This is the end - my OW story

[WB6989]

Hi All

 

I'm new to this forum, just wanted to share my story and find some encouragement too.

 

I'm a married OW in a 10-month affair with a MM. We work together in a highly stressful and demanding job. When it first started, we were just 2 people who got along really well. Thing escalated very quickly, and pretty much 2 months in we both felt we were in love. We texted all day everyday, from waking to sleeping. We think and feel alike in most aspects of our lives. We work extremely well together and felt like we can handle anything at work as a team. We talk none stop about music , about literature, and many aspects of life. He told me I'm his soulmate. Of course, sex was amazing. But the intimacy and connectedness was what felt so special about our relationship.

 

He has been married for a long time with 2 teenage kids at home. He's a great dad, wakes them up before school and puts the younger kid to bed at night. His kids mean the world to me. He tells me that he's been " pretty darn unhappy" in his marriage for a long time now. He feels disconnected with her, and tells me in has never been able to be himself around her. They have gone to marriage counselling many times over the years but no improvement. Due to his unhappiness he has been drinking a lot the last 5-6 years, which is another source of tension in his marriage. He has been seeing his own counsellor the past 5 years about his drinking and unhappy marriage.

 

My marriage is better, husband is a great person and very loving and kind. However we never had passion, and we never connected on an intellectual level. I just can't have great conversations with him, about music, about literature, which means a lot to me. I married him because he's a great loving man and provided me with much security, which is what i thought i wanted.

 

Fast forward to the last few months , i felt unhappy with only having my AP part-time so I asked him to leave his marriage, because I would leave mine for him. He said he feels stuck because of the kids. So I ended things with him. after just 2 days of not talking, he texted me telling me he wants to figure out how to end his marriage. He talked to 2 friends about it, went back to his therapist. His therapist (who's known him for 5 years) shockingly told him that she's happy for him about the affair, she's seen him so unhappy for years looking for a bandaid solution. She told him to keep visualizing getting divorced and that kids will be ok. He told me that he is trying to figure it out and get divorced, he's decided that we're gonna be together. His therapist asked him which would be worse, losing me or the kids. He said he can't lose me.

 

This went on for 2 months. I saw no action from him that he's actually working on leaving the marriage, just words. Toward the end of July he got into a big fight with his wife (nothing to do with me, she had no idea) , they both admitted they're so unhappy, and that they should be divorced. But none of them wanted to tell their kids. He told me about the fight, and basically said the ball is in his court now, he just needs to figure out how to tell his kids. However a few days later he went away with his family to attend his wife's family event. Like the fight didn't even happen. Of course i got upset, his actions didn't match his words. I gave him an ultimatum of august 12th, then we need to end things, he can figure things out on his own. He was very sad and reluctant to end, but agreed to august 12th, and said he'll " figure things out and make it right with me"

 

August 8th we went to a work event together, His wife was out of town. We were friendly but did spend the whole night talking to each other. The next morning, he got a call from his very angry wife: apparently someone from work took a picture of us sitting too close together. The person from work also told her how we're always together at work, and everyone thinks we're having an affair. Understandably she was livid. She threatened to take the kids out of the province, threatened to sell their house the moment she was back . He was devastated. The next few days were hell for him. She was still away, and kept on sending nasty texts to him, calling him names, yelling at home. poor guy still had to go to work and deal with not knowing who this work colleague that contacted his wife.

 

A few days later, his wife came back. I barely heard from him at all during the first few days. When I saw him on August 12th at work, he told me he denied everything. He said we're just good friends at work and there's nothing going on. Wish i felt very relieved TBH because i didn't want my husband to find out either. He said he doesn't want me to be blamed as the OW for the possible demise of his marriage.

 

Then to my utter shock, he said he has decided to try to fix his marriage.

Just like that, months of months of telling me how much he loves me, trying to leave his marriage, now he tells me he wants to fix his marriage. He said this whole experience made him realize he's not ready to leave his life as he knew it. his wife want to try to make things better, and he said he sees hope for the first time that things could be better. He thinks they haven't really tried at all during their entire marriage ( even though they went to counselling many times). I was, I am devastated.

 

We've gone NC for 5 days now. It's been extremely difficult. I don't understand how a man can go from stating how much he loves me, tells me he thinks about me constantly, to completely NC. Just like that. Back to his life, to his wife. I am trying to be strong. I know that clearly he didn't really love me the way he said he did. Im trying to tell me self that how it ended was a blessing in disguise. If it didn't happen like this, I would still be waiting for him to leave his wife, for months, years. Now I just need to swollow my hurt and see reality. And move on.

 

Any thoughts would be much appreciated !

Edited August 20, 2019 by WB6989

[DKT3]

Typical affair, may only thought is when are you going to get divorced?

[heartwhole2]

I think you’re right that this is the softest landing possible. Imagine if there were a DDay — you’d still lose him but add to that the humiliation of him publicly discarding you and the fallout in your own life.

 

That said, you should prepare yourself that there may be a true DDay in your future. BW may well keep searching to figure out why the puzzle pieces just don’t fit, or MM may decide he can’t in good conscience work on his marriage without telling her the truth. Are you in therapy yourself?

 

If you read more stories here you’ll recognize your story as a common one. For whatever reason exit affairs are much more common for married women than for married men. I’m sure his feelings were/are genuine, but the life one imagines with a clandestine affair partner is not a sure thing. Only if you subscribe to the idea that feelings between two lovers just magically happen to us would you think that developing them means your marriage is hopeless and the affair is your only chance at happiness. Most adults recognize that feelings can be nurtured or discouraged, and that there’s reason to be cautious about a person willing to lie to and cheat on their spouse.

[BaileyB]

Sadly, very typical.

 

Just wondering what your plan is for work? You are going to have to see this man every day... Knowing that the office rumour mill will be working... Have you thought that far ahead, or are you focused primarily on the loss of the relationship?

 

You may in fact want to consider getting ahead of this and telling your husband. If a picture was sent to his wife... And, as heartwhole said, his wife may not stop until she finds the answer to the question for which, she may well be searching...

[DKT3]

This wasnt a exist affair, it is simply a bored wife found excitment with another man then decided she wanted him to leave his marriage. Funny, she has made no mention of leaving her marriage. Were you waiting for him to leave first?

 

As far as soft landing, nah. She still has to deal with the ramifications in her own marriage. Not to mention MM wife, who at least suspects a inappropriate relationship thus the anger from the picture. Very good chance she will be contacting OPs husband.

[pepperbird]

Op..He is showing you who he really is. Believe that. Don't make excuses for him, don't play the " it's all his wife's doing" game.

 

This man is nothing more than a typical cheating married men. You are projecting your own unhappiness on him. Stop that. The only thing he's unhappy about it that he didn't get an even bigger slice of cake.

[mark clemson]

In a way it's too bad he didn't have the guts to end what was obviously a very unhappy marriage. Even the therapist thought he should end it. You actually (unwittingly I think) made it easier/more bearable for him.

 

Too bad, he'll be stuck in it now.

 

People around here may suggest you tell your husband about the affair. I say THINK ABOUT IT CAREFULLY before you decide this. There are real and very good reasons to disclose, as well as significant risks. It is unfair to your husband that he was your "plan B". Think about that if you decide to reinvest in your marriage. How would you feel?

 

There is a significant chance he will try to restart the affair or at least re-establish the emotional connection in coming months. Especially since his marriage apparently sucks. Think about what you want/don't want and be prepared for this.

 

There is a small, but real, chance that your husband will find out about the affair at some point. So you should be prepared for that eventuality too in case it happens. Know what you want, but also be prepared for a very wide spectrum of possible reactions.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I'm sorry WB6989,

 

Many of us are in your shoes.... He may very well love you and want to move forward, but the guilt of leaving is too much (especially with how involved you say he is with his children). I think so many MM/MW come to this conclusion. I came to the point where I told my MM he needed to work on his marriage and forget about me because he was just stuck in indecision. I never gave him an ultimatum or pushed him to leave (he had thought that was what he wanted all on his own). As it got harder and harder for me, and I knew he was tortured with the decision, we were left with no other option.

 

As difficult as the NC is, try to let him go so that he can figure things out. I know how much you are hurting (I am on 2 weeks of NC and it is excruciating). You are probably vacillating between being sad and being mad and that is normal. The only way to get through it is with time. I know you want to hit the fast forward button (Lord knows I want to), but it is a process (and a lengthy one at that) to get untangled from this.

 

Please keep posting....it does help. There are a lot of supportive people on here that give great insight. You will also get some people that are harsh. Take what you need from all of it to help you during this difficult time.

Edited August 20, 2019 by dazey72

[WB6989]

Thank you all who have answered. You are all so helpful, I love hearing your perspectives.

 

And yes I am getting counselling, i started a few months ago. have not seen my therapist since the end of my affair yet. I will make an appointment soon. Thankfully where we work it's very easy to avoid people. I switched my schedule around so I don't see him for another month.

 

One day at a time. I am oscillating between sadness and anger. When does it get better?

[notmyfinestmoment]

Give yourself a couple of months...grieve the loss. It's only been a week and your world has been turned upside down.

 

If I think about it, I would rather be the one hurting than his wife and child (there was no d-day for me). They didn't do anything to deserve this mess. So if he can work it out and live a happy life, I would want that because I love him. Sometimes loving people means letting them go for what is best for them. Does it mean that I don't want him or love him less? No. I think about him everyday, missing him and still love him. But I have to take responsibility for some of my sadness because I was somewhere I didn't belong.

 

You will get there....in time (lots of time).

[mark clemson]

When does it get better?

 

 

That's another hard part in all this. Not for a while, probably. Much longer than we'd like. Typically several months I believe, although it may go better for you if you don't have true limerence.

[Amethyst68]

So this man is supposedly so involved in his children's lives but would have given them up if the choice was between then and you. That was while the choice was in the abstract of course.

 

So when are you going to implement divorce proceedings against your husband? Just because you no longer have MM to go to doesn't mean your husband shouldn't deserve to have a new start anyway!

[anika99]

In a way it's too bad he didn't have the guts to end what was obviously a very unhappy marriage. Even the therapist thought he should end it. You actually (unwittingly I think) made it easier/more bearable for him.

 

Meh. I would take anything the MM says that his therapist said with a grain of salt. It sounds to me like he was grossly misinterpreting what the therapist said or outright lying. OP says the therapist was happy about the affair. I can see a therapist being happy that a client had made a decision to leave an unhappy marriage but not celebrating an affair. Then he says the therapist told him to picture losing his affair partner or his children and pick which he wants more. WTF kind of therapist would say that? A therapist would probably counsel their client to stop the affair at least temporarily so that they could end their marriage with a clear head and the least amount of damage to the children. They would help their client find a solution to ending the marriage while still remaining in their kids' lives. No decent therapist would tell someone to pick their affair partner over their kids.

 

OP first I wonder why the onus was on the MM to leave his marriage while you were staying firmly planted in your own marriage. Why did he have to leave his wife first? Maybe he thought that was a fool's game as he had doubts that you would truly leave your husband.

 

You have obviously tarnished your reputation at work. Everyone knows you and the MM are in an affair and the coworker who shared this info with his wife may very well be targeting your husband next. Your husband could be learning of this very soon. Hopefully you will learn not to mix your personal life up with your business life in the very near future.

 

Since you were so willing to ditch your husband for another man you should probably leave him anyways. You say he is a good man so he doesn't deserve to be stuck wasting his life on someone who cheats on him and who doesn't really love him. He can find someone who loves him as much as you love your MM. What's the point of carrying on this sham marriage?

[mark clemson]

A therapist would probably counsel their client to stop the affair at least temporarily so that they could end their marriage with a clear head and the least amount of damage to the children. They would help their client find a solution to ending the marriage while still remaining in their kids' lives.

 

 

This is true...

[notmyfinestmoment]

I don't think you realize how progressive some counselors are. If he found one, it wouldn't be too far off to believe this, especially if the counselor does not have relationship expertise.

 

Definitely outside of the scope of traditional counseling though. We don't know, we weren't there. Never say never!

[gettinoverit]

OP you are going to be getting a lot of "tough love" here - just bear in mind a lot of people have their own axes to grind.

 

I understand where you are coming from in a "meh" marriage. I can't connect to my now former husband either. It's not his fault, nor is it mine. We - literally in fact! - don't speak the same language. I hoped love would conquer all, and it did for quite a while, but it's been very hard and involved a lot of sacrifice on my part, next to none on his. I've got to the point where I'm not willing to live the rest of my life like this. I don't know if you will get there too, but I totally understand how you feel in the marriage with someone you can't connect to. It's incredibly lonely. It's how these things start. I truly believe most APs are not the machiavellian types that they are made out to be but are basically good people who gradually got in over their heads before they realized what was happening to them. I've lost count of the number of OW/OM who said they would NEVER have an affair - until they did. Life is complicated. No judgement here, even as a multiple-times BS.

 

That said - have you tried to talk to him about it? Tell him how you feel? At least give him a chance to try and meet your needs? That might be something you can work on, a focus for you as you move on from this.

 

Whoever this coworker is that ratted you both out, my God, I wish people would stay in their own lanes and not stir up trouble. But, it's been done, and yes, she may come after your H - with what? A pic of someone standing close to you? Sounds like that's all they have.

 

I would take this whole experience as a giant wake up call for your own life, as it seems it has been for your AP. I don't think he's been lying to you. I think these men can be very "in the moment" and they say what they believe they feel at the time without any thought to reality. I also don't doubt for a second he is going to come back at some point. I think a lot of APs are there to make the marriage more bearable - although they won't of course be led to believe that!

 

My advice: don't fall for it when he comes back to you. IF his marriage is really THAT terrible, and he really WANTS to get out, then he needs to do that on his own steam without using you as a soft landing. I would say to him (your decision to work on your own marriage pending) that if he comes to you with signed divorce papers in hand and is ready and willing to start a proper bona fide relationship with you, then you are all in. But otherwise, don't waste your time.

 

OP, you sound like a sensible, strong woman. I have no doubt you have enough self respect to set your boundaries in stone.

[BTDT2012]

I married him because he's a great loving man and provided me with much security, which is what i thought i wanted.

 

 

Does you husband know this is how you feel about him? You don't really have anything to be angry about, since you are married yourself. I think your MM was rewriting some marital history.

[DKT3]

I don't think you realize how progressive some counselors are. If he found one, it wouldn't be too far off to believe this, especially if the counselor does not have relationship expertise.

 

Definitely outside of the scope of traditional counseling though. We don't know, we weren't there. Never say never!

 

They have a code of ethics, so I'm pretty confident in saying that isnt what was said, not in that context.

[heartwhole2]

Regarding your feelings for your husband, the deceptive thing about affairs is that in a normal, monogamous relationship, we are simply deciding whether a relationship with a person meets our needs and provides what we're looking for. We don't think, "But what if got to marry Prince William? What if I got to marry George Clooney?" We're not comparing our partner to some other potential spouse. There are definitely more intellectual people, more attractive people, more fun-loving people out there. But the bond we create with the person we marry is so much more than conversational styles or personality traits or hobbies. We choose them because we fit together, and because we choose to fit ourselves together.

 

When you're in an affair, you automatically play up the good qualities of the AP. For one thing, you two are mirroring what you like about yourselves to each other. For another, you have a part-time relationship devoid of real-life stressors. You're also motivated by a desire to procure what you can't have. This makes the connection feel out of this world . . . indeed, it's not of the real world.

 

All this is to say that trying on another partner secretly while you are married is neither wise nor fair. Your judgment is likely to be extremely clouded; the minuscule number of affairs that turn into long-term, happy relationships is evidence of this. It's not that you were married to the wrong guy, Mr. Dependable, and then Mr. Soul Mate came along. It's that you found someone as lost and self-indulgent as you are to distract you from your real life problems. You could have put that energy into working on your real life problems, and you'd have been a lot better off.

 

No one can force you to work on your marriage. If you don't want to be married, you are free to walk away. But I suspect, given the rather insignificant list of grievances you have against your husband, that you started out with an urge to cheat and you filled in the "this is why this relationship is better than my marriage" part later. If you can't have deep, intellectual conversations with your husband, there are plenty of friends to do that with.

 

The puzzling that people are doing over MM's therapist . . . that is precisely what I meant when I said that BW may keep digging. He will be telling her things (how would he explain your closeness other than to say that you're probably into him but of course he doesn't reciprocate?) and she will be satisfied momentarily and then she will think, "But why would you spend all night talking to some weirdo you don't even like? Why did so and so say you guys have lunch together all the time? How come you never talk about her?" And his explanations will become more and more contradictory and ridiculous.

 

From your end, you are doing that too. If he said X, how could he walk away so easily? On some level, for him the affair may have been like a child acting up to get its parent's attention. He may not even have realized it, but obviously it seems now that he always wanted to give his marriage a real shot. He just didn't think getting sober or being honest should be required of him. I don't find it surprising that such a man would give mixed messages to the woman he's cheating on his wife with.

[anika99]

I don't think you realize how progressive some counselors are. If he found one, it wouldn't be too far off to believe this, especially if the counselor does not have relationship expertise.

 

Definitely outside of the scope of traditional counseling though. We don't know, we weren't there. Never say never!

 

Even if the counselor is weirdly pro cheating the bit about the counselor telling the MM to pick who he's most okay with losing, the kids or the OP, sounds off to me. A therapist would never do that. If a client told them that they couldn't divorce because they didn't want to lose their kids, a therapist would most likely advise them that getting divorced doesn't mean they have to lose their kids too and advise them of the various ways they can fight to stay close their kids.

[WB6989]

OP you are going to be getting a lot of "tough love" here - just bear in mind a lot of people have their own axes to grind.

 

I understand where you are coming from in a "meh" marriage. I can't connect to my now former husband either. It's not his fault, nor is it mine. We - literally in fact! - don't speak the same language. I hoped love would conquer all, and it did for quite a while, but it's been very hard and involved a lot of sacrifice on my part, next to none on his. I've got to the point where I'm not willing to live the rest of my life like this. I don't know if you will get there too, but I totally understand how you feel in the marriage with someone you can't connect to. It's incredibly lonely. It's how these things start. I truly believe most APs are not the machiavellian types that they are made out to be but are basically good people who gradually got in over their heads before they realized what was happening to them. I've lost count of the number of OW/OM who said they would NEVER have an affair - until they did. Life is complicated. No judgement here, even as a multiple-times BS.

 

That said - have you tried to talk to him about it? Tell him how you feel? At least give him a chance to try and meet your needs? That might be something you can work on, a focus for you as you move on from this.

 

Whoever this coworker is that ratted you both out, my God, I wish people would stay in their own lanes and not stir up trouble. But, it's been done, and yes, she may come after your H - with what? A pic of someone standing close to you? Sounds like that's all they have.

 

I would take this whole experience as a giant wake up call for your own life, as it seems it has been for your AP. I don't think he's been lying to you. I think these men can be very "in the moment" and they say what they believe they feel at the time without any thought to reality. I also don't doubt for a second he is going to come back at some point. I think a lot of APs are there to make the marriage more bearable - although they won't of course be led to believe that!

 

My advice: don't fall for it when he comes back to you. IF his marriage is really THAT terrible, and he really WANTS to get out, then he needs to do that on his own steam without using you as a soft landing. I would say to him (your decision to work on your own marriage pending) that if he comes to you with signed divorce papers in hand and is ready and willing to start a proper bona fide relationship with you, then you are all in. But otherwise, don't waste your time.

 

OP, you sound like a sensible, strong woman. I have no doubt you have enough self respect to set your boundaries in stone.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words and sound advice . I will set my strict boundaries and wont allow this affair to restart again .

 

As for my husband , when we first got married I used to tell him gently about the things I don’t like , about my needs etc. He would feel so hurt and take everything so personally , often breaking down to tears . He’s a very gentle soul.

Overtime , I stopped voicing anything in fear of his sad response . 8 years together we ‘ve never fought or raised our voice once . Just getting along and pretending everything is ok .

[BaileyB]

the bit about the counselor telling the MM to pick who he's most okay with losing, the kids or the OP, sounds off to me. A therapist would never do that.

 

Therapist or not, I would suggest that most people would not say anything like that.

 

A parent doesn’t have to chose between their children and their relationship partner. It is possible to have both - if the end of a marriage and the beginning of a new relationship is done respectfully and considerately to all involved.

[Zona]

pretending everything is ok .

 

Well obviously everything isn't OK if you felt the need to step outside the marriage.

 

It would be better for you to just divorce him without any fanfare and without him finding out about the affair. If he's a sensitive guy, learning of your affair will just about kill him and leave him broken for the rest of his life and unable to trust anyone. Either way, you need to set this man free so he can find a woman that loves him, imperfections and all.

 

I also doubt what your AP claimed that his therapist told him about the affair being a good thing. Since you weren't there you will never know for sure. A lot of guys who have affairs are conflict avoidant and will tell you what you want to hear.

[PhoenixRising8]

You and I have lived the same plotline – somewhat different details but same basic plotline. Here’s my take on the situation:

 

He wasn’t happy in his marriage but not miserable enough to leave. I think even the most conflict avoidant (and yes, that’s likely exactly what he is) will leave if they are truly miserable. Over the years, the excitement, passion and attention towards each other fades. He feels unloved and unappreciated. Taken for granted. BS likely feels the same way. They go to counselling but it just continues because there’s no real incentive to change because both know the other isn’t really going anywhere. An affair ensues and it is magical, once in a lifetime (yeah right!) and ultimately becomes a wake up call. The BS suddenly feels like she could lose the life that she knows and has settled into. She makes a fuss. He realizes she does actually care. The molehills that grew into mountains no longer seem quite so big. When all is said, he wanted to feel cared for and wanted. She showed him she does. He thinks about what it means to walk away and in typical avoidant fashion, chooses the path of least resistance and that is to stay. He may never be really happy in the marriage but he will be happy enough to stay. Saves him from being the bad guy in front of friends and family. Saves him from dividing assets. Saves him from the unknown future with someone new or alone possibly.

 

I have to say, you sound like you are in a similar position as MM. Not happy but not miserable enough to leave. Is that really fair to your husband? No judgement here because I too had an affair but just the fact that I did made me realize fairly quickly that I shouldn’t be married to xH. My affair ended 3.5 months ago and I have no regret about leaving my marriage. I am in a better place than I was. Please really think about whether you can make your marriage work or if leaving it is best for all. Having an affair to fill the void, IMHO, is not the best course of action.

[mark clemson]

Even if the counselor is weirdly pro cheating the bit about the counselor telling the MM to pick who he's most okay with losing, the kids or the OP, sounds off to me.

 

I agree with this about the wierdly pro-cheating. I do think the therapist is probably anti-this particular marriage tho, and with good reason.

 

 

Due to his unhappiness he has been drinking a lot the last 5-6 years, which is another source of tension in his marriage. He has been seeing his own counsellor the past 5 years about his drinking and unhappy marriage.

 

 

I doubt MM is just making this up - it makes him look weak. And actually he is weak. If he had just bucked up and left his cr*ppy marriage he could he have found some worthy single woman who could probably use a guy like him in her life. Instead he's continue to suffer and now has put OP's marriage (and possibly even job) as well as his own marriage and possibly job at risk.

 

He probably wasn't thinking it through that way, but that's what happened.