Should I ever tell my son?

[WorkingGal]

Thing is, is he's 20 not 2.

 

If he looks nothing like you & is the shortest of the family he likely already suspects that something is amiss.

 

I can relate in a way. I am my parents' kid but physically you wouldn't think so, by the fluke of genetics I inherited my granduncle's curly hair which is incredibly rare in the extended family & no one in the immediate family has it. As a colleague jokingly said when they found this fact out about me I'm the 'mailman's kid'.

 

So imagine how many people have made 'mailman's kid' comments towards this youth you raised as your son. He may not have said anything because he may be worried how you'd react. He may think you'd no longer love him if he brought this concern of his up.

 

 

Schedule some time to yourselves & broach the subject carefully. You may be surprised to find out he suspected as much.

Edited September 17, 2019 by WorkingGal

[Twisted Up]

Thing is, is he's 20 not 2.

 

If he looks nothing like you & is the shortest of the family he likely already suspects that something is amiss.

 

I can relate in a way. I am my parents' kid but physically you wouldn't think so, by the fluke of genetics I inherited my granduncle's curly hair which is incredibly rare in the extended family & no one in the immediate family has it. As a colleague jokingly said when they found this fact out about me I'm the 'mailman's kid'.

 

So imagine how many people have made 'mailman's kid' comments towards this youth you raised as your son. He may not have said anything because he may be worried how you'd react. He may think you'd no longer love him if he brought this concern of his up.

 

 

Schedule some time to yourselves & broach the subject carefully. You may be surprised to find out he suspected as much.

 

Like you say, it is not uncommon at all to have a child that looks like one parent but not the other. Or like neither parent. My older sister looked like no one in our entire family. It did not lead to suspicions of infidelity. The fact that this child does not look like the OP means absolutely nothing.

 

The fact that his mother is crazy and might some day tell him the truth, well that may be relevant to the question of whether or not to head this off at the pass.

 

(BTW at some point when our grandparents died and we were going through old photo's, we found one of a great great aunt that was the spitting image of my sister.)

[WorkingGal]

Like you say, it is not uncommon at all to have a child that looks like one parent but not the other. Or like neither parent. My older sister looked like no one in our entire family. It did not lead to suspicions of infidelity. The fact that this child does not look like the OP means absolutely nothing.

 

The fact that his mother is crazy and might some day tell him the truth, well that may be relevant to the question of whether or not to head this off at the pass.

 

(BTW at some point when our grandparents died and we were going through old photo's, we found one of a great great aunt that was the spitting image of my sister.)

 

You obviously never asked your sister were you picked on or teased for being the oddball out as a child.

 

Kids are prone to be bullies and nasty minded parents who'll see the striking physical differences will encourage the idea. Seriously. I've a number of relatives who are teachers and some of the absolute sh5t kids say to one another can only come from their petty parents.

 

 

 

Thing is, is the mother.is "nuts" so why would the boy take her claims seriously?? Who takes the rantings of a "madwoman" seriously unless it's an already fostered thought?

 

The OP will do himself and the boy a favor by spilling the beans. If mama doesn't a DNA which is a possibility with their increasing popularity, even if just for fun, may do it for them

[LivingWaterPlease]

Tell him. But get counseling on how to do it before you do it.

 

I have a friend who was in a similar situation with his son. The son was actually his grandson. I can't recall how he found out his father was really his grandfather but it really messed him up when he discovered on his own that his sister was really his mother.

 

The counselor told my friend he should have known the truth from the time he was a child because it's much easier to deal with when a person has grown up knowing the truth.

 

In your case it seems to me maybe your son's mother was the one who was protected from the truth rather than your son, whom some would say should have grown up knowing.

 

I also want to add that since you wrote about him with such affection I'm sure he knows you love him and always will. I don't write that to try to assure you he won't have a hard time dealing with it. You never know how he'll take it.

 

But, yes, I'd think he already may suspect it.

 

I would most definitely want to know in his place and I would most definitely tell my child early rather than later due to knowing a situation where the grown offspring discovered on his own.

 

Another aspect to this is that anything can happen to anyone of us at any time. What if something happens to you and he finds out after your death that you withheld this information from him? He'd be stuck having to process the issue on his own without your help.

 

It's only going to become easier and easier to find out about one's DNA, ancestry, whatever as technology advances. Tell him before on a lark he decides to check his out and finds out the truth you had opportunity to tell him and didn't.

[justwhoiam]

Ancestry and 23andme make good offers for black Friday, which is in 2 months. Their tests are with saliva. His girlfriend might give him one as a gift (not sure if he even has a gf, but one day he might).

 

My question is: how did you do the paternity test without him knowing? And how long ago?

 

OP - tell nobody. Take the secret to your grave. You'll do a lot more harm than good by letting it out at this point.

You see, I'd be too scared to do that. Because in my view, after I'm gone anything can happen. Kids might start speculating dad never knew, and what if he had known... and the children might feel different with different rights. So I'd want to make sure to let everybody know that there is no difference to me and that I'd want that to happen among them too. I'd want all my belongings shared equally among them. It's inevitable that the child with a different father will go through some trouble. But you can make it better for him by being on his side. All the positive stories I've heard about are where parents were fully supportive helping the son or daughter taking all the necessary steps to track down the biological father. You'd need to prepare him, telling him that what he found out might not be pleasant, but whatever happens you'll always be there for him and so will be his entire family (quite likely, mother excluded). Reinforcing the bond with him is the way to go. Living the experience with him, not sweeping everything under the carpet. By being the best father you can be, you're already a winner.

[5x5]

You ought to tell him.

[Maddie82]

I don't think there is any need for him to ever know anything. He's never said anything and likely takes his brothers comments as them just winding him up a bit. Unless he asks, i wouldn't say anything. No one knows how he will take the truth so why put him through that when you don't have to.

[spiderowl]

He might find out some other way and be hurt that no-one was honest with him.

 

Knowing where you come from does matter. Personality traits are passed through the ages, talents, physique, health. He may need to know about inherited traits. He may even want to know about relatives he has not had chance to meet.

 

Of course, he will be very shaken up, his basic security will be thrown, but maybe deep down he is aware that he is not like you in some ways and puzzles over it.

 

It has to be your decision but if you deprive your son of knowledge of his ancestry, you are also depriving all his children too in the future. I know this must be a heavy burden for you.

[Flame Aura]

Should have told him a long time ago.

 

The fact he is over 20 and you still haven't is pretty selfish of you. You are just looking at what's best for you not what's best for him.

[Maddie82]

Bit out of order. All the OP has ever done is protect him because he loves him. If you read the post properly you will see that everything he has ever done was for his son. Not himself. He doesn't need people coming here and insulting him when he has done nothing wrong.

Edited September 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Big Aus]

Knowing where you come from does matter. .

 

deprive your son of knowledge of his ancestry, you are also depriving all his children too in the future. I know this must be a heavy burden for you.

...Thanks.

 

In a backwards way, you have helped me finally reach a definite decision.

 

He IS proud of his ancestry, which is to say MY ancestry.

He LOVED his Grandad, ie my Father.

Their Gran, MY Mother, was the most important maternal influence in their lives.

 

As adults my kids have all made their own decisions, and they don't like their mother's family. As detailed elsewhere, her mother was an evil bitch, and frankly my kids recognised this quicker than I did. They view her sisters in a similar vein to their mother. When they chose to socialise with extended family, its with mine.

Of anyone, he is closest to his cousin on my side.

 

I'm not taking that away from him.

 

There's no upside to telling him, and a huge downside.

I will postpone that downside as long as possible, hopefully forever.