Stuck ?

[amaysngrace]

l mean yeah l know and l feel the same butttttttt !

 

Did you tell her that? How did the rest of the conversation go?

[chillii]

How old is she?

 

 

Funny cause in our case it's the contrary. Dating 4 years and still keeping each our home. At our age what's the rush? Why is living apart considered 'limbo'? We are devoted to each other there is no limbo there, we both have a full life apart from each other. He complements me, I complement him, I don't see this as wasting time or being in limbo.

 

 

 

 

Thanks G.

She's 51 . Thing is , what's limbo is it takes 6hours all up and a lot messing about for her to fly down , one way , then back again, takes me 6hours drive to pick her up this end and 6 all up to run her back when she heads home again later, although l don't mind the drive.

But that alone is a hard thing to do over and over from her end.

Another thing is her lease was up a few months ago but because of us she only moved in with her son short term, so she's there when she's not here, but that's getting too much but because of us she doesn't know wth to do , well because of me mainly. Her work is also getting very complicated because she keeps taking months out to come down here .

And then , she just doesn't know where she is or wth to do anymore , because everythings up in the air but l'd rather more time.

Edited September 4, 2019 by chillii

[chillii]

Did you tell her that? How did the rest of the conversation go?

 

 

Yeah told her that , lt was all ok we talk very well, but in the end still no solution that's the problem.

She get's my daughter sitch , and really admires me for it , and she does get l'd prefer more time , doesn't like it but respects it, but as l was just saying , that just messes her sitch up more which is all on hold for me and us , that's the thing.

Edited September 4, 2019 by chillii

[amaysngrace]

I feel sorry for her. She’s put herself out a lot for this relationship by your description. She deserves more than wishy-washy.

[chillii]

Yeah , she has for sure , and she's never wavered though too none the less , which also means a helluva lot to me too.

lt's not all me though l must admit , there is the sitch with my daughter right now too that l must see through.

gf , l'm keen as to keep going lately, l see long term with us , basically l just don't wanna rush it and l just can't right now anyway because of my daughters sitch..

Edited September 4, 2019 by chillii

[amaysngrace]

I don’t understand why you can’t have close relationships with more than one person at a time like most people can.

[SumGuy]

Gf understands with my d, she's great about it but the problem is it does leave her sitch in more limbo.

 

You can't leave her in limbo. Even if you don't commit now she needs to see a path forward that you follow, some progress or momentum.

 

Sounds more like you are taking her for granted and the issues are more in your head than with her.

 

Not sure what else I can say because I'm seeing it more from her side. I really don't understand people who say the person they are seeing is great in almost every way, and fits with the weirdest aspects of their life but still they are hesitant. In my view, there is either some "shallow" reason they are reluctant and don't want to say or some sub-conscious reason they desire a dysfunctional relationship or are afraid of closeness.

 

Thing is, they invariably in my experience regret later losing that person.

[amaysngrace]

So after that 3 years we married, moved intogether, and only then I saw my ex for who he really was.

 

That’s why living together before you get married is encouraged. They say you really don’t know someone until you live with them.

 

I never heard the same about knowing someone by living close to them.

[chillii]

I don’t understand why you can’t have close relationships with more than one person at a time like most people can.

 

 

How do you mean , what see other people too at the same time ?

That's crazy shyt why would l wanna do that?. Your not even feeling it if you wanna be seeing other people at the same time.

Or do you mean my daughters sitch ? She just needs some us time badly right now , she's been through a lot that l won't talk about here and needs me right now. But having someone else and new around that she doesn't even know yet at the same time right now is just gonna be even more she has to deal with atm.

Edited September 4, 2019 by chillii

[chillii]

That’s why living together before you get married is encouraged. They say you really don’t know someone until you live with them.

 

I never heard the same about knowing someone by living close to them.

 

 

 

 

Yeah look if we keep going the way we are l'd like to move in for sure , just not yet.

[chillii]

You can't leave her in limbo. Even if you don't commit now she needs to see a path forward that you follow, some progress or momentum.

 

Sounds more like you are taking her for granted and the issues are more in your head than with her.

 

Not sure what else I can say because I'm seeing it more from her side. I really don't understand people who say the person they are seeing is great in almost every way, and fits with the weirdest aspects of their life but still they are hesitant. In my view, there is either some "shallow" reason they are reluctant and don't want to say or some sub-conscious reason they desire a dysfunctional relationship or are afraid of closeness.

 

Thing is, they invariably in my experience regret later losing that person.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for that but nope , l'm def' not taking her for granted and l hate her being in limbo like this and the traveling knowing she hates it. All that is really gnawing at me right now.

The answers to your thoughts are pretty complex and run deep , there's nothing shallow believe me ha, wish there was, that'd be easy.

Although of course yeah , l'm also still hesitant to at this stage. l dunno how old you are or if you've been married or been through what l have last 7 8 yrs or even lived with someone, but hell yeah , you bet , l'm cautious and for very very good reason at this stage.

Then there's my daughters sitch , and some things with gf l wanna be sure about, before l get that involved again. That's just time.

 

Even on that one , technically we've only really spent 6mths together in person and that's always been after a month or two apart each time, it's different like that. So even on that one alone, l'd just like a bit more time together before jumping in. Nothing wrong with that, accept that hell yeah this sitch is very hard on her and l feel terrible about it.

[amaysngrace]

Then tell her it’s going to be another year in limbo because you need more time.

 

You’re kinda making it sound like once things get worked out with your daughter you’ll move forward and leading her to believe that but in reality it’s all you. This relationship is a “pain in the ass.” You “need more time.” You like when she’s gone and even driving her back.

 

Tell her these things.

 

And stop using your daughter as a reason because most people can use a distraction when crap goes bad. It breaks up the pattern by throwing something new into the mix.

 

Truth is you didn’t ever introduce them. After a year and you posting all nice comments about your GF here and there and you never thought her to be important enough to meet the most important person in your life.

 

You’re being so unfair.

[chillii]

Have you got kids and been through divorce , your an idiot if you intro someone new to your kids before anywhere near at least 12 mths. That's the worst thing you can do and child experts that deals in this stuff day in and out advise at least 12 mths, preferably 18 actually and only then if it's going to be a keeper. You got any idea how many bf's and gf;s most kids end up seeing their parents and end up dealing with on top of losing their family. ?

And l'm not using my daughter for an excuse, l don't need an excuse to feel however l feel.

And yeah , l use to be happy to be together again but happy to get my space again later too, but that's changing more and more even since l started this thread.

 

 

But yeah l agree and know how unfair this is on gf , as l was just saying , l know and that part of things is really eating at me badly.

Yep , as l've said too , we talk about it a lot and l've told her l'd prefer another 6mths before moving in.And l'd understand if she can't keep doing this that long now and wants to stop. .

l need it for my daughter, l need it for me. That's just how it is.

Edited September 4, 2019 by chillii

[preraph]

I agree it's best to err on the side of not introducing the kids if they're of an age they may get attached. You don't have to worry as much about older teens. Thing is, you're not ready. So that's fine. You'll just have to be honest with her.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah , see exactly , another 12mths or so would be cool with me.

 

Yep , as l've said too , we talk about it a lot and l've told her l'd prefer another 6mths before moving in.

 

Feel however you feel chillii. Just please be honest with her.

 

About kids, yours is an adult. She’s eighteen, not five.

[chillii]

This stuff still effects people in their forties , so 18, yeah , she's becoming an adult and she'd be fine meeting her, that's just one reason why she hasn't "yet". there's more.

But right now , she needs one on one with me.

 

Ya didn't answer my question btw , have you got kids been through divorce orlived with someone long term ?

 

 

And yeah l have don't worry , been 100% honest with gf right through about everything .

[chillii]

Tbh , l feel so bad about it l've even been wondering if l should just let her go .

Maybe she can meet someone else in a better situation , l dunno .

[amaysngrace]

Ya didn't answer my question btw , have you got kids been through divorce orlived with someone long term ?

 

 

Yes and yes.

[elaine567]

Why is she doing all the travelling? Do you ever go visit her?

[chillii]

Few reasons, l have a business here , house, this is where we'd live.

Where as she's staying at her sons and his wife atm , not worth going all that way just for a few nights in a hotel when she can come down here and stay months and for free, live real.

l have been up a few times , but a few days is useless so she mainly comes down.

Edited September 5, 2019 by chillii

[elaine567]

So really moving in with you is in her best interests.

She is living an itinerant lifestyle relying on others, so needs to put down roots and you will do nicely. I am sure she is a nice woman and that sounds a bit cynical but it is also the reality.

You have the roots she no doubt desires and I think you are correct to be cautious here.

 

The fact when she is gone you feel almost relieved, happy and do not miss her, does not fill me with enthusiasm that her moving in permanently is the right move for you. I guess you feel you are "settling" and that feels uncomfortable. She is not the "love of your life", she is just a woman that ticks many boxes... is that enough though?

 

Then there is your daughter... who no doubt in a few years will not need you so much, but you can't get this time with her back, she needs you now and it sounds like she is not going to be close to you with the gf (a stranger) in the way, she unsurprisingly backs off...

[amaysngrace]

Tbh , l feel so bad about it l've even been wondering if l should just let her go .

 

You should let her go rather than keep stringing her along and kicking that can further down the road. She already moved out of her place and in with her son while she, as you say, is in limbo.

 

I’m curious to know the conversation that transpired that made her believe not upping her lease was the way to go. Did she think she’d be moving in with you a couple of months ago? Did you lead her to believe that or did she just think that up on her own?

[chillii]

Haaaa, l feel a blame me for all tone again in that one.

But alas, unlike most I don't go splattering our personal convos all over the internet .

Her son asked her too , his w was sick and they just had a new baby. And she'd be spending half her time down here so it was a great solution, saved her a fortune too.

Edited September 5, 2019 by chillii

[amaysngrace]

Well if she saved herself a fortune she can go live someplace else.

 

I’m not blaming you for all, chillii. How was I suppose to know the reasons she moved in with her son when you threw it in this thread? I thought it had something to do with her wanting to move in with you so she didn’t up her lease and had already been waiting for months for it to happen.

[chillii]

So really moving in with you is in her best interests.

She is living an itinerant lifestyle relying on others, so needs to put down roots and you will do nicely. I am sure she is a nice woman and that sounds a bit cynical but it is also the reality.

You have the roots she no doubt desires and I think you are correct to be cautious here.

 

The fact when she is gone you feel almost relieved, happy and do not miss her, does not fill me with enthusiasm that her moving in permanently is the right move for you. I guess you feel you are "settling" and that feels uncomfortable. She is not the "love of your life", she is just a woman that ticks many boxes... is that enough though?

 

Then there is your daughter... who no doubt in a few years will not need you so much, but you can't get this time with her back, she needs you now and it sounds like she is not going to be close to you with the gf (a stranger) in the way, she unsurprisingly backs off...

 

 

 

 

Thanks for that one and yeah , exactly . l ain't stupid and that's a big reason l've been cautious day one. Yaknow, it doesn't matter how someone seems we all know people can turn it on when they need something.

 

The not missing earlier thing was weird, but we talked about that in the thread and l could feel a lot of that in there, and caution can do funny things to our real feelings too.

But as l was saying, it has been building as l open the door a bit and last time she headed back was pretty hard on us tbh.

 

Exactly my thoughts with my d too, she does , she's had a rough time and l need to be there right now, gf was very understanding about all that side of things, no bs.