Stuck ?

[chillii]

Hi people.

Must admit , not real happy about being the one having to talk about this stuff but l'm really, kinda stuck .

So any thoughts you might have would be appreciated.

 

My marriage broke up 7yrs ago, spent 3 single and getting together , then there was someone , very special , but difficult, didn't work out.

Then 12mths ago l met someone else. We fit really really well , incredibly well really , if you knew my lifestyle which l won't bother getting into but that alone is not an easy one to fit with someone .

We've had a real ease from day one, in all kinds of ways, we just kinda mold on straight into each other and we mostly get along really really well too, l really just could not complain , especially being lucky enough to find this again at this age and after everything else.

She's a great girl, heart if gold, great to talk too mostly , hot as , we think and live alike , and she loves me to bits , just to say a few. wE DO HAve a few fights here and there and a couple of issues and differences but really , nothing much tbh. Rarely known of or been in anything that doesn't.

 

l really couldn't ask for more although she does come with some stuff too, being pretty well broke at 51 is one thing, but there is more l can't go into but even so non the less, we all have stuff at this age. life happens, lotta water under the bridge, got plenty of my own.

 

When my mate met her he said do you know what l would give to have someone like her, man you keep her , do whatever you have to but if you don't keep her your crazier than me. He lives with someone himself but it's a bit of a crazy thing but anyway.

What he said meant a lot to me and he was right.

Trouble is , it's been 12mths , and l do love her , that much l can say, and l do appreciate the stuff we have , and l know how lucky we both are to have this chance again in life. Thing is , l'm not sure of the kind of love l feel , it's not the intense in love kind that l felt with my ex , it's more of the just love the person and things about her kind of love. A bit more like a friend kind of love.

 

l feel threatened by time, god almighty 12mths already , can't believe it, but then what more could l expect now after everything else, we're as lucky as hell to have this now. But yet , l just can't quite distinguish how l'm feeling about us, her.

Never been a good thing in the past, you should know, but then l should be so grateful too, especially when l read around the forum.

 

We long distance half the time, she lives 12hours drive away so she comes and goes ,fly's, stays a month, 2, 3, whatever fits at the time, then has to go home again for stuff, then back , then back. But of course 12mths now , we need to fix that and she's ready to move down full time, l can't go up there l have a business and my daughter here.

Gf's happy to move down though and she's ready to go.

But l just can't figure myself out, when she's up home l enjoy my down time alone and sometimes don't miss us very much or when l run her to the airport l sometimes should be more upset than l feel . last time she was up home 10wks and goin crazy, but really l wasn''t too bothered myself.

l mean of gotten use to my own space after my marriage, even my other gf was a part time thing too. l'm not sure if it's something like that or l've got my guard up or l'm simply just not feeling the mind blowing type stuff or wth , to be honest.

Every time she heads of home l always hope the time will help me clear it up , but l just go in circles and come to nowhere, then she's back and l'm still in the same place.

 

l mean l've lived the mind blowing stuff, but for whatever reason it didn't work out. l mean maybe l should just go with this and lap it up. My brother had the growing kind of love with his wife and they've out lasted everyone, 30 yrs or so now.

 

Scuse the rant and circles , not easy to explain when l can't even explain it to myself.

Butttt, it's gotta be decision time soon , over 12mths , and she needs to know she can't just keep going back and forth forever, but for the life of me l just don't know what to do with it.

 

Any thoughts ?

Edited August 19, 2019 by chillii

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I get it/you. I have many, many deep and fulfilling relationships in my life, but I rarely miss anyone. I fully enjoy my time with them, but don't miss them. I'm single so I'm talking friends and family here. Some people are just hard-wired to love people but also do just fine on their own. I've never said "I'm lonely."

 

It's OK to be this way, but if your SO is not that way and would be hurt by you being that way, I don't know that you two have what it takes for a long term partnership (unless both of you are really willing to compromise).

[Gretchen12]

I'll just throw a couple of ideas out there:

 

- Could be age related. Same happens with women too. When hormones change, the way we love changes.

 

- People get more attached to things they had to fight for. With this woman it's been easy sailing. Also you're probably past saving damsels in distress.

 

- Has to do with how you see yourself. Your identity. If you no longer see yourself being loverboy at this stage of life, then it's just not going to happen.

 

- Loss of freedom is a separate issue here. Even if you were head over heels in love, the woman moving in is still going to change your current lifestyle. That seems to be the problem here. I guess if she's broke then she can't move closer to you but live at her own place?

[ajequals]

love is a funny thing for a man when it happens you dive in with both feet the only bummer I have seen is it's very rare.. in all of my years I have only really felt it once but there was a close second. So only twice in my life I reached the level of love you seek. I consider it 1 in 2500 women we meet in our lives....I guess your asking yourself ,am I going to settle ? are you?

[chillii]

Thanks for that Co and yeah , spending a lot of the last 7yrs alone, must admit, getting use to it. So weird not missing people or your woman now, man, whatever though.

 

Weird, if l go out for the day or night l miss her, she's gorgeous to come home to, but yet she fly's up home and l enjoy my space again.

 

 

Hey Gretch , yep , know what your sayin. Been thinking and sorta feeling that angle in myself lately with age too. Sometimes it's like l'm not jumping up n down anymore , to hell with it. Like we've been there over that stuff, or something, can't put my finger on it.

 

 

Hi ejequals and yeah , you too. l'd felt that twice in my life myself , maybe l'm over it, or past it, or she's not quite that but does it matter now, will l ever have that again anyway, once is lucky for anyone, twice , getting greedy in my book,

l don't know if she'd be settling , l mean l couldn't ask for more mostly, not sure if that's quite the thing going on , then again , got not damn idea.

Maybe l'm just over the love stuff and road blocking, bit like Gretch is sayin.

 

l wonder of we still fall at this kinda age , 50s, or we're too smart and over it by then haha.

[mark clemson]

I've heard and am starting to believe that sometimes the high intensity R's are the one's that don't stand the test of time, whereas the lower intensity ones are like a more steady, stable situation that can handle the ups and downs of life better. So, not thinking you should give up on this (unless you really want to).

[Gaeta]

You've reached emotional maturity

 

 

I was single for many years before meeting my boyfriend. I love him but I am not experiencing it like when I was 20 or 30 or even 40. It's a love to be compared to a calm lake instead of being compared to Niagara Falls. It's not puppy love, it's not gonna-die-without-you kind of love but I find that calm-lake love much more rewarding.

 

 

 

I think you feel pressure from her moving local. Is she moving in with you? You're simply not ready for that full-time relationship and I find it normal after spending years alone.

 

 

 

My Boyfriend (52) and I (53) have been dating almost 4 years. He stays at my place 5-6 days out of 7 and it's plenty for us - still. We both enjoy that 2 day break. It's not because we love each other less, we love each other in a more mature way.

 

 

 

Even if she is local you don't have to rush that relationship. She needs her place, you need yours. At our age there is no rush into moving in together.

[amaysngrace]

Just make the commitment. You can’t expect her to be all in when you’re only half way.

 

She sounded like someone you’d want to be all in with.

[Gaeta]

I forgot to add.

 

You've only been dating 12 months. You are long distance and see each other a few days per month. You probably only have spent 6 months of face-to-face time. That is too soon to be 'all in'. You need to continue dating and developing this relationship before making a long term decision.

 

We all know when a relationship is long distance the time spent together is always dandy. Once she's local, that the real thing.

 

 

.

[chillii]

Thanks Mark and yeah , biy suspsicous of the intense stuff myself too these days , rarely seems to stand up to things, intense love, intense blowups too though .

 

 

Thanks Gaeta, yep ya pretty well nailed us, really nice to hear you have it and it's what it is. That describes us to a T . We have this beautiful calm thing too, even big problems we just sorta somehow float up and over them and fix, can't explain it.

 

Yep we have about 50 50 time together /apart.l do feel like l want more time, happy to go with it as is don't really wanna dive in yet. lt's not like l have big flags screaming at me it's not that it's just logical and l quite like our part time thing like you guys have, it's cool, best of both worlds eh. Trouble is it gets a bit forced doesn't it with the long distance thing, she's exhausted from the travel, hates it now. l do a 7hour drive round trip for her trips too she's only on the plane 1.25 but hey l like the drive anyway haha so l'm happy to keep that up.

But, it's hard on her , even though her flights short it's a lot of messing round to get there and lug her stuff and on off planes and airports and crap, she's tired.

[chillii]

There's one other issue about her moving down or in full time.

My daughters 18, she's goin through some big changes Atm and comes and goes a lot lately.

She needs our one on one right now and l love it too it's been awhile.

So l really don't wanna spoil that for her right now and l wanna be there for her

They haven't met yet l think they'd be fine it's not so much that, it just that it wouldn't be the one on one and my d wouldn't feel as comfortable so l just don't wanna mess with it right now for her.

Edited August 19, 2019 by chillii

[Foxhall]

sounds like she will keep you young anyway, so looks worth holding onto!

 

the part time arrangement seems pretty good also to my way of thinking,

 

Personally I find excessive travel pretty tiring though and perhaps that type of travelling is not sustainable long term,from a health perspective

 

you may have to make the decision at some point relatively soon, moving in or at least one of you moving much closer to the other,

 

your content too on your own but you would possibly regret it if you let her go,

 

no money much on her side , that could pose a different problem ,

 

still Id view it companionship is better than being on one's own so Id try to make it work.

[chillii]

Gf understands with my d, she's great about it but the problem is it does leave her sitch in more limbo.

[chillii]

sounds like she will keep you young anyway, so looks worth holding onto!

 

the part time arrangement seems pretty good also to my way of thinking,

 

Personally I find excessive travel pretty tiring though and perhaps that type of travelling is not sustainable long term,from a health perspective

 

you may have to make the decision at some point relatively soon, moving in or at least one of you moving much closer to the other,

 

your content too on your own but you would possibly regret it if you let her go,

 

no money much on her side , that could pose a different problem ,

 

still Id view it companionship is better than being on one's own so Id try to make it work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well it's funny but yeah l like the part time sitch, the travel is hard on her though.

ideally l'd love her to just be closer for awhile now but just not in full time. Trouble is we're paying two places then cost a damn fortune, such a waste.

Yep , l'd really love to wangle something though.

[Foxhall]

well another few months of the current arrangement I suppose is sustainable,(but probably no longer) perhaps things will become clearer then as to what you all want.

[Gaeta]

ideally l'd love her to just be closer for awhile now but just not in full time. Trouble is we're paying two places then cost a damn fortune, such a waste.

Saving a bit of money but jeopardizing your relationship isn't worth it in my opinion. It's not the right time to move in, not for you, not for your daughter. Your daughter is at a critical age, from here you grow apart, or you grow closer, don't jeopardize that. I am sure your girlfriend is a reasonable woman and would understand that. She moves local and you make plans to move in together in 1-2 years. As your daughter gets to know your gf better you'll spend more time all together and you'll create your own family dynamic.

[Curiousroxy86]

question to chili and everyone who answered in this thread because I find this intriguing...

 

What’s the difference between feeling so/so, indifferent, ambivalent towards a person versus this calm, mature, not blinded by chemistry feeling towards a person?

 

For chili specifically you mention that you don’t really miss her. Do you have any feelings of “want” with this particular women? is it more so you do have feelings of wanting to see her and spend time but your just not in hurry to actually make that happen and is fine that when it happens it will happen? Or do you not care if you spend time or not. If you see her then great. you two will have a good time. If you don’t see her at all then great you will still enjoy your life alone?

 

Not trying to hi-jack your post chili just curious

[chillii]

Saving a bit of money but jeopardizing your relationship isn't worth it in my opinion. It's not the right time to move in, not for you, not for your daughter. Your daughter is at a critical age, from here you grow apart, or you grow closer, don't jeopardize that. I am sure your girlfriend is a reasonable woman and would understand that. She moves local and you make plans to move in together in 1-2 years. As your daughter gets to know your gf better you'll spend more time all together and you'll create your own family dynamic.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for that Gaeta and yeah , of course my daughter means the world to me and so does this time together lately and being there for her.

You know too , she use to stay all the time then bf's and friends came a long, school got heavier, so we haven't had this for awhile now so yeah, l'm kind of torn but there's not way l wanna anything to interfere with it right now for her.

[mark clemson]

What’s the difference between feeling so/so, indifferent, ambivalent towards a person versus this calm, mature, not blinded by chemistry feeling towards a person?

 

 

Perhaps it's just your phrasing, but if you're feeling so/so and indifferent towards a person you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them at all.

 

To me it would mean you feel love but not over-the-top limerence type love. Perhaps you had new relationship energy (NRE) and now the two of you have settled into a comfortable pattern. There's a real emotional bond, but it's not a super-duper intense one.

 

Counter-intuitively, this may be a good sign for the future of the relationship IMO...

[chillii]

question to chili and everyone who answered in this thread because I find this intriguing...

 

What’s the difference between feeling so/so, indifferent, ambivalent towards a person versus this calm, mature, not blinded by chemistry feeling towards a person?

 

For chili specifically you mention that you don’t really miss her. Do you have any feelings of “want” with this particular women? is it more so you do have feelings of wanting to see her and spend time but your just not in hurry to actually make that happen and is fine that when it happens it will happen? Or do you not care if you spend time or not. If you see her then great. you two will have a good time. If you don’t see her at all then great you will still enjoy your life alone?

 

Not trying to hi-jack your post chili just curious

 

 

 

 

Ahh, no worries.

Things can happen in different degrees and ways l believe, but in all honesty l don't fully understand myself right now.

Pretty sure though it's a combo of things like Cretch was talking about and also my guards up due to everything else that's happened

 

l think the missing or not for me thing too more so about just more of the above.

Guards are up type thing too when your often 12hours apart.

Not only from everything in the past but you also know that's how it is until she's back again , and well aware it's a hard sitch and other things could even just accidentally happen for either of you while your apart.

So there's also some self preservation goin on too, so nah , l'm def' not so so but probably more so combo's of all that stuff keeping the reigns on.

Edited August 21, 2019 by chillii

[Gaeta]

question to chili and everyone who answered in this thread because I find this intriguing...

 

What’s the difference between feeling so/so, indifferent, ambivalent towards a person versus this calm, mature, not blinded by chemistry feeling towards a person?

 

 

I think this mature love is something we experience later in life after a few fails and a few disappointments. At some point wisdom kicks in and we understand that infatuation is just a temporary chemical in the brain and is not a base to build on. Growing in love - we develop love toward a person at the same time we discover them as a human being, we not only grow love but respect at the same time. I love my boyfriend, very deeply, but I exist separately from him and if something happens that we're no-more I'll be ok and life will go on.

 

 

 

There is no so/so in my experience with my current bf. I think Chili wanted to express his emotional independence and used the wrong term when he said so/so. It's not because we can live without our SO that we don't love them as deeply. I actually think we love them better as we're not blinded by emotional dependency. If someone misses their SO after 1-2 days apart maybe their life/happiness evolve too much around that SO.

[chillii]

Thanks for that Gaeta and sorry l also meant to go into things you'd talked about.

And l've actually felt things your describing here too as we've gone along .

[chillii]

Damn, unfortunately , while at the same time l can feel a lot of this stuff we've been talking about here going on with me, ha, probably like the new me now , with age, yaknow, nice to know others have felt something like that way too, bit over the bs type thing something like that.

On the other hand at the same time , this last few weeks l'm back to thinking there still might be something in my worries too.

She's heading back home next week , but she'd really rather just stay now , send for her stuff and just be, forever, it's all on me, damn.

 

l'm back to confused and wondering too , apart from my daughter issue , just why aren't l into it,l still can't l tell what l;m feeling. 12mths , l should know by now.

l know we could have a great life once my daughter gets back into her groove, l know l couldn't really ask for more, but yet , here l am umming and ahhing again.

 

Maybe despite all the goods she's just not right for me. l just can't quite get over the line with US. l shouldn't be feeling like this. l was really hoping l'd be clearer this time , while she's been down again l mean buttt, l'm still nowhere, like l have to make a decision, it's all so not fair to her me being like this. And it's really turning her life upside down to with all the coming and going but she can't move down unless l'm 100% and l'm far from it. Damn.

Edited August 23, 2019 by chillii

[chillii]

Well , l've worked out what's going on.

Gf just left for back home yesterday , she's been down awhile.

l do miss her , already , ok, l'm admitting it to myself. We were closer than ever and she really is such a rare jewel , and a nest friend , and lover, and anything l could ever want.

 

Butttttt, lt's also so damn nice to have the house to myself again and do what l want again,

My need for my own space is really rebelling. Yet l'm also fighting off her wanting to just move in right now and start life together and to solve our back and forth problems.

l'd love that too, just not yet, matter of fact l'd be happy like this for years yet, l even like the drive to the airport.

 

The 2nd and most important thing is , already , very first day , my daughter just rang from school and is coming over later . l've missed our time so much and l've felt as guilty and worried as hell, can't wait to see her.

[chillii]

l'm gonna talk to gf and explain that l'm just not ready to move in together yet and of how l'm feeling about it.

Not sure where that;s gonna leave us because she can't keep coming up and back.

But l'm just not ready right now to move in, and then there's my daughters sitch.