Do I tell the other woman’s husband?

[pepperbird]

 

Therefore we could just as easily argue that the BS is in danger by not knowing. Even if the OW in this particular situation isn't planning to murder her husband she could be plotting against him in other ways.

 

Causing harm doesn't have to be physical.

 

 

I once visited a website for cheating spouses, and many were quite gleeful about how they were using money earned by the BH or BW to fund the affair ( e.g.- paying for meals, hotels, etc.) . There was also advice about how to hide money from the BS. It was like watching a bunch of little kids getting excited about how they were sneaking around.

 

Add to this the risk to a BS's mental health from gas lighting and other abuse that often goes hand in hand with being a BS, and the situation can become quiet toxic. Knowing the full extent of what's going on gives a BS the power to make informed decisions about his or her life.

 

As an aside, I find it interesting how some see disclosing an affair as worse than the affair itself. To me, that's upside down thinking.

[mark clemson]

These are good points. It is unfortunate for some people (and totally not their fault) that they married sociopaths or people who have a psychological need for an "authority figure" (now the spouse) against whom to "get away with stuff" for a probably-not-so-cheap thrill.

[seren]

My H told me about the affair he had just ended, I thought long and hard about telling the OBS. I knew from the OW that her husband was violent, I asked around about him and found out that he was likely to beat her up if he found out. I also, selfishly, didn’t need anymore drama in my life. As it was, someone else told him before I had the chance to, part of my job back then was working with domestic abuse and women’s shelters, OW approached me for help. I did help her move into a shelter.

 

I always felt that I should have told the OBS, when the OW began her prolonged intrusion into my life I decided to have a talk to her. It became obvious that their marriage was abusive from both sides, no one deserves abuse, I just felt I was being sucked into a life I certainly didn’t want any part of. I went to their home, by now she had moved back in, told them both to sort themselves out and to leave me and mine out of it.

 

OW decided to send me txt messages between she and my H, letters and a couple of photographs. I burned them without reading them. I would ask if anyone is going to inform the BS that they think very carefully about what they send. I have heard some very cruel stories IRL about women getting their children ready for school, checking the mail and opening an envelope full of sex texts, photos and the like and falling apart. If anyone is going to disclose and I think the time to disclose is at the beginning, not at the end when revenge drives a lot of actions, do it gently. The BS very often hasn’t a clue there is an affair, it’s not that we are stupid, it’s because our husband our wife is still loving, affectionate and gaslights the hell out of us. We love, like and lust after our spouse, we believe they are working late or whatever. So, when DDay happens or when someone tells us, we are in a state of shock, after that comes such anger, be prepared for lots of anger.

 

Don’t disclose unless you are prepared for questions you are prepared to answer. I would answer on the understanding it’s a one off. Then move on. Affairs are so destructive for everyone involved. It’s been 10 years since my H told me, the OW was still stalking me 6 years afterwards, I just didn’t respond to her histrionics.

[pepperbird]

I would answer on the understanding it’s a one off. Then move on. Affairs are so destructive for everyone involved. It’s been 10 years since my H told me, the OW was still stalking me 6 years afterwards, I just didn’t respond to her histrionics.

 

 

I'm another person who ended up becoming the object of the ow's attention.

 

If you are an ow/om or someone else who is disclosing an affair, keep in mind that the BS who will be told is likely just an average ordinary person who doesn't deserve to have their world turned upside down, but that's what's going to happen. I'm in favour of telling, but doing so as kindly and gently as possible.

[Starswillshine]

I'm another person who ended up becoming the object of the ow's attention.

 

.

 

Seems like a club. I was as well. The non-stop stalking. The many phone numbers I have blocked, the countless facebook, instagram, emails, Twitter, etc that i had to block.

 

My phone became a source of panic attacks at times because i didnt know what i would see when it dinged.

 

I have divorced and she still contacts me. I dont understand it.

[schlumpy]

I have divorced and she still contacts me. I dont understand it.

 

One of the bridge crew in the famous anime series "Robotech" asked Captain Gloval why the enemy was forcing a personal confrontation with one of their pilots: Max Sterling

 

His Reply ' I don't know. Who can understand the mind of a combat pilot?"

[Maddie82]

Telling the husband wont make you feel any better and it's not your place to either. You only want to tell him out of vengeance.

[Onwards13]

Telling the husband wont make you feel any better and it's not your place to either. You only want to tell him out of vengeance.

 

Personally, I think it will feel great

[Maddie82]

Personally, I think it will feel great

 

You want to hurt an innocent person for a brief feel good moment? Why? What do you think that will achieve? I'll tell you what it'll achieve, nothing! That's very bitter and quite frankly very nasty. It will make you feel even worse in the long run.

[oldtruck]

You want to hurt an innocent person for a brief feel good moment? Why? What do you think that will achieve? I'll tell you what it'll achieve, nothing! That's very bitter and quite frankly very nasty. It will make you feel even worse in the long run.

 

The momentary hurt of being told is less than the damage the affair is

doing to the other BS

[pepperbird]

You want to hurt an innocent person for a brief feel good moment? Why? What do you think that will achieve? I'll tell you what it'll achieve, nothing! That's very bitter and quite frankly very nasty. It will make you feel even worse in the long run.

 

 

Sorry, but this just isn't true for an awful lot of people, and really, it comes off as just another way to help the OW CHA ( cover her @ss)

 

If my spouse's OW had been married at the time, it would have felt damned good to tell her hubby, but not because of revenge. It would have been because I knew what it was like to be in his shoes, and if I can help him take some control over his life, I would have been all for it. It may well also have kept her out of mine, and quite frankly, her feelings were at the very bottom of my list of considerations at the time.

 

Many people view cheating as a form of abuse. I happen to agree. If that abuse can be stopped, then that's a good thing.

[Maddie82]

Sorry, but this just isn't true for an awful lot of people, and really, it comes off as just another way to help the OW CHA ( cover her @ss).

 

Yeah, i understand wanting to help the other innocent husband, but for this OP it's not about her wanting to help him. She clearly want's to do it out of revenge. She's bitter about being hurt and she want's to hurt the other woman by telling her husband. It may backfire on her if he chooses not to believe her, or if he chooses to turn a blind eye to it and slam the door in her face.

[Onwards13]

Yeah, i understand wanting to help the other innocent husband, but for this OP it's not about her wanting to help him. She clearly want's to do it out of revenge. She's bitter about being hurt and she want's to hurt the other woman by telling her husband. It may backfire on her if he chooses not to believe her, or if he chooses to turn a blind eye to it and slam the door in her face.

 

As the ‘bitter’ person you refer to - (May I add you don’t know much about me or my story and are making assumptions ) I expect nothing - my conscious will be clear once I do the right thing by telling - whether he chooses to believe or not is up to him - I’m not looking to get my husband back - or any further dialogue. I always said that if I was in his position. I would want to be told - and that’s exactly what I’ll do. It’s not my job to protect him or her. And yes - it will feel damn good- a little joy for myself in the midst of the mess this woman and my stbxh threw me into - is well-deserves in my opinion. So if that makes me bitter and nasty I’ll take it!

[Onwards13]

Telling the husband wont make you feel any better and it's not your place to either. You only want to tell him out of vengeance.

 

And please help me understand ‘it’s not your place to tell’!?!? Who’s place is it exactly? Given it’s his wife and my husband - I can’t imagine anyone else who would be in a better place to tell.

[Maddie82]

@Onwards13....

 

The difference is that you are angry and want to do this purely out of revenge. By all means tell him, I agree that he has a right to know what his wife has been upto. I hate cheaters. But it won't make things any better for you though and I think that's why you want to do it. It's not for him. It's for you. I'm against cheating and I'm on your side here. You need to do things for the right reasons. If you think it's right then he should know then by all means, tell him. All I'm saying is that it could make things alot worse for yourself. Take care x

Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bryanp]

Of course, it is your place to tell. I am sure if it was happening to Maddie I guess she would not wish to be informed? Oh please......

[aliveagain]

Onwards13 this is your thread about your getting out of infidelity and your healing, there is no right or wrong answer. I like you believe the other betrayed person has the right to protect their children, their health and their finances and being deprived of their rights because they blindly trust their cheating spouse shouldn't be a reason not to tell them. Your telling isn't going to destroy their relationship, her having unprotected sex with your husband for a long time will. He will eventually find out, we always do, guess what he's going to think about you for keeping their affair a secret from him? That is not a good enough reason not to tell, the reason you tell is because your like most of us, a good person.

 

It took you a lifetime to become the person you are, changing your morality, going against what you know is right just to protect a couple of adulterers goes against your upbringing. Having to bear the pain and humiliation of infidelity is more then enough to endure, compromising your beliefs and the standards that make up who you are on top of that is more then anyone should have to live with. You've compromised yourself enough, don't change your morals for people that don't respect theirs. Do what you feel is necessary for your healing, this is about you. If your husband was truly worried about her husband he would never have banged her, that's the truth.

[elaine567]

Remember this may be seen as an act of war by the OW, your husband and even her husband...

Are you prepared for that?

[mark clemson]

It's pretty clear OP has made her choice, and there is logic to it. Everyone's a little different and I think for some of us vindictiveness and "revenge" have no part in "healing". But not everyone is like that. In her case, when she is honest with herself, it seems this is part of what she needs to move on. She never asked for any of this, but her life has been disrupted by the cheating and her family torn apart. In her view, some payback is in order. This was brought to her.

 

... a little joy for myself in the midst of the mess this woman and my stbxh threw me into - is well-deserves in my opinion. So if that makes me bitter and nasty I’ll take it!

[pepperbird]

Maddie

I think I see what you're getting at. Please forgive me if I am wrong.

 

I think what you're trying to say is that telling him may not change anything, and it might make things worse. If the OP wants to spill the beans because it will make her feel better, that may not work. If she's telling him to so he can take control of his life, that's a more achievable goal.

 

There's lots of other reasons to tell, and the OP has her own.

 

It sounds like the OP knows herself well enough to know this is what's right for her. I hope it gives her whatever "positives" she's looking for.

[Maddie82]

Hi pepperbird, yes that is exactly what I meant. I wasn't going against the OP,

[Buffer]

Tell, STDs, STIs lies and deception you have a responsibility to tell.

 

Good intentions from some people here are yelling not to tell, what if there is violence, Divorce, yelling etc.

 

Can’t live your life by a what if!

 

TELL

[pepperbird]

Remember this may be seen as an act of war by the OW, your husband and even her husband...

Are you prepared for that?

 

 

it might also have the opposite effect.

 

 

I remember reading a piece once that had been written by an OW. she said that she had been able to keep her MM's wife and kids in a box in her mind. faceless,s voiceless nameless entities, devoid of any humanity. Concepts, not people.

 

The BS in her situation had contacted her BH, and suddenly, the affair ended. From what she said, it wasn't even so much her husband but that she now saw his BS as a person, just like her and realized how much her choices were hurting some people who were completely innocent in the matter.

 

Like most OW/Om, she wasn't a bad person, out to hurt anyone. She ended the affair.

[elaine567]

it might also have the opposite effect.

Yes, it might, but she still needs to be prepared for all eventualities.

[merrmeade]

Tell anonymously. It will start the ball rolling. He can't ignore it - well, he can - but it's still been said. Either way, if he knows who you are or not, he could react the same way. People can deny and excuse even when they've seen it themselves.

 

If the reaction is negative or the blame is deflected onto you (there are as many scenarios as there are personalities), then you've got to deal with a new pain. You don't need a relationship with this person, but you are under no obligation to protect the adulterers by keeping silent.