Onwards13 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Spouse cheated with a married woman. Do I tell her husband? Yes? No? Why? Personal experience stories most welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Veryunlucky Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Do not tell the other woman’s husband. There is no need. Your issue is with your husband period. Keep it between yourselves. Take the high road, have some dignity and respect for yourself. You know it could possibly hurt him very much. Why hurt another person you don’t even know. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 No don't tell him. Focus on leaving this behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onwards13 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Share Posted August 21, 2019 Let me pose the question another way - if your spouse was cheating on you, and someone knew - would you want to be told ? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I certainly would want to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 The problem with telling husbands is the potential for violence. Telling wives -> she collapses into a sobbing heap or kicks him out. Telling husbands can be more dangerous. Mild mannered guys can turn into psychos... As you do not know who you are dealing with and what he is capable of, then best to keep schtum IMO. Also husbands tend to leave cheating wives so if there are kids involved, they will pay the price and that isn't fair. Spend your time sorting out your own husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 (edited) Yes, he has a right to know who he is really married to, this may not be her first rodeo. They lie about using protection, he is at risk. There is less chance of the affair continuing and going underground when the other betrayed spouse is made aware. The threat of violence didn't stop her from sleeping with your husband and being caught and exposed is a consequence of being a cheater, sneak and a homewrecker. Keeping their affair secret makes you an accomplice in the other betrayed spouses betrayal. Unless he is dying with only weeks to live he deserves to know the truth so he can make decisions about his own future, it's the right thing to do. That is how I found out about my ex's two year affair and that I was raising the other man's son. I would still be stuck with a cheater. I am thankful every day that someone cared enough to tell me the truth. Edited August 21, 2019 by aliveagain 6 Link to post Share on other sites
NomiMalone Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I’d definitely want to know. I couldn’t care less how I found out - even if from the OW themselves. However I’d also understand if someone knew and couldn’t bring themselves to bring it up with me, or felt more comfortable letting me know anonymously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Absolutely, please see my reply to you in the Divorce and Separation blog. It is the right thing to do. That is how I found out about my cheating ex, someone cared enough to tell me otherwise I would still be stuck with a lying, cheating poor excuse for a woman and I would still be raising the other mans son believing him to be mine.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I agree with @aliveagain. Also, if you want to try to save your marriage, having the other spouse know is another safeguard in place to keep the two of them away from each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Well asked, l would want to know, regardless of the circumstances, duration or who it was with. To be married to a cheater who was disrespectful to the marriage, as well as putting the family at risk, I would have to know. How it is divulged wouldn’t be a issue, regardless of the pain, I ultimately would be grateful to the person passing on the information. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Yes please it will help to stop the affair continuing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LauraXX Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Yes, of course I'd want to know! However, I'd only want to know if the person who told me was 100% certain. I wouldn't want anybody to plant ideas in my head that might not be true at all. E.g. if my partner told somebody that he's having in affair, I'd hope that the person would have the balls to tell me. If a friend saw my partner in a restaurant talking to an attractive woman - please keep it to yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I would. My emotional, mental and physical health could all be impacted if my spouse was having an affair. It could also disrupt my family, so I would need to know so I could protect it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Let me pose the question another way - if your spouse was cheating on you, and someone knew - would you want to be told ? You bet I would. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I'm not sure why he should be the only one among the four of you who doesn't know about the most important situation his marriage has ever faced. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 It's not your job to become a coconspirator to their affair. Very often helping hide an affair just enables it further. Just because you know doesn't mean they'll stop. Cheaters lie a lot. If you were in his shoes would you want to be living a lie? Plus he probably sees the affects but doesn't know why. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Would you want to know if your partner was cheating? I'm struggling to come up with valid reasons why you wouldn't want to know? Even if it wasn't a dealbreaker (trophy/kept spouse), knowledge is power... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I wouldn't want to know. The infidelity would likely pass and we'd continue in our journey together. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I'd want to know so I can pack, make an appointment to be tested for STDs and then make an appointment with a lawyer and then make a hotel reservation or plan to stay with someone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Yes, I'd want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I'd want to know. Either I'd want to join in (not likely these days) or I'd want time to plan my wrath upon the cheater and her partner(s). Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 No, it's best to stay out of it no matter how much you may want to tell them. The truth will come out eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 It depends. If I was in a short term relationship, I would like to know so I could ditch the loser and go find another man. If I was in a abusive relationship yes probably too. The more reasons I have for leaving the more chance I will gain the strength to leave. Where it gets harder is when it is more difficult or almost impossible to leave and in that case probably not. Better to remain happy and trusting with self esteem intact, than spend years in hell as a BS, waiting, watching, always on edge; disappointed, hurt, panic stricken and heart broken... Yes he may leave anyway, but better to face that if it happens... Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Yes, I would want to know. I wish someone would have told me on my xH first OW.... vs having to go through at least 9 before learning that he is a cheating scumbag. My health was at risk (STDs). Time was wasted. Major life changing decisions were made that would have been different. Absolutely, 100%... I would want to know. And 100% I would have liked to have known decades ago. Link to post Share on other sites
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