Husband Wants An Expensive Gift? How do I handle this?

[AMarriedMan]

When I was 25 I bought my fashion-obsessed sister a Balenciaga wallet for around $600. I didn't get it at all but it was a huge, huge deal to her, and almost eight years later she still uses it and shows it off to everyone. It's a very big deal to her because she says it makes her feel classy and confident no matter where she is. In retrospect it was well worth it.

 

Talk about external locus of control. You could be talking about a drug instead. In fact, serotonin re-uptake inhibitors do just that: make people feel more dominant in social interactions.

 

Humans have dominance hierarchies like any animals and I guess it will be impossible let alone undesirable to stamp them out completely. But I honestly think it would do us a lot of good to relax a little bit, and learn to become less conscious of these hierarchies and thus reinforce them less. Classy and confident is what people high up in a dominance hierarchy feel. A system where paying a third party $600 for an object the possession of which confers those feelings seems ... suspicious. It's easy to get hooked on such feelings and bring financial ruin upon oneself in pursuit of them.

[heartwhole2]

Talk about external locus of control. You could be talking about a drug instead. In fact, serotonin re-uptake inhibitors do just that: make people feel more dominant in social interactions.

 

Humans have dominance hierarchies like any animals and I guess it will be impossible let alone undesirable to stamp them out completely. But I honestly think it would do us a lot of good to relax a little bit, and learn to become less conscious of these hierarchies and thus reinforce them less. Classy and confident is what people high up in a dominance hierarchy feel. A system where paying a third party $600 for an object the possession of which confers those feelings seems ... suspicious. It's easy to get hooked on such feelings and bring financial ruin upon oneself in pursuit of them.

 

I'm not advocating anyone getting hooked in some endless consumer one-up-manship. In this case neither OP's husband nor lana-banana's sister ran out and bought themselves fancy wallets they couldn't afford, so this seems to be tangential at best. They're both healthy examples of people who plan to use the item for a long, long time rather than acquiring as many of them as possible, and who can tolerate delayed gratification.

[preraph]

I agree with this. Only a moron would want a Gucci wallet or Gucci anything. Consumerism of such proportions is a disease.

 

Unless you are a rich person for whom money is no object nor import, then insisting on designer goods is truly a sign of a shaky self-esteem. You feel you need that name to identify yourself and prop yourself up. That isn't healthy. I know some people feel they need to look the part for their jobs, but truly, if a job isn't paying you enough to easily buy these luxury items, but they're all indulging in trying to look high market, that's probably not the best company or the best job.

 

I remember having a low-paid assistant. He wouldn't wear anything that didn't have a logo on it. He had all kinds of personal problems. He said he was gay, but when he got f'd up, which was often, he hit on a girl in the office. He looked like Baby Huey and of course that alone was a problem considering how ambitious he was trying to be sexually social. He ended up hiring male escorts. I know he couldn't do all that on what we were paying him, so no telling what he was up to. He cried easily and was unhappy. His designer labels made him feel important and smug. That's not healthy. It has to come from within.

 

Again, it's one thing if you just have money to burn. While everyone is entitled to a little something to pamper themselves, I do think it gives people a negative opinion of you when you spend money you don't have on luxury goods. Even when you have a lot of money, if you spend it all on luxury goods and don't do anything for those less fortunate, I think it gives people a bad impression. Although in this instance, unless he goes around whipping out his wallet and telling people it's designer, no one will ever even notice. No one is watching your wallet.

[NuevoYorko]

Even though I don't relate to your husband's attachment to his Gucci belt and wallet, I disagree with everyone who is saying that this shows he has a weak need for external validation or whatever.

 

I'd go along with that if he were collecting designer items but evidently, he's had this one wallet and his beloved belt for TEN YEARS and now he wants to replace those specific things.

 

Also the doll thing trips me up a bit. Your family culture includes frivolous spending. The dolls you buy may not be $500 (I just looked, having never heard of them before, and saw plenty of them that are more) but they are expensive for dolls that are basically useless. A wallet and / or belt that a person will use every day for a decade are in a different category than dolls.

[anika99]

The husband is not some out of control insecure crazy spending ego driven consumer. If that were the case he would have already bought himself the wallet a long time ago. If his self worth depended on the wallet he would have already bought. That's not what's happening here. He walking around with a wallet that's 10yrs old and falling apart and he's been asking his wife for years for another, while his wife refuses him and buys herself dolls.

 

I'm a frugal person with simple tastes. I'm perfectly fine with having inexpensive things. I don't relate to people who want only the finest and most expensive items but I don't judge them either. I don't get to decide what other people should want or what their taste should be. If the husband in this story had ignored his responsibilities and bought himself the wallet at the expense of paying bills or taking care of his family then that would be different.

[heartwhole2]

I agree with the last couple of posters.

 

It takes five positive interactions for every negative interaction to keep a relationship on the happy side of the equation. If you are trying to convince your partner not to like what they like or do what they do, you are exerting a lot of energy trying to change the person you already promised to take as they are. Save your executive veto for the stuff that really matters. Don't sweat the small stuff; that says more about you than it does about the person with their unique habits and tastes.

[RecentChange]

Oh the irony of wanting an expensive wallet - and yet not being able to afford to actually put cash in the wallet.

 

Kinda like putting cheap wine in a fancy bottle.

 

I admit, I don't get it. My husband and I share a bank account, so "we" would be paying for any expensive gifts. One is never expected to suffer so the other can be gifted some material thing. "We" can afford to spend the money, or we can't.

 

I also do not understand the focus on designer brands when they are beyond your means.... Does he think people will be impressed and think he is rich when he pulls out a wallet is wife had to save for months in order to buy for him?

 

You could literally have a wallet hand made by a Craftsmen that would actually last for much less than a mass produced Gucci wallet..... Which if you read up on the brand, much of their wallets etc are made by illegal, poorly paid Chinese labor in factories located in Europe but owned by the Chinese.

 

I can't imagine scrimping and saving to hand my money over to a company like that.

[lana-banana]

Yeesh. The stuff about how men shouldn't like fashion (?) and how wanting luxury items is "mindless consumer whoredom" (???) is out of control. One wonders how this thread would read if he wanted, say, a $500 phone vs a wallet.

 

At no point did OP indicate that her husband was spending irresponsibly, or that he's a horrible materialistic monster. There just so happens to be this one particular wallet he really wants. If it's out of their price range, it's out of their price range, but it doesn't sound that unreasonable---especially when OP admits that their family has a tradition of lavish gift-giving. If he was bullying her and telling her that she HAD to spend her hard-earned money on it no matter what, then that would be one thing. Instead he's saying that this is the only thing he really wants and it would be a big deal to him. I have a feeling that if she really couldn't swing Christmas and instead had to wait until Valentine's Day he wouldn't be disappointed at all.

 

It is okay to spend a lot of money on something if you can afford it. It is okay to splurge on your partner if it makes them (and you!) happy. There is nothing wrong with desiring an expensive thing, so long as it's the form and function of the item you desire rather than some abstract expression of wealth and worth. What matters is communicating about it honestly and having realistic expectations. If you're not making bank, it's not reasonable to expect caviar with every meal, and an obsession with something well out of your price range can be unhealthy. But if you're doing well for yourselves and you have the money to spend, there's nothing wrong with the occasional splurge.

[S2B]

 

Unless you are a rich person for whom money is no object nor import, then insisting on designer goods is truly a sign of a shaky self-esteem

 

This is so unfair. Many designer goods are top quality and last a lifetime. There’s nothing wrong with wanting top quality.

 

I got a gift in 1988 - a Louis Vuitton bag (never heard of it then) and it still looks new today.

 

There’s many reasons to buy designer - if he’s told you that’s what he wants then get him that. If you don’t have the money save all year until next year and buy him one for next Christmas. Certainly you can save $35.00 a month, yes?

[Ruby Slippers]

If you have zero debt, ample emergency savings, and are solidly on track for a comfortable retirement, fine. Otherwise, it's 100% stupid for either of you to spend $500 on something you could get for $20.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If he is a good man who is loving and kind, I would get him the wallet to show him how loved and appreciated he is. I'm a bit biased though because I love giving gifts, so it would mean just as much to me seeing the surprise on his face.

 

It is expensive, but his last is ten years old! Would I get a second job to pay for it? No.. but I would figure out some way of getting the money together. I don't know your situation, but if you could put a little bit of money aside each for the next few months, call in some favors, or make small payments through a loan, it is worth considering.

 

If he is an ungrateful/selfish type of guy in general though, just give him socks.

[georgia girl]

OP,

 

I think both you and your husband have expensive tastes. You are buying dolls - which have little useful value - at up to $200 apiece and he wants a $500 wallet. The fact is, if that wallet lasted more than three years and you bought a doll once a year, you would have more invested into those dolls than he does into a wallet after three years. Now, I have no problem with people having things they admire or like to collect, but if a $500 wallet is too much money to spend on something that will last several years, than $200 on a doll (or $100 for that matter) and purchasing several of them is just - if not more - frivolous.

 

If I had spent the kind of money it seems you have spent on yourself for these dolls, I would be equally as generous with my spouse. However, if this is causing you guys financial hardship, i’d rethink both items. They’re just not worth it.

 

Maybe it’s just me, but I would always spend more on my spouse than I do on myself. Am I just odd?

[Ruby Slippers]

frivolous

Yes. Don't make your life unnecessarily hard in older age because of some meaningless trinkets offering short-term pleasure that you can't afford. You wouldn't want to be a burden on your children or rely on the government to take care of you, would you? If you can't afford it, you haven't earned it yet.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I vote if he's a good husband, get him the wallet. It is an investment in your marriage and you shouldn't have to buy another for many years. It will pay you dividends in goodwill, and it will show your appreciation, love, and commitment for him and his happiness. That is worth more than money.

 

Edited to add: would you consider selling a couple of your dolls to purchase the wallet? If so, make sure he knows your sacrifice. That should make it even more meaningful to him, a sweet surprise and testament of what he means to you.

Edited August 25, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[LivingWaterPlease]

It seems to me if you can afford to buy multiple $200 dolls for yourself you can afford a $500 wallet for your husband.

 

To me, a $500 wallet makes more sense than one $200 doll. A wallet is useful. And this one will probably last a long time while looking great at the same time!

 

Spending extravagantly on one's spouse seems to me to be preferable to spending extravagantly on oneself.

 

And also don't be concerned that others will get lesser gifts. A spouse deserves a much nicer gift than anyone else on your list because it's the most important, most intimate relationship in one's life!

 

Definitely get him the wallet.

[OldRover]

DragonzRoost,

 

 

Sure, it's probably not worth $500 and many toys are not worth their price.... designer whatever.....

 

 

BUT, for $500? You've got to be kidding. If that's what he wants, get it. The memory will last forever, and you'll forget about the price shortly.

 

 

Just wait til he wants that Viking or Fleming boat.

[Els]

He follows up with "I don't think you will get me a Gucci wallet and I don't expect you to, because you always change your mind when you do have the money." (Yeah no ****)

 

 

He also wants to pick out the wallet he wants and there is one for $400, but the one he wants is $500!!

 

 

I can't understand why anyone is defending this guy. A woman who DEMANDED a $500 purse instead of a $100 one as a gift, and who used guilt to manipulate her partner into it, would be absolutely roasted by the posters here, and for good reason too IMO. I think the way your husband is behaving is pretty darn atrocious.

 

 

 

What would you do if your significant other asked you for a $500 gift?

I would seriously reconsider giving them a gift at all - what a travesty gifting has become. Gifts are supposed to be given from the heart, with the monetary price being the choice of the giver - it should never be demanded or laced with guilt.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I can't understand why anyone is defending this guy. A woman who DEMANDED a $500 purse instead of a $100 one as a gift, and who used guilt to manipulate her partner into it, would be absolutely roasted by the posters here, and for good reason too IMO. I think the way your husband is behaving is pretty darn atrocious.

 

 

I would seriously reconsider giving them a gift at all - what a travesty gifting has become. Gifts are supposed to be given from the heart, with the monetary price being the choice of the giver - it should never be demanded or laced with guilt.

 

I didn't realize he DEMANDED the gift. Where did she write that? I must have missed it. It seemed to me as I read the OP that he's expressed a desire for it. IMO asking for something isn't the same thing as manipulating for it.

 

IMO, giving him the wallet he wants so much is giving from the heart. Despite the fact that she sees things differently, because of her love for him, she would give him the wallet.

 

I also don't see how advising the woman to give her husband a gift he'll enjoy is defending this guy? To me, it's merely expressing an opinion that their relationship will be sweetened by giving him something he desires and enjoying him using it over the next years.

 

I would give it happily and anticipate watching his delight as he opened it!

Edited August 26, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[Els]

I didn't realize he DEMANDED the gift. Where did she write that? I must have missed it. It seemed to me as I read the OP that he's expressed a desire for it. IMO asking for something isn't the same things as manipulating for it.

 

 

How is this not manipulative or demanding?

 

 

 

Hell I could get him a Coach wallet for half that, but he insists that Coach is cheap (Which I don't feel that way) and that Gucci is a very good brand and continues to mention how his wallet held up for over 10 years. (Yup I get it, its still falling apart...so no...it hasn't held up.)

 

He follows up with "I don't think you will get me a Gucci wallet and I don't expect you to, because you always change your mind when you do have the money." (Yeah no ****) "You also would just get Pullip dolls or other stuff." Mind you Pullip dolls at most are under $200, generally $160.

[S2B]

I don’t see it as him “demanding it” - more that he doesn’t have faith in his wife to get him a nice gift even when she does have the money.

 

 

More like - she doesn’t value him.

[Els]

I don’t see it as him “demanding it” - more that he doesn’t have faith in his wife to get him a nice gift even when she does have the money.

 

More like - she doesn’t value him.

 

 

So, if a man posts about planning to get his wife a Coach purse as a gift, and instead of appreciating the effort, she tells him "Coach is cheap, I only want Louis Vuitton", followed by "I don't think you will get me a Louis Vuitton and I don't expect you to, because you always change your mind when you do have the money. You also would get football jerseys and other stuff"... that's totally fine and not manipulative/demanding at all?

[LivingWaterPlease]

How is this not manipulative or demanding?

 

Well, we see this differently, Elswyth. Which is just one of the things that makes this forum a good place to post and get advice from! Poster gets lots of different opinions!

 

To me, he's making a case as to why he wants it, not demanding she give it to him. To me, manipulation would include him being shrewd, skillful or artful, especially in an underhanded manner, to persuade her to get the wallet.

 

I don't consider his approach shrewd, skillful or artful. To me it is forthright and transparent.

 

Demanding, to me, would mean that he would say, "You have to get this for me." Insisting as to his reasons for wanting it is how I took the OP's post to represent.

 

To me judging from what he has posted, he is transparent and forthright in the discussion. To me, not to give it, especially when one is purchasing multiple $200 dolls for oneself, is stingy.

 

I say, enjoy giving him the wallet! Great, even sacrificial, tokens of love are a joy to give!

 

I see it as a loving opportunity!

 

To me, it's the difference between being loving and generous as opposed to being stingy and selfish (buying expensive things for oneself but not for one's "love")

[S2B]

More so, that they BOTH are showing unhealthy ways of participating within their marriage.

 

IF he wants a certain brand - and has been clear about that - what’s wrong with him being perfectly clear about exactly what he wants?

 

What he said after that isn’t nice! But maybe when she does have the money she won’t spend on him! And it’s possible she spends on herself instead.

 

He’s said what he wants - that’s a gift to you right there! OR you could minimize what he wants and spend half the money getting him something he doesn’t want! That’s crappy.

 

Save, get him the gift he wants... OR a gift card for whatever amount you would spend - sohe can put it toward what he wants!

[S2B]

IF I asked for Louis Vuitton and a man got me Tory Burch I would still think he wasn’t valuing what I actually asked for.

[Els]

Well, we see this differently, Elswyth. Which is just one of the things that makes this forum a good place to post and get advice from! Poster gets lots of different opinions!

 

 

Yes, happy to agree to disagree.

 

 

To me, it's the difference between being loving and generous as opposed to being stingy and selfish (buying expensive things for oneself but not for one's "love")

I can understand this. H and I both do this as well - splurging on things for each other that we wouldn't for ourselves.

 

 

But neither of us would ever expect it or say the things that her husband is saying, though. Unless he explicitly asked me what brand I wanted, I would never tell him what brand to buy for a gift to me. And I would ESPECIALLY not call his choice of brand "cheap" and ask for a more expensive brand... let alone bring up his personal expenditure when he says it's too expensive, which is (to me ) a form of guilt-tripping.