Her jealousy and insecurity drive me nuts

[FMW]

Sheesh. Good riddance to her.

[Melrose78]

Ok there's two sides to this. She feels like she's not an important enough role in your life. Everything else comes before her. Yes, your son is number one. Totally agree. BUT she does need to be number one at times too. If she is constantly feeling like she means nothing, she will keep questioning everything.

 

BUT she alsoblacjs a mature capability vto sit down and discuss what she's really feeling. I don't see this situation changing. Unless you are both willing to get couples counseling. And not just 1 session. I'm talking multiple sessions!

[elaine567]

Parents can be very single minded. My son, my daughter...

Divorcing people can be very single minded, my divorce, my custody battles, my ex, my feelings...

 

Trouble is, actual single people need more from a relationship than being merely a support system to parents and divorcees... They want to "help", but they are not "involved" to the same extent. How could they be?

They need something back in return, but the spotlight is on the kids and the divorce... there is often no room for anything else. If they complain they are guilt-tripped and made to feel even "less than".

Everything else takes priority...

That is the main issue here... she is feeling avalanched, but she can't really express her true frustrations, so she nit picks and finds fault in other ways.

[Nicklb]

That is the main issue here... she is feeling avalanched, but she can't really express her true frustrations, so she nit picks and finds fault in other ways.

 

I also question myself. For example. I am very attracted to her. But I simply got tired of having sex with her, and did not look forward to seeing her at night. She became almost too much constantly.

 

I tried to explain to her. “Would you lose attraction for me if I am at your work daily? If I am going through your things. Accusing you daily? Going through your car? Your mail?” It’s what happened last year also.

 

I mean, should there be a certain flow? Is the above a turn off to others as well? Then she would just say “oh. You don’t want me because I am not pretty enough”. Like she never understood.

Edited August 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

You thought you could deal with it? You shouldn't have to "deal" with anything...that is an unhealthy approach to any relationship. If it was a problem then, it will always be a problem.

TiP: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. If they don't, don't "wait" for things to get better...kick promptly to the curb.

[Nicklb]

I think while in the relationship she had good excuses. “It’s because you are so hot” “It’s because I love you so much” But then also manipulative excuses “it’s because you don’t do X,y,z”

 

But I agree. I shouldn’t have to come home and just know I can’t use my phone. Or have to get a new house and all new furniture. Or never talk to a woman in any capacity again. Etc

Edited August 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fromheart]

Your being abused. Get out of there.

[Nicklb]

Your being abused. Get out of there.

 

That’s what she says I do to her. After several things I have to reassure her about, at the worst times, I get angry. Then it becomes that I “put her down”, “criticize”, “pick on her” etc.

 

I never cheated on her or even thought of it. So I don’t understand her constant accusations.

 

At this point we are broken up, and she said she hates me, and never to contact her again.

[basil67]

Glad to hear that you’ve broken up. Never contacting her again is exactly the right thing to do.

[Downtown]

Nick, you're describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling demands, temper tantrums, great fear of abandonment (irrational jealousy), black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether she may be exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD symptoms (i.e., may be a "pwBPD").

 

It truly becomes walking on eggshells after a while.

This enabling behavior is harmful to you because, by not behaving like your true self for 2 years, you are starting to forget who the "real Nick" is. It also is harmful to her because, by protecting her from the logical consequences of her own childish behavior, you are destroying the incentives she otherwise would have to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (published in 8 languages and targeted to the abused partners) is titled Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Something causes her to be irrationally jealous and insecure constantly.

One of the key features of BPD is a strong fear of abandonment. It is so strong that a pwBPD will see threats of abandonment all around her, even where they don't exist.

 

My BPD exW, e.g., would start feeling abandoned if I walked a few steps ahead of her on a crowded, narrow sidewalk. She interpreted it to mean that I was embarrassed to be seen next to her in public and thus must be planning to leave her. She also would feel threatened by my spending time with my friends or family. She interpreted it to mean I was choosing THEM over HER.

 

This strong abandonment fear -- and the other 8 symptoms of BPD -- are believed to originate from a trauma experienced before age 5 (due to heredity and/or parental neglect/abandonment).

 

She was always telling me I am her one love in her life.

If your exGF is a pwBPD, she is capable of loving you very intensely but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only ten seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a childish behavior called "black-white thinking."

 

Like a young child, a pwBPD is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

 

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because her close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have any really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

Significantly, a pwBPD relies on B-W thinking to not only judge other people but also to judge HERSELF. This means that, when she realizes she has made a mistake or has a flaw, she will suddenly view herself as being "all bad." This is why her subconscious works 24/7 projecting nearly all painful feelings and bad thoughts onto YOU. The result is that she will view herself as "The Victim." Always "The Victim."

 

Just daily, always something.

Nick, if your exGF is an untreated pwBPD, whatever you do likely will be wrong much of the time. She will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO and hurtful when you DON'T.

 

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

 

Hence, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

 

In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist.

 

This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. As you say above, "It was the same cycle. Over and over."

 

Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto YOU -- as noted earlier. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from YOU.

 

Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with a pwBPD, you will often find yourself hurting her -- i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still in a room saying absolutely nothing.

 

She has been almost stalkerish.

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose her issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

Edited August 25, 2019 by Downtown

[fromheart]

I think it's great that the relationship is over. Never, ever form intimate relations with these types of women. Now you've had this experience, you can use it to spot the signs of madness early on, and get the hell out of there.

[Nicklb]

Nick, you're describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling demands, temper tantrums, great fear of abandonment (irrational jealousy), black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

 

It was so odd.. She was also a people pleaser. Meaning she would be willing to help me in any way possible. And she did.. But also, in a way, EVERYTHING was about her. And I have thought of the BPD before. She fits other parts of the criteria.

 

I would be able to talk to many people about my case, EXCEPT her. My friends would show emotion, be mad, offer advice, and she would more or less be like "oh ok thats good".

 

I remember another incident. I told her I got the last affidavit I needed right before the deadline of court. And I had her read it. I was in a great mood.

 

It was from a close male friend of mine of over 18 years. And he said many great things about me. And he included that I went to his daughters birthday party, and we were all playing hide and seek. (I think his daughter is like 9)

 

Well, after that, the evening was ruined. She said that one day I was going to marry his daughter!!! I was like "WTF??"

 

Also, I noticed, after a while, just being around her was tiring.. Even if we did not do anything. Or argue. Just a constant mental stress. It got to a point where I really wanted to spend nights alone, just by myself doing nothing.

 

So in the end, (since she is a people pleaser), she accused me of using her for all of her help. But I know her , and I can almost guarantee she is already with someone else.

[smackie9]

This is a lesson learned (I hope) that you can't fix these people, or hope it just "goes away". It doesn't, it's for life. Depending on the person, therapy and drug therapy works well, for others, like my mother, it does not. She's in her 80's now, and the drugs don't work all that well, never did. She still goes into mania, and I have to shut off my phone to get peace. OP you did the right thing....time to shut your phone off/put her on ignore.

[Watercolors]

That’s what she says I do to her. After several things I have to reassure her about, at the worst times, I get angry. Then it becomes that I “put her down”, “criticize”, “pick on her” etc.

 

I never cheated on her or even thought of it. So I don’t understand her constant accusations.

 

At this point we are broken up, and she said she hates me, and never to contact her again.

 

It's smart that you are broken up with her. Please don't give her another chance. Please...for your son's sake. Do you want him around someone that immature, manipulative, self-absorbed and petty?

 

She sounds like a child, frankly, from everything that you've written. She was projecting a LOT on to you, when your shoulders were already burdened with handling your ex-wife, your son's custody hearing, your work and career, your health, your friendships, etc.

 

I know you're 40 and maybe you like to date younger women. But let her serve as a horrible horrible warning to you, that most younger single women without children can't adjust to or transition into the role of step-parent because they want to be the focus of attention from their man first.

 

She was obviously insecure and jealous of your ex-wife, of your female lawyer -- that's her projecting her insecurities and jealousy rather than communicate it to you straightforwardly like a mature adult can. Ask yourself, do you really need to put up with that sort of nonsense from your romantic partner? No, you don't.

 

It's good that you had very strong boundaries with her, not letting her move in with you. Always follow your gut. Your son's welfare and safety comes first, which is why you have 100% custody (and congratulations on winning that battle!). Stay away from your ex. She'll probably breadcrumb you if she hasn't already, with texts here and there, to check up on you and see if you've moved on already (b/c she is insecure). Just ignore the texts. Focus on your life with your son.

[Nicklb]

 

I know you're 40 and maybe you like to date younger women. But let her serve as a horrible horrible warning to you, that most younger single women without children can't adjust to or transition into the role of step-parent because they want to be the focus of attention from their man.

 

Yes. And I feel that’s the part she could not understand.

 

Physically, and with her time, she enjoyed decorating, playing, hanging out, being with my son and I etc. She wanted to be a part of something.

 

But she couldn’t understand that the emotional stress she added took away from all the help she provided. And I suggested to her to perhaps find a single guy without kids, and he might have more time and energy to constantly make her feel secure.