Husband's coworkers - should i worry?

[Mrs._December]

Ok, seriously WTF???

 

I just read your second post, you probably should have led with that.

 

What you're basically outlining is that for an extended period (a whole year?) your husband was systematically verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. That he was not only being disloyal, but used that as part of his abuse.

 

The ONLY question here, is why you are still with this arsehole?

 

To answer your question, yes you should be worried.

At a bare minimum, he is an inconsiderate prick. He is again being unfaithful (in the literal if not sexual sense) and boosting his ego at your expense.

Realistically though, it is likely he is perpetuating the abuse deliberately.

 

He is an ABUSER, and certainly has narcissistic tendencies, if not an actual personality disorder. He's not going to change. Not now, and not ever.

All he's going to do is keep chipping away at your self-esteem.

 

I don't know how the law works where you are. So first thing you need to do is consult a divorce lawyer. Then work on getting him our of your life.

FINALLY.

 

A voice of reason.

 

I'm shocked at how everyone is telling you that you have no 'proof' of his cheating, even though your abuser spent all of 2018 treating you like a distant 3rd cousin while expending his energies elsewhere.

 

OP, why on earth you believe ANYTHING this guy says is beyond me. He's a liar and a snake.

[elaine567]

My guess, his new found early morning gym routine includes an OW somewhere, as does his new found one night a week "hobby".

As for his manscaping...

[smackie9]

Maybe if you two just stop fighting, and start to be more kind and loving towards each other, things would be good. Give it a try...stop snooping/stop micro managing who he associates with, stop being jealous...just try to be kind, set up some dates with him, be as a couple again, and see if that works.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think this guy is cheating on you, but he might if you continue to be this controlling and insecure.

[lana-banana]

Why did you repost an identical thread in a different section?

 

Your husband sounds like an awful person and I frankly don't understand why you want to stay married to him. For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like he's cheating with his coworkers. But that seems like the least of your problems if he really is as controlling and manipulative as you say.

[preraph]

Him changing grooming habits and working out could be a sign he's interested in meeting new women, but it could also just be midlife crisis, waking up and thinking he's let himself go, and it could even be competition at work.

 

If you've been having marriage problems for awhile, then it's more likely he's looking, but that doesn't mean he's looking just at work. Have you two even discussed divorce?

[redhead22]

We went thru HE** for a good 1.5 years. We are in a better place now, and I have boundaries in place and am stronger now and not so scared to be alone. But I find myself doing a lot of reflecting back on what all went down and what it meant. Marriage is hard. Unexpected things go down. Here is the short version of it all:

 

1) He started new job. He expected me to cook for him and be home with him every night. Our teen child was going thru depression, and I was taking her out a few nights per week to get her out of the house. Hubby didnÂ’t like this. He tried to force me to be go to bed early and be on schedule like he was (threatened to split if I didnÂ’t, told me he couldnÂ’t be with someone on a different schedule).

 

2) He took a female coworker to lunch alone and failed to mention it to me. I found out and got angry he didnÂ’t tell me. (We had boundary not to). I asked him to please try to go as a group and not alone with female as it looks weird and we had both agreed years ago not to. He blew up and told me she was a lesbian (I looked her up and she is). He told me it will prob happen again to get used to it. I felt threatened and argued with him for days. He finally agreed not to again - unless he informs me first. I didnÂ’t want it to happen again at all, but I let it go at that because of our arguing and stress.

 

3) I still had weird feeling so about a week later, I checked our cell phone bill. He called a divorce attorney one day 3 times. When he got home I confronted him. He blamed me for making him feel the need to inquire about a separation agreement. I was hurt and didnÂ’t trust him and suspected an OW.

 

4) A week later, he come home announcing he wants to start working out in the morning at the gym at his office. I thought - how weird is this as we already belong to a gym near home. I started asking him why and he blew up threatening divorce and blaming me that he couldnÂ’t be healthy because I was so jealous. ?

 

5) He had a 3 week nervous breakdown because HE said the arguing was so bad. Every night during this time, he would go take a tub bath with his phone promptly at 9pm nightly. I would try to talk to him and he would play music over my voice to block me out. I suspected he might be texting someone on his phone but no texts found.

 

6) He started taking an antidepressant and took it for a week before stopping.

He was leaving work early some days and going to get massages at spas.

 

7) He got better and then wouldnÂ’t communicate with me for months. He was going out of town for work (I verified this). He was taking trips with groups and also the one on one trips with his female manager.

 

8) I started watching him and found out he went and got a secret storage unit and paid cash upfront for 4 months. I demanded he take me to it and open it up. He opened the door but physically blocked the opening to keep me from looking in. I insisted to get access to it. There was a pillowcase full of items. There was a bankers box full of paperwork, receipts, hard drives, our kids old home movies. I began crying and asking why he was doing this. I bent down to pick up one of the hard drives and he tried to pry it out of my hands and we struggled. I took them and never gave them back to him. Never found anything on them so it was weird. He cancelled the unit and brought our stuff back home.

 

9) We began marriage counseling. Things were getting better and he was trying. Then on Christmas Eve, he told me he had another business trip lined up with a woman. I sort of freaked out and he once again threatened divorce. He said why canÂ’t u be like other wives and not worry about my trip. He said he wouldnÂ’t be married to someone like that. (This coming from him who was so jealous of one of my coworkers that he showed up in my office threatening him for no reason).

 

10) He got distant again and really rude. I woke up on a Sunday to find him waiting to show me a YouTube video on how to amicably separate and still live in the same house. I balked and got really ugly back. He then set up an appointment to see a divorce attorney the next day.

 

11) He met with the attorney and once finished, he called me to say there is only a 5% chance we might work on things but I would have to agree to work on my jealousy. I told him we would have to go to counseling.

 

12) We went to counseling and he appeared to be really trying hard. He was devoted, loving, caring. Everything you could ask for. He took another trip with a group of people. It was fine. Then took another trip with a woman alone. He came back distant. We started having issues. He went rogue again. I decided to put a VAR in his car to record him. I heard him talk aloud one day but never heard anyone talk back to him. I had taken a kid to the doctor and was on the way to a restaurant to meet my hubby and one of our friends. The VAR picked him up saying what our plans were that night and telling someone that his wife had to take one of the kids to the doctor. Months later I questioned him about that incident when he found out about the VAR. He said he was talking to himself about what he would tell our friend if he got to the restaurant first and I was not there.

 

13) One other weird thing was at valentines. The VAR recorded him making a reservation to 2 restaurants on Valentines night. Weird thing was that he was with me all night. He never mentioned the other reservation to some Chinese place. I called the Chinese restaurant and sure enough he did have a reservation. Weeks later, I suggested we go eat Chinese and I suggest this place. He said he didnÂ’t think that place looked good and said he wouldnÂ’t eat there.

 

Then came the trip with the female manager (see my prior posts) where his plane is delayed and wonÂ’t arrive until midnight but she wants him to text her or she will worry.

[schlumpy]

Have you ever considered that he might be setting you up?

 

You keep finding suspicious incidents but nothing concrete ever comes of your discovery except that your mental well being takes another kick in the pants.

 

Go back over the incidents you detailed with the viewpoint that he's trying to mentally break you down.

 

Can you think of any reason why he would want to do that?

 

Are you in line for a substantial inheritance?

[preraph]

Number 1, consider this: You're relying heavily on finding texts. Why would anyone save texts, especially incriminating ones? Come on. I don't save any texts. I keep them cleaned up as soon as I've read them. Why do you think he would keep any texts, especially knowing that you are going to snoop.

 

The VAR. That was a real intrusion. And nothing came of it. Nothing. People talk to themselves in the car. Nothing was going on in and around his car.

 

I do think he may be sneaking around doing something and he's definitely not opposed to divorcing you. Don't know what's holding him back. You two are miserable. I hope you aren't doing this "for the kids." Kids always always feel the tension in the household and it messes them up. You're their role models. If they don't rebel against the way you two are behaving, then they're going to be looking for mates that act like you two do because this will be their "normal." A better role model would be if either of you dumped the other because you were unhappy and untrusting with each other.

 

He likely sees divorce in your future and is getting himself handsome again so he can see what he can attract. Will he monkey-branch to someone? Maybe. Or maybe he'll just leave.

 

I don't get the point of all that stuff in his storage unit unless you feel he's hiding his finances or proof to use against you out there. The hard drives were there for a reason, so not sure why you couldn't find anything on them, but a forensic specialist could find whatever was on there and erased or overwritten.

 

What was his explanation for having that stuff out there? I see no point in continuing to bust him on things if you still never get the truth, and I don't see how you ever can resolve this. I think it's gone too far on both sides.

[Beendaredonedat]

Again: If I had a need to do all that stalking of my own husband that you do, well just kill me now.

 

There is zero trust in this relationship and he has you snooping like you are Nancy Drew on crack. Why do you stay with him when he as you so paranoid. When do you have time to be calm and happy like you should be if your marriage was good and your husband was trustworthy?

 

I think you should go to therapy to help you to either leave this man or learn to have the confidence to quit creeping him like you do.

[Buffer]

There is something going on, his ego is getting stroked. Possible EA. Talk to a councillor and then try to talk to him. Can he go to your councillor for this discussion?

 

Good luck

 

Sorry could he be gaslighting you to believe you are a jealous person so to continue in the EA.

Edited August 25, 2019 by Buffer
More questions

[Highndry]

I don't think this guy is cheating on you, but he might if you continue to be this controlling and insecure.

 

 

^^This, 1000%.

[smackie9]

It's been 5 days....so any updates OP?

[redhead22]

For the most part, we are doing better. I’d say once every 2-3 weeks, he will suddenly get more distant and be elusive. I did find out the female team leader who left his office will be starting school in November. She lives 45 min from the office. The college had 2 campuses for classes - one in the downtown area where my hubby works and one that is about 10 min north. I said to hubby - I guess u all will not get to see her since she will be in school. His reply was she will be in school downtown. I asked if he had talked to her recently. He said the day she left, he texted her congratulations and she told him you too & don’t be a stranger.

 

I checked his phone and there were no texts between them since early July.

[SumGuy]

....

Tell me this is not weird.

 

 

Just based on your original post, this could all be completely fine. Nothing you put in your OP makes me say aha, that is really odd.

 

 

Going out to fancy restaurants on a business trip? Of course! It's all on the company, people do it all the time. In fact so much so that many companies have policies to stop it. If they are in upper management, L0 or L1, then it is pretty common. Some companies use it as a perk, after all they can deduct it as a business expense.

 

 

All the business travel stuff you mention, from the car to the text sound exactly like when I travelled with a male colleague. Sharing a car, same hotel, eating out together are all normal.

 

 

Now there well may be more to the story, other things you have not mentioned that lead you to believe he is cheating.

[redhead22]

Grrr!!!! Everything has been fine since she left (1.5 months ago). I happened to be reading a magazine the other day and saw an article dealing with boundaries at the workplace and I thought of my hubby and his female boss situation. Today, I asked him today if he had talked to her since she left the company. He hesitated and said “yeah she texted me yesterday”. I said “what for?” He said she asked him how his back is doing and asked about whether he had an MRI yet. I asked him why he never mentioned this to me....he started rubbing his belly and walked out of our bedroom to look for some tums. When he came back into the room I announced that I’m not comfortable with her texting him anymore. He got mad and said I was silly. He said “what am I supposed to do the next time she texts me???”. Then he proceeded to get into the shower ignoring me. I got angry, opened the shower door and asked how he’d feel if I was texting another man. He blew up and started yelling calling me names. He flipped the blame onto me accusing me of going and texting a man in the future. I said no idiot it’s a hypothetical- the shoe on other foot thing- he then refused to spend the day with me. Hours later he tracked me down (I was out shopping) and halfway apologized but continued blaming me for being silly they couldn’t text each other. Finally after a half a day he agreed not to text her again and called me boss. I don’t get it.

[whichwayisup]

Do you really think he's going to stop texting her? She knows a lot about his personal life, they are 'friends'..... So he says right? His reaction was over the top and putting blame on you is a big red flag.

 

Sorry but it seems he's playing you.

[mark clemson]

As a spouse, you get to decide what boundaries you are comfortable with. Of course, if he really can't live with them, he can always leave. Doubt that will happen.

 

I too think he will likely just take this "underground". SINCE this bothers you, I think you need to go a lot deeper with him (once he's calm) and explore with him why he feels he needs this. POSSIBLY he just wants to retain the right to be friends with whomever he pleases. However, I suspect it has a lot to do with some level of interest in stepping outside the marriage (and forgive me if that's already been made clear, I didn't reread the thread).

 

At any rate, although you're no doubt upset with him, try to offer some carrots along with the sticks as you work through this. For better or worse, men are horny creatures. Can you do some things to help him "forget all about other women"? If so, just make it clear, he's got to stick with the program in order to receive those benefits.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don’t get it.

 

I don't know that he's cheating on you, but his need to continue the relationship with her definitely has implications for your marriage. For whatever reason, he's less than all in.

 

Seems like the kind of thing best worked out in MC...

 

Mr. Lucky

[redhead22]

I asked him for his phone to let me look at the texts. She asked him how he’s doing and she asked how his back was doing. She told him her back was hurting and she was having some issues with it and wanted to know what happened at the doctor with his x-rays and MRI. She told him the doctor told her to stop jogging and she had some little :-( emoji‘s. My hubby told her he was doing good and asked her how she was doing and told her she should probably stop jogging. This was pretty much all of the texts. I told him the issue I have with it is that this is not just another coworker texting him. This is a married woman whom I feel he had an inappropriate work relationship with. They have a history of too many texts, dinner together, text that are too friendly. When you are on a business trip with only your married female boss and she is sitting up until midnight at the hotel where you both are staying (separate rooms) waiting for your delayed airplane to arrive....and she texts you asking you to let her know when the plane lands or she will worry- YOU HAVE A BOUNDARIES PROBLEM.

[Beendaredonedat]

He said “what am I supposed to do the next time she texts me???”.

The perfect time to tell him to ignore, block and delete her.

 

He has a crush on her and she appears to have on on him as well.

 

Now that he's agreed not to text with her anymore, did you ask him how he will handle it when she text him next time?

 

You need to learn to ask the right questions and do it in the right timing.

[redhead22]

My first move yesterday was to ask him: Have u spoken to her lately? When he replied yes, I proceeded asking what she texted about. I was told she inquired about his back and shared info with him about hers. I then asked him if she had texted anyone else at the office since she had left working there and he said probably not. I said, then given your history with her I feel any future communication with her at any level is not appropriate. Then I put it in laymans terms for him- I straight up asked him to stop texting her. HIS REPLY: That is silly. ?

 

He then proceeded to ask me what he is supposed to do then next time she texts him. I said do not respond. Let her think u changed cellphone numbers- whatever I do not care but do not respond. So I asked if he understood and agreed. He still insisted that he did not know how to respond to her. He began rubbing his belly and walked out to get tums. I said - hey we are having a serious discussion here can u please take it seriously. He came back into the room walked past me and got into the shower (giving me no answer as to whether he would stop texting with her). This infuriated me so I gave him a hypothetical (how would he like if I start texting with my ex). He blew up and cursed, flipped the blame to me for giving him a hypothetical. I told him see you later as I would be spending Saturday by myself and not with him. He told me if I could apologize to him, he would forget about it and we could move on and have a good day. I was like- excuse me???? Are u agreeing to stop texting her?He said yes he would but he did not agree with me. So this just pissed me off more and I left. He tracked me to the store I was shopping and was waiting in the parking lot when I came out. He was still blaming me for my hypothetical. I told him my statement was prefaced by announcing it was a hypothetical and he still did not get it. This was pretty much our entire day. Last night in bed I slid to my side and ignored him. Today, he was a bit more apologetic but still not in agreeable that texting her was an issue.

 

 

 

 

 

The perfect time to tell him to ignore, block and delete her.

 

He has a crush on her and she appears to have on on him as well.

 

Now that he's agreed not to text with her anymore, did you ask him how he will handle it when she text him next time?

 

You need to learn to ask the right questions and do it in the right timing.

[Beendaredonedat]

So he's not changed a bit since you posted last.

 

Question now is are you going to change the only person you have 100% control over (that is YOU) or are you just going to continue on in your codependency in trying to control while failing at it and being miserable and acting out like someone in grade 7 by ignoring him and running off to shop.

 

How did he "track" you there? Does he have a tracker on your cell phone or something totally creepy like that?

 

You guys have a very dysfunctional and untrusting relationship sans any agreed to romantic relationship boundaries. You'd both do well to get yourselves into marriage counselling and personal therapy so you learn how to trust and let go and he understands how his interaction with the coworker isn't something someone who is married should be addicted to.

[redhead22]

He refuses therapy or counseling. He said- if u feel the need to go to counseling, go the f### on. I will not be wasting my time.

 

 

Forgot to add this- yesterday when he was stressed about how to respond to her and what he would say the next time she texts, he cried “she has been nothing but good to us!” I was like- how the he$$ has she been good for us or me? He said she was a patient boss when he had to miss work because of our child health problems. I said “That is because she likes you! How naive are you???”

[Beendaredonedat]

He refuses therapy or counseling. He said- if u feel the need to go to counseling, go the f### on. I will not be wasting my time.

Then why don't you go to personal therapy? Maybe if you do you'll garner the strength and maturity to see this relationship for what it is and get yourself out of it.

 

 

Forgot to add this- yesterday when he was stressed about how to respond to her and what he would say the next time she texts, he cried “she has been nothing but good to us!” I was like- how the he$$ has she been good for us or me? He said she was a patient boss when he had to miss work because of our child health problems. I said “That is because she likes you! How naive are you???”

He's emotionally connected to her and is making her a priority over you. He now completely resents you for putting a stop to (or trying to) their involvement.

 

If YOU change nothing then you will always get what you've always gotten.