This is the end - my OW story

[Beendaredonedat]

I don't understand how a man can go from stating how much he loves me, tells me he thinks about me constantly, to completely NC. Just like that. Back to his life, to his wife.

Well, you're going to go back to your husband and back to your life, No?

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but your story is classic and what usually happens the majority of the time.

 

Going completely NC is how you get to the stage of indifference to someone so he's doing the right thing. You were ending it on August 12th anyway (if you didn't get your 'wish') You might have to change jobs now if you want to heal from your choice(s) and get back on track with your husband. You might also consider your own therapy to help you figure out why you allowed this for yourself.

 

FWIW... I don't think his marriage is all that bad or he would have left it. Either that or he and she are so codependent that dynamite wouldn't get them to part ways.

 

Good luck going forth.

Edited August 20, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[OpenBook]

As for my husband , when we first got married I used to tell him gently about the things I don’t like , about my needs etc. He would feel so hurt and take everything so personally , often breaking down to tears . He’s a very gentle soul.

Overtime , I stopped voicing anything in fear of his sad response . 8 years together we ‘ve never fought or raised our voice once . Just getting along and pretending everything is ok .

 

Get thee into marriage counseling with your H, stat! This is bad bad bad - the not communicating. I bet you have no idea if he's happy with your M or not! It's like you're both doing the tango with each other, with both sets of eyes shut tight. Open a channel! It will also help you take stock of your life, and make the best decision on moving forward through the rest of it.

 

First order of business - tend the home front.

[heartwhole2]

Thank you so much for your kind words and sound advice . I will set my strict boundaries and wont allow this affair to restart again .

 

As for my husband , when we first got married I used to tell him gently about the things I don’t like , about my needs etc. He would feel so hurt and take everything so personally , often breaking down to tears . He’s a very gentle soul.

Overtime , I stopped voicing anything in fear of his sad response . 8 years together we ‘ve never fought or raised our voice once . Just getting along and pretending everything is ok .

 

This is partly conflict avoidance and partly just plain dysfunction. You don't stop speaking the truth to your children just because they cry when you do. You help them develop the coping mechanisms for the tough stuff. The same goes for the adults in your life. Either his crying is just how he releases hard emotions and it's part and parcel of communication with him, or he needs to do some serious work on his resilience. Regardless, communication is something you keep working on when you are married. It will take a lot of practice and you will have hurt feelings sometimes, but honesty is a must in a marriage. Your husband isn't a mind reader and he probably doesn't realize that you are editing yourself to avoid hurting his feelings. Look up Nonviolent Communication for inspiration on how things can be between you two.

 

Unfortunately, your ability to focus on your marriage and improve your communication is now clouded by your grief over losing your secret affair. You may not be able to develop true intimacy in your marriage at this point. So when we're discussing your marriage you may want to put that in the "if I ever give this an honest try" box and not focus on it too much right now. The main idea is that we do a lot of wrong things when we tell ourselves that the right thing is impossible, and now you are trying to recover from those wrong things and have them impact your life going forward as little as possible. That may be easier said than done.

[SS2855]

I’m so sorry with what your going through- my story has many similarities between your and Dazeys. I too work with my AP and share much of what you’ve described with him. I think what’s so hard is the closeness that’s shared and like a snap of a finger it’s like it all never happened or meant as much to them as you had thought. It’s comforting albeit sad reading these posts because of anything I’ve realized how similar these things start and end. It always feels unique until you see from others your story starts to resemble there’s. Sending much love and support.

[Beentheretoooften]

 

Also, this story is nothing more than a typical cheating married women

[Mrs._December]

 

Then to my utter shock, he said he has decided to try to fix his marriage.

Just like that, months of months of telling me how much he loves me, trying to leave his marriage, now he tells me he wants to fix his marriage. He said this whole experience made him realize he's not ready to leave his life as he knew it. his wife want to try to make things better, and he said he sees hope for the first time that things could be better. He thinks they haven't really tried at all during their entire marriage ( even though they went to counselling many times). I was, I am devastated.

Go read the infidelity message forums. Pretty much NONE of them leave their wives. Every great now and then one does, but in some cases, that escaped husband will spend all his spare time trying to weasel his way BACK into the marital home unbeknownst to the OW (a/k/a 'soul mate') for whom he left his wife in the first place.

 

You can't trust these self-entitled liars at all. Everything they DO is for their own benefit even though they pretend to be martyrs 'staying for the children.' LOL. Sure.

 

We've gone NC for 5 days now. It's been extremely difficult. I don't understand how a man can go from stating how much he loves me, tells me he thinks about me constantly, to completely NC. Just like that. Back to his life, to his wife.

That's pretty typical for cheaters. As I said, they're always going to do whatever it is that benefits themselves the most. And that's what he's doing.

[LIRR88]

I have to say, you sound like you are in a similar position as MM. Not happy but not miserable enough to leave. Is that really fair to your husband? No judgement here because I too had an affair but just the fact that I did made me realize fairly quickly that I shouldn’t be married to xH. My affair ended 3.5 months ago and I have no regret about leaving my marriage. I am in a better place than I was. Please really think about whether you can make your marriage work or if leaving it is best for all. Having an affair to fill the void, IMHO, is not the best course of action.

 

You nailed it. It all comes down to fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. I’m guilty of staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of my kids, I don’t want to wake up one day and regret everything.

Edited September 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[WB6989]

Just wanted to update

 

NC has been painful but getting 1% easier every day.

 

after 14 days of NC, MM called me at work. Basically to catch up on what's being happening in his life and wish me a happy birthday ( a few days ahead of my birthday). There's been a lot of turmoil in his life because of Dday, very up and down with his wife. But he also said they're going through MC, and he sees hope they're gonna work through things and make things better. Honestly I think he just called to make sure i'm still hanging around in case his marriage doesn't work.

 

This is clearly not going anywhere right? Next time he calls at work, I should just not pick up right? Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Maddie82]

Honestly, MM say the same things, 'not connecting with the wife, we don't get on, she treats me bad' etc. It's all a script. They never leave their families. They say they will just to keep the OW invested. I honestly laughed when you called him 'poor guy'. The man is a cheater and got caught out. Also that line where his Councillor 'congratulated' him on his affair is total bs. He made that up. And the question of what's more important, you or his kids, and he chose you is also bs. No parent would ever chose anyone over their children. They always come first. I feel that he had been feeding you nothing but lies. Focus on your marriage because you have a good guy there.

[S2B]

Don’t communicate with him at all. In fact tell him to stop calling or you’ll file a restraining order. See how he likes that.

 

Take your power back - take charge.

 

He only calls to check if you will go for a romp with him.

 

Shut it down - you will feel better faster that way.

[HappyAgain2014]

I doubt anyone sent a picture to his wife. He ran out of time and needed a way to end the affair. Never underestimate how selfish and manipulative a cheater acts.

 

You need to focus on your marriage instead of wondering how to react to xMM. His actions are all about having the upper hand. He only gets that if you react.

[elaine567]

He called a few days ahead of your birthday hoping he could worm his way back into seeing you around your birthday... a little card, a little gift, a little bit of "comfort"... he was testing the waters...

[elaine567]

I doubt anyone sent a picture to his wife. He ran out of time and needed a way to end the affair. Never underestimate how selfish and manipulative a cheater acts.

 

I agree.

A very convenient excuse...

BUT who can blame him really?

He in the shape of an OW, got a soulmate and a sex buddy.

That was a plus.

He didn't want to blow up his marriage, why would he?

He wanted to, and no doubt still wants to, keep the nice little arrangement he had before WB6989 decided it wasn't enough for her, and she wanted 100% of him.

[jah526]

Mine was more honest with me than most MM are with their OWs, so I think I got quite a bit of insight into how these guys work. The OW ends up really confused and hurt when the MM snaps off his feelings suddenly. We want to believe that he feels the same as we do, and what reason is there not to, when that is what he’s saying. But I think that’s where the difference is. Mine told me he didn’t want to involve emotion too much because he already had enough of that at home. I think emotion ranks a lot lower on the scale of needs for men than it does for women, whereas sex ranks somewhere near the top for men. It is really difficult to accept that disconnect for an OW, because we all want to believe the other person is like us. Social standing is another thing that ranks high for men, I believe, so leaving a marriage and children is not only painful but also a blow to their egos in the form of loss of social standing and status as a provider. So, given all this, in the cost-benefit analysis from the MM’s perspective, the affair is the smaller loss.

[Arikel]

Jah526, you’ve hit the nail on the head

[WB6989]

AP called again.... this is the second time after DDay( mid August).

1st time 2 weeks ago, now again. He called from a private number. He said he regrets his decision to stay and reconcile with his wife, how he realized he's never going to be happy with her , etc. I told him not to call me again...only makes it harder to move on. i'm so sad...but I believe i did the right thing....doesn't matter what he says, his actions are still the same.

 

Any word of encouragement are much appreciated.

[S2B]

Here’s encouragement...

 

Notice he never said he filed for divorce? Ya - he is a liar!

 

Don’t fall for it! Good for you telling him to not call!

 

You deserve a man who makes ONLY you his TOP priority!!! It’s not him!

[Maddie82]

You did the right thing telling him not to call you again. I've seen so many posts on here from women who are seeing married men and they all say the same thing. Stay strong.

[PhoenixRising8]

Yup, what S2B and Maddie said. Mine came back after 3 weeks with the same song and dance but hadn’t file or even moved out. Six weeks later it was done. Very clear he wanted both. Don’t fall for it. You’ll save yourself some grief in the meantime.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Cue the violins - he's never going to be happy with her. Riiiight.

 

Don't believe him for one second OP. They talk out of both sides of their mouth. All he's doing is trying to reel you back in. If you did go back (good gravy I hope you don't), you would be jumping right back into the affair. Then he'll start to come up with the standard MM excuses as to why he can't leave 'now'.

 

This is just a setback. Kudos to you for staying strong!

[mark clemson]

I told him not to call me again...only makes it harder to move on. i'm so sad...but I believe i did the right thing....doesn't matter what he says, his actions are still the same.

 

Any word of encouragement are much appreciated.

 

Agree - a wise maneuver. The consensus around here is it's rare they actually leave (practical considerations overcome sentiment) and IF they do, they're likely to play the field rather than going to you. Chances would be quite low.

 

His marriage should stand or fall on its own.

[WB6989]

I know i did the right thing, but why i am so heartbroken

everyday should be getting easier..it's been a month, not a single moment goes by that i don't think about him..and i keep myself so busy...ahh when does it get better???

[mark clemson]

Ah, it sounds like you may have limerence for him, unfortunately. Research this if you haven't already. It's involuntary and may last several months.

 

My belief is that if you can make it truly impossible to be in touch with him, that will help it go away faster. However, that is easier said than done - it's hard to fool your own brain on something like this.

 

If that's not possible, I assume you've seen the advice on socializing, time in nature, exercise, etc in various threads. Suggest you look up one of those threads and implement as much of that as you reasonably can. All that stuff just make limerence a bit more tolerable, though, it doesn't make it go away. Making it go away will take waiting it out.

[S2B]

It gets better when you end it for good! That allows YOU to move forward instead of looking back to see if he’s still there.

[WB6989]

it has ended for good..the problem is we work together..we've moved our schedule around to cross path as little as possible, but it's impossible not to . ahhhh. and changing jobs is NOT an option. gosh i just need to get over this