The hardest decision of my life

[soda11]

I'm really struggling and in a tough spot right now and hoping some fresh perspective can help. I've been pretty successful in my career and life in general... I sleep well at night, have a relatively simple set of circumstances and tend to have a very clear conscience. The world I'm living in right now is that opposite of that and I have some very difficult decisions to make.

 

Background:

- married 20 years

- one 15 year old daughter

- marriage has had many ups and downs... my wife struggles with anxiety/depression and that has been very hard to deal with over the years.

- she has had a tendency to be controlling/difficult and overall, I've just poured myself into my work and tried to ignore it... mostly because I didn't have the guts to file for divorce and thought of hurting her more just crushed me

- For me, this has led to a relatively hollow relationship... just kind of feel numb

 

Overall, I'd say we live in relative harmony today... really don't have big fights or arguments. It was definitely bad in the past, but has gotten better over time. From my perspective, I don't feel connected to her and still have a lot of resentment from crap I've dealt with over the years. I guess the best way to summarize is that I love my wife and hate to see her hurting, but I don't feel a true partnership or relationship at all.... it's more like I'm a caregiver than a true partner.

 

Two years ago, I met someone at work... we clicked immediately and just connected. It's the first time in our marriage that I have even THOUGHT about someone else like that. But there is absolutely a genuine connection that I've never had. It was never discussed, but I had a pretty good idea that we could both feel it. Fast forward to about three months ago and this person and I openly discussed our feelings with each other for the first time. It has now moved into being an actual affair..... it's not and never was about sex. Obviously, there is a physical attraction, but it is SO much more than that.

 

My wife could sense something was going on as I became more distant and I essentially told her that I didn't think our relationship would work. Never really took the step toward separation or divorce.... she was crushed and has done everything in her power to save the relationship, fighting her anxiety issues, etc... honestly, she has changed quite a bit over the past few months.

 

Having an affair is not me. It never has been and I feel horrible about myself and this situation right now. Getting to know the other person over the past two years, makes me relatively confident that our life together long term would be better with a closer relationship, but obviously I don't have a crystal ball. I'm just absolutely dying inside at the thought of hurting my wife and child through this process. It's really the only thing stopping me from moving forward with divorce.

 

I know that nobody can make this decision for me, but any input or experiences would be incredibly helpful right now. As far as the affair.... trust me, I hate myself more than anyone else could right now. It's a horrible feeling.

[schlumpy]

Remember that you are lapping up the relationship cream with the affair partner. It's not the same as living with someone on a daily basis. It is probably the reason that a high percentage of all affairs where the couple attempt to marry - fail. They find out they can't stand each other when in the same house for a couple of days. If you leave your marriage the odds are not good for you making a successful union with the OW. I know, you love her.

 

You said your wife is trying to address your grievances. Does she not deserve a chance? She won't get it with the OW in the picture.

 

There is no kind and gentle way out of your situation. Whatever you do, please do it with a clear mind and be kind to those who will suffer.

[BaileyB]

You said your wife is trying to address your grievances. Does she not deserve a chance? She won't get it with the OW in the picture.

 

This is because your wife can’t possibly compete with the feel good other woman, who exists only to listen to your concerns, make you feel good about yourself, and bring some excitement to your life. In the meantime, your wife is busy cooking your meals, doing your laundry, paying your bills, caring for your children, cleaning your house... Of course, she can’t compete. Life’s not as much fun as an affair. And, a long term relationship is not the same as the excitement you feel in the beginning of a new relationship.

 

Either your marriage is worth saving, or it’s not. But, you can not assess the merits of a marriage accurately when you have another person standing by your side, turning your head in another direction...

[soda11]

This is because your wife can’t possibly compete with the feel good other woman, who exists only to listen to your concerns, make you feel good about yourself, and bring some excitement to your life. In the meantime, your wife is busy cooking your meals, doing your laundry, paying your bills, caring for your children, cleaning your house... Of course, she can’t compete. Life’s not as much fun as an affair.

 

Thanks for the quick response... I guess one thing to clarify. There is NOTHING fun about being involved in an affair. I've worked hard to be an honest person with a moral compass my whole life, and this is the opposite of that. I'm sneaking around and hate the situation and myself for it.

 

Bottom line - I know that for ME and possibly even our daughter, long term I will be happier with a true partner in life and not a "patient" who I am caring for. I guess the real thing I'm grappling with here is how to make the decision to move forward and how to message it knowing that it will crush her.

[Blind-Sided]

Honestly... you've already made the choice. You have cheated on your wife. Because of that, your mind is already focused on someone else, and in turn your lack of caring for your wife is gone. Sorry I couldn't sugar coat that... but just file, and tell her you have found someone else... or else, everyone will suffer longer.

[soda11]

You're probably right... and I have thought about the fact that the second I crossed that bridge to even an emotional affair, it was over.

 

We've come close to divorce a few times over the years and she would always make immediate changes, start treating me better, etc..... through that time, I really just wished she would walk away, so I didn't have to be the one to make the decision. Sounds cowardly, but it is what it is.

 

It's easy to hate on me for the affair, but I can tell you the roots that led me to this point started LONG before I met and connected with someone else. And she has worked hard and improved over the years, but 20 years of "stuff" has left me pretty jaded.

 

To be very clear, I'm faced with two options right now:

 

1. Refocus and repair a relationship that will probably never yield a true partnership.... but be "comfortable" not disrupting life and just live relatively numb.... going through the motions. IF this is even possible after an affair.

 

2. Make the hard decision and take a bet on something that my gut says would be great. Knowing full well that it may not be what I think it is.

 

The thought of hurting my wife destroys me. I've cared for her for 20 years. The thought of losing her in my life on a daily basis does not hurt and never has... I really think that says everything.

[BaileyB]

I guess one thing to clarify. There is NOTHING fun about being involved in an affair.

 

You are not having any fun with your affair partner... I find that hard to believe, or you wouldn’t be developing a relationship with her.

 

I do understand why you are trying to say.

 

Bottom line - I know that for ME and possibly even our daughter, long term I will be happier with a true partner in life and not a "patient" who I am caring for.

 

I don’t disagree. If your wife is not well and your marriage I say not good, I have no doubt that you will be happier with a true partner in life. I am that “true partner,” my boyfriends ex-wife has significant mental health issues. I hear what you are saying...

 

In a perfect world, the decision to end your marriage wouldn’t be made with the influence of an affair. Your marriage should continue, or end, on it’s own merit. Too late for that now, let’s hope that you are making the right decision when you end your marriage. Let’s hope you’ve done your due diligence in choosing your next relationship partner...

[BaileyB]

Make the hard decision and take a bet on something that my gut says would be great. Knowing full well that it may not be what I think it is.

 

Just a thought - what about having a little “cooling off period” for the affair. You can take the time that you need to make the decision/end your marriage. You can move into your own place, help your daughter to get settled into a new normal. And then, when the time is right... You can date this woman. Build a relationship the old fashioned way... The two of you can build a relationship that has an opportunity to develop as a normal relationship would - without expectations. Without pressure.

 

Besides, if your marriage is really that bad it shouldn’t really matter if the affair pans out for you... Would you not be happier single than married to your wife? If not this woman, then you would still have the opportunity to find another partner and build a very happy life.

 

You seem to have one foot in and one foot out right now... Not usually the best way to live your life...

Edited August 19, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

The thought of hurting my wife destroys me.

 

You can say this all you want, as you have several times in this thread, but it's a little hard to take you seriously when you're doing the very thing guaranteed to cause her the most pain. All of us want to be happy, but we have to ask ourselves at what price - and paid by whom?

 

You've made a series of informed choices about what you want from life and how you'll get there. If you care about your wife as you say you do, allow her to do the same.

 

Is your AP married?

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Who is this AP? Who is she in reality?

 

Is she genuine relationship type material or are you letting the great sex and the relief from your wife cloud your judgement?

She is, after all a woman who is happy to sleep with a man behind his wife's back, happy to sneak around and lie.

Happy to break up a marriage.

Could you ever really trust her?

Is she a great role model for your daughter?

[spiritedaway2003]

My heart breaks for you, because you remind me of my xMM. I'll give you my perspective as the OW. You won't get a lot of sympathies here, but that's not what you're looking for anyway. You will get good advice and some tough love. People do have a tendency to paint the MM or OW into a corner; we're not all as heartless as some people would like to believe. I got where you're coming from; the conflicts are real. I don't care for taking sides. At the end of the day, these things have consequences and you have to be able to live with your own decision. Take my advice for what they're worth:

 

Come clean: Right now, your wife has zero chance. She can't win when she has no idea what she's up against. By coming clean, the times might be tough (it will). I imagine that you take your marriage vows seriously. If you love your wife as you says you do, how can you work on improving your marriage if you don't give both of you that chance? I tend to agree that you don't just give up on a marriage without trying.

 

Don't be conflict avoidant Don't prolong the affair. It's a horrible place to be. Make a decision either way. The longer the A, the more hurt and damage you'll cause. You're already in a hole. Right now, you're hurting two people you both supposedly cared about.

 

Be prepared: You're only dealing with some of it now: guilt, shame, your moral compass. Be prepared for more unpleasant ones. Loss (either your wife or the OW) and doubts and regrets.

 

No one has the crystal ball on the future. I think most MM do end up staying because there is a lot at stake. Whether it's the right decision or not, I don't know. I'm sure the results run the gamut. We know some marriages can survive an affair; others don't.

 

Some good questions to ask yourself:

- How seriously do you take your marriage vows? How committed are you to repairing the marriage?

- Are you leaving the marriage for yourself or the affair partner? (In my view, the latter is the fastest way to doom the relationship).

[Jowo]

My heart breaks for you, because you remind me of my xMM. I'll give you my perspective as the OW. You won't get a lot of sympathies here, but that's not what you're looking for anyway. You will get good advice and some tough love. People do have a tendency to paint the MM or OW into a corner; we're not all as heartless as some people would like to believe. I got where you're coming from; the conflicts are real. I don't care for taking sides. At the end of the day, these things have consequences and you have to be able to live with your own decision. Take my advice for what they're worth:

 

Come clean: Right now, your wife has zero chance. She can't win when she has no idea what she's up against. By coming clean, the times might be tough (it will). I imagine that you take your marriage vows seriously. If you love your wife as you says you do, how can you work on improving your marriage if you don't give both of you that chance? I tend to agree that you don't just give up on a marriage without trying.

 

Don't be conflict avoidant Don't prolong the affair. It's a horrible place to be. Make a decision either way. The longer the A, the more hurt and damage you'll cause. You're already in a hole. Right now, you're hurting two people you both supposedly cared about.

 

Be prepared: You're only dealing with some of it now: guilt, shame, your moral compass. Be prepared for more unpleasant ones. Loss (either your wife or the OW) and doubts and regrets.

 

No one has the crystal ball on the future. I think most MM do end up staying because there is a lot at stake. Whether it's the right decision or not, I don't know. I'm sure the results run the gamut. We know some marriages can survive an affair; others don't.

 

Some good questions to ask yourself:

- How seriously do you take your marriage vows? How committed are you to repairing the marriage?

- Are you leaving the marriage for yourself or the affair partner? (In my view, the latter is the fastest way to doom the relationship).

 

Very good post.

 

It illustrates two fundamental things :

 

1 - "You are only dealing with some of it now" : Your feelings will inivetably evolve over time in one way or another, what you think you know and feel today will be differant in a week, in a month and in a year depending on the outcome. What will you be thinking in a month of two ? No one can tell not even yourself, because these are situations lead by emotions, not rationally.

 

I also want to add that you may feel that emotions for your wife and the OW are connected : The more I love one, the less I love the other.

With time things get blurry and you might get in a situation where you feel love for both but in differant states (one more mature and comfortable, the other one more exciting)

 

2 - You may now be stuck in a downwards "attraction" spiral :

 

Since you desire someone else, you may be pushing your wife away subconcisously : The love for your wife is decreasing accordingly and deep down inside you want more and more something new and exciting (You have that feeling that you can't control)

 

Your wife feels the distance in some way so she desires you more. She starts pulling, which could push you away furthur and comfort you in your choice of leaving.

 

At the moment you have full control on the situation, even more since she doesn't know anything : The only way to restore the balance would be for your wife to push away equally, which would then allow you to realize if you would really miss her or not.

 

The difficult part is it's almost impossible from her end because it's an unnatural behaviour to pull away when the other person is creating distance.

 

 

....So maybe take some time to reflect on how you would feel about this scenario :

 

She finds out about your feelings and after the storm she is not devestated anymore : She accepts it as fate and decides to leave you because she wants you to be happy.

She files for divorce, limits contact, leaves home with her items and on the long run finds someone else she is happy with.

During that time you have to deal with shared custody for your daughter and also sort the financial impact while learning to know a new person in your life.

Also keep in mind that the OW will have to accept the intensity of what you will be going through and it will be challanging (mostly the contact with your wife due to your daughter)

 

If you decide to move forward with a new person, be prepared and commit 200% to this decision. The begining is exciting and will be a big relief. The sex will be great, new exciting projects, things you have never done or said, but with time, reality kicks in and things get harder to appreciate.

 

Don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to influence you in one way or another. The choice remains in your hands only but given it's the "hardest decision in your life" you've got time to make that decision and explore all the impacts of this choice.

 

Hope this helps.

[Onwards13]

Leave- your wife deserves better than you. Let’s be frank here - I’m sure being married to you hasn’t been a walk in the park for her either- yet she’s not ****ing some other dude behind your back. She deserves someone equally loyal. So you- leave her - your not good enough for her.

 

Perhaps the true test here is if you find out your wife has a ‘true partnership’ (ps this term makes me gag as used by you) with someone else? What would you do ? Would you fight for her? Or would you walk away?

 

No excuse for cheating. You are in the wrong. If you want to make a true decision/ cut off the other woman for 1 year - fess up to your wife - work like crazy to save your marriage - and if after one year nothing has changed for you - move on.

 

I can tell you from my own experience that working on a marriage is a lot easier than going through a divorce.

[mark clemson]

One thing to check on if you decide to reveal the affair to your wife is to ask a lawyer about the laws in your state. The reason to do this is that, in a small number of states, there are laws that might significantly impact the divorce settlement in your wife's favor due to the affair. My understanding is that in an even smaller number she may be able to actually sue your affair partner.

 

So, if you happen to live in one of these states, this might be a factor in your decision whether to disclose the affair. There are many good reasons to disclose, even more than have been mentioned so far in your thread. However, disclosing also comes with significant risks. IMO, you want to be aware of all the relevant risks for your situation before making this decision.

 

Many family attorneys will do free 1/2 hour consultations, so suggest you take advantage of that to get that question (and any others you might have) answered. I don't know your wife, of course, but I'd guess it's at least possible that after you disclose your wife will want a divorce - period, end of story. So, suggest you be fully prepared for that possible outcome (out of many possible ones).

[soda11]

Thank you all for the great feedback. A couple of things are becoming clear:

 

1. I cannot live in between for much longer, and need to own up to the situation.

 

2. Regardless of whether the marriage can be salvaged, I almost feel like it's right to end it just because my wife DOES deserve better and not sure I can stay in this marriage with the dark cloud of this hanging over my head forever. Even after coming clean.

 

3. The "A" is not fun or exciting for me. I hate being sneaky and lying. I hate it. I've never done this before and will never again... I'm also smart enough to know that the newness of any relationship will wear off and they require hard work over the long haul. I just want to be in a fruitful relationship that is good and I WANT to fight and work hard for. Over 20 years, I've been relatively numb in the current one and I can't say that I wanted to proactively fight for it.

 

To stand up for myself a bit (even though that's pretty hard right now) I can tell you that living under the thumb of someone with depression and anxiety for twenty years is no walk in the park.

 

Thank you again for the thoughtful and helpful responses.

[Mr. Lucky]

To stand up for myself a bit (even though that's pretty hard right now) I can tell you that living under the thumb of someone with depression and anxiety for twenty years is no walk in the park.

 

Having experienced the same combo in a family member, agree 100%.

 

But neither is it an excuse for dishonest, immoral or unethical behavior. There are a number of sustainable solutions for a dysfunctional marriage. An affair with the resulting drama and angst isn't one of them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, 99 percent of your writing goes towards: Love the new woman.

 

Then you keep repeating .... "I hate the affair." Um ... look, whatever you do, own your actions. There's nothing honorable about having an affair and saying you hate it. That's NOT any morally better than someone who says, "I had to have the affair. My marriage was terrible."

 

Sounds like you were faking it in your marriage for quite a long time. Sounds like the marriage died years and years ago ... you just didn't have a funeral.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Soda11,

 

Your situation reminds me so much of my exMM. He had the same struggles as you are having. Our A also started the same way yours did. He had a hard time making a decision due to the fear of hurting his wife (who also has anxiety problems). He stated many times that having an A wasn't who he was and he needed to figure things out.

 

Ours went on for almost a year. He was still having trouble finding the clarity he needed and it hurt too much for me continuing on as the OW. A month ago, I stepped aside so he could focus on his family without my interference. It's been really difficult and I miss him more than he will ever know.

 

I wish I had an answer for you, but as you know all too well, it is a difficult situation to navigate. I hope you find the peace and clarity you need to get through this. I just wanted you to know that there are people that can relate to your situation and are here for you.

[Marc878]

Words don't mean much. Your actions say more.

 

As for your current wife. Doubtful she'll change permanently. The actions you've taken (not the affair) should have been applied early on but you chose to accept it. Hence, she assumed you are good with her. You taught her. This is all on you.

[Marc878]

You didn't answer if your OW was married so I assume she is.

 

This will be the wildcard. Will she D for you? Maybe maybe not.

 

When fantasy meets reality it's a wild card. You don't know what she'll do for sure.

 

You could be a fling and when it comes down to devision time may find yourself alone.

 

This happens all the time. One makes the break then the other waffles.

[Marc878]

Hi Soda11,

 

Your situation reminds me so much of my exMM. He had the same struggles as you are having. Our A also started the same way yours did. He had a hard time making a decision due to the fear of hurting his wife (who also has anxiety problems). He stated many times that having an A wasn't who he was and he needed to figure things out.

 

Just words. His actions defined who he is. Your typical cake eater.

[Maddie82]

I can tell you that living under the thumb of someone with depression and anxiety for twenty years is no walk in the park.

 

Suffering with it is even worse. Did you ever consider how that suffering felt for her? I'm guessing not. You say you don't want to hurt her, but you have done the most hurtful thing a husband can do. It would've been less hurtful for her if you just said how you feel about your failing marriage, without throwing another woman in the mix. Whatever you do, someone is going to get hurt and the longer you leave it the worse it's going to be for everyone involved.

[vla1120]

I've seen many threads of this type, lately. "My marriage is horrible, failing, my spouse makes it difficult, I don't know how to proceed, I need advice - oh, and I met someone at work who makes me feel brand new...."

 

That's very convenient and it makes me wonder....is the marriage suddenly insufferable because of the new love interest? When you were suffering through your marriage with your depressed, anxious wife, did you come out here looking for advice? If not, why? Didn't your marriage deserve the attention and concern (via marriage counseling, perhaps) that you are now giving to your predicament with your OW?

 

Unfortunately, you've already crossed the line and betrayed your wife and daughter. It doesn't really sound like you want to work on the marriage. Rip off the bandage and let your wife know so that she has a chance to go find happiness (like you apparently have.) Just be prepared for your OW to suddenly lose interest in you. It's all fun and games when your co-cheater is unavailable, as well. Many OW and OM suddenly get cold feet when faced with the reality of their love interest becoming available (and possibly jeopardizing their own home life/marriage.)

[6dGayleMaree]

In my experience you should always move towards something and not away from it.

 

1. We don't choose who we fall in love with. Like you said, your role at the moment is of caregiver. You don't need to be there to do that. In fact, it might be good for your wife, you will be releasing her from a loveless marriage.

 

2. We teach by our example. So have a look at what you're actually teaching your 15 year old. That you should stay in a loveless marriage, or that you should go with your heart? You decide. But whatever you do choose, know that you will need to stand in that space fully.

 

Whatever decision you make, look forward and not backward. How will you feel in 5 years if you make this decision? How will you feel if you don't?

 

It's not for anyone else to make a judgement on what you should or shouldn't do. They're not in your shoes. Nor do they want to be responsible for the consequences.

 

However, stand in your space. When you choose to feel guilty, guilt will find you from all corners of the globe. You can tell that by some of the answers here. That's Law of Attraction in action.

 

Your question to yourself is: "What would make my heart sing?" If you make a decision to leave, take your daughter aside and talk to her. That's for another story.

 

All the best.

Gayle

[Mr. Lucky]

Over 20 years, I've been relatively numb in the current one and I can't say that I wanted to proactively fight for it.

 

Have you thought about the fact that much of this could be due to you, and the same approach might equally affect this new relationship?

 

You'd be better off putting energy into working on yourself than chasing anything new. Wherever you go, you'll still be there...

 

Mr. Lucky