We both messed up... is it worth it to try or should I move on? Heartbroken

[hannahl9811]

Hey all...

 

I won’t go too into detail because there was a lot that went on between my boyfriend and I, here is a general synopsis:

 

Things were good when we lived 5 minutes apart from each other at college. We saw each other nearly every day (which I knew would cause issues later on since I was due to graduate). My relationship with him was the first I’ve had since the most emotionally and sexually abusive of my life (this might be worth noting).

 

The only true issue we faced was surrounding around his relationship with another girl (18).

 

He had been maintaining a relationship with her (to be clear she was not a friend, she was a romantic interest and she 100% expected him to go exclusive with her) for a month and a half after we officially decided to exclusively date each other and stop seeing other people.

 

This put a damper on my confidence in the relationship. I felt so good about it until I found out about what he had been doing, and then I just felt insanely insecure and hurt. He didn’t necessarily end things with this girl, either, as it turns out. They still talked/hung out without my knowledge (found out a few days ago), and I guess if they were just friends I’d understand, but they weren’t. She had expectations to date him despite the fact that he began an exclusive relationship weigh me.

 

I didn’t want to throw in the towel just yet so we stuck it out. Things were alright until I graduated and we both moved to our respective homes (40 minutes apart from each other).

 

Communication was extremely flawed. I wasn’t able to talk to him face-to-face about my insecurities and because our senses of humor were so different (and not easily perceived over text), I admittedly got angry and initiated arguments a ton. The last month or so we fought a lot... sometimes over petty things and sometimes over his relationship with this other girl.

 

Our romantic relationship lasted roughly 6 months. A few weeks ago we decided to be “just friends” for now, while still occasionally hanging out, and talking daily. As you can guess, this did not go well and things were steadily going downhill.

 

Today he blocked me almost everywhere - except the Instagram account I have dedicated to my art. He told me he’d leave me unblocked there but he doesn’t want to deal with me “for right now.” He told me he still loves me but that he needs a break from whatever we’ve had going on for the last half year of our lives.

 

I’m genuinely lost and don’t know what to do. He was my best friend and I loved him. I never thought I was capable of loving again until I met him. I recently started talk therapy again - the first time since my last relationship ended. My hope is that I can address that abuse, and also address the wrong I’ve done to my now ex-boyfriend and learn to cope better with what I’ve been dealt with.

 

I am NOT dodging blame for my wrongdoings in this situation. I ****ed up. I didn’t let small things go and I let my stubbornness get the best of me. We both ****ed up, but I certainly had as much to do with it as he did.

 

I guess my question is, is there anything I can do in this situation? Should I leave him alone or is there any way I can try to settle things with him?

[ExpatInItaly]

Unless and until he learns to apply better boundaries with other girls, I wouldn't bother trying to sort things out.

[stillafool]

Why are you blaming yourself? He is seeing an 18 year old behind your back and you're taking the blame for being jealous and hurt? You should have been the one to block him. You can bet he is now seeing her. How old is he and how old are you?

[hannahl9811]

Why are you blaming yourself? He is seeing an 18 year old behind your back and you're taking the blame for being jealous and hurt? You should have been the one to block him. You can bet he is now seeing her. How old is he and how old are you?

 

Hey there, we’re both 21. I just graduated from our college, he’s got at least a year to a year and a half left.

[123bossnash]

Hmm both of you are to blame but he simply needs to put better boundaries if the relationship was to work

 

 

staying friends with him was a bad idea, you both needed time and space to grow and maybe rekindle things later

 

 

he most likely blocked you because he is now dating the girl you were insecure about and doesn't want you to intervene

 

 

best advice is to let him be

 

and leave him alone from now on

[Maggiemay1]

The 18 yr old remained friends with him and was a thorn in your side.

Now you are being her and a thorn in someone else’s side.

 

Block him from your IG art account.

You don’t need followers like him.

 

He had no respect for relationship boundaries , therefore no respect for you.

He has blocked you everywhere else , so he is maintaining some boundaries right now with another. He didn’t do that for you.

[Silver_star]

Sorry you are going through the pain of letting go.

 

From the outside looking in he doesnt seem too nice. He doesnt sound like anyone I would want my friend to be with. He was playing both you and that girl.. leading you on to think you were exclusive. He is a manipulator.

 

He must have had redeeming qualities which made you fall in love, but often we only project those qualities onto them because we see their potential...its not who they really are. Look at the actions, and look at his words too...the reality of the situation was he made you feel pretty awful and you don't need that negativity in your life. You are longing for something that wasnt.

I would see this as a blessing that he is not in your life. Block him on your art account, and surround yourself with positive people who support you and honor you in their life. You are better off without him, 100%

[schlumpy]

He wants to keep you in reserve in case his new girl friend doesn't work out. You can hang around and wait for him but I wouldn't advise it. He doesn't love you if he can treat you this way.

 

Jettison him.

[Ana1234]

I am so sorry you are going through this. The important thing to know is that you are not alone.

 

I admire your maturity to realize that both people have responsibility in a relationship. I am also glad to hear that you are beginning therapy again. I have found that talking with others is so incredibly helpful. They can help us see things we can't and can provide such helpful advice.

 

Is there a family member or friend you can talk to about this? Someone who knows you well and wants what is best for your well being?

 

Praying for you.

[Commongoal123]

Hannah,

 

This dude is dangling a carrot in front of you by not "dealing with you right now".... and in saying this he is covertly projecting blame onto you. And it sounds like you're accepting it....

 

You may have made mistakes. Buy you didnt do what this guy is doing. He is playing two women. He lied. He is trying to lead you on. He's being dishonest, and to be frank about it, he's being extremely manipulative.

 

Of course you're going to get upset and arguments are going to ensue. HE WAS DATING SOMEONE ELSE BEHIND YOUR BACK AND LIED ABOUT IT/WAS HIDING IT FROM YOU..... meanwhile he wasn't giving you any support. You did nothing wrong by getting upset. That is totally normal. You did nothing wrong regarding arguments starting from this. It's on him.

 

I think the biggest fault you have here is the rose tinted glasses, and/or hoping he was going to be someone he isnt, and you are at fault for tolerating this nonsense. In other words, you're hurting over the loss of your reality of who you thought he was, not over who he is.

 

I'm sorry. Disconnect. Process and see how he is a piece of ****. Once that happens you'll be free from this.

 

Forget him. Ignore him. Disappear from his life. I guarantee he will lose his ****.

 

-Common