Do I tell the other woman’s husband?

[beatcuff]

I'm struggling to come up with valid reasons why you wouldn't want to know?...

of course we THINK we want to know but the reality is we set up our life not too. we all lie to 'protect' a persons feelings, how many persons refuse to go to the dentist? doctor? therapy? why? because then we would have to confront a difficult situation. similarly isn't [many] religion based on a 'reward' at the end if we just 'stick it out/don't make waves'. and what about living within your means (credit cards)?

 

i would want to know but truthfully my life is good now AND at this stage restarting (50+) would be such a monumental undertaking, i could see me preferring to use that energy on my children and grandchildren (not yet) than rebuilding. fine i am living a lie, but we already do that. i am guessing there are more of me: if i don't see then it didn't happen, then those that spend time and effort 'verifying' their partners EVERY action.

 

BTW (about my rebuilding comment) in my various social groups we just had a couple break up (20+ years of marriage) we all saw it coming (there are others) but still shocked it did. waiting to see how they (really he) ends up.

[somanymistakes]

It's not your responsibility to tell, but it's also definitely not your job to keep their little secret.

 

Do what you think is right and safe, and don't push the issue if the other spouse doesn't want to hear it.

[Rayce]

It would of been my 1st phone call.

[anika99]

I wouldn't want to know. The infidelity would likely pass and we'd continue in our journey together.

 

That's only one possible outcome. Other possible outcomes are that you wind up with a lifetime STD or your wife ends up pregnant and you wind up raising and supporting a child that not yours. Another possible outcome is that your wife announces that she's leaving you and after she walks out the door to run away with another man, your left crying in your beer and lamenting how you wish you had known what was going on in your marriage so you could have had the opportunity to fight for it.

 

I'm one who believes that problems need to be faced in order to overcome them. If I were sick with something I didn't know I had how could I treat my illness if everyone who knows about it is keeping it a secret from me. People aren't happy to learn that their spouse is cheating just like they aren't happy with receiving any bad news but they need to hear the bad news in order to fix the problem.

[mark clemson]

I think there are a lot of variables that might impact a decision. Each situation is a little different. One big factor is your own personal philosophy on such matters. But there also can be significant practical considerations. For example:

 

- The BH is a dangerous person who might harm your WH or the WW.

- The BH is your WH's boss or otherwise in a position of authority and might fire them (who wants to go through reconciliation AND dealing with a layoff, or divorce when the WH has no income?)

- The BH is an important figure in your religious community. When your WH gets "shunned" or similar, you get to go along for the ride.

- You live in an "alienation of affection" state where your WH can get sued for extensive damages by the BH (thus impacting you financially)

- You want to reconcile, but you suspect your WH might divorce you if you tell the BH

 

So, not always cut and dried. I suspect many of these are corner cases in the scheme of things. That said, I also suspect that there are at least a few BW's out there whose understandable but hasty actions to tell without thinking things through first turned out to be a big mistake. I would bet my bottom dollar that there are BWs out there who told and it ended with their WH getting murdered by the BH.

[anika99]

of course we THINK we want to know but the reality is we set up our life not too. we all lie to 'protect' a persons feelings, how many persons refuse to go to the dentist? doctor? therapy? why? because then we would have to confront a difficult situation. similarly isn't [many] religion based on a 'reward' at the end if we just 'stick it out/don't make waves'. and what about living within your means (credit cards)

.

 

You say that as if ignoring all those things won't eventually catch up to us and become so much worse in the end because we didn't address our problems while they were still fixable. Speaking as a person who has an extreme phobia of dentists I can attest to the fact that dental problems don't fix themselves. If left unattended they just fester and get worse. When I eventually had to get a couple of molars extracted you better believe I regretted not going in for regular checkups, cleanings and possible fillings. If I had faced my problem I could have saved those teeth.

 

Marital issues can be treated the same. Sure you can stick your head in the sand and try to focus on other things but if your spouse eventually leaves you for the other person then you are going to wish you had done something to either save the marriage or prepare yourself for becoming single.

[Mr. Lucky]

but if your spouse eventually leaves you for the other person then you are going to wish you had done something to either save the marriage or prepare yourself for becoming single.

 

Agreed. If beatcuff's life is 'good', it's because he's been proactive about making it so. He didn't ignore his kids, avoid preparing himself financially or disregard taking care of his health.

 

You'd want the opportunity to similarly address infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

OP, if you have audio/video evidence of your spouse admitting to the affair and naming the person and sharing details about the person which may not be publicly known, send that evidence to their spouse. Same with written evidence.

 

Here's the thing - people lie. We all do. People justify their lies and categorize lies by their own standards of what lies are OK and what aren't. They do it since being children. If the betrayed spouse in this scenario knows you, OP, has a relationship with you and trusts you, perhaps telling is enough. If you are an unknown, generally people ignore/distrust unknowns and favor of those they love and trust. This is especially true with men who are programmed to protect and serve women. They intrinsically believe women, especially women they've laid down with, stuck their penis in and whispered those loving nothings to. Women know this and know how to manipulate men with this tool. A wife who cheats and who lies is generally excellent at doing both and she knows all the hot buttons to manipulate her husband.

 

Evidence, especially if including details which are incontrovertible, is hard to manipulate. Sure, they'll try, and some are very good at it, watch a lawyer in a courtroom any time to see, but usually the evidence trumps the mindgame in the realm of the personal.

 

I've seen all sides of this and done everything from sending evidence to a spouse to introducing spouse and affair partner. In the end, IMO just find your peace and move on in life. All this stuff will then slide into the past and new and more positive life experiences will take their place.

[Onwards13]

I've seen all sides of this and done everything from sending evidence to a spouse to introducing spouse and affair partner. In the end, IMO just find your peace and move on in life. All this stuff will then slide into the past and new and more positive life experiences will take their place.

 

I’m so curious / what happened after you told / sent evidence to the spouse ?

Edited August 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Amethyst68]

OP, tell the OBS, after all you'd want them to tell you. In fact I suspect you'd be posting here extremely indignantly if you found out they have known for some time but kept you ignorant of the fact.

 

I'm always curious how many of the 'No' votes are from past/present cheaters. There does seem to be quite a high correlation

 

As for the possibility of violence, it never fails to astound me how the OBS isn't sufficiently threatening to stop someone from cheating, having sex with their spouse (often their own homes and or vehicles) but god forbid someone suggest somebody do the decent thing and suddenly there's violence everywhere to be seen. Yes I'm being sarcastic, no it doesn't make it any true!

[mark clemson]

I'm not quite sure of your point regarding violence, but I assume it was in response to my post.

 

I live in the US. We have over 400 M people running around, many of them armed. On any given week there are multiple murders, sometimes, unfortunately, over things as trivial as parking spaces and botched fast food orders. So, yes, you can bet there are people getting killed over things as emotionally charged as betrayals.

 

In fact, romantic issues are among the top causes/motives for murder. This can be verified with just a little internet research. I assume romantic issues covers a wide range of things, with affairs being just one sub-segment. Here's an example article:

https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-top-motives-for-murder

 

I don't think and did not mean that telling makes your risk of you or your WS getting killed extremely high. I'd guess it's under 1%. There is definitely a risk, though. To be fair there is also a risk of dying when you drive on a freeway.

 

If your point is that there is a risk of harm due to the affair continuing (beyond the emotional and/or other harm already done), I think that is true as well. For example there is a risk that the WS will become so smitten and deluded with the AP that they kill their BS. No doubt this happens too occasionally, and just as telling might trigger the OBS to violence in some cases, it might also prevent YWS from killing you to "get you out of the way" in some cases as well. So, that is fair.

[Amethyst68]

Marc I wasn't actually aware you had posted, I saw a post I think by Elaine but I'm not 100% certain.

 

I'm not arguing the risk of violence exists but no-one has ever been able to explain to me why that suddenly matters after the affair becomes known to one BS. The threat of violence was always there but was acceptable to the WS when they were having their fun and the thrill of affair. Along comes accountability and suddenly the WS is scared of getting beaten up because of the uncontrollable temper, well no that's where my logical mind goes if were so concerned about their temper they wouldn't have been cheating with their spouse.

 

I don't know if I'm explaining myself at all well but I can't help but see it as another (sometimes extreme) manipulation of the BS when they are often at their most vulnerable.

[preraph]

I think anyone has a right to know their spouse is cheating. Some of them may have justifications or both be doing it, but so what. If you want to protect her from any potential violence, you could tell her you're going to tell him ahead of time so she can do whatever she wants about protecting herself. Not sure how you get ahold of him, though, without her intervening in either case.

[mark clemson]

Yes, you have a point Amethyst and I agree. If the WS was thinking straight really they wouldn't have had an affair to begin with. Esp. for a WH, the risk of BH violence would be one factor, along with the much more probable risk of divorce, etc.

 

So yes...

[carhill]

I’m so curious / what happened after you told / sent evidence to the spouse ?

He threatened to kill me, and as ranchers with plenty of guns, we both had the means to start a pretty good war. In reality though, his wife wasn't diddling me, rather her married boss and business owner at her job. I was just a patsy. That's reality. People lie like a rug. I was amazed at what a pro a 22yo mother of two was at it. The evidence was her love letters and cards, the originals. I kept copies. This was long before the internet.

 

 

My focus on evidence is mainly that people, evil people, will lie and manipulate to damage other people they don't like or simply get a thrill out of hurting/damaging/killing/whatever. Humans can be a pretty nasty bunch. Most married people of any adult age are familiar with psy-ops attacks on their marriages. A purported affair can be a potent psy-op. Hearsay, innuendo and gossip can destroy families, businesses, careers, lives. Some people love to do that to others. We know that. Trust, but verify.

[Amethyst68]

OP, another reason for telling the OBS is the affair often doesn't stop when first discovered. In fact it goes deeper underground. By telling the OBS and bringing the affair into the light it makes any remaining secrecy e.g.continuing contact, harder to maintain.

[oldtruck]

For decades I have read countless threads of should I tell

the OBS.

 

Countless reasons supporting exposing the affair.

 

Countless BS upset at the news but in the end being glad

to know that their WS was abusing them and armed with the

truth they were able to protect themselves with the truth.

 

I have never read a thread where the BS killed the WS or the AP

on any of these forums from telling or learning the truth.

 

Rather thankful in the end that they were told the truth.

 

Exposure is needed to kill and affair and keep it dead so it does

not restart again. Too many times an affair lasts for years till

it just stops and the AP's go their separate ways. Then restarts

again.

 

The BS needs the truth to bring the affair to a swift end, prevent

it from restarting, or just learn that a deal breaker has happened

that they need to file for divorce.

[oldtruck]

He threatened to kill me, and as ranchers with plenty of guns, we both had the means to start a pretty good war. In reality though, his wife wasn't diddling me, rather her married boss and business owner at her job. I was just a patsy. That's reality. People lie like a rug. I was amazed at what a pro a 22yo mother of two was at it. The evidence was her love letters and cards, the originals. I kept copies. This was long before the internet.

 

So carhill, how did you get this BH to believe you were not the OM?

How did he find out who the OM was?

What did this BH do once he had the truth?

[beatcuff]

You say that as if ignoring all those things won't eventually catch up to us and become so much worse in the end because we didn't address our problems while they were still fixable. Marital issues can be treated the same. Sure you can stick your head in the sand and try to focus on other things but if your spouse eventually leaves you for the other person then you are going to wish you had done something to either save the marriage or prepare yourself for becoming single.

all true but the question was "why wouldn't you want to know". knowledge is power, but with that is responsibility:

- so if i don't know and WS thinks i don't then life goes on. maybe there is regret and never happens again, maybe it continues but life is otherwise good. we all live lies and while this is big, its not for me because i don't know.

- if I do and WS knows i know then well --- if i don't do something its either a green light for it to continue and the WS loses respect for me OR the M fails because the A was their last attempt to get you notice there is a problem.

 

but you already know way before the A starts: its odd after a couple years of M we forget what got us them ---- attention... communication (especially non-verbal), the way they interact with us --- on date nights. its easy --- go to a bar and people watch. the other day i saw two couples both on the young side... 1 - i am positive it was a tinder/first date. they sat next to and facing each other, chatting, he touching her but slowly she started to lean BACK then turned towards the bar then looking at the cell... 2 - they must have been dating a while. they wore the same style clothes (both had flip flops) while they chatted they would lean IN. she was 'handsy' but he did as well.

[carhill]

So carhill, how did you get this BH to believe you were not the OM?

Didn't matter to me so didn't try. My goal was notify and end contact. That was successful, for 18 years or so anyway.

How did he find out who the OM was?

WS told him

What did this BH do once he had the truth?

Got WS pregnant and she quit her job and they were married another 17 years or so after that pregnancy/child. No proof but she reported affairs on both sides during that period. She met another, different MM at that point and that affair, an exit affair, resulted in divorces for both and they're still together to this day, now closing in on 20 years. I knew the second MM's family so could verify those particulars. I observed his family's interaction with her in the early years and it was strained, though I believe got better over time. He had two minor children at the time, she one. Her daughter was an adult and married at the point BH and WS divorced. So, the result in that anecdote was that disclosure and 'evidence' resulted in another child and a continued marriage for nearly two decades after. Results vary widely!

[preraph]

You could always just do it anonymously through snail mail. But be sure you know the guy isn't violent. He might beat both of you up.

[MysteryLuvsCompany8]

Don't tell the OW's husband. Your issue is with your husband. The situation could go from bad to worse if you involved that's womans' husband.

[Buffer]

Sorry but I disagree with MLC8

 

The other partners spouse has a right to know what could or is going on as it has a flow on effect oh their relationship, health and extended family.

 

This is just me, but I would want to know!

[S2B]

 

Let me pose the question another way - if your spouse was cheating on you, and someone knew - would you want to be told ?

 

Only if they have evidence.

[oldtruck]

You could always just do it anonymously through snail mail. But be sure you know the guy isn't violent. He might beat both of you up.

 

Anonymously does not work.

It makes it too easy for the WS to gaslight the BS.

 

A BH is not going to beat up the OMW because she did the

right thing by exposing the affair. He may want to keep

living in denial. Though to live in denial is his choice. Though

once he hears the truth it gets him to realize all the red flags that

he has been ignoring and realize that those feeling in his gut

that he has been suppressing were right.