This is the end - my OW story

[Bittersweetie]

I read through your posts WB and I have to say I am shocked on how little you write about your husband in all of this, like he is nonexistent. I know right now you are consumed by your AP...and I get it, I was a MW who had an affair. The thing is, it doesn't matter how your marriage is...the fact is, you went outside your marriage, you made the choice to be with a man not your husband. I suspect you continue to think about AP all the time because then you don't have to think about your actions and the consequences of them. It's not an easy thing to face that we made these hurtful choices.

 

You have the opportunity right now to decide how you are going to move forward. I truly believe that it's not the bad decision itself that defines the person...it's how the person acts after the bad decision. So here is your chance to grow and change. I would gently suggest that every time your AP comes in your head, turn your focus. Think about why you thought your actions were okay, what did you tell yourself to justify those actions. Think about what new coping skills you can implement moving forward. Think about your husband, what you want from your marriage, whether it's fair that your husband has been living a lie this last year. Of course, these aren't easy thoughts, but we made our choices, and we need to work through the consequences of them.

 

I know you are heartbroken, I understand, my AP dumped me not once but twice and I still thought he was great. I see now I was so caught up in my own selfish world, I didn't give any thought to my husband or anything else. And that was wrong. You now have the opportunity to decide what kind of person you want to be...think about that and start taking small steps toward that person. Make a list of things to think about and when AP pops in your head, look at the list. Wear a rubber band on your wrist to remind yourself to change your thoughts.

 

You are early in the process but you are not powerless. You had the strength to tell AP not to contact you again, and you have the strength to move forward in a positive and constructive way. Make the choice to do so. Good luck.

[BlindsidedTwice]

I suspect you continue to think about AP all the time because then you don't have to think about your actions and the consequences of them. It's not an easy thing to face that we made these hurtful choices.

 

I second what Bittersweetie has said (here and basically all of her posts!)

 

It’s not an easy thing to face, but it is necessary for moving forward and may actually speed up your recovery... Facing reality bursts that fantasy bubble real quick. Focusing on your husband will help you realign your priorities.

 

All that being said, I’m so sorry you are hurting so badly. I very much understand. Try to find some pride in walking away. What a strong move. As someone who was dumped, I’m a bit envious of your strength there.

[BreakOnThrough]

I know i did the right thing, but why i am so heartbroken

everyday should be getting easier..it's been a month, not a single moment goes by that i don't think about him..and i keep myself so busy...ahh when does it get better???

 

 

It may not until you realize WHY YOU were so attached to him the the first place, the fact is, you were merely projecting a fantasy that wasn't based in any true reality. Feelings aren't real, they are subjective perception, and so was your affair. You need to figure out why you decided to make this turn INSTEAD of being proactive in your true reality, before the affair started. It's as simple as that, and until you do, you will be stuck in limbo, vulnerable.

[Hrgirl915]

No matter the circumstance, losing love is difficult. I’m sure he loves you, as you did him. I think the fear of starting over and the shame of a failed relationship can sometimes be too much for a person to overcome. It’s easier to walk away from a person than from commitments.

 

Perhaps once you grieve this sad loss in your life, you will find new interests to fill your void. Your husband may have shortcomings and that can be difficult to accept. But keep in mind no one is perfect and the next could bring about a different problem. For example, he could be an intellectual equal but not provide financial security.

 

Time is all that can ease your sadness but one day you’ll wake up and this will be a distant memory.

[DKT3]

It seems default is oh he loves you but.....truth is its mostly false.

 

I. A recent study done by Pew research center they found that only 10% of married women progress to sex in affairs while 89% of married men progress to sex in affairs. That stat strongly suggests that the he loves you theory is mostly false. Men and women clearly seek affairs for very different reasons and have very different expectations

 

At the end of the day who loved or didn't love who is irrelevant. Getting hung up on stuff like that only facilitates the Ill fated relationship and keeps one stuck in the what if loop.