amaysngrace Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 You should break up with her and let her find a man who is willing to make her life easier, not harder. It’s cool if you don’t want to move in together, it’s a big commitment, but you need to let her know exactly where she ranks on the priority list. It’s only fair. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 Well , l've worked out what's going on. Gf just left for back home yesterday , she's been down awhile. l do miss her , already , ok, l'm admitting it to myself. We were closer than ever and she really is such a rare jewel , and a nest friend , and lover, and anything l could ever want. Butttttt, lt's also so damn nice to have the house to myself again and do what l want again, My need for my own space is really rebelling. Yet l'm also fighting off her wanting to just move in right now and start life together and to solve our back and forth problems. l'd love that too, just not yet, matter of fact l'd be happy like this for years yet, l even like the drive to the airport. The 2nd and most important thing is , already , very first day , my daughter just rang from school and is coming over later . l've missed our time so much and l've felt as guilty and worried as hell, can't wait to see her. See the difference in how you feel about your SO and your daughter? You've missed "our time" so much and felt guilty and worried as hell, can't wait to see her. l'm gonna talk to gf and explain that l'm just not ready to move in together yet and of how l'm feeling about it. Not sure where that;s gonna leave us because she can't keep coming up and back. But l'm just not ready right now to move in, and then there's my daughters sitch. Good for you. You do need to talk to your gf and let her know how you feel. This is not a criticism of you because it's great that you're analyzing this and taking your situation with you gf seriously, but if I were in your gf's place I wouldn't want to move in with you and wouldn't have gotten so heavily involved with you. I don't think it's a function of old age that you feel the way you do about her. I bet I'm older than you are and I know I have the ability to have the same spark-filled R I had when I was in my late teens and twenties. Except the maturity I've gained through years of experience will add richness and depth to that. I'd rather be alone than settle for lukewarm, or even warm. And I don't want someone to settle for me even though we have a lot in common and get along great. You should break up with her and let her find a man who is willing to make her life easier, not harder. It’s cool if you don’t want to move in together, it’s a big commitment, but you need to let her know exactly where she ranks on the priority list. It’s only fair. Agree with amaysn. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 chilllii, just had a thought. Do you think your gf's eagerness to seal the deal is a put off for you? Are you feeling that despite the fact that you have so much in common, the one thing you don't have in common is your level of independence? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 I guess she's intending to move in with you if she moves there? I would have an honest talk with her about it and tell her there's no one you'd rather be with and you lover her to bits but that also, you are enjoying some alone time. And so maybe not live together. But tell her you'd love for her to live in the same city. The other thing is, is there any chance she would still be traveling like she is now and going back there for weeks at a time or enough to give you the space you need? I'm guessing she'd at least be traveling to see kids. So maybe it would work out. But definitely do tell her that although you'd love her closer, you also probably are not ready to give up all your alone time. Would her work schedule provide you with any days or evenings alone? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 l'm gonna talk to gf and explain that l'm just not ready to move in together yet and of how l'm feeling about it. Not sure where that;s gonna leave us because she can't keep coming up and back. But l'm just not ready right now to move in, and then there's my daughters sitch. This is what I was picking up from your situation. And I know what you mean about alone time. My last boyfriend came on fast and strong and wanted to spend all our free time together. While the closeness was nice to a degree, at times I was so relieved when he had something else to do and I had some time to myself. There's that old saying: "Familiarity breeds contempt." I'm impressed that anybody can live with someone ALL THE TIME and not drive each other crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) The fact Chili doesn't want to move in with his Long-distance gf after only 1 year dating isn't at all meaning he's luckywarm toward her. He's smart, he's mature and he knows deep down it's way too fast to embark in a life together. I think they only see each other 1 week in a month, that is 80 some days together Total! that's not enough to move in together. Chili, are you afraid to rock the boat a little? if so then it means you don't think your relationship is strong enough to sustain a couple of waves. Tell her you feel it's too soon to move in together. That you love her, and want to be with her but not in that way at this time. You want her near by to continue getting to know each other and slowly move toward living together. If she doesn't get it, if she cannot find it in her heart to give you the time you need, if she breaks up over this then you know she doesn't have the love, patience, and understanding you're expecting in a partner. This woman is passed marrying and making babies. There is NO reasons she could not grant you what you need....unless she puts her financial needs above your emotional needs. Edited August 30, 2019 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 Thanks to all there's some good stuff in here. But nope , l've done some serious rocking haha but we're still here and she ain't goin nowhere. We do a bit better than a week a month l'd call it round 40 60 here and there. But l'd still like to take my time , and there's my daughter, and me and my damn space haha, and we can add in there some caution too. And of course my daughter is up there , l've raised her 18yrs she's my daughter, no way something with someone 12 mths wipes that no matter how l feel. Am l wrong putting her first right now while she's going through this thing ? Hell no l say it's what l should be doing and so early in and my gf agrees . She's up home helping her son right now. Butttt, unfortunately that doesn't help our sitch either and we both obviously know that. How do l get myself into these things Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) Funniest thing , last night l'm getting counseled by my 18yr old girl. God almighty she is one smart cookie. She always asks how gf's going and when l told her the sitch she says well, if your not ready your not ready , that's smart . Mums rushed into her thing and now they're all intwined but she seems like a mess, And look at your last gf , it couldn't work out and you were a mess. Godddd, no wonder she gets A plus's and majors in psychology. l wasn't that smart when l was 18 let me tell ya Edited August 30, 2019 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 Way too busy drinkin , and riding my motor bikes way way too fast , ahh, no not drunk though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 Yaknow, l was thinking this before she even went back up home. lf we could just give it another 6mths , l'd love the idea, l miss her more and more we get along better and better, l'm getting use to this again, if we're still then l'd trust it, my d should b back on her feet, it'd all work out nicely. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 You said on a previous thread your gf may need to go back home, is that still on the cards? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) Yeah, she's back to 50 50 on that one atm. She hasn't been back to her country so long. But she's thinking lately she's use to this, they're use to that , might be best letting sleeping dogs sleep for now. Her mum and family back home sitch is looking up too lately sooo, not sure. Edited August 30, 2019 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Chili: What's the issue with her moving close to you but not with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) Hey Gaeta. Well, apart from the fact it's def not what she wants , but to me it seems like way too much to ask . And so unpractical too it'd cost a fortune just to setup down here separately short term. But foremost , l just dunno how could l ask or expect her to move 1200kl away and interstate for me, but to get her own place, on her own. Just seems all wrong and very selfish. Edited August 30, 2019 by chillii 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I was thinking the same thing chillii that’s it’s an awful lot to ask. You’re very considerate. It’s nice to see! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Chili, I do not think you should break up with her at all. I have read your posts on here for some years or months and you are one of the only people who has generally always been positive about your personal life, your love life, happy with your girlfriend, and just content. Just because you are not ready to live together hopefully doesn't mean you have to break up. I hope she understands. You have been very happy with her. It's only now facing all or nothing that you are unhappy. I hope she doesn't have to have it be all or nothing. You know, she could still move to your area and see you more without moving in. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Bringing together two independent lives when both have 'been there and done that' before is one issue. Many people would find that difficult and some may never merge households again. But, I get the feeling you like seeing her every so often but do not want her to move in. I do not think it is a question of you not being 'ready', but more that you do not want it and will never be ready with this lady. She has presumably been struggling financially so for her it would be a benefit to share with someone and to blend resources. It does not sound like it would be of particular benefit to you and maybe you do not feel the benefit outweighs the disadvantages. It sounds like you feel under pressure to act now. No-one likes to feel under pressure - it implies that you are trying to resist something. It's good that you are going to talk to her. If you cannot see yourself wanting her to move in in the next two years, then it would be best to tell her. She needs an idea of whether moving in with you is going to happen but not immediately or not at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Moving in together is a monstrous step to take in a relationship. If theres any doubt at all, if you really feel you will miss your space, then dont do it. Its so easy moving in together; if it doesnt work out, and one of you has to move out, its the end of the relationship. I dont think Ive ever known of a relationship where people who lived together decided to move apart and keep the relationship. Its a death knell. I think you will know if, and when, you will be ready to move in together. You're not there yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 Thanks fot that amay , and yeah , she's had a very rough time this last 6 or so, apart from this time with us , too much to ask of her after everything else. With 100% certainty if we must , just for me , well and this time with my daughter, then it'd be an option l suppose , but l can't make any promises yet , so it l just doesn't seem fair under those circumstances. She was even looking at places last week actually, and ways she could disappear for the wkend so my d and l had our time, couldn;t believe she'd do that for us. You know, with already flying up and back all the time too. Hey Preraph, and thanks for that,yeah been round few years trouble with the old account though so just did a newie. Anyway yeah same l think we should work it out somehow or other too. We've just gone into whole new heights this last few mths, can't believe it , even since l started this thread, a lot like Gaeta was talking about,just too much to lose. Lots of head scratching haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) Bringing together two independent lives when both have 'been there and done that' before is one issue. Many people would find that difficult and some may never merge households again. But, I get the feeling you like seeing her every so often but do not want her to move in. I do not think it is a question of you not being 'ready', but more that you do not want it and will never be ready with this lady. She has presumably been struggling financially so for her it would be a benefit to share with someone and to blend resources. It does not sound like it would be of particular benefit to you and maybe you do not feel the benefit outweighs the disadvantages. It sounds like you feel under pressure to act now. No-one likes to feel under pressure - it implies that you are trying to resist something. It's good that you are going to talk to her. If you cannot see yourself wanting her to move in in the next two years, then it would be best to tell her. She needs an idea of whether moving in with you is going to happen but not immediately or not at all. Thanks for that spidey . Well , l've thought it was something like that too , but nah , lately , l think l've just been resisting, is what it's been, caution, gunshy, she's got stuff l've got stuff, both had a helluva run this last 7yrs, keep some control until l see what we really are yaknow. Have been loving my free time to though , but now my daughters sitch has come into things too. Gf's sitch yeah it's not ideal haha. But eh is there ever ideal , and then if there is , l've had it, but then there's something else , or the relationship's lacking , or God knows what. Perfect often sets of more bells than anything anyway. She's an incredible help though in everything , even my business , so it kinda levels out. Think l'd be good to go , just in another 6mths if all was still well, things with my daughter too. Damn shame she's not just local somewhere, this damn pressure of the sitch is messing with me. Edited August 30, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 Really, the main thing is just the damn situation when you think about it. l wouldn't even need a thread would l because there'd be no pressure and traveling and daughter worries normally. Gf would just be just coming and going, l'd be coming and going , my d would be coming and going , and gf and l would be just developing normally and things would just fall where they may. Ok so you meet someone interstate and it's not ideal, it could even be a pain in the ass, like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 My ex-husband and I were long distance for 3 years before marrying. We were just 4 hours apart so we saw each other most weekends and spent our holidays and vacations together. After 3 years of this you'd think you know someone enough to embark in a life together right? but no. Because our time together was always on 'days off' and without life's stress it was always dandy. It gave me no representation of what a full time life would be with him. So after that 3 years we married, moved intogether, and only then I saw my ex for who he really was. I am sure 100% if we had dated local I would have seen his bad sides much faster. So back to you, that's my worry. Being long distance you're always craving each other's company, time together is wonderful because it does not enclose daily life stress, money issues, lack of quality time, unsync sex life, and everything else local couples deal with. I think asking for another 6 months is asking very little, I'd ask for another full year before moving in under present conditions. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted September 1, 2019 Author Share Posted September 1, 2019 (edited) Yeah , see exactly , another 12mths or so would be cool with me. l mean because she's down for months ata time it can be pretty real like she even works with me sometimes and we live a more day to day life butttt, it still is only part time on off. l know l'm being very very wary of that angle, heard to many horror stories and stuff like yours. One right now where she literally turned bpd , onnnn, their wedding night would you believe and she's been as mad as a meat axe since. There's kids involved they've bought a house, it's a disaster. Sadly they're 12mths later divorcing as we speak. Edited September 1, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillii Posted September 1, 2019 Author Share Posted September 1, 2019 (edited) We were just talkin about that the other night actually and she says and yeah, of course it wouldn't matter really. But we're older now not like we're 20 anymore we can't waste years in limbo and she can't keep coming and going like this. l mean yeah l know and l feel the same butttttttt ! Edited September 1, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 We were just talkin about that the other night actually and she says and yeah, of course it wouldn't matter really. But we're older now not like we're 20 anymore we can't waste years in limbo and she can't keep coming and going like this. l mean yeah l know and l feel the same butttttttt ! How old is she? Funny cause in our case it's the contrary. Dating 4 years and still keeping each our home. At our age what's the rush? Why is living apart considered 'limbo'? We are devoted to each other there is no limbo there, we both have a full life apart from each other. He complements me, I complement him, I don't see this as wasting time or being in limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
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