3 years post break-up - how things are

[books2]

Hello all,

 

I've just returned from a 3 weeks vacation with my daughter yesterday, and so, I might be in a melancholy type of mood just for the experience coming to an end.

 

I guess I just wanted to share with someone on here about how things have been, over 3 years after breaking up.

 

Obviously, things have changed quite a bit since 3 years ago.

 

To make a long story very short, I'm a 35 year old dude with a 9 year old daughter. I was married to the mother of my child and separated in 2012, then divorced in 2016. The break up I am referring to is from a relationship that I've had from 2013 to 2016 (not the mother of my child). My ex was 8 years younger and things ended because of multiple issues, but I guess the biggest was that she never really accepted my child. The breakup was hard because I really believed we would be together forever and that she was the person for me.

 

I'd like to tell everyone that things do improve overtime. I still remember the lonely nights of crying and wondering why she would turn her back on us. I still feel pain over our breakup, but generally, it's mostly a feeling of nostalgia when I think of how it was when I had someone "by my side".

 

I transformed into a more independent version of myself where I am more comfortable with my loneliness and where I've been investing heavily into my relationship with my daughter and try to really offer her a nice family environment, by myself.

 

I picked up jogging a little before the breakup and now jog 6 times a week with the upmost discipline. My finances were always good, but they've been doing even better than 3 years ago as some financial investments have paid off and as I continue to work and save more money. I'm still working on trying to figure out the best way I can make an income out of a passion, but I'm getting closer to figuring it out and I have more capital to make it happen.

 

Things do get better, but you should expect to carry some extra scars on your heart. I mean, things never really return to the way they were and you never really fully recover emotionally. But at the same time, this gives you more avenues to relate to people and to be more open towards others. It helps you grow and mature as an individual. I would say the experience, all in all, was really a blessing, and it really changed me fundamentally.

 

I guess what really helped me to recover from the relationship is the fact that my EX eventually came back a little before 1 year after our break up. I couldn't resist seeing her again and we reconnected for a few months, but things just weren't the same any longer. I eventually dumped her myself (this was over 2 years ago now) and told her I could no longer be seeing her. This probably changed the dynamics between us and I think my ex views me as "the one she can't have anymore".

 

I've applied the no contact rule rigorously for the past 3 years, but my ex does have to way of "showing up" once in a while hoping to test the waters again. The last time she tried to contact me was in March of 2019, where I had absolutely no news from her for almost 1.5 years, at that point.

 

I haven't had any significant relationship with anyone since her... I was on dating apps and did get to date some girls for about 1 month each, but eventually, things always go sour. I have to admit that I haven't really tried investing into someone new yet. I did get really feed up with the dating world and haven't actually been on a date for all of 2019, so far. I guess I've just been feeling like I wasn't ready, but that feeling is changing in me and I'm feeling like I should start to spend some time pursuing someone for a more meaningful encounter. I'm thinking I will be getting back into it eventually, but will probably try to just invest time with someone I really want to instead of giving girls I'm not really interested into "a try" hoping they will surprise me.

 

When my ex last communicated with me (in March 2019), she made it clear that she was really questioning her past decisions about leaving and pursuing a relationship with someone else. It's clear that she as some regrets and isn't necessarily happier now than when she was with me. It's clear that she still thinks about me a lot, and I think about her a lot too, still. However, she also made it clear that she was just questioning everything and didn't necessarily wanted to try and to reconnect with me and give it a "real try".

 

It's sad that 3 years later, neither of us as truly moved on to something else. I mean, it's sad that we still haven't found someone else for something just as significant. I really believe that my ex and I shared something really special and rare, but I don't think I could ever open up to her the way I used to. Unfortunately, some decisions in life you just can't rewind and change, and have to live with.

 

I do miss having someone who was a best friend in my life and I do miss the daily communication and daily sharing. I definitely haven't found someone else for that. But I got used to just being alone with my mind.

 

I'm still thinking that, in time, we will both find other partners and will really move on and will no longer have regrets. I think it's just the type of thing that takes a lot of time to get ready for so you can really move on and not just distract yourself.

 

That's about it... I know it's probably not the most positive update on a situation and I know it might scare some, but you day get to accept and the twists it brings. I think the most significant trigger to being well again is just to accept that the situation as changed and will never return to what it was. Even if your ex makes all the right changes and begs you to get back, it'll never be the innocent and fun relationship it once was. Once you accepted that, you can really start to be more comfortable and can build from there.

 

Good luck to all!

[preraph]

You know, as a person who never had kids, I understand not wanting to plan your life around them, and that is sort of a necessity, so I see that being a dealbreaker, but you would think that now that she knows this about herself, she'd stay gone. I mean, it's not like you have a solution on your end. And of course, you need someone to at least get along with your kids, whether they share in the caretaking or not. They at least have to accept being around them and being interrupted by them and accept the reality that they have schedules you have to adhere to.

 

So sorry you've gone through this. At another time, before kids, she might have been the one for you. But maybe not. She might have been all about her own kids, or she might not have even wanted to go that route.

 

I know you're busy with the kids, and that's probably a good thing for the time being, but if opportunity knocks (and you are of course meeting plenty of mothers since you're caring for your kids), answer the door. I think you need to just meet a single mother and she may be the answer to your prayers -- as long as you yourself have no problem being around other people's kids. You'd be surprised how many mothers will tell you they don't like other people's kids, just their own, so you can't assume anything. Good luck.

[books2]

Thanks for the reply Preraph!

 

I can understand how it would be a dealbreaker for her as well...

 

I guess the reason why she can't totally stay gone is because she wasn't able to find another person to have a comparably deep connection with, yet.

 

Couple that with an indecisive personality and it means that she will often wonder back on if, or not, I was the right person for her.

 

It's okay that I've been through this... Sure, it's been pretty heartbreaking a few years back, but really, I always knew she was on the fence about my daughter... I'm also the one who allowed her into our life knowing that there could be some major issues down the line.

 

I'll say that if the opportunity knocks, I will definitely consider it... But currently, at not at the point where I want to go out there and find opportunities.

 

Frankly, I do enjoy my life the way it is... Having the freedom and liberty to live my life the way I intend to is great!

 

But I do miss that company as well... Say to get away to a cottage over the weekend out in nature... That kind of thing.

 

I'm definitely not closed off to single mothers... But I have to say that a lot of them just don't have their life in order... For me, that's a dealbreaker. If I was able to find one that is well grounded, has good plans for her future and is moving that way, I would definitely consider it.

 

But there is a lot of factors to consider... For example, her kid (s) needs to be around my daughter's age and not be a treat to her... Like a single mother with 2 older boys, might be a little weird for my daughter... But yeah, anyways, I am overthinking it...

 

I'll just add for anyone reading... As much as accepting that the breakup was real and happened, one of the most necessary step to healing and moving on is to really abandon all hope that your ex will come back (or whatever)...

 

I have to say that I still do struggle with that... My ex being so indecisive, it's kind of hard for me to really give up on hope... But I'm getting there...

 

I think I really need to take her last message that she wasn't 100% ready to reconnect with me and give it a "real try", after !!3 years!!, as a sign that it'll probably just never happen. Not that I had expectations, but still you would think she would just spit it out and take it off her chest, at least to say she tried... Then all the doubt and indecisiveness would be back on me. Right now, I can just say that she never really tried or wanted to, and live very well with that.