but few are going to be attracted you just because you're nice.

 

You're a handsome, 6'3" rich businessman who's nice? Great, lots of women will like you. Go on The Bachelor.

You're a handsome, 6'3" rich businessman who's not nice and kind of terrible? Plenty of women will still like you. You can still go on The Bachelor.

You're a 5'6", average guy who's nice? Uphill battle.

You're a 5'2", physically unappealing guy who's the nicest person in the world? Even worse.

 

You're 6'0" and very good looking but also happen to be an ex-convict? Date a billionaire's daughter.

 

 

I'm surprised you haven't noticed this as you yourself have standards and people that you won't date. What if you found out that overweight single mother who have no interest in volunteered at an orphanage every weekend? Would it make her seem nicer? Sure. Would it make you suddenly want to date her? I wouldn't bet on it.

 

Being nice is great in a lot of other parts of life, but it's not nearly as relevant when it comes to dating.

 

I always thought being a good person and being kind toward others would count for something but actually its irrelevant based on the comments here.

 

It counts for a lot. Just not with regards to attraction.

 

But when I think about it, perhaps I am just wholly un dateable anyway,

 

I'm sure you could have a decent chance at finding someone if you could first accept that your appeal isn't tethered to how nice you are, and then work from there. There are people out there who also don't drink, are homebodies, interested in history/politics, volunteer, etc. They aren't necessarily the most "visible" people but they absolutely exist. Think of people who work for humanitarian organizations, non-profits, medicine, volunteers, etc. I'm not sure where you got the impression you're the only nice person in the world, or that that was the biggest hindrance in your dating life. You can be nice -- but that probably can't be all you are if you want to have some success, and you can't be myopic about that either.

[bene]

Interesting that you mention not conforming over and over again. From what you have shared in this forum I don’t really see in what way are you non-conformist. I haven’t noticed that you have highly unusual hobbies or belong to a rare subculture or go against the stream careerwise. Even then there would be a dating pool of similar minded people in a big country. Goths can find each other, gamers can find each other etc. Don’t get me wrong, it is not to put you down but I really don’t see a person so rebellious and non-conformist that it would be self explanatory why you haven’t found your match. Also I’ve noticed that you seem to want a happy-go-lucky conventionally very attractive girl who would bring you out of your shell with minimal effort from you. You seem to want what everyone wants and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that there is nothing non-conformist about it either.

 

I have noticed that people often seem to be clueless about the things that are really holding them back. Or they deliberately ignore reality because the story they have made up in their mind is more rewarding. The whole non-conformist idea seems to be one of those stories.

[Allupinnit]

I don't have an issue with women I just have an issue with dishonesty that women practice on dates.

 

Then again I am supposed to just love being rejected.

 

Dishonest how? Because they don't reject you outright to your face?

 

It would be dishonest to feign interest and continue to date someone simply because he's a "nice guy" and that should simply be good enough.

 

After one single date nobody owes anybody an explanation as to why they don't want to see that person again. Most "average" people simply move on to the next prospect.

 

Man, I'd really hate to see what would happen if you ever got ghosted after a few months. That's an unfortunately common way for people to exit relationships nowadays.

[ZA Dater]

I'm sure you could have a decent chance at finding someone if you could first accept that your appeal isn't tethered to how nice you are, and then work from there. There are people out there who also don't drink, are homebodies, interested in history/politics, volunteer, etc. They aren't necessarily the most "visible" people but they absolutely exist. Think of people who work for humanitarian organizations, non-profits, medicine, volunteers, etc. I'm not sure where you got the impression you're the only nice person in the world, or that that was the biggest hindrance in your dating life. You can be nice -- but that probably can't be all you are if you want to have some success, and you can't be myopic about that either.

 

Even when I find them it still does not work.....granted I find them very, very rarely, perhaps once ever 5 years or so. Again what is the upside here? Sure. I cant change the world but like you I can choose how I participate in it, I can choose not to go to clubs, I can choose not to trick women, I can choose not to sit and talk nonsense.

 

My gripe is purely its not like I am going after the opposite of me I am trying to find people where I think we would be compatible but its frankly impossible because if this were a job interview I am not even getting into the interview room.

 

The laughable thing is many of the people I tried to date are STILL on Tinder, in some cases years later. Not sure what that says about me or about them.

 

Yes I agree women want some sort of resource but conversely I am not interested in un motivated women who simply sit around and hope their looks will land them a provider for life.

 

This last date is a particular gripe of mine, I really don't know what went so drastically wrong, there was LOTS of common ground, a very rare thing indeed but I simply don't know what she was looking for, was the issue hers, was the issue me, I don't really know but what I do know is I got some very lame nonsense about wanting to be friends but when I invited her to do friend things I simply got ignored.

 

I just sat and had dinner and a multitude of attractive ladies walked past and that's all good and well but I know I cant shop there simply because I cant compete. Do I try compete like everyone else or do I simply do things my own way?

 

Its VERY tough to find any sort of motivation when even the best chances simply fall flat. I ask myself why I bother and the ironic thing: I bother because I am lonely and because society expects me to bother. Even I have to conform to that.

 

I just wish for once I did get something more than a kick in the face though I do think I have arrived at the "give up" point because there are just no prospects anymore.

[ZA Dater]

. Most "average" people simply move on to the next prospect.

 

 

 

Glad you have them because I certainly don't.

[normal person]

Even when I find them it still does not work.....granted I find them very, very rarely, perhaps once ever 5 years or so. Again what is the upside here? Sure. I cant change the world but like you I can choose how I participate in it, I can choose not to go to clubs, I can choose not to trick women, I can choose not to sit and talk nonsense.

 

You can accept that this is how it is and adapt rather than complaining about how it doesn't adapt to you, which has gotten you absolutely nowhere.

 

My gripe is purely its not like I am going after the opposite of me I am trying to find people where I think we would be compatible but its frankly impossible because if this were a job interview I am not even getting into the interview room.

 

Well, this is the part where I can sort of sympathize as I'm not sure what to tell you. I think we've reached the limits of what can be ascertained from a message board. I know your chances would increase if you went out (there are compatible matches for you who do drink) and maybe socialized a bit more in that arena. That's still got to be the most effective way to meet people.

 

The laughable thing is many of the people I tried to date are STILL on Tinder, in some cases years later.

 

So what's your point? You think that they ran through all their options, or couldn't date someone they wanted, so they should date you? What about all the women you won't date who still see you on there after all these years? Can't you see the irony in that?

 

Yes I agree women want some sort of resource but conversely I am not interested in un motivated women who simply sit around and hope their looks will land them a provider for life.

 

That's an oversimplification. There are plenty of women out there who have nice careers and aren't just looking for a benefactor. But they also know their sexual market value and don't want to be with someone who doesn't match up with them in certain areas. It's assortive matching.

 

This last date is a particular gripe of mine, I really don't know what went so drastically wrong, there was LOTS of common ground, a very rare thing indeed but I simply don't know what she was looking for, was the issue hers, was the issue me, I don't really know but what I do know is I got some very lame nonsense about wanting to be friends but when I invited her to do friend things I simply got ignored.

 

"Let's be friends" is code for "I don't want to see you again but I also don't want to hurt your feelings, or have you come threaten or hurt me, and this is the best, most noncommittal response I could come up with to achieve that."

 

 

I just wish for once I did get something more than a kick in the face though I do think I have arrived at the "give up" point because there are just no prospects anymore.

 

I understand the frustration. It seems you've exhausted the catalog. Don't you own your business? If I were you, I'd put women on the backburner for now and put all my energy into the company, building it up as much as I could, even if it takes a few years. If you work hard enough that'll bring you some respect, money, and subsequently, more options. If you can double or triple your salary or even sell your company for a nice chunk of change, you could branch out to places other than just Cape Town. I don't see why you wouldn't at this point, if you insist you've tried everything else. Unless you'd rather just not work that hard and enjoy the other aspects of your life, which is fine too, but it gives less credence to your complaints.

[basil67]

Though I am glad you finally acknowledge people judge in a neuro typical way.

 

I'm not sure why you say I finally acknowledge it. I've sent you many things over the years explaining why people seek out those who they relate to. I first learned the term neuro typical in about 2002 when I was lurking on aspergers Yahoo boards (way before chat sites such as this were a thing). It's the same place I learned about the unwritten rules pertaining to social connection.

 

Do you think its right people don't accept people who don't conform?

 

It's not about right or wrong, it's just how it is. Honestly, it's no different to how you dislike NT conversation.

 

The thing which really strikes me is that when I tell you where you can find your people, you go on a rant about NTs What about "thanks Basil, it would be good to meet other neuro diverse people so that I don't have to participate in banal NT conversation".

[NuevoYorko]

 

"Let's be friends" is code for "I don't want to see you again but I also don't want to hurt your feelings, or have you come threaten or hurt me, and this is the best, most noncommittal response I could come up with to achieve that."

 

Yes. This whole "Incel" movement, which the OP illustrates nicely, is not only demeaning but threatening to women (and "Chads" ) I don't blame them for saying whatever they feel they need to to effect a smooth exit when they're face to face with a man who views them this way.

[chillii]

Exactly , sometimes it'd be because they're a nice person and don't wanna hurt your feelings, so what's wrong with that.

Sometimes it'd be because they've had a lot of hassles from guys and they have to take things as smoothly as they can , so what's wrong with that too. lt's not always easy for women either yaknow or don't you read around LS.

 

All this moaning and blaming the world, God almighty man even l've given up on these threads. Women and men both get creative when they decide it's time and they really wanna meet the right person.

They aren't idiots, they see through all this bs too , but they find ways around it and around the crap, l've known many a person males and females decide it's time . They don't post 3mile long threads all over forums moaning about how unfair it all is, they have instincts , they get out there or up there or wherever however they feel they have to do roll with it and figure it out.

 

No on can win here , you just prefer to go on with how cruel and bad everything is . You sound like a reasonably smart guy in other ways , and not a bad person, can't ya figure this crapola out like everyone else does. Yaknow, you can moan and sit on the throne , while everyone else is using their noggin , you'll just get what you always got.You might not like the advice round here but l've personally seen things l even did myself to get the ball rolling, so what and hey , it worked too.

Have you even started shopping further a field at least , the most basic of solutions in your sitch from what you say, or is that all forbidden too. lf things are so bad there anyone with half a brain would've been looking elsewhere long ago, yaknow, and that's just one thing.There's been 100s.

Edited August 30, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

Even when I find them it still does not work.....granted I find them very, very rarely, perhaps once ever 5 years or so.

 

Because you're very picky. Yes, it's OK to be picky, but don't complain about the rarity of finding your people when you write off people at face value.

 

And as much as I appreciate a lot of the advice here, I suspect posters don't truly get what your challenges are. I say this in the nicest possible way: I do believe you were born without access to that Unwritten Rule Book of Social Skills. There are ways to get access to it, but the first step is to want to learn.

Edited August 30, 2019 by basil67

[ZA Dater]

Because you're very picky. Yes, it's OK to be picky, but don't complain about the rarity of finding your people when you write off people at face value.

 

And as much as I appreciate a lot of the advice here, I suspect posters don't truly get what your challenges are. I say this in the nicest possible way: I do believe you were born without access to that Unwritten Rule Book of Social Skills. There are ways to get access to it, but the first step is to want to learn.

 

Normal Person's suggestion radiates best with me to be honest, bin the entire idea and do something that can actually count for something. Ultimately of course I have to live with the realisation I am going to miss out on almost all the dating things, that's a hard reality to live with.

 

Being inexperienced at 35 isn't really acceptable I don't think it'd be much better at 40.

 

Maybe the mistake I made was to be exposed to glamour fairly young, to meet many of the so called 10's, to have met the dynamic motivated women who combined beauty with brains. Perhaps that skewed my thinking because when I sit down at a date and I don't see that ambition sitting in front of me, I don't see that worldly knowledge, I don't see just that x factor, a part of me just gives up.

 

My other mistake is to believe that everyone deserves a chance, heck I have given people a chance I dated, communicated with them even after a bad date and instead of rejecting them, I made myself undesirable to them so they wouldn't pursue me. I agree with some here, certain guys have great capital and value so are probably more deserving of a second chance, guys like me, probably less so.

 

I am realistic but its like having that great slice of rick chocolate cake, the bland ready made cake isn't going to be as nice and that's inherently my problem and a fundamental one at that. The other problem is at 35 all I am attracting are single moms, I never really lived my 20s because I was studying for most of it, never really did the exploring others did because was focussed on my career so the idea of being "trapped" with a single mom isn't an attractive one at all.

 

I'll admit this because it seems fair, yesterday I was walking next to a stunning brunette, I thought about saying hello but didn't because it would just seem odd to be greeted by some stranger. My other problem is if people get to know me over time they do end up liking me to some extent but that's IMPOSSIBLE to do with OLD, you never get that chance.

 

I'll just enjoy life, If I never meet anyone then so be it, arguably I am too scarred anyway to date.

[Rayce]

I'll admit this because it seems fair, yesterday I was walking next to a stunning brunette, I thought about saying hello but didn't because it would just seem odd to be greeted by some stranger.

 

Conquer this fear and things will improve. The cold approach. Your not alone... lots of guys now a days seem to have this fear.