Is she in an Abusive Relationship

[Big Aus]

I am no relationship expert.

 

Like a lot of men, I struggle to truly comprehend why a woman stays in an abusive relationship.

It's not that I am unsympathetic to those that do, more the opposite. I know the issues are extremely complex, the emotions intense, and that the thought process can involve many different factors.

What I acknowledge is that's its a very difficult decision, and hard for me to put myself in their shoes.

 

Though that said, I myself stayed in an abusive marriage, with a narcissistic psychopath, because of my kids, and yes Because I'd actually started to believe the abuse. But thats enough about me.

 

I have asked about this relationship in another thread, but further consideration has me looking at it differently.

 

I have been chatting to this damn gorgeous woman.

Her online profile did not have a photo, so I was attracted only to the words. After many messages through POF, she have me her messenger ID and that was the first time I clapped eyes on her.

She often puts herself down. Saying things like facebook makes her look better, and even though she is extremely active (swims, surfs, rides a bike to work) says she is unfit.

Honestly when I finally saw her, I assumed she had not posted a photo to avoid being hassled by creeps.

Now of the face of it, ok she just lacks a little confidence??

 

She is stuck in a bizarre relationship.

He is older and had kids from a previous relationship. They have kids together.

It seems that once their kids were born, he stopped being affectionate, and eventually told her that he nolonger found her desirable and would nolonger be intimate with her. I can only imagine the effect this would have.

Most women have to deal with husbands who nomatter what will screw at the drop of a hat, so I would imagine it would be devastating being told you don't even meet that standard.

 

They continue to live in the same house, and they split parenting of their kids 50/50.

She is convinced that if she leaves she will lose the kids, and would get nothing. This is completely at odds with what normally happens in Aus.

 

What occurs to me, is that she may in fact be the victim of psychological abuse.

[pepperbird]

I say this as someone who has spent many years working with abused women and men.

 

She must have seen you coming a mile away. She's cheating on her husband. Stop trying to make excuses for her behavior. In spite of the common view, there are lots of women out there who can dish it out just as surely as they take it, and a few really sorry ladies who call "abuse" to wiggle out of a problem.

 

If you are really concerned about her physical well being, call the police. If it's more emotional and you truly see her as a victim of abuse, get her in touch with a group that supports abused women and then get the frig out of dodge. Give her the space and time to heal, as otherwise, you're either taking advantage of a women who is in crisis or acting as the patsy in her game.

(btw...many women don't use a photo in online dating ads. It's got nothing to do with self esteem. The abused women I know aren't making profiles on online dating sites. That would be the last thing on their mind. The married men I know who made online dating profiles leave their photo out because they don't want to be caught.

[Rayce]

https://youtu.be/RTiTQ5Q6ryM

[major_merrick]

Be suspicious and don't be the White Knight.

[Libby1]

What occurs to me, is that she may in fact be the victim of psychological abuse.

 

She might be. Abuse tends to occur as a result of serious power imbalances. But no longer finding a partner attractive is not in itself abusive. Sometimes it's just a harsh reality of life. If that that loss of attraction is conveyed to the other partner in an unnecessarily blunt and unkind way (or through cheating with a third party) that might be abusive.

 

My guess is that this woman sees her sexuality as being the primary source of personal empowerment. That isn't surprising, since women have long been encouraged to make that connection. Perhaps she perceives getting online attention from other men as a way of empowering herself within her current relationship.

 

It's notable that the emphasis in your post is on her sexual attractiveness, desirability and overall appearance. This communication between the two of you is almost going to fuel her belief that she is only as strong/powerful as she is sexually attractive. From your perspective, the likelihood is that you will be little more than a pawn in an ongoing power struggle she has with her current partner.

 

I myself stayed in an abusive marriage, with a narcissistic psychopath, because of my kids, and yes Because I'd actually started to believe the abuse. But thats enough about me.

 

Is that really enough about you, though? One thing about bad relationships is that they contain important lessons, if we're open to learning. Sometimes those lessons aren't so much about other people as about themselves.

 

People often claim that they were fooled into starting an ultimately unhealthy relationship with a narcissist, but I would suggest that narcissists and drama addicts aren't difficult to recognise. People tend to get into relationships with them because they're charmed, seduced or impressed by the particular ways in which that narcissism manifests itself.

 

That's probably happened to many of us. Getting burned at some point by a person who has strongly narcissistic traits. Particularly if we ourselves tend towards "rescuing". While the desire to rescue is a positive thing in an emergency situation, in everyday life it can result in us sending out signals to all sorts of conmen (or conwomen) and undesirables.

 

I think, with this communication you've having with the POF woman, you have an important opportunity to learn something about yourself. Saying "enough about me, back to this woman" is a really telling comment, in my view. How much analysis of yourself, in the context of your former bad marriage, have you really undertaken?

 

One of the few saving graces about bad relationships is that they can teach us important lessons about ourselves. To figure out what it was about our belief system, our needs and how we try to get those needs met that led us into the bad relationship in the first place. Then to figure out how we can refine and improve our belief system (and our methods of getting our needs met) to reduce the possibility of getting into another bad relationship.

 

When people dismiss an entire relationship as being bad because they were involved with a narcissist, that tends to suggest they haven't learned anything about themselves and their own potential to develop into a stronger, better person. This woman may well be in an abusive relationship. If seeking out reassurance about her sexual desirability from men online is her way of trying to empower herself, the chances are that she will always have unhealthy, dysfunctional or even abusive relationships with men.

 

What if you were to successfully rescue this woman, get into a relationship with her and then subsequently discover that every time you were too tired for sex or just not in the mood, she was complaining to other men (via a profile on POF) that you didn't find her desirable...and that they were reacting along the lines of "he's psychologically abusive to you"?

 

There's another massive red flag here. You've said it yourself.

 

They continue to live in the same house, and they split parenting of their kids 50/50.

 

She is convinced that if she leaves she will lose the kids, and would get nothing. This is completely at odds with what normally happens in Aus.

 

She's describing a situation in which she and her former partner are separated but continuing to live under the same roof - partly for the kids, but also for financial reasons. A person in that situation should be seeking advice from a lawyer like a grown up would. Not complaining about it to guys they're flirting with on Plenty of Fish.

 

Just how much of this woman's immature behaviour are you prepared to attribute to her being in a relationship that you have assessed as being abusive?

Edited August 24, 2019 by Libby1

[Beendaredonedat]

What occurs to me, is that she may in fact be the victim of psychological abuse.

I don't mean this to be insulting but I don't think that SHE is a victim of anything but I do think that you are a victim of codependency issues and a lack of self worth if you would, after already being in a dysfunctional relationship, set your sights on a woman that is, from where I sit, hood winking you into her spider web.

 

Most men who were confident and or at least looking to one-and-done her, would run far and fast from her and her life dynamic.

 

You seem to be bent on getting some validation as to why you should continue to interact with the likes of her.

 

My friend, she is bad news who is spinning a tale as old as time and you are falling for it hook, line and sinker... which goes well with the Plentyoffish site you found her on.

 

Have you ever had therapy to help you with the abuse you suffered at the hands of your "narcissist" that you stayed with in codependency?

 

You have started a few threads about her now which is a story you are telling us that your spidey sense is on high alert with her but you ignore it in hopes that we will give you a reason to continue on with her.

 

Listen to your gut. She may be "hot" but she's also a mess.