JulieDtd Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 A few months ago, my bf announced that his company was sending him overseas for 6 months. Over the past few months, since then, I've been trying to plan my life around him. How to get a break from working, how to quit, how to get to be with him during these 6 months. At the expense of my career. I've been feeling a slight sense of being unhappy, but i kept thinking i was being crazy and ridiculous. But today, fueled, albeit, but a few glasses of wine, i realised i was really upset that he did not discuss it with me. He proposed recently, we are getting married, but he did NOT tell me about him going overseas for 6 months, until it was a done deal. I understand the joy of working overseas. It's an experience. But even before he's gone, he has to think of ways to negate the bond that this experience comes with. One day, while deciding if I can be a doctor overseas with him, if I should quit my job for a while to be with him, i realised - Why am i sacrificing my career for him? When he just decided all these without consulting me? I don't know, I'm angry now, but I don't know if i have the right to be. Is it normal to accept these job things without consulting your partner? And mostly, i'm so angry with myself. I'm passionate about my job, but seriously, i was considering ****ing my career up to be with him when that was obviously not on his mind. Just really upset now, probably when my wine-fueled honesty goes away i'll tell myself another thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I'm confused, why do you need to quit your job if he is only going away for 6 months? You haven't mentioned what countries or what distance but why can't you keep working and visit him a few times during the 6 months and he does the same? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JulieDtd Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 i just became a doctor, and getting a job now means that for the next 6 months i'll be on probation and not eligible for taking leave. He also said very clearly that his 6 months is a short one, and he does not intent to take any leave to come back. Because it's only a 6-month period, and he feels that he should not waste it on just going back to his own country. To be fair, that's how I'd feel, totally, if i were on a trip and single. But he isn't. I don't know, just pissed he didn't consult me about leaving, it was like an FYI. Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 i just became a doctor, and getting a job now means that for the next 6 months i'll be on probation and not eligible for taking leave. He also said very clearly that his 6 months is a short one, and he does not intent to take any leave to come back. Because it's only a 6-month period, and he feels that he should not waste it on just going back to his own country. To be fair, that's how I'd feel, totally, if i were on a trip and single. But he isn't. I don't know, just pissed he didn't consult me about leaving, it was like an FYI. Ok I see. What is the distance between the two countries, flying time wise? I have never heard of not being eligible to take leave for 6 months during probation, that sounds illegal actually as holiday leave is accrued as soon as you start working. Again you don't mention what country you are from, maybe USA as here in the UK we have a lot better employment rights. I don't understand why he can't take a trip back during the 6 months, it wouldn't be 'back to his own country' it would be to see you. Anyway putting all the leave stuff to the side, I completely agree that he should have at least spoken to you regarding it, as it is a decision that affects both of you, not just him. Even if he did, your answer would have been 'go for it' so maybe he thought either way he was going so it wasn't important to talk to you before accepting it. This is something you need to communicate that you are not happy about, and to ensure he doesn't do the same again in the future. Yes he made a mistake, but not something that communication and an agreement for the future cannot fix. Either way I think going forward you should keep working and see each other when you can and make it possible. If you really want to you can. 6 months will fly by. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I wouldn't base any of your career decisions around this, especially considering that you were not consulted. He's a BF, not a husband although clearly you guys are pretty serious. Regardless, suggest you what's best for you with the LT in mind (that's what you've been doing consistently for years anyhow if you've just become a doctor). He'll come back in 6 months. If he doesn't, or if he strays, then better you find out that's a possibility now rather than say after 8 years of marriage. Maybe he will change his mind and take some of that leave during the 6 months for a visit or two... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 i just became a doctor, and getting a job now means that for the next 6 months i'll be on probation and not eligible for taking leave. He also said very clearly that his 6 months is a short one, and he does not intent to take any leave to come back. Because it's only a 6-month period, and he feels that he should not waste it on just going back to his own country. To be fair, that's how I'd feel, totally, if i were on a trip and single. But he isn't. I don't know, just pissed he didn't consult me about leaving, it was like an FYI. That part doesn't make sense to me. I asked my friend who had her medical board license in the US, the UK, AUK, and Spain if doctors are put on a probationary period after they pass their medical boards and she told me no, that a doctor's medical license isn't probationary unless they are being disciplined for something they did wrong, they require psychiatric treatment, or they require further medical training in their field. I found a link online that also explains it. So, I'm not sure what country you live in where you received your medical license from. https://medicalboard.georgia.gov/what-does-it-mean-if-physicians-license-status-listed-probation-suspension-or-revocation My friend's husband also lives in Spain while she lives in the U.S. and she travels all over the world doing medical training for her various medical licenses and she's been married for 15 years. She and her husband agreed that they would stay married and faithful to each other b/c he doesn't want to leave Spain and my friend loves traveling around the world, participating in various medical clinics for time periods in different countries. They are quite happy and take vacations and she takes leave every year to be with her husband. So your situation of 6 months apart should not be a big deal if you support your boyfriend/fiance while you are "forced" by your country's medical board licensing to stay in your country. I still don't understand how that is legal but I don't know what country you live in. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Geez. Thousands of women are separated from their boyfriends and husbands for months at a time when they are shipped oversea by the army. They survive. They make it! 6 months is nothing in a life time. I am sure you'll have opportunities to visit and nowadays with all the social media and facetime you'll speak each day. Back in my days when my husband left for middle east we had no Internet and no visits allowed, we tough it out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JulieDtd Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 I'm not from the U.S. or the U.K. In my country ( haha i'm wary to mention its name, kind of paranoid about privacy and anonymity ), usually, in the first 6 months of a job, you're on probation and not entitled to leave. Anyway, my issue is about his deciding, while we were in a serious relationship, to just go ahead for the 6-month trip without discussing it with me first. Yes, I would definitely have said go for it, but I feel upset that he informed me about the fact after he had okayed it with his boss. Mostly, upset with myself, because i tried to find short-term jobs, and we were thinking of me just not working so I could go with him. But truth be told, it'd be detrimental to my career to have this 1 year break (because I can't find a job, work for a couple months, then quit to join him, it's kinda irresponsible) just to be with him overseas. And while we were discussing ways I could make it so that I could be with him, I just had this thought, why do i have to sacrifice my career for you, when you chose to leave for 6 months, for a job you don't even really want? Okay, anyway, I guess i'm just frustrated that I'm the one having to consider making sacrifices with regards to my career. While he just threw this news upon me. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) @JulieDtd.... How long have you been a doctor? Did you just get your medical license to practice medicine? The link I provided can be applied to every country, fyi, not just the US. Those are the only 3 reasons a doctor's license would be on probation. Back to your issue with your boyfriend on 6 month leave. Well, if you really love him, you'll support him and as Gaeta pointed out military personnel from EVERY country are separated from their loved ones for years but keep in touch via video and emails. 6 months is not long. I suggest you use video and email to keep in touch with your boyfriend while he is abroad for 6 months. Where is he going to? You should support him. 6 months isn't very long. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 ...why do i have to sacrifice my career for you, when you chose to leave for 6 months, for a job you don't even really want? Okay, anyway, I guess i'm just frustrated that I'm the one having to consider making sacrifices with regards to my career. While he just threw this news upon me. Yup. You don't and IMO you probably shouldn't. This may be setting the wrong precedents for your lifetime together (assuming that happens). Link to post Share on other sites
Author JulieDtd Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 I just graduated, am under housemanship. It's not banned, but NO ONE takes any leave for the first few months of this. I don't know how to say it, i mean, it's not banned, but NO ONE does. I just don't want to be that person. I don't know. Kind of an unspoken rule? Anyway, aside from that, yea, I'll just probably get a hobby and not be needy. Also focus on my career. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) @JulieDtd..... If it's not banned then why can you not do it? Who cares if nobody else does it, do you really live your life caring what other people think or only doing things other people do? 'That person' is exactly what you should be. I would never let some 'unwritten rule' effect my life like that. Take control of the situation instead. If you are allowed to take leave then take it. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) I just graduated, am under housemanship. It's not banned, but NO ONE takes any leave for the first few months of this. I don't know how to say it, i mean, it's not banned, but NO ONE does. .... Oh, I was just curious if you were still a medical intern or not. A housemanship has a stipend but doesn't prevent you from leaving the country. Only the medical internship would. Housemanship is the first two years of training in health systems that follows the British system of post-graduate medical education. Anyways, if you don't want to leave your country, then just stay in touch with your boyfriend via video chat and email. If you're applying for jobs as a doctor, that will keep you busy for the next 6 months anyway. I don't see your boyfriend's 6-month overseas work contract as a deal breaker. Maybe he gaffed by waiting to bring it up with you after he secured it, b/c that was insensitive of him. But, maybe the decision was made for him by his employer. Maybe he didn't have a choice in the matter which would mean him losing his job to keep you happy, and if that's the case, that would be unfair for you to expect him to lose his job to stay with you. Just move forward. 6 months is nothing. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 . He proposed recently, we are getting married, but he did NOT tell me about him going overseas for 6 months, until it was a done deal. -- Why am i sacrificing my career for him? When he just decided all these without consulting me? I'm glad you caught yourself before making a mistake. Well done. When he gets back, see how it goes and make decisions about marriage then. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I would start the job and focus on my career. If the relationship is meant to be long term, you will manage the distance and move forward with your lives together when he return. If this relationship is not meant to be, and it may not be meant to be if he agreed to move out of country without even consulting you, then at least you will not suffer a career setback. Win-win, you learn the truth about his commitment to the relationship and you are well on your way to a professional career. Well done on graduation, by the way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 op I understand your anger If I were you I too would be bothered that he told you after he made the decision But....what’s done is done. The decision was made. Now you just got to figure out what you want to do. Plenty of people do decide to be in long term long distance relationships/marriages and stay together but those are people who accept those type of relationships and accept their partners responsibilities that keep them away. Not everybody wants that type of relationship. Not everybody wants that kind of partner. Not every wants that life. That doesn’t make them wrong. That doesn’t make them right. It’s just is. So I don’t think your wrong for feeling how you are feeling If I were in your shoes I would think twice about marrying this guy I’m not at all saying he will be a bad husband to you. We don’t have enough information to know if he is good or bad. But I do sense a great amount of lack of awareness and inconsideration when he decided on such an important decision without letting you know about his plans and he call himself wanting to marry you. You probably feel like maybe you care more about being “together” then he does. On the other hand He probably was thinking on the financial benefits to your combined household when he made the decision (hopefully). So not to demonize this guy without knowing his true intentions by the way.. So yes please focus on building your career and your life while he is away and see how this long distance decision feels to you. If your not happy and can’t accept it then cut his butt loose and find a guy that’s on the same page as you. If you can cope and keep it together and be at peace with that solution by all means do so. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) I would start the job and focus on my career. If the relationship is meant to be long term, you will manage the distance and move forward with your lives together when he return..... I would be upset at his lack of communication with you. I would second this advice 100%, though. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) If it's not banned then why can you not do it? Who cares if nobody else does it, do you really live your life caring what other people think or only doing things other people do? 'That person' is exactly what you should be. I would never let some 'unwritten rule' effect my life like that.Take control of the situation instead. If you are allowed to take leave then take it. It doesn't tend to work like that in medicine. If NO-ONE does it, if NO-ONE breaks the unwritten rule, then she will likely be risking her whole career by standing up against it. NO references, black mark against her, she might as well give up. Medicine tends to be closed shop, it can be more about who you know than what you know, word of mouth means a lot. There is little room for people who do not conform, people who are not willing to put in that extra mile. As a houseman she needs to show willing and impress people, not tell her bosses, "Bye I am now off on annual leave..." OP You are doing the right thing by sticking to your own career path. I guess your bf is not as serious about you as you thought... Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I would be upset at his lack of communication with you. Absolutely agree, this is the very type of thing you discuss as a couple. weight the pros and cons, toss about the logistics and make a decision - together. JulieDtd, has he been somewhat arbitrary and one-sided in his decision making process throughout your relationship? Were I in your place, I'd be concerned you're getting a glimpse of the future. You may come home one day and be informed he's bought a house for you to live in. At the very least, it would seem premarital counseling would be in order upon his return... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 You may come home one day and be informed he's bought a house for you to live in. A friend of mine had that happen to her. NO discussion whatsoever. He was very rich and it was a beautiful house, bought on a whim, but it set off a bomb in their relationship. They didn't last long after that, she left him. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) JulieDtd, has he been somewhat arbitrary and one-sided in his decision making process throughout your relationship? Were I in your place, I'd be concerned you're getting a glimpse of the future. You may come home one day and be informed he's bought a house for you to live in. Or worse... As to the leave of absence having started a new job - I don’t know many employers who would be willing to give a six month leave of absence from a new job. A week or two unpaid leave of absence to go and visit him - maybe. But, what about planning a trip to meet him somewhere else? There is lots of opportunity to compromise here... I would be concerned about the fact that he isn’t asking to compromise, he isn’t consulting you, he isn’t willing to give in any way... He also said very clearly that his 6 months is a short one, and he does not intent to take any leave to come back. Because it's only a 6-month period, and he feels that he should not waste it on just going back to his own country. I hate to say it, but this tells you what his priority is - and it’s not you. Again, a sign of things to come in married life? Edited August 20, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 So he walked you down with engagement before he went, but that still doesn't mean that things won't turn a different way for one or both of you during a separation. My best advice is to concentrate on your own career path and not to do anything permanent like getting married until you are both living in the same place and are settled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I’d be upset too if I were you. You two are engaged. He should have discussed it with you first. And like others said, I’d be worried that this is a glimpse of what your future life with him will be like. So yeah, like Mr. Lucky said, at the very least, premarital counseling when he gets back. Congrats on becoming a doctor! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 the fact that he did not consult you is a HUGE red flag. Inconsiderate, selfish, and not something you do when you have a relationship with someone. You are supposed to work as a team. Anyways, another warning to you is that 6 months is a long time to be apart and there is alot of work that can be done if you want to make LD work, but it's not a cake walk, also these "6 months" may turn into other opportunities and how much are you willing to compromise before you start looking out for YOU? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Just keep positive and see how this plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
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