MM changed his mind!

[BellaD2003]

I have been in a kind of relationship for 6 years with a MM. To begin with we wanted to be together and moved our lives around so we could be together as much as possible. We started our own business together so we could be with each other 8-5 and the weekends would be painful. We had a couple of stressful jobs and he didn't deal with the stress too well. He spent more time at home to avoid work and as such has changed his mind on being with me. He has decided that he would like to carry on the affair, and has done but a lot less involved than previously given, I do the contacting and chasing and he has openly said he will never leave his wife. What do I do? My feelings haven't changed but he is no only giving me scraps of emotion. Sex occasionally when he isn't too stressed and I have given this my all and I feel as if he is pushing me to leave him so it looks like im the one who ran out on the business and the relationship.

Am I being used? I feel terrible all the time because it must have been something I did. it must have been something I couldn't be, I moved my whole life because we had a plan which he no longer wants to be a part of.

[SophieG]

And how are you not really the other woman if he’s married and refusing to leave his wife?

[FMW]

I'm confused by the "not the other woman" comment as well. He's married. You're involved emotionally and sexually with him. So yes, that makes you the other woman.

 

I don't think you're being used because it sounds like a very well planned out business and personal relationship, planned by both of you. It's just taken a turn that you no longer like, as both personal and business matters can.

 

It's the nature of an affair for one or both parties to change course over time, there are plenty of stories here that prove that out.

 

You will continue to feel terrible all the time until you take control of your own life and stop letting what he does or doesn't do control you.

 

Start looking for options out of the business involvement and stop accepting the "scraps of emotion" he's tossing you.

 

Easier said than done, I know. But if you want to stop feeling terrible you don't have any other choice.

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry, but I think you need to accept the reality that this is not going to work out the way you had planned.

 

Two reasons - one, he is unable to deal with stress. That makes the business a bad idea. Is it possible that he can either buy you out so that you are the sole owner or can you sell the business? Based on what you have written, it sounds like you are doing most of the work anyway. The other reason why this will not work, he has decided not to leave his wife. This makes continuing the affair a very bad idea.

 

My friend, why are you chasing him? Why are you the one doing all the contacting? His actions are very clear, it’s time to end it.

 

I hate to say it, but it is very unwise to bet on a married man. You placed your trust unwisely, you got involved with this man as though he was a single man. But, he’s not. He’s married, you are the other woman, and it is going to be very hard for you to untangle from this situation because you are in deep.

 

Have you been to see a counsellor? You are going to need support and I would encourage you to find a good counsellor.

[heartwhole2]

He has decided that he would like to carry on the affair, and has done but a lot less involved than previously given, I do the contacting and chasing and he has openly said he will never leave his wife. What do I do? My feelings haven't changed but he is no only giving me scraps of emotion. Sex occasionally when he isn't too stressed and I have given this my all and I feel as if he is pushing me to leave him so it looks like im the one who ran out on the business and the relationship.

Am I being used? I feel terrible all the time because it must have been something I did. it must have been something I couldn't be, I moved my whole life because we had a plan which he no longer wants to be a part of.

 

Let's pretend he were a single guy your friend was dating. They had a great relationship in the beginning, but then he pulled back and started acting half-interested, wishy-washy, etc. Would you tell her, "It must have been something you did. It must have been something you couldn't be." I hope you wouldn't! Relationships don't always work out. We can't control the other person and their feelings or desires. We can only decide what we want and move on when the other person can't offer it. Another person not being into us is not a reflection of our worth. It just means that the two of you are not a good fit. I hope you'd tell your friend, "Look, he's just not that into you, and that's HIS LOSS! Go find someone who treats you the way you deserve!"

 

But the thing is, he is married. And when he chose to act like he was married to you five days a week instead of being honest with his wife, he demonstrated that he is conflict-avoidant and OK with lying and cheating. So you know right off the bat that you are not dealing with a man who is good at healthy relationships. It doesn't surprise me at all that he's trying to push you away so that you'll be the bad guy. If he was good at hard conversations, he'd have had them with his wife a long time ago and you wouldn't have a relationship at all (or he'd be divorced). The fact that he was willing to have an affair tells you a lot about him, and none of it is a good indicator for a healthy and lasting relationship.

 

For your part, I hope you will get into therapy if you're not already seeing a counselor. You'll want someone who can help you grieve as well as explore issues of self-esteem and healthy boundaries.

[BaileyB]

The fact that he was willing to have an affair tells you a lot about him, and none of it is a good indicator for a healthy and lasting relationship.

 

So true. OP, you are now experiencing this man in much the same way as his wife must experience their marriage. When the going gets tough, he checks out. He is unreliable and conflict avoidant. He avoids having the discussion with you about the business and the end of the affair in much the same way that he avoids telling his wife that he is having an affair. None of this makes him a healthy or reliable relationship or business partner.

 

For your part, I hope you will get into therapy if you're not already seeing a counselor. You'll want someone who can help you grieve as well as explore issues of self-esteem and healthy boundaries.

 

This is very good advice. As always, heartwhole.

Edited August 19, 2019 by BaileyB
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[Amethyst68]

The fact you are business partners/work together does not make you any less an OW in fact you actually set up your professional lives to support the affair.

 

All that has done is make it so much harder for you to disengage from this MM when you still have to him every day.

[Crazelnut]

You are, indeed, the Other Woman. And you are being relegated to less than that, actually. Why would you chase after a man who clearly doesn't love you? Jeez, it sounds like he doesn't even like you anymore.

 

I'd suggest that you see a lawyer to get the joint business untangled and go date a man who isn't married and who might actually want to be with you.

 

tl;dr -- Give up on this.

[pepperbird]

Just because he seems to be choosing his wife and marriage doesn't mean he was using you nor does it make him some sort of evil doer. He is what he always was. The way he treated his wife showed you who he was.

[mark clemson]

As pointed out, the situation you describe could easily happen with a single man as well. He lost interest and doesn't want to continue things.

 

Suggest you consider treating it in a way similar to that and moving on, including figuring out a way to end the business relationship as well if you desire to do so...

[BaileyB]

As has been said, you created a professional life with this man to support your affair. And yet, when you end your relationship it’s going to be like ending any relationship/business partnership.

 

What has been implied but not said is that it’s going to be very difficult for you to work with this man if/when you do end the affair. Many people who have had workplace affairs will say on this board that continuing to work together in the same workplace is difficult, if not impossible to do.

 

I really do hope that you have a good counsellor, and a good lawyer if/when you chose to end your business partnership with this man. It’s going to be difficult, even without the emotional grief of losing a relationship that was important to you.

[TheRainbow]

You were being used all along. I was the other woman in my affair with my former boss. In that case, unknowingly at the time, the roles were reversed. The other man really thought I wanted to be with him especially after my daughter (his biological daughter) was born. I never liked him that way. I felt intimated by him, and the moment he was out of my life the better it was. I would cut off the affair. Who cares if it means you are running away. You two were never in a relationship. You were [an affair partner] and would continue to be one. The best thing you can do for yourself is gain self-respect and cut contact with him. There are so many other men out there, that are not married, and not taken.

Edited August 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BellaD2003]

I see how what I have written seems and I do take responsibility, I suppose I came here because it will be hard, I read about people who have ended their affairs but I feel like in order to do this I will be changing my whole life, this has been going on a long time and I know its wrong and I can see that he is poisonous to my emotions, I feel manipulated to work harder and longer whilst he and his wife go off on holiday on the profits I am making. If I take a step back I cant believe what has happened to me, I am normally so switched on to being taken advantage of and this is why I really do think I love him. Its a ridiculous situation and to be honest I am embarrassed. Its not like I can confide in anyone about it.

 

I wrote that I wasn't sure whether I was the other woman because we are always portrayed as the bad ones, the ones that get the hotel rooms, the gifts, the dinners and nights away. In my situation it is reversed I see the side of him that stresses about money, the side that complains about things at home, the side that tells me he's tired all the time and moans about his medication, that he's not feeling like sex today. It feels like I am the wife, as bad as that is to say. She calls him several times a day and is greeted with nothing but happiness and I hear of meals out, holidays planned, they are looking to buy a bigger house. Am I ok to feel confused by this reversal? The affair was supposed to be the fun and exciting bit wasn't it?

[BaileyB]

So, you have gotten the short end of the stick here. How much longer are you going to continue to work to finance their vacations?

 

Rather than complain, perhaps you should talk to a lawyer today. If you want to keep the business going, because it is also your income, I would be interested to know how you go about getting him to buy you out.

 

Does the wife know about you? I hate to say it, but if he refuses to buy you out of the business, perhaps that is the leverage you use to get him to give you your freedom as it relates to the business.

 

It’s time to end this. I’m sorry you were taken advantage of - it’s time to take back your power. A man who loves you would never do this to you.

[BellaD2003]

You are right, I know you are right. I can feel how bitter I have become, how jealous and that sick feeling you get in your tummy when you think about who you used to be before all this.

Writing it down has really helped, its made me see it for what it is.

Thank you for your words, I need to look into how I can exit and I know that the wife thing is really the only way to lever what I need to escape all this in my direction.

 

She doesn't have a clue, and for that I feel a bit empty, I spent a good deal of timing hating myself and wishing I was her but really if she knew what she was really married to I wouldn't want to be her.

 

My bitterness comes from watching how he behaves with her/towards her and the comparison with how he treats me. I wanted to bring her down a peg or two from the smug family posts she puts on Facebook etc but that's not her fault.

[Amethyst68]

Well by bring in business together and by doing so purposefully you have eroded those boundaries that would normally exist, even in an affair. While a MM may not usually moan about money concerns to his OW if it's your joint profit then of course he's going to, same as getting the normal daily groans from running a business or working together. It's normal for people to gripe about how tired they are, how boring the day is etc.... it's just not what you expected from your affair. Not to mention the additional downside of seeing that he seems to value his wife.

 

OP, what would it take for you to split the business and just leave? Start something new for you - at least the work should take the work off MM for a while!

[heartwhole2]

You are right, I know you are right. I can feel how bitter I have become, how jealous and that sick feeling you get in your tummy when you think about who you used to be before all this.

 

If you sit quietly, can you pull up the feeling of who you used to be before the affair? Were you confident, compassionate, fun, etc.? You're starting a long journey back to yourself and it's helpful to ground yourself.

 

Re smug Facebook posts, I think that how we view other people's Facebook posts is a reflection on us, not them. I am content with who I am and what I have, and when other people share their joy on Facebook, I feel happy for them. Not everyone views life as a competition or feels envious when others have joy. You don't have to be that person any more.

 

This week please make appointments to see a lawyer for advice on how to dissolve the partnership and to see a counselor for help with the transitions and soul searching.

[BaileyB]

I spent a good deal of timing hating myself and wishing I was her but really if she knew what she was really married to I wouldn't want to be her.

 

No, you most definitely do not want to be her.

 

I’m sorry that you find yourself in a difficult position. But, let’s not forget that you chose this for yourself. I’m not saying that to be unkind, but to perhaps help you to deal with the bitterness you are feeling. Of course, you have every right to feel bitter and be angry with him, but let’s not forget that you signed on to build a business with this man and effectively break up this family.

 

As I have suggested, I would take the bitterness you are feeling and quietly go about the business of ending this relationship. As we have suggested, the first thing to do is to talk with a lawyer. I wish you luck as you do this... keep posting. You have support here.

[BaileyB]

Re smug Facebook posts, I think that how we view other people's Facebook posts is a reflection on us, not them. I am content with who I am and what I have, and when other people share their joy on Facebook, I feel happy for them. Not everyone views life as a competition or feels envious when others have joy. You don't have to be that person any more.

 

I really agree. To you, it may be a smug Facebook post. But to her, she is going about her life with her family... She doesn’t know that she is in competition with you, so she would have no reason to be smug.

[pepperbird]

op,

you sound like another OW who lost "herself" in an affair.

 

 

Just re-read the line where you were ticked at his wife because she makes Facebook posts about her happy life and you want to take her down a peg ( I know you wouldn't really do that).

 

Think about that for a minute, and now think about your mindset pre-affair. If you had heard about a situation like yours before you started seeing MM , would you have seen his wife as being "smug" simply because she's making Facebook posts that are positive about her life? Would you have felt she needed to be taken down a peg, or would you have been happy to see someone who felt good about her life ( even if they were full of it, as is much of social media), sad because she had no idea what her husband was doing behind her back and angry at him for treating her like that?

 

My guess is that it's the second. You'd feel good knowing someone else was happy, but sad about the backstory. Find that person again. She's still in there. Find her, and you'll be well on your way to kicking him out of your life and heart for good.

[BellaD2003]

I know I can be the person I want to be again, its amazing how someone can influence your mood, they way you feel about yourself and the life you are living. I haven't seen him in 10 days due to holiday and we have exchanged messages maybe 3 times during that 10 days, it used to be that we couldn't be away from each other, it was painful and we would be constantly messaging. I don't know anyone he speaks to the way he speaks to me. I wonder why he continues really, I have learned a lot about him and his inability to confront any situation head on that might be difficult to deal with. I am dreading seeing him today, I know my mood will take a nose dive.

I want to be the person I know I can be, the quote above about the smug facebook posts are so correct, the real me wouldn't see them that way and I would like to be her again. I didn't realise how poisonous an affair could be, I thought it would continue on as it was in the beginning, it has turned sour and I need to get through to myself about how to break free from it all. I don't like to use the term really but when I looked up the definition of narcissist, that describes my OM to a tea. I wonder if the wife has noticed that she is being treated better since he is using me to air his frustrations.

 

I have learnt a huge amount by reading through the other experiences on this forum and I am the rule unfortunately, he isn't going to all of a sudden want me like he used to, I have been hoping for too long. I should imagine we will both be happier if I just let it go.