Ms blendy Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 I don’t know where to start. Together 18 years since college, 15 married. 3 kids 7, 10, 14. I’m not happy, I’m not attracted to him anymore, he’s controlling (his way or highway), he isn’t affectionate (he never really was overly but back then I didn’t really know what I needed), he gets annoyed with me, never touched me unless he wants sex, resents me for staying home with children for 10years even though I was running daycare biz at home the whole time, he is arrogant, and thinks he’s perfect, whenever I make a mistake he criticizes me. Last year he cheated on me on a biz trip, was questioning his love for me, and said he was going thru midlife crisis. He got through it, we went to counseling/marriage retreat. It got better for a couple weeks it and then back to the same old. We’re on the other side of that and I went back to work full time. I’m much happier as I feel like I’m getting my self identity back and that I’m rediscovering myself outside of just being a wife and mom. we’re on the other side m and now I feel like I’m going through some sort of phase or need for change. I was always following his lead and trying to make him happy but now it’s my turn. I’m not keeping quiet anymore. I just want to feel like I’m myself. When I’m with him I don’t feel like I can be. I’m walking on eggshells and I can’t breathe. I think how we were when we first got together were different people and now we are on different page. My stomach is in knots over this. I think I want a divorce and I’ve told him this. He thinks I’m crazy and that everything is fine. And if I want a divorce then I should just leave. I don’t want to leave my home and my family. I feel like I’d be happier if we ended it. Now that I’ve Reached 40 and I realize what I want, I want to eventually find a companion that has respect and actually loves me and that I’m compatible with. Obviously I’m extremely worried about the kids a lot. And my financial comfort..and being the one that breaks up our family unit I’m going to see a therapist next week for just me. He won’t go. How do I know when it’s time to call it? Or not? Am I crazy for wanting a divorce? Should I stick it out? I don’t want to expose my kids to a loveless marriage either. Ugh Any advice or insight appreciated Thank you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) Welcome. Although, I am sorry you find yourself here, asking about the end of your marriage. As to your questions... Last year he cheated on me on a biz trip, was questioning his love for me, and said he was going thru midlife crisis. He got through it, we went to counseling/marriage retreat. It got better for a couple weeks it and then back to the same old. I feel like you buried the lead a little bit here. Your husband cheated on you, that’s a pretty significant event in a marriage. And yet, you bury it in a paragraph with a list of other concerns... I just want to feel like I’m myself. When I’m with him I don’t feel like I can be. I’m walking on eggshells and I can’t breathe. This makes me think that you should end it. This is no way to live your life. It makes me sad to read this. I think I want a divorce and I’ve told him this. He thinks I’m crazy and that everything is fine. That’s nice of him, to dismiss your feelings in that way. No doubt, he probably said something similar when he cheated on you with another woman... In all seriousness, it’s really cruel to dismiss someone’s feelings this way. You have every right to your feelings - things are not fine and you are not crazy. If I want a divorce then I should just leave. I don’t want to leave my home and my family. I’m glad you are going to see a counsellor. The next appointment you make should probably be with a lawyer... Don’t trust your husband for legal advice, your lawyer will help you to understand what to expect as it relates to your living arrangements and what kind of spousal/child support you can expect after divorce. Helpful information to have when you are considering divorce. Best wishes. Edited August 19, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 The only bummer I see is the kids , for some reason they always feel a divorce was their fault. and at the moment they listen to both of you ,that will end with a divorce.. I'd see if he's willing to go to counseling to see if the affair and he attitude can be reconciled , or wait till their all out of the house and then leave him ...They need both of you ,I've never seen a step parent take the place of a real parent...kids are funny that way you could always separate and attempt to live there just so the kids have what they need..both of you Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) The only bummer I see is the kids , for some reason they always feel a divorce was their fault. I’m sorry, but I don’t really agree with this. Children are smart, and they know when their parents are not loving toward each other and when there is stress in the family home. These children are older, there should be no reason to think that these children are not capable of understanding if both parents talk with them and explain their decision to divorce. Family counselling may also be helpful, if the children have a difficult time. at the moment they listen to both of you ,that will end with a divorce.. I’m curious to know why you think that would change? or wait till their all out of the house and then leave him ... That seems like a really long time to live in an unhappy home, feeling like you are walking on eggshells and that you can’t breathe. I've never seen a step parent take the place of a real parent... That’s because the stepparent is not the child’s real parent. They are not supposed to take the role of the child’s real parent. That doesn’t mean that they can’t play a really important role in the child’s life, love the child, support them and guide them to adulthood with their parents. They need both of you The kids are not losing a parent if they were to divorce and live separately. Both parents will still be in their lives. Edited August 19, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms blendy Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) Welcome. Although, I am sorry you find yourself here, asking about the end of your marriage. As to your questions.... Thank you!!! I do need to do this. He’s already cancelled our shared credit card and moving his personal savings. He makes me think I’m gonna go ha e hard times without his support. Which might be true but I don’t know until I try. By the way I responded above in italics but it looks like it’s blending into post. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms blendy Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) I’m sorry, but I don’t really agree with this. Children are smart, and they know when their parents are not loving toward each other and when there is stress in the family home. These children are older, there should be no reason to think that these children are not capable of understanding if both parents talk with them and explain their decision to divorce. Family counselling may also be helpful, if the children have a difficult time..... Thank you both for your responses all good insight to consider. That’s why I’m reaching out, to get different opinions and experiences. I appreciate it. I would stay if there was a chance at reconciling. We did take that road. He won’t do further counseling especially if and I quote “we have to pay for it”. At this point I Have no interest in fixing it. We have discussed options, one of being that we stay in the home together, but would still be unhappy. I need my space I think. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 Thank you!!! I do need to do this. He’s already cancelled our shared credit card and moving his personal savings. My friend, you need to talk to a lawyer - yesterday. Do you have a credit card in your own name? Do you have your own bank account? I would start saving and putting money aside in the account... You have tipped him off that you may want to file for divorce and he is starting to either - make it difficult for you to do so or he’s trying to keep this money from you. When you file, the lawyer may be able to freeze all accounts to prevent him from hiding money. Another reason not to wait to consult a lawyer. You don’t need to file tomorrow, but you need this information - now. He makes me think I’m gonna go ha e hard times without his support. Which might be true but I don’t know until I try. Again, you need to talk to a lawyer. Find a lawyer that will give you a free first consult but be sure that you chose a good family law specialist. Assuming that he makes more money than you do, he will owe you a significant amount of child support. He may also owe you a significant amount of spousal support. Don’t assume that you won’t have his support - assuming you live in the western world, he’s going to be required by law to support your children for years and years to come... You should also be entitled to half of all marital assets - that includes the home, savings, retirement savings, perhaps pensions. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) As long as you’re not ending the marriage because you’ve met someone new at your new job. You haven’t had your eye on anyone? Seek guidance from a divorce attorney so you know what to expect. Why is HE moving money? Isn’t half of that money yours? Make sure you get to move half of the balance to your name only too. Also make sure you get half of all the assets you both accumulated during the marriage. Get copies of recent tax returns so you have info to submit to the court. Don’t talk badly about him to your kids - no matter how angry you are with him. Go to counseling together to learn how to coparent together after divorcing. He cheated - so he broke apart the marriage with that. If he hasn’t worked 200% to earn your trust back how did he expect the marriage to get back to a good place? See a lawyer to get him paying you monthly child support and spousal support ASAP!!!! Edited August 19, 2019 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms blendy Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) @S2B.... No I haven’t met anyone at work. I am not taking badly about him to kids. They see it though. He’s a good dad, just a bad husband. I make almost as much as him CURRENTLY. He gets base salary and works off commission as well. Sales have been down a lot so he’s not making as much as he was last few years. Not sure how that will work for or against me. I just went back to work last year. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 We didn't have children, but several of the things you wrote remind me of my ex-husband. He was arrogant, cheated on me, and was constantly annoyed with me over what sometimes appeared to be no more than my mere presence. As has been suggested already, you really MUST see an attorney so that you understand your rights and the likely outcome if you divorce. Having that knowledge will help keep you from being misled by your husband about how things will be. Also counseling sounds like a great idea, get your thoughts and feelings straight. Divorce is a big thing to deal with so do what you can to have clarity and confidence to take whichever path is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms blendy Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) @Finding my way... Thank you. It’s really hard because he goes through these periods trying to be nice and then my mind gets jaded. And then the ugly parts of him resurface. And I’m like yup...there it is. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 The only part I had to read was he was unfaithful. To me, that ends all trust that was supposed to come with a marriage. Whatever the other reasons are... they are almost irrelevant. Here's my stand... if you think you can work together to achieve separation of equity, and custody... then go to LegalZoom and file a no fault. (cheap) If you think there will be a battle, then get a lawyer. But, do the adult thing, and tell him what you are doing, and that the paperwork has been started. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 In this case, I think you will get what you pay for as it relates to the divorce. Your husband is pretty manipulative, I would want a sharp lawyer standing beside me on this journey... Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 Protect yourself - see a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 I don’t want to leave my home and my family. ...And my financial comfort..and being the one that breaks up our family unit You've already gotten some great advice and feedback. But as someone who's been divorced, I can tell you you'll have to give some to get some. Even from his own selfish POV, your H will have roughly the same objectives. As they say, if you're going to make an omelette, gotta be willing to break some eggs. Be brave and embrace some of the necessary changes, I'd guess the end result will be very much worth it ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms blendy Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) @Mr. Lucky... I like this saying! Thank you. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 Didn't read all responses, but be aware that, if you have objective proof or documentation of the infidelity, such as emails where you discussed it, in a few states that can be a big deal in terms of the divorce settlement. So, you might want to try to hang on to that info if/as you work with a lawyer. Bummer that you are done, but these things happen... Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 You 'walking on eggshells' says a lot. Be yourself. Starting immediately - divorced or not. Life is too short not not be. Your husband doesn't prevent you from being yourself - you do. That is not up to him. Your and your kids lifestyles are about to change. Immensely. Your kids will survive. Are you divorcing because you haven't forgiven your husband for cheating? That wasn't very long ago. I doubt you (and he) are over that. If that is the real reason then counselling may be in order. If you are truly 'done', then the sooner the better. Are you just 'done' with him?? That is the real question. If so, get to a lawyer and file asap. If not, see a counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms blendy Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) @notbroken... I have actually thrown out the idea of not being me. I’m expressing myself much more and he doesn’t like it. I’m walking on eggshells because being me doesn’t always feel good when someone is critical of it and doesn’t agree. I’m trying to push through that. I think it’s a process of reclaiming my self confidence. Therapy will hopefully help me. Thanks for your response Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms blendy Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) Didn't read all responses, but be aware that, if you have objective proof or documentation of the infidelity, such as emails where you discussed it, in a few states that can be a big deal in terms of the divorce settlement. I do have an email I saved from him to her. But that’s it. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Dunno. You'd have to ask a lawyer if it's even relevant, and if it is, is it enough "proof". If it's relevant, presumably his lawyer would tell him to downplay it, minimize the affair to the extent legitimately possible in divorce court. I'm not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, but my understanding is infidelity is only relevant in a few states anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Didn't read all responses, but be aware that, if you have objective proof or documentation of the infidelity, such as emails where you discussed it, in a few states that can be a big deal in terms of the divorce settlement. So, you might want to try to hang on to that info if/as you work with a lawyer. Bummer that you are done, but these things happen... I do have an email I saved from him to her. But that’s it. Where at-fault due to infidelity is allowed the court considers staying in the marriage and resuming sexual intimacy as forgiveness and it nullifies the infidelity from a legal standpoint. I think your best bet is a lawyer. I filed my own divorce in pro per, but we were only married 6 years, agreed on custody, and had zero assets to divide. You are in a very different situation. You should at least speak with a lawyer about what you are entitled to before doing anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Soloman3 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 For what it's worth, I think there would be hope if everything was in play except for the cheating. I can be quite critical at times and have "hidden" money at a time or 2 but it was for reasons that were hard to explain at the time. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 Please take care of yourself and your children. Good luck with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 I think going back to work has had a lot to do with your self-empowerment and self-confidence. Being a stay at home parent can make it hard to find our true voice. We become so accustomed to censoring ourselves with respect to our children's needs and that kinder gentler version of ourselves inevitably pacifies us in other arenas too. If your spouse is already playing financial games then divorce is inevitable. Controlling personalities who hedge their bets or manipulate this way are entirely self-focused. Their to damn selfish to be good marriage material. They will tell you what you want to hear while making hay elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
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