Bf announced a 6-month work trip

[JulieDtd]

Thanks so much everyone for really putting in so much effort in the advice.

 

I told him we should wait to register our marriage, because i'm not sure how the 6 months would turn out. I have to have a long talk with him, to figure this out, and to also set ground rules about big decisions.

 

I'll be cautious and see how things go, and also hope for the best!

 

I'll definitely focus on my career while he does his, and if anything, at least i have my career!

 

He explained his actions were definitely a lack of awareness, and asked how he could possibly make things right. I have no clue what to say to that. I'll just have to think things through and talk things out with him.

[Mr. Lucky]

He explained his actions were definitely a lack of awareness, and asked how he could possibly make things right.

 

You know him better than anyone, but hard to believe one wouldn't consider the impact of a six-month separation on an engagement and prospective marriage. Makes you wonder how seriously he takes the relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiderowl]

i just became a doctor, and getting a job now means that for the next 6 months i'll be on probation and not eligible for taking leave. He also said very clearly that his 6 months is a short one, and he does not intent to take any leave to come back. Because it's only a 6-month period, and he feels that he should not waste it on just going back to his own country. To be fair, that's how I'd feel, totally, if i were on a trip and single. But he isn't. I don't know, just pissed he didn't consult me about leaving, it was like an FYI.

 

He hasn't consulted you about it - just decided it. That shows that his commitment is to his job at present and less so to you. Maybe this is why you feel angry about it.

 

I would really advise against doing anything that might damage your career. In later years, you will regret it. A career is (hopefully) security and an independent income. You should not have to follow your boyfriend. He is effectively leaving you so maybe you should have a talk about splitting up during this period. Yes, I know you don't want that, but it will make him think about what he is doing and its impact on you.

 

If you are really unhappy with what he is doing, then leave him. He should know that you will not be there to hang around waiting for him while he fulfils his career where he likes and when he likes. I guess you won't though if you were even thinking of giving up your career to spend time with him.

 

You have a right to feel angry about this. It would have be better to confront him with your feelings about it earlier on, but better late than never.

[preraph]

Even though he seems clueless that he should have talked with you about making the decision, at least he seems willing to communicate about it all now, so hopefully you can make it work. And it's good you didn't register. I mean, what if he goes there and then they decide to transfer him to some other place and never even comes back there. Companies do take advantage of people willing to move.

[JulieDtd]

I think everyone's advice about not registering for marriage yet and to KIV how everything is with him is really legit.

 

About my career, well, I was supposed to study in UCLA Berkeley in the U.S. once. It was my dream school and stuff, but I gave that up for my ex-husband, who wanted to stay in our country, and realised the one big truth in life - One should never ever give up career opportunities for relationships.

 

This time, I'm glad I caught myself. I think if I'd postponed my whole career and gone off with him, I'd have hated myself. Plus, it never looks good to be someone who didn't practice for 6 months. Skills deteriorate.

 

I've told him about my dissatisfaction with how he handles things, and he's really actually usually a pretty sweet and caring guy. He has had some rationale about his treating the whole affair as a no-big-deal thing, and I guess for now I'll focus on my career and just remember that relationships may come and go (even marriages).

 

Thanks for all the input, everyone.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You sounds like you have a history of being a doormat. Your bf is probably so used to it that he thinks he can get away with murder.

 

 

The fact that you even *thought* of sacrificing your career so that you are not separated for 6 months is mind boggling and extremely needy. I bet you will still end up doing this despite what you are writing in this thread

[Els]

A 6-month LDR is 100% doable...

 

 

 

However, the major red flag for me here is that he did not even bother to discuss this with you. If he was in the army and deployed, that's one thing, it often comes by surprise and you can't always say no. You don't mention his occupation, but the vast majority of jobs cannot just "post" you overseas without your explicit agreement. So he presumably said yes, and said it without so much as talking to you about it.

 

 

I can't understand this sort of behaviour from a man you're presumably engaged to. Have you asked him why he did not talk to you about it first?

[JulieDtd]

You sounds like you have a history of being a doormat. Your bf is probably so used to it that he thinks he can get away with murder.

 

 

The fact that you even *thought* of sacrificing your career so that you are not separated for 6 months is mind boggling and extremely needy. I bet you will still end up doing this despite what you are writing in this thread

 

WOW WOW WOW.

 

I think you're trying to help, but wow the judgement. Also it's all set for him to go without me, I really cannot imagine myself going overseas and doing nothing for 6 months. I have a strong support network here.

 

But seriously, A DOORMAT? Wow. Getting away with murder?.

 

He's the guy who sits with me while I whine and complain and just sometimes snap at him too. He explains himself, he is so kind to me, he seldom raises his voice. He cooks for me, he sends me flowers just because. He listens to me talk for hours about things I'm upset about and supports me. I would very much appreciate it if you didn't simplify everything and make every thing so reductionist.

[JulieDtd]

A 6-month LDR is 100% doable...

 

 

 

However, the major red flag for me here is that he did not even bother to discuss this with you. If he was in the army and deployed, that's one thing, it often comes by surprise and you can't always say no. You don't mention his occupation, but the vast majority of jobs cannot just "post" you overseas without your explicit agreement. So he presumably said yes, and said it without so much as talking to you about it.

 

 

I can't understand this sort of behaviour from a man you're presumably engaged to. Have you asked him why he did not talk to you about it first?

 

 

He said he really should have, just something he thought was going to happen for a few years and was looking forward to. So when it was offered to him after we were serious, he said yes.

 

I agree, it raises red flags. I'll watch out for myself and take more time to focus on myself. Perhaps the 6 months would be a good time for me to be more centred.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[Els]

He said he really should have, just something he thought was going to happen for a few years and was looking forward to. So when it was offered to him after we were serious, he said yes.

 

 

Hmm, I see. Sorry if I missed it, but how long have you two been together?

 

 

Also, if he agrees that he was wrong to have not discussed it with you first, surely he should at the very least offer to fly back to visit you once?

[JulieDtd]

Hmm, I see. Sorry if I missed it, but how long have you two been together?

 

 

Also, if he agrees that he was wrong to have not discussed it with you first, surely he should at the very least offer to fly back to visit you once?

 

About a year plus? and well, i think he's hoping i'll fly over to visit. Which I could, but if it's for just a weekend, like 2 days, plus flights, it doesn't seem worth it. I'm not too sure if he can take leave during these 6 months. I'm hoping perhaps over christmas, or some public holiday, we could do something. Probably will check out the flights and hope it isn't too expensive at these timings.

[elaine567]

He's the guy who sits with me while I whine and complain and just sometimes snap at him too. He explains himself, he is so kind to me, he seldom raises his voice. He cooks for me, he sends me flowers just because. He listens to me talk for hours about things I'm upset about and supports me.

 

OK, but my guess he didn't tell you in case you managed to persuade him not to go.

Stop the whining and complaining and snapping and being upset for hours. Men in general do not like that, in fact no-one likes that...

My guess and you are not going to like it.

He is putting deliberate distance between you.

Despite the engagement, he is halfway out the door. The "no leave" rule kind of confirms that. He is acting like a single guy out there doing a job, he is not taking "the relationship" into consideration.

I guess you suspected he is no longer "all in" hence the initial panic to move countries to be with him.

 

Either that or he is just a selfish guy who assumes whatever he does is fine by you...

 

Neither is good.

[JulieDtd]

OK, but my guess he didn't tell you in case you managed to persuade him not to go.

Stop the whining and complaining and snapping and being upset for hours. Men in general do not like that, in fact no-one likes that...

My guess and you are not going to like it.

He is putting deliberate distance between you.

Despite the engagement, he is halfway out the door. The "no leave" rule kind of confirms that. He is acting like a single guy out there doing a job, he is not taking "the relationship" into consideration.

I guess you suspected he is no longer "all in" hence the initial panic to move countries to be with him.

 

Either that or he is just a selfish guy who assumes whatever he does is fine by you...

 

Neither is good.

 

Erm he asked to get married before he leaves, so i doubt he's half-in. I requested to postpone it, cos i feel 1 year plus isn't enough to be married.

 

He said he wants to be seen as viable for migration in future, since that is what I want in the future, and he feels that my job allows many opportunities for migration, while his doesn't, so he wants to show with the 6 months that he is suitable for overseas work.

 

Hmm. I'll just wait it out and not get married before I'm sure we'd survive these 6 months

 

Also, I have zero suspicions about him not being all-in, i'm simply needy. I like having my partner nearby, there to talk to and hold. I'm needy yes, and don't believe in LDR.

Edited August 29, 2019 by JulieDtd

[JulieDtd]

I posted prior to this, about how my fiance told me that he's leaving to work overseas for 6 months, and I was upset that he did not discuss the choice with me before doing so. But that aside, many arguments later, I do feel like the best thing is for him to go overseas, career-wise. But then I also found out that he was offered the same gig before this, but his ex-wife vetoed it and he turned it down.

 

So currently, I have so much resentment.

 

1. Why did his ex-wife have a say in it then? Why did I not get the same chance to discuss it?

 

He says that basically she was against it as it was going to be in Japan, and she worried about radiation, as she wanted to have a baby. He thought since I don't want kids, I won't have an issue. Basically assumed that I'd be fine with it so didn't discuss it with me before agreeing.

 

2. I've been going through highly stressful and tough situations the past few years, and finally, things seem good. Seem to be going really well for me now, I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can relax and enjoy life. But now, this is dropped on me, and I have to deal with the stressful situation of a LDR, where I have to be stressed out and it was not my choice at all. I had no say.

 

I feel like if it were in another year or so, where things are stable, it would have been fine. Or perhaps if he had discussed things with me first, so it doesn't feel like things are out of my control, that things are just happening to me.

 

I've been sulky, down, and picking fights these past 2 weeks, as the date of his leaving draws nearer. I don't know what to do, I'm so upset and resentful.

 

I'd like some advice from people who've done LDR before, about how to get past the dreading of his leaving and the resentment.

 

Please don't tell me things like "Why are you so clingy, it's NBD" etc., because, i AM clingy and i like being around my partner physically. I don't like LDR, never believed in it. Basically, please don't tear my character down, but I would appreciate any advice on being more independent and less resentful! Would love to actually enjoy the 6 months where he's gone, instead of pining away!

[ExpatInItaly]

You're not being clingy.

 

He made a significant life choice without speaking to you about it at all. That does not bode well for a relationship, let alone an impending marriage.

 

You two have a much bigger problem to sort out than how you are going to manage a long-distance relationship for 6 months. The source of the resentment badly needs to be dealt with. Unless and until you and he confront the real issue here - i.e. the lack of true partnership - the next 6 months are going to be rough. Very rough.

[Maddie82]

I agree that he should've discussed this with you first because it affects you too, and he didn't take your feelings into consideration at all. You sound very emotionally dependent on him but I'm that way with my husband too. I know how you feel. The thought of him going anywhere for work makes me stressed and miserable. Have you told him straight how you feel about the way he has gone about this? If he is fully intent on going, without caring about how you feel about it then that is not a good foundation for your future marriage.

[elaine567]

IMO you jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

You have grabbed onto this guy, but he does not really match up.

You are tying yourself in knots trying to accept his flaws. I see you have been abused, this "compliance" is common in previously abused women.

He is just living his life and you are trying your hardest to accommodate him, even when it is detrimental to yourself.

 

Stop it.

Take a huge step back.You don't NEED a guy like this.

He obviously doesn't NEED you. You are expendable.

 

(He didn't ask you because your opinion did not matter, he was going anyway.

It doesn't feel right, because it isn't right.

The fact he took his ex's opinion into consideration previously, shows he respected her. He does not have the same respect for you.)

[basil67]

I'm not going to criticise you. Heck, I wouldn't even be considering a LDR with a guy who made the choice without discussing it with me first.

[d0nnivain]

His ex-WIFE got veto power. You are not the wife yet. You have to consider that her holding him back from advancing in his career contributed to their split. If he is taking this short term gig to make money to support you & your marriage that should be viewed as a good thing.

 

Yes it will suck that he's gone but you need to be celebrating the fact that he's a hard worker.

 

Yes, he was also wrong in failing to discuss the situation & the options with you. His communication will have to improve before you walk down the aisle but that is not unsurmountable.

 

LDRs are not all that stressful especially for such a relatively short term. It's 6 months. Not 6 years. Whatever has you stressed out is coloring your whole view of this negatively. You are going to be sad. Heck, I miss my husband when he goes away for 6 weeks but you make a plan. DH & I do the morning text thing when he's gone & we have a phone call around dinner time. He goes to bed way later then me so I don't really want to talk to him at midnight. You find ways to fill your time while he's gone. You have wedding planning to do so do some of that. Make plans with your friends. Take a class. Work overtime. Get a 2nd job; heaven knows with an impending wedding more money will come in handy. Remember you have lots of communication options available to you: text, calls, social media, video etc. If at all possible, see if you can go on a trip to him so you can spend some time together.

 

If you don't put on a brave face here, your negative attitude will destroy your engagement.

[MsJayne]

You have every right to be peeved that he didn't discuss it with you, and about the stupid radiation excuse that he gave for his ex having input, (do you really believe that one? What if he'd been posted to Antarctica, would she have vetoed it because she was worried his manhood might be frozen off?) At best I would say start saving so that you can go and visit him while he's there, at worst I would say think hard about marrying a guy who doesn't allow you to have any input on something that actually affects you. To not tell you about it until he's already accepted the job suggests that he couldn't care less about your feelings on the matter, and that doesn't augur well for a marriage of equality.

[IslandSanctuary]

6 months is a long time. I'd feel very disrespected and unimportant if my partner chose to do that for that long away from me.

My partner is no.1 in my life and I expect to be the same. So it would hurt. Seems cold to me.

[Els]

About a year plus? and well, i think he's hoping i'll fly over to visit. Which I could, but if it's for just a weekend, like 2 days, plus flights, it doesn't seem worth it. I'm not too sure if he can take leave during these 6 months. I'm hoping perhaps over christmas, or some public holiday, we could do something. Probably will check out the flights and hope it isn't too expensive at these timings.

 

 

How is it possible that both of you have zero leave for the entire 6 months? Is that even legal?

 

 

I'll be honest, the outlook doesn't look great to me - and I'm actually a LDR believer in general. The lack of discussion, the fact that you're going to be apart for 6 months and neither of you is even planning a visit... It's a little bit scary, to be honest.

[d0nnivain]

JulieDTd

 

I'm coming late to this party. But here are my thoughts:

 

Your BF didn't have to discuss his work plans with you. Your FI should have. I'm not sure what your relationship status was when he accepted the job.

 

6 months isn't forever & it's not even 6 years. You can do this, especially with all the technology available to keep you connected.

 

Even probationary doctors get some time off. Never quit a job & go chasing after a romantic partner, especially one who didn't include you in the decision making process. Carve out some time to go to him at least once. Also impress upon him the need to come home at least one. Explain that he owes you that concession for springing this on you & not discussing it with you.

 

Be engaged while he's gone. Do some preliminary planning / dreaming but do not spend any money on a wedding while he's away. Use the time to find creative ways to connect & strengthen your relationship across the miles.

 

Think of this as a test to see if you are cut out to weather the bad times together. While he's gone you can pour all of yourself into your new job.

[Mr. Lucky]

i think he's hoping i'll fly over to visit. Which I could, but if it's for just a weekend, like 2 days, plus flights, it doesn't seem worth it. I'm not too sure if he can take leave during these 6 months. I'm hoping perhaps over christmas, or some public holiday, we could do something. Probably will check out the flights and hope it isn't too expensive at these timings.

 

If it's your expectation he'll be faithful while he's gone, you might schedule a mid-point visit just as a 'sanity check' during the 6 month period.

 

That's a long time for both of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[justwhoiam]

Why did his ex-wife have a say in it then? Why did I not get the same chance to discuss it?

Because you're not married to him. And marriage is supposed to be a serious commitment, with legal consequences. How long have you been with this guy?

 

I'd like some advice from people who've done LDR before, about how to get past the dreading of his leaving and the resentment.

Well, it all depends on how solid your relationship is. If we want to be wise, we know that getting mad is only damaging to our health. What is more important to you now? Still being with him through thick and thin? Getting your point across? Giving him a lesson? Navigating the 6 months smoothly?

 

I guess I would be bothered and have a talk with him about it. The health concern applies to me too. But the seriousness of it all also depends on where he's going to. Try to understand his motives before jumping to conclusions. Is he doing it for the money to use for the wedding or marriage? Is he doing it to enhance his career, raise his wage long-term? Is it doing it out of curiosity or whim? Is he doing it as a last fresh breath of freedom before tying the knot?

Getting to know how he reasons is part of your job as a prospect wife, while making sure he doesn't make the same mistake in the future. Where the mistake is making decisions by himself, not working abroad for a limited amount of time.

 

 

For me, 6 months is doable. You need to look at the bigger picture.